请高手帮忙改一下作文

jinjiyu_226UID: 2607538

题目是剑5GENERAL TRAINING B 大作文：Given plenty of lerisure time,undergoing tendency of "going out"rather than "staying in",children appeal to relieve their burdens of homework.Definitely,I'm a salient proponent of this view.

Absolutely,how our children spend these extre time,in order for them to experience a muturation process,is not without its problem.Initially comes the searching for the meaning for their lives and carrer in future on the basis of  independent thinking ,flexibility,and profound awarness of the self-capability,through access of which is so-called part-time jobs or adventure experiences and so forth. To offer an example, sacrifising time being a server in restaurant is incentive to cultivate individual's temperament and self-possessition, when ,in turn,giving rise to a long-term sense of"devotion",as a internal merit,in their pending carrers.

Additionally,isolation results in stagnition.Children deserves to travel,to communicate,to appreciate,don't they?Acknowledging that modern technical civilization are turning our children as flat as screen ,the youths are inclined to suffer spiritual crisis such as solitude,ego,materilism...the list is endless.It's essential and crutial to inspire them to confront genuine nature and to make real friends.Consider for instance,travel as one best approach.Experiencing multitude of civilization,witnessing the exposure and starvation in poor areas,exchanging attitudes with high-educated brains.Children would terminally behaviour maturally when they return.

To sum up,as a saying goes"all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy",children "ought ",rather than"is",to spend time improving themselves in spiritual dimention.

67169619UID: 2320695

词语句子都用得好哇
但老是感觉论证怎么这么少？字数少？

饱饭仔UID: 2505959

几个非常值得肯定的地方,楼主的文字功底,句法,句型都很牛
不过...以下个人意见
有点过分追逐插入语,从句和特殊句型,那么呢...插入语太多了...影响文章内容表达流畅度
第二个就是主题段最好少用口语化的东西,比如absolutely,还有,反问句...这个很难把握尺度

H-KevinUID: 2182070

段落结构调整一下，均匀些可能更好