Issue130 =So What=小组第2次作业 by fengrui129

fengrui129UID: 2639927

Issue130 =So What=小组第2次作业 by fengrui129

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society." 孩子社会化的程度决定了社会的将来。遗憾的是，我们还没有学会教育那些能为我们建设更好社会的孩子们 提纲花了很多时间    用了大约两小时了  字数629

fengrui129UID: 2639927

When we grow up from a toddler to a sophisticated adult, we are socialized. Though this road is full of twist and turn, it is impossible for us to escape. Only by experienced this can an individual contribute to the society. Yet, is it really true that children-socialization determines the destiny of the society? Obviously, the author claims so and even believes that we have not find a suitable way to educate our children. From my own perspective, children-socialization, to some extent, influences the development of the society, yet it is far away from being the first-rate importance.

Evidence abounds in this field that the process that children are socialized is closely related to their period of growing-up. More specifically, everyone has experienced the phase of being a child. That is the first step for us to get in touch with the outside world. So we begin to observe the outside world, imitate the adult’s behavior, learn some social skills, and in turn help them to get accustomed to this complicated society. In this way, we know how to hold on our own views of the world in this complex society; we know how to pursue our original dreams in this pragmatic society;we know how to step forward when we are confronted with other people's jeers and jibes. Undoubtedly, on no account can we ignore the importance of socialization in shaping children’s personalities.

However, the over-socialization of children deprived their own characteristics. Lovely as kids are, they are eager to show themselves without artificially skills; they like to try again and again from errors and mistakes; they enjoy imitate others but keep their own features. Consider that kids are coerced to be socialized at a very early time, can we laugh forth and back all the time from their jokes? Can we appreciate their courage of receiving challenges?
Thus, it is not that difficult for us to conclude that it is unwise for them to be overly exposed to society, for they are highly likely to form the distorted personalities, in some extreme cases, they may jeopardize the stability of the society.

Furthermore, the children’s socialization can hardly change the society’s destiny. Common sense informs us that there are numerous factors can exert impact on social progress and the arbitrary claiming that children-socialization is ultimately responsible for social destiny is dubious and unjustifiable. For instance, Look back into history, the industrial revolution take over performances of mundane and repetitive tasks; thereby emancipating man from burdensome work. Likewise, when Neil Alden Armstrong set foot on the moon in 1960, we open up a window which lead us to another world that lies beyond; When the financial crises was erupted unprecedentedly, those astonishing mysteries are erased and leaves only indefinable regret. Flying in face of those cases, how many of us will explore reasons from how children are socialized?

Last but not least, those who argue that we do not know how to educate children who can stimulate the development of society in an appropriate way are shirking their responsibilities. It is manifest that adults, inevitably, shoulder the responsibilities of establishing a welfare society since we live in this adult-dominated-society. On the contrary, who will transfer the burden to an innocent child? I would be hard-pressed to imagine that how terrible it would be if children were coerced to evolve in the barbarous wars and complicated political conflict. As a consequence, adults, only adults can be the main force for the betterment of the society.

Overall, the viewpoint that society’s destiny hinges on how children are socialized, while appealing in some respects, is an over-statement at best. Only sophisticated adults who possess relatively rich knowledge, plus their own efforts and suitable outside condition, can ultimately decided our social destiny.

灿烂千阳灿烂UID: 2538650

they enjoy imitateimitating others but keepkeeping their own features.

For instance, Look back into history, the industrial revolution taketook over performances of mundane and repetitive tasks;

我怎么觉得还是有点论证不充分的感觉呢？尤其对题干后半句的理解。。。这个再讨论吧。。。确实这题很烦人。。。

fengrui129UID: 2639927

我只这样想的，首先前半句话，儿童社会化是否决定社会进步？我的观点大负小正  进而拆分成1.适当社会化有好处  1-2 过度社会化不好   
下一个就是 2儿童社会化不能决定命运··因为这是成人的事
3 后半句话 我们没有教育好孩子  我写的很简单 就是不能把希望寄托在他们身上··  这里确实论证不充分 到时候我再改改···    你还有什么好建议么？  呵呵 o(∩_∩)o...  谢谢了

灿烂千阳灿烂UID: 2538650

4# fengrui129
我觉得后半句跟前面作者的假设是有联系的。。。你如果愿意的话去看看我写的这个的提纲。。。最后一点。。。这是其一，其二是否应该着眼于BETTER这个词。。。

terraliUID: 2599465

When we grow up from a toddler to a sophisticated adult, we are socialized. Though this road is full of twist
and turn, it is impossible for us to escape. Only by experienced this can an individual contribute to the
society. Yet, is it really true that children-socialization determines the destiny of the society? Obviously,
the author claims so and even believes that we have not find a suitable way to educate our children. From my
own perspective, children-socialization, to some extent, influences the development of the society, yet it is
far away from being the first-rate importance.

