【09年1月-4月】TOEFL作文互改小组-之【TWE作文】第十二次作业 by 滴滴雨儿

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

It is universally known that taking exercise is essential for people's health both physically and mentally. No matter how old and what gender one is , he or she needs a certain quantity of exercise. That is to say, taking exercise is important both for old people and young people.

In the first place, outdoor exercise offers great opportunities for people to relax in a more natural way. Take hiking for instance, when you are tired of the daily work or having too much pressure from study, you can always choose to hike in a mountain, where you can breeze the freshest air and appreciate the beautiful view of the nature. When you spend sometime letting you body take exercise like this, you may find out with surprise that you feel much more energetic than ever before.

Moreover, people in different age bracket require different kind and amount of exercise. For the old, some walk in the evening would be best whereas running and swimming are more suitable for the young. That is to say, everyone has their own kind of exercise to do, which is no less important than the others.

However, too much exercise or taking it in an improper way may do harm to people's health. Human body has its own physical limits that one can never ignore. If a person keep swimming for several hours, professional athletes are not included, his body may be in trouble then. For the old, who need to be more careful with their physical health, a proper amount and strenth of exercise is even more crutial than the type of exercise itself.

To sum up, the importance of taking exercise is the same for the old and the young. The only difference lies in what kind of exercise they do and how much they do it.

考试了UID: 2613528

It is universally known that (It is an widely accepted fact that) taking exercise is essential ( a most effective way to improve people's health both physically and mentally.) for people's health both physically and mentally. No matter how old and what gender one is , he or she needs a certain quantity of exercise. (People, regardless of their age and sex gender,  all need a certain amount of physical exercise to keep them fit,) That is to say,( so) taking exercise is important (for everyone, rather than a specific group, the elders or the young ones.) both for old people and young people.( Here is your opinion, that is, your thesis statement in your essay. I don't feel impressive and strongly clear about it because it lacks your writing plan, which usually shows what reasons and layout you will develop in your following body paragraphs to support your thesis.)

In the first place, outdoor exercise offers great opportunities for people to relax in a more natural way.(First, outdoor exercises enable you to relax more naturally.  In english essay, simplicity, expression straightforward to the point and precision are always the ultimate goals and power.) Take hiking for instance, when you are tired of the daily work or having too much pressure from study, you can always choose to hike in a mountain, where you can breeze the freshest air and appreciate the beautiful view of the nature.(For instance, hiking in a mountain is often  a good choice to relieve your tire from heavy daily work or intensive pressure from study. Meanwhile, People can also enjoy breezing the fresh air and appreciating the beautiful nature views while hiking in the mountain. strictly speaking, mention  fresh air and nature views will make this paragraph lose its unity.)  When you spend sometime letting you body take exercise like this, you may find out with surprise that you feel much more energetic than ever before. Such excercises like hiking can make people surprisingly feel much more energetic afterwards than ever before.)

Moreover, people in different age  bracket require different kind and amount of exercise. (Moreover, different age groups of people call for physical excercises in different types and amount.) For the old, some walk in the evening would be best whereas running and swimming are more suitable for the young. (For the elders, an evening walk would be good whereas...) That is to say, everyone has their own kind of exercise to do, which is no less important than the others.( That's to say is not recommended here, because this saying is used when restate your previous statements.  if a restatement is the case here, then this sentence will disconnect logically with previous example. Here, to my understanding, you are saying that every type of excercises enjoy equal importance to improve people's health, but every person has his or her own type of excercises which suits his or her needs better than others. if I am right, then a transition such as "So" is suggested here to signal cause and effect between your example and conclusion in this paragraph.)

However, too much exercise or taking it in an improper way(over and improperly done excercises) may do harm to people's health. Human body has its own physical limits that one can never ignore. (delete that one can never ignore because this clause here give your point nothing meaningful.) If a person keep swimming for several hours, professional athletes are not included, his body may be in trouble then.( If a person, except for athletes, keeps swimming for several hours, then his body may get into trouble, rather than benefit.) For the old, who need to be more careful with their physical health, a proper amount and strenth of exercise is even more crutial than the type of exercise itself.(For some elders, presently suffering from various diseases and demanding careful monitoring their health states, exercising within a bearable and suitable amount and strength is even more crutial than secleting the right type of exercises.

To sum up, the importance of taking exercise is the same for the old and the young. The only difference lies in what kind of exercise they do and how much they do it. ( doing exercises holds equal importance to both the elders and the young people. Only the issues of doing the right types and within the right amount of exercises can make a difference.)

个人的观点，如有不对的请包含， 写的有些罗嗦， 凑合看吧

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

:funk: 汗一个~ LS帮我修改的如此之细致。。实在是感激涕零。。 我会认真研读学习的！ 谢谢！:loveliness:

nirvanahmjUID: 2534352

It is universally known that taking exercise is essential for people's health both physically and mentally. No matter how old and what gender one is, he or she needs a certain quantity of exercise. That is to say, taking exercise is important both for [for both] old people and young people.

In the first place, outdoor exercise offers great opportunities for people to relax in a more natural way. Take hiking for instance, when you are tired of the daily work or having too much pressure from study, you can always choose to hike in a mountain, where you can breeze the freshest air and appreciate the beautiful view of the nature. When you spend sometime [some time] letting you body take exercise like this, you may find out with surprise that you feel much more energetic than ever before. [than before]

Moreover, people in different age bracket require different kind and amount of exercise. For the old, some walk in the evening would be best whereas running and swimming are more suitable for the young. That is to say, everyone has their own kind of exercise to do, which is no less important than the others.

However, too much exercise or taking it in an improper way may do harm to people's health. Human body has its own physical limits that one can never ignore. If a person keep [keeps] swimming for several hours, professional athletes are not included, his body may be in trouble then. For the old, who need to be more careful with their physical health, a proper amount and strength of exercise is even more crucial than the type of exercise itself.

To sum up, the importance of taking exercise is the same for the old and the young. The only difference lies in what kind of exercise they do and how much they do it.
总体来说，这篇文章的字数少了点，有些小的语法问题，然后语言挺白的，没有多少出彩的地方。然后您的观点是两者同样重要，但是在给出的第一条理由中并没有提到老年人，所以不能证明观点。
上面的同学改的so清楚so细致，我的您就姑且看看好了。