0910AW同主题写作第五期ARGUMENT65 by xoxlol

XOXLOLUID: 2309408

The author made a recommendation of cutting the storage of imported cheese and focusing on domestic cheese in hope of improving the company's profit. To support this point, last year's sale of the newest store and a survey conducted by a magazine among its subscribers have been provided. However, this argument seems plausible at first glance, but a close examination reveals its logical flaws and invalidity.
To begin with, the fact that last year's five best-selling cheese of the newest store were all domestic cheese from W does not necessarily imply that the imported cheese is losing its market. Firstly, last year's sale number could be an aberration, since the newly opened store might have used promotional strategy to attract customers by putting domestic cheese on big sale. Or the price of imported cheese increased noticeably due to last year's global economic climate, which has largely injured its selling performance. If this is the case, the growing popularity of domestic cheese is just a temporary phenomenon. Secondly, consuming habit of people from where the newest store located cannot reflect that of the national populace. Simply, local people loves domestic cheese does not mean so do people out of the region, due to factors like different taste preference and income level. Moreover, it is possible that the new store is in W and the cheese produced there can be available at a very low price or people only buy these cheese to support the local economy. Thirdly, no statistical comparison of the sales of domestic cheese and imported cheese has been given, which raises the suspicion that the five domestic cheese topped imported cheese with a very samll selling advantage. In other words, imported cheese actually holds a considerable market share. Therefore, before ruling out all alternatives above, the conclusion that domestic cheese has taken over the whole cheese market is unwarranted at best.
Another flaw of the argument lies in the survey. Little information about the magazine has been given. Thus, the less authoritative or influential the magazine is, the less reliable the survey is. Additonally, no information about the subscribers can be found either, which further weakens the reliability of the survey. It is entirely possible that the number of subscribers is too small to be representative, or subscribers are too centralized in a few specific areas to reflect a national situation. Therefore, unless the author offers more details of how, where and who the survey was conducted, the survey is no worthy reference.
Last, it is a fallacy to equate reduction of inventory with improvement of profit. Without analyzing the proportion of profit brought by domestic and imported cheese, brutally axing imported cheese supply will put the company at the risk of losing a significant profit source, let alone to increase it. Although there is a boost in the domestic cheese sale, if imported cheese is much more profitable, the profit from added sale of domestic cheese may fail to surpass, or even equates, that of imported cheese. In this case, despite the reduction of cost, the company is in no guarantee of profit raise.
In sum, to bolster the argument, further investigation of the cheese market is in need to provide more convincing statistics and proofs. Otherwise the author would have made a poor recommendation, which is ungrounded and misleading.

nlhustUID: 2404239

实在是不好意思，这么晚才改。。

The author made a recommendation of cutting the storage of imported cheese and focusing on domestic cheese in hope of improving the company's profit. To support this point, last year's sale of the newest store and a survey conducted by a magazine among its subscribers have been provided. However, this argument seems plausible at first glance, but a close examination reveals its logical flaws and invalidity.(前面的两个转折词去掉一个吧)

第一段写的很好，简要点明原文立场及例证，最后指出其存在缺陷。

To begin with, the fact that last year's five best-selling cheeses of the newest store were all domestic cheese from W does not necessarily imply that the imported cheese is losing its market. Firstly, last year's sale number could be an aberration, since the newly opened store might have used promotional strategy to attract customers by putting domestic cheese on big sale. Or the price of imported cheese increased noticeably due to last year's global economic climate, which has largely injured its selling performance. If this is the case, the growing popularity of domestic cheese is just a temporary phenomenon. Secondly, consuming habit of people from where the newest store located cannot reflect that of the national populace. Simply, local people loves domestic cheese does not mean so do people out of the region, due to factors like different taste preference and income levels. （这里用local people会不会不太恰当？指代不明？）Moreover, it is possible that the new store is in W and the cheese produced there can be available at a very low price or people only buy these cheese to support the local economy. Thirdly, no statistical comparison of the sales of domestic cheese and imported cheese has been given, which raises the suspicion that the five domestic cheese topped imported cheese with a very samll selling advantage. In other words, imported cheese actually holds a considerable market share. Therefore, before ruling out all alternatives above, the conclusion that domestic cheese has taken over the whole cheese market is unwarranted at best.

指出本地奶酪的销量前五这个数据并不可靠，分析了三点：1、反常数据 2、当地人的口味不代表全国所有人的口味。3、也许本地奶酪和进口奶酪比没有太大优势。分析的很到位。就是段落里面的那个moreover看的时候有点歧义，顺着看的时候我以为这个是继secondly之后的另一个点，但再往后看到thirdly后回头分析才发现这个是从属与secondly的，建议以后写的时候在这种逻辑连词的使用方面更注意些。还有一点需要注意的是cheese的单复数问题，是不是最好跟题目保持一致呢？


Another flaw of the argument lies in the survey. Little information about the magazine has been given. Thus,（个人感觉，thus前后两句并没有多大的直接因果关系，可以考虑把后面一句换一种说法） the less authoritative or influential the magazine is, the less reliable the survey is. （在有足够缺点可以攻击的情况下，我觉得还是不要把这个理由放在这么主要的位置比较好，毕竟感觉不是那么有说服力）Additonally, no information about the subscribers can be found either, which further weakens the reliability of the survey. It is entirely possible that the number of subscribers is too small to be representative, or subscribers are too centralized in a few specific areas to reflect a national situation. Therefore, unless the author offers more details of how, where and who the survey was conducted, the survey is no worthy reference.

这一段攻击survey的不可靠性，最后给出了总结建议，分析的到位。

Last, it is a fallacy to equate reduction of inventory with improvement of profits. Without analyzing the proportion of profit brought by domestic and imported cheese, brutally axing imported cheese supply will put the company at the risk of losing a significant profit source, let alone to increase it（指代是不是有点问题？）. Although there is a boost in the domestic cheese sale, if imported cheese is much more profitable, the profit from added sale of domestic cheese may fail to surpass, or even equates, that of imported cheese. In this case, despite the reduction of cost, the company is in no guarantee of profit raise.

这一段先指出逻辑错误，然后给出理由，并对其进行深入解释。没什么缺点可挑了

In sum, to bolster the argument, further investigation of the cheese market is in need to provide more convincing statistics and proofs. Otherwise the author would have made a poor recommendation, which is ungrounded and misleading.

结尾给出建议，指出否则recommendation不具说服力，简洁，不错。

本文逻辑清晰，行文流畅，就我现在的水平看来写的是很不错的了，我还从中学到了不少很好的表达方式呢！
只是lz文中cheese和profit等都出现了单复数使用方面的问题，以后写文是最好注意一下。
反正尽我所能把我看着有疑问的地方都指出来了，有什么不对的地方希望能告诉我，也好让我看到自己的缺点。
加油！