嗯。我认为I里所有的内容都应该围绕着主题句来说。或铺陈，或论证，或举例。所以，When we grow up from a toddler to a sophisticated adult, we are socialized. Though this road is full of twist and turn, it is impossible for us
to escape. Only by experienced this can an individual contribute to the society. 这个开头很赞很鲜活，但是，却
感觉很散乱。yet之前是要强调社会化的重要以便和后面形成转折，那么是不是再顺着往下说深一层以证明其重要性？

社会化不可逃避  （不能说明其对个人的重要性）
只有经历社会化才能contribute （也没有说明contribute的必要性）

感觉这两点都没有说透。比如，要不说社会化不可逃避，是个人成熟的必经阶段，所以社会化很重要；要不说contribute
society可以实现个人价值很重要，然后只有社会化才能contribute


Evidence abounds in this field that the process that children are socialized is closely related to their
period of growing-up. 主题句：社会化和成长有关More specifically, everyone has experienced the phase of being a child. That is the first step for us to get in touch with the outside world. So we begin to observe the
outside world, imitate the adult’s behavior, learn some social skills, and in turn help them to get
accustomed to this complicated society. 社会化重要性。In this way, we know how to hold on our own views of the world in this complex society; we know how to pursue our original dreams in this pragmatic society;we know how to step forward when we are confronted with other people's jeers and jibes.社会化后果 Undoubtedly, on no account can we ignore the importance of socialization in shaping children’s personalities. 社会化塑造个人

我感觉这一段很散。句与句之间似乎没有什么关联的感觉。在每段的小结构中，应该是很紧凑的来说明一个观点，可是作者的
每句话似乎都没有能很好的支持主题句。不是某一句话有问题，我觉得作者应该加一些连接词或者换一个更能围绕主题句的说
法。我读完这一段，感觉就是，每句话都很对，但是，这一段到底在说什么？的感觉。

我把我感觉到的，这一段中的每个小结构在说的什么已经写了出来（也许理解错误），从这个就可以看出来，首末两句都在说
社会化对个人很重要，可中间的论证并没有很紧密的围绕这个重要性。

比如，In this way, we know how to hold on our own views of the world in this complex society; we know how to pursue our original dreams in this pragmatic society;we know how to step forward when we are confronted with other people's jeers and jibes.
如果写成：during the period of socialized, people learn to know how to hold on our own views of the world in
this complex society; how to pursue our original dreams in this pragmatic society; and how to step forward
when we are confronted with other people's jeers and jibes.

这样，稍微强调下社会化和个人成长之间的关系，是不是论证的就更有针对性一些？


However, the over-socialization of children deprived their own characteristics.主题句 Lovely as kids are, they
are eager to show themselves without artificially skills; they like to try again and again from errors and
mistakes; they enjoy imitate others but keep their own features.现象 Consider that kids are coerced to be
socialized at a very early time, can we laugh forth and back all the time from their jokes? Can we appreciate
their courage of receiving challenges? 两个反问 Thus, it is not that difficult for us to conclude that it is
unwise for them to be overly exposed to society, for they are highly likely to form the distorted
personalities, in some extreme cases, they may jeopardize the stability of the society.over-socialization的后
果

这一段不是很让人信服啊。因为只提了作者观点而没有足够的论证。
观点是儿童被 over-socialization，然后下面应该论证是如何被 over-socialization的，可是作者仅仅给出了不带任何观点
倾向的现象：儿童要展现自我，儿童要模仿，要试错。然后就给了两个反问：他们被over-socialization了之后还能不能。。
。然后就是结论了：in extreme cases他们可能会。。

然而，一个足够强的论证是不是应该这样：
儿童被over-socialization了，现在不允许儿童要展现自我而要过早用社会规则要求他们了，不允许他们try again and
again from errors and mistakes而要他们一次就作对了，想想看，这样的后果是什么？他们以后还能不能。。。（两个反问
）然后结论：they may jeopardize the stability of the society.


Furthermore, the children’s socialization can hardly change the society’s destiny. Common sense informs us
that there are numerous factors can exert impact on social progress and the arbitrary claiming that children-
socialization is ultimately responsible for social destiny is dubious and unjustifiable. For instance, Look
back into history, the industrial revolution take over performances of mundane and repetitive tasks; thereby
emancipating man from burdensome work. Likewise, when Neil Alden Armstrong set foot on the moon in 1960, we open up a window which lead us to another world that lies beyond; When the financial crises was erupted unprecedentedly, those astonishing mysteries are erased and leaves only indefinable regret. Flying in face of those cases, how many of us will explore reasons from how children are socialized?

观点是儿童的社会化不能改变社会命运，举例说工业革命解放了人力，登上月球打开人类眼界，举例是如何支持观点的？差一
句扣题。（虽然在段落的结尾小扣了一下，但是读完工业革命，人类登上月球，觉得和主题有什么关系？就是说，例子和扣题
离得太远。）

从这段开始转到后半句的论述，但，是不是太突兀了？虽然有一个furthermore, 做连接，可内容上根本就没有furthermore啊，而是立刻就从社会化对人跳到社会化对社会命运上去了。

Last but not least, those who argue that we do not know how to educate children who can stimulate the
development of society in an appropriate way are shirking their responsibilities. It is manifest that adults,
inevitably, shoulder the responsibilities of establishing a welfare society since we live in this adult-
dominated-society. On the contrary, who will transfer the burden to an innocent child? 提问没有回答 I would be hard-pressed to imagine that how terrible it would be if children were coerced to evolve in the barbarous wars and complicated political conflict. As a consequence, adults, only adults can be the main force for the betterment of the society.

Overall, the viewpoint that society’s destiny hinges on how children are socialized, while appealing in some
respects, is an over-statement at best. Only sophisticated adults who possess relatively rich knowledge, plus
their own efforts and suitable outside condition, can ultimately decided our social destiny.

作者的文章给我的总体感觉，就象一盘珠子，非常漂亮非常好，但是缺少一根穿起来的线。段与段之间的大结构上很散，句与句之间的小结构上也很散，没有那种，很紧凑很强逻辑的感觉。嗯，只是我个人观点，吹毛求疵了。再赞作者语言。

fengrui129UID: 2639927

谢谢你了，改的很仔细，我这篇做的很不好，很没逻辑，对题目的把握也偏了。
也许正如你所说，是一堆金环，但是没有线。这样的话，金环还不如一根铁链。
我好好反思·····这篇我会重写的，也欢迎你以后来改我的作文，你的意见很中肯哦·· 6# terrali