0910G【Try Best】第一小组 第一次作业 Argument238 by cooljcq

cooljcqUID: 2498528

终于写完了，呵呵，
TOPIC: ARGUMENT238 - The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Mira Vista College to the college's board of trustees.

"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
WORDS: 619
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2009-5-25 23:09:55

The president of Mira Vista College misunderstood that only they offer more business course and computer technology and hire additional job counselors as well as its neighborhood Green Mountain College, can the employment rate be promoted. Some factors that he didn't consider cause his headlong decision, which will be demonstrated carefully following.
For the beginning, the proportion of the business course offered by the Green Mountain College is unknew to all, it is fully possible the students graduated from business major occupy far less than other major students compared to the whole graduate students, that is to say the students of the other majors play great role in the entire employment rate, may be approximate to 90 percent. Most of the students graduated from the major popular accepted by the society, such as the automation, product and skill, and repair and maintenance have found their satisfied job. On contrary, the Mira Vista College may be lack of such majors that are available to get job.
As regard to the data issued from the placement office, the truth and availability of it can't be guaranteed and confirmed. For the data is collected from students who are willing to report their employment condition to the placement office, there is much possible that some of children reluctant to or forgettable to inform the placement office of their real employment condition. Of course, the proportion of the unreported students arriving at 25 percent is, in some sense, believed by most of us. Adding another 70 percent of employment rate, the whole rate can surpass that of Green Mountain College, that to say, they can’t do the same things as them. Sometimes, the Green Mountain College can deign to learn from the Mira Vista College.
It is assumed that the president want to offer the same courses as the Green Mountain College, some other factors should also be considered, anyway, neglecting any of them may lead to unpredictable consequence. If the College pay their attention to offer some same courses as the Green Mountain College's, such as the business course, computer technology course, some problems may be following, that is whether or not the students are interested in or able to select the business course, whether or not the major offered according to Green Mountain College done is adaptable to the concrete circumstances of their district. When covering the
establishment of placement office, they can’t make their decision impetuously without considering whether or not it is effective in Green Mountain College. It is waste of money without scrutinizing the details to establish the placement office. For it would be involved in the stuff and finance that unable to be avoided in establishing the placement office.
In sum, some circumstances of Green Mountain College can't be suitable to the concrete condition of Mira Vista College, therefore, when they want to have some changes in their students employment rate, they should investigate and work out the effective and feasible measures that adaptable to their own.

nlhustUID: 2404239

Thepresident of Mira Vista College misunderstood that only（用法不对吧） they offer morebusiness course and computer technology and hire additional jobcounselors as well as（什么意思？） its neighborhood Green Mountain College, can theemployment rate be promoted. Some factors that he didn't consider causehis headlong decision, which（指代不明） will be demonstrated carefully following.

For the beginning（有这种说法吗?可以改成to begin with）, the proportion of the businesscourse offered by the Green Mountain College is unknew to all（ 没看懂什么意思，unknown）, it isfully possible the students graduated from business major occupy farless than other major students compared to the whole graduate students,that is to say the students of the other majors play great role in theentire employment rate, may be approximate to 90 percent. Most of thestudents graduated from the major popular accepted by the society, suchas the automation, product and skill, and repair and maintenance havefound their satisfied job. On contrary（on the contrary）, the Mira Vista College may belack of such majors that are available to get job.(这一条理由很奇怪啊，原文并没有说business major students 的问题吧，如果我理解的没错的话题意应该是other majors students 也应该学business 方面的知识以助于就业，这个点写business majors和other majors的就业比例问题，写的有点偏了)

这一段批驳的点也写偏了。另外没有明确指出错误的主题句以及有效地结尾。Most of ..那一句与前后文的衔接不是很紧，而且最后一句说的也不明白，总的来说问题主要就是出在对business courses 及business majors等同化的问题上


