0910G『Try Best』第二组argument238 by CharlesHu

CharlesHuUID: 2638360

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumes and interviewing skills."

The notion that offering more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors are beneficial for students to seek employment seems at first glance to an obvious conclusion. Because the nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors; had a better status for students' employment. However, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring additional job counselors to help graduates find job may mask other (and potentially more significant) factors that contribute to dismal employment for graduates of Mira Vista College.

First of all, does the seniors who informed the placement office can represent all the students in Mira Vista College who want to find job after graduation? Some students may don't like to tell the administration their plan. Are the job offers which seniors of Green Mountain College got full time job? As we know, lots of graduates do part time jobs after graduation and they are treated as getting job offer in the graduate employment statistics of their colleges. So, in order to compare the graduate employment situation fairly, to affirm the statistics of Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College are collected in the same way is necessary.

As we know, in certain period of time, determined by the economy, the graduates of some majors are more difficult to find jobs than the graduates majoring in other field. For example, present, there are few jobs for the graduates majoring in finance because of the financial crisis and many financial corporations are in swamp. So, I have a question about majors of the two colleges, for instance, if most of graduates of Green Mountain College are majoring in medicine while Mira Vista College are majoring in engineering, it isn’t unreasonable to compare the employment status of the two colleges.

Finally, there are many factors that affect the graduates finding job, such as work experiences, not only the difference between the two colleges mentioned by the president. For instance, lacking of practice experiences may be the main reason. So the Mira Vista College need to investigate the reasons affected employment more systematic.

     The president’s proposal based on the contrast between the two colleges is not convincing. A systematic research on the key points contribute to the graduate employment is necessary, and a equitable contrast with other colleges that do a good job in help graduate finding job is also instrumental, the contrast should take the difference between the colleges into account and based on the statistics collected in the same way.

currycatUID: 2576917

The notion that offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring additional job counselors are beneficial for students to seek employment at first glance seems to be an obvious conclusion. Because the nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors; had a better status of students' employment. However, offering more courses in business and computer technology and hiring additional job counselors to help graduates tofind job may mask other (and potentially more significant) factors that contribute to dismal employment for graduates of Mira Vista College.

First of all, does the seniors who informed the placement office can represent all the students in Mira Vista College who want to find job after graduation? Some students may don't like to tell the administration their plan. (可以加一点让步性语句增强逻辑性)Are the job offers which seniors of Green Mountain College got full time job? As we know, lots of graduates do part time jobs after graduation and they are treated as getting job offer in the graduate employment statistics of their colleges. So, in order to compare the graduate employment situation fairly, to affirm the statistics of Green Mountain College and Mira Vista College are collected in the same way is necessary.

(可在此句前加些过渡词语)As we know, in certain period of time, determined by the economy, the graduates of some majors are more difficult to find jobs than the graduates majoring in other fields. For example, presently, there are few jobs for the graduates majoring in finance because of the financial crisis and many financial corporations are in swamp(because of后面,and两边应该都是名词). So, I have a question about majors of the two colleges, for instance, if most of graduates of Green Mountain College are majoring in medicine while Mira Vista College are majoring in engineering, it isn’t unreasonable to compare the employment status of the two colleges.

Finally, there are many factors that affect the graduates finding job, such as work experiences, not only the difference between the two colleges mentioned by the president. For instance(上一段刚刚用过,可以换种说法,比如as a case in point), lacking of practice experiences may be the main reason. So the Mira Vista College need to investigate the reasons affected employment more systematic.

     The president’s proposal based on the contrast between the two colleges is not convincing. A systematic research on the key points contribute to the graduate employment is necessary, and a equitable contrast with other colleges that do a good job in help graduate finding job is also instrumental, the contrast should take the difference between the colleges into account and based on the statistics collected in the same way.

主要的逻辑错误都找出来了,也能很清楚的表达,还应注意各个逻辑错误之间的连接,考虑怎么样安排顺序才更有说服力,我们一起努力哦~