新手贴文 盼大家多多拍砖

nerrisa9UID：2549900

第一次写issue,写之前有参考过范文精讲和黄金80题……望各位高手多多指教！！

Should employees keep their private lives and personal activities as separate as possible from the workplace as the speaker suggests above. Well, in my view, it is true that taking personal emotions or activities into jobs could be counterproductive, but mix employees' personal activities with their work moderately can foster a nice environment which is better for the building of coworker relationship, and finally make the organization function more efficiently. First thing first, unlike machines which can work all day long without any emotions or personal things, people are always surrounded by all kinds of distracting things and thoughts. For example, a girl cannot work efficiently if she broke up with her boyfriend the day before, and a man cannot performance well on his job while his father is in the hospital. So it is almost inevitable of personal activities' involving in work, in that way what managers would be well advised to be careful enough to perceive the emotional changes of his employees and try to help them to solve those things or just let them get a few days holiday. Employees would feel better and valued if managers do so, and in turn, they would be more loyal and work harder, and both of which are really important to an organization. Another reason to be concerned is that moderate joining of personal activities will be helpful to the cost cutting and efficiency promoting of an organization. If there are more chances for employees to exchange their minds, chat about their interests and activities for a while, they might feel more energetic and much happier, with this nice mood, they can finish their jobs more efficiently. Some company-sponsored activities such as picnics, parties, excursions and so force can do a similar job which provides more chances for employees to communicate with each other and help them to cooperate better in their work. Admittedly, too much personal activities taken into jobs would be really distracting and harmful to the whole organization. Employees should learn to make a balance in order to make sure there would not be too much personal phone calls or nonbusiness chatting. In conclusion, personal activities should not interfere employees' jobs, but it is too difficult to ask employees to leave all of their private emotions or activities behind their work, and it is really a good idea to inject small doses of personal activities into the workplace for several reasons.

TyliayssUID：185761

Well, in my view, it is true that taking personal emotions or activities into jobs could be counterproductive, but mix(动词的时态要注意) employees' personal activities with their work moderately can foster a nice environment which is better for the building of coworker relationship, and finally make the organization function more efficiently. First thing first(?), unlike machines which can work all day long without any emotions or personal things, people are always surrounded by all kinds of distracting things and thoughts. For example, a girl cannot work efficiently if she broke up with her boyfriend the day before, and a man cannot performance well on his job while his father is in the hospital(in the hospital是在医院,in hospital是住院). So it is almost inevitable of personal activities' involving in work, in that way what managers would be well advised to be careful enough to perceive the emotional changes of his employees and try to help them to solve those things or just let them get a few days holiday. Employees would feel better and valued(此处原意是想表达什么？) if managers do so, and in turn, they would be more loyal and work harder, and both of which are really important to an organization. Another reason to be concerned is that moderate joining of personal activities will be helpful to the cost cutting and efficiency promoting of an organization. If there are more chances for employees to exchange their minds, chat about their interests and activities for a while, they might feel more energetic and much happier, with this nice mood, they can finish their jobs more efficiently. Some company-sponsored activities such as picnics, parties, excursions and so force can do a similar job which provides more chances for employees to communicate with each other and help them to cooperate better in their work. Admittedly, too much personal activities taken into jobs would be really distracting and harmful to the whole organization. Employees should learn to make a balance in order to make sure there would not be too much personal phone calls or nonbusiness chatting. In conclusion, personal activities should not interfere employees' jobs, but it is too difficult to ask employees to leave all of their private emotions or activities behind their work, and it is really a good idea to inject small doses of personal activities into the workplace for several reasons.

1.文章的题目是是否需要将个人事情与工作分开，第一个理由似乎很牵强，作者讲的主题是人不能将两者分开，因为人与机器不同，人有感情，没有办法在工作的时候撇开个人感情。感觉跟主题有一定的差距。可以朝这方面写，但是在表达上再试试更往主题上拉一些。第二个理由是在工作上稍微掺杂一些个人感情对于工作有一定的帮助，这个理由是对的。

2.写文章的时候似乎有意在追求把句子和表达写得深刻，而不仅限于在比较浅显简单的表达。GMAT的作文考的不是表达是否专业地道，而是有没有把问题陈述清楚，至于你用什么办法陈述，在考官心目中所占分量其实不重。我在有一个帖子里提到过，有没有把问题分析清楚，把理由写充分透彻，把句子表达明白是0分到5分的差别，而表达是否专业地道，句子是否很变化，只是5分到6分的差别。一般的学校5分肯定是够用的。所以功夫要花在分析问题上，而不是花在装修句子。

nerrisa9UID：2549900

多谢高手指点！！写得烂 很汗颜的鼓勇气把它贴上来……会多多努力的！