As regard
（这里可以用动词原形吗？）to the data issued from the placementoffice, the truth and availability of it can't be guaranteed andconfirmed（不明白这里为什么要同时使用这两个词，感觉一个就足以表达意思了）. For the data is collected from students who are willing toreport their employment condition to the placement office, there is（it is）much possible that some of children reluctant to or forgettable to（reluctant和forgettable都是形容词，前面也没有系动词，可以直接带to的动词不定式吗？）inform the placement office of their real employment condition. Ofcourse, the proportion of the unreported students arriving at 25percent is, in some sense, believed by most of us.（有什么根据？） Adding another 70percent of employment rate, the whole rate can surpass that of GreenMountain College, that to say, they can’t do the same things as them(不明白).Sometimes, the Green Mountain College can deign to learn from the MiraVista College（太突然了，由于前面的论证不是很清晰，导致这个地方退出这个结论有点突兀）.

这一段的错误找的很准，但是后面的驳斥说服力不强，主要是没有说清楚可能的情况，而且of course 那一句没有原因的就冒出来了还没说明白，让人怀疑其可靠性。其次段内也需要有层次感，需要一些连接过渡词的。

It is assumed that the president want to offerthe same courses as the Green Mountain College, some other factorsshould also be considered, anyway, neglecting any of them may lead tounpredictable consequence. （前面应该是两句话吧？貌似你的文章里还是有挺多这样两句话写一起但又缺少必要的连接词的地方，建议以后写的时候重点注意）If the College pay their attention to offersome same courses as the Green Mountain College's, such as the businesscourse, computer technology course, some problems may be following,that (that 不能引导非限制性定语从句) is whether or not the students are interested in or able to selectthe business course, whether or not the major offered according toGreen Mountain College done（？） is adaptable to the concrete circumstancesof their district（指代不明）. When covering the establishment of placement office, they can’t make their decisionimpetuously without considering whether or not（三个地方都是这样说的，显得很冗繁，or not 是可以去掉的，用whether 就可以表达这个意思了） it is effective in GreenMountain College（应该是MVC吧？）. It is waste of money without scrutinizing the detailsto establish the placement office.
For it would be involved in thestuff and finance that unable to be avoided in establishing theplacement office.（前面两句应该是一句话吧？另外这句话是什么意思呢？有语病或者太绕了。。）

这一段给我的感觉很不好，首先，第一个理由说学生不一定喜欢或者不一定选的上business courses，这个其实是很牵强的，不能从根本上动摇原文的结论。不管是什么课程都可能会遇到这种问题，难道我们就因此不开这些课了？第二个理由从when covering 开始，这个题目跟establish the placement office 没有关系吧？怎么就说到这上面来了呢？这不是文章推理环节的根本问题所在啊！


In sum, some circumstances of Green MountainCollege can't be suitable to the concrete condition of Mira VistaCollege, therefore, when they want to have some changes（个人感觉用have 不太恰当，bring？make？） in theirstudents employment rate, they should investigate and work out theeffective and feasible measures that adaptable to their own.

nlhustUID: 2404239

这篇argument整体看来写的不是很好，说服力不强

首先，文章中各个错误之间的联系并不清晰，文章整体的逻辑感不强。文章的连贯性并不一定是要靠连词来体现，更重要的是要凸显其各段内部的逻辑关系，使整片文章看起来浑然一体。
建议在写作之前先根据原文的推理先理清思路，然后一步一步的发现逻辑漏洞并予以批驳，我们需要找出的是逻辑推理过程中的漏洞，而不是纯粹的举出反例或其他例证。

另外，楼主的文章中有些比较严重的语法错误，就像在改你那篇issue时说过的，语法很重要！如果没有绝对的把握就不要写太长的复杂句，避免出错；而且有些简单从句可以直接用形容词等搞定的就别写成从句，那样才是语言水平的体现。
建议楼主好好的看一本语法书，把一些基本的规则掌握，另外可以多看些文章培养语感:)

最后，楼主可以多看看版上的精华帖，对Argument的写作有很多大牛都有很独到的见解，看后会很受启发的！！

以上纯属个人观点，有些话说的过了点还望多多包涵。
水平有限，有什么改动不当的地方请指出，有些有问题的地方没看出来也请见谅
共同学习！共同进步！