0910G 同主题写作第5期 Argument65 WDI小组 By 余霞成绮——处女作

余霞成绮UID: 2620031

处女作一篇 同主题写作第5期 Argument 65
首先感谢WDI小组以及GTER的朋友们对我的鼓励和帮助，本人English is so poor，且本文为处女作，必当错误百出，纰漏万千。
除了WDI小组热心的组长以及组员，也希望斑竹大人在闲暇之时抽空看下我的烂文一篇，请不吝赐教~
烂文如下，大家随便奚落。
Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.


"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from. Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."



In this argument, the arguer concludes that the best way to improve profits in all of their stores is to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. To strengthen this conclusion, the arguer provides a statistics about the increasing preference for domestic cheeses. At first glance, the argument might be somehow reasonable, but close scrutiny reveals it contains several unconvincing assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive.

First of all, the arguer's conclusion that domestic cheeses are more popular than imported cheeses depend on the assumption that the survey results are statistically reliable. Yet, the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate the assumption. The arguer must show that the subscribers are made up of different age groups, and that this sample is representative of all such buyers. Otherwise, the arguer cannot confidently draw any general conclusions about the popularity between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses, or about the statement that selling domestic cheeses will get better profits.

Secondly, even assuming that the statistics is accurate and authentic, the argument claims that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, and automatically assumes that selling domestic cheeses only can increase profits. However, that might be not the case. The arguer obviously overlooks other possible explanations for this phenomenon. Newest store does not reflect the whole situation of the selling profits. In addition, best-selling is not equivalent to largest-gaining. For example, perhaps the selling price is very low, or perhaps sales promotion activities are being held these days. Without ruling out such possibilities, I cannot accept the arguer's point of selling domestic cheeses instead of selling imported cheeses can gain better profits.

Thirdly, even if the recent trends in their newest store are attributable to that five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheeses, the arguer assumes too hastily that selling domestic cheeses only will continue to benefit the sales. The arguer has not accounted for the possibility that people has been bored of domestic cheeses since this year, or that domestic cheeses will lose its competitiveness in the future. Unless the arguer can convince me that these scenarios are unlikely I cannot accept the point that selling domestic cheeses in the future will make a fortune.

Finally, the arguer assumes that their company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory. However, the arguer entirely ignores some other choice, such that the selling price of imported cheeses might be much higher than domestic ones, which might achieve the same, even better effect. Further more, all the stores in their chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses for several years. It is difficult to change the existing conditions in a short period of time. Without thinking about these alternatives, we cannot accept the arguer's recommendation that discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses is the best one.

To sum up, the arguer's conclusion about improving profits is not well supported as it stands. To bolster it, the arguer must provide more evidence, such as more convincing statistics evidence and the following development of the stores. To better assess the problem, I would also need to know more information about how to keep a balance between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses to gain profits most.

雪幻梦影UID: 2624555

写了多久

余霞成绮UID: 2620031

2个多小时吧……上次谁跟我说Argument 15分钟一篇的。。。。我要秒了他。。

brisk1111UID: 2571604

In this argument, the arguer concludes that the best way to improve profits in all of their stores is to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. To strengthen this conclusion, the arguer provides a statistics about the increasing preference for domestic cheeses. At first glance, the argument might be somehow reasonable, but close scrutiny reveals it contains several unconvincing assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive.

First of all, the arguer claimed that domestic cheeses are more popular than imported cheeses depend on the assumption that the survey results are statistically reliable. Yet, the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate the assumption. The arguer must(在这类文章中要尽量避免用如此肯定的语气，建议改成should) show that the subscribers are made up of different age groups, and（好像前后是因果的关系，去掉逗号将and换成so是否要好些，另外这个地方的举例感觉不够充分，一般说调查部具有代表性除了说年龄还有性别，背景都可以说，这样可以使文章更有全面有说服力） that this sample is representative of all such buyers. Otherwise, the arguer cannot confidently draw any general conclusions about the popularity between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses, or about the statement that selling domestic cheeses will get better profits.
（这个段落好像攻击的三点，一是调查没有代表性，二不能得出哪个更受欢迎的结论三是哪个有更高的利润。这样写表面看写的很全面，但是都没有深入，特别是最后两点，。有句话是伤其十指不如断其一指，这也是写A的指导思想）
Secondly, even assuming that the statistics is accurate and authentic, the argument claims that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, and automatically assumes that selling domestic cheeses only（用这奇怪，是不是放到selling的前面去啊）can increase profits. （作者没有得出只有国内产的奶酪才能盈利的结论，只是说国内的比进口的更受欢迎，当然要是加上说受欢迎并不代表可以盈利就可以以下面的话攻击了，你觉得了？另外后又个误用的Day，题目是去年一年的结论）However, that might be not the case. The arguer obviously overlooks other possible explanations for this phenomenon. Newest store does not reflect the whole situation of the selling profits. In addition, best-selling is not equivalent to largest-gaining. For example, perhaps the selling price is very low, or perhaps sales promotion activities are being held these days. Without ruling out such possibilities, I cannot accept the arguer's point of selling domestic cheeses instead of selling imported cheeses can gain better profits.

Thirdly, even if the recent trends in their newest store are attributable to that five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheeses, the arguer assumes too hastily that selling domestic cheeses only will continue to benefit the sales. The arguer has not accounted for the possibility that people has been bored of domestic cheeses since this year, or that domestic cheeses will lose its competitiveness in the future. Unless the arguer can convince me that these scenarios are unlikely I cannot accept the point that selling domestic cheeses in the future will make a fortune.

Finally, the arguer assumes that their company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory. However, the arguer entirely ignores some other choice, such that the selling price of imported cheeses might be much higher than domestic ones, which might achieve the same, even better effect.（首先，根据经济学理论来讲减少存储是的确可以减少成本的，我觉得这里的攻击点在于，虽然减少的成本，但是可能买进口的奶酪得到的利润可以补偿这部分用于储存的费用，所以不该减，加红的地方我不知道是想说明或者是证明什么）Further more, all the stores in their chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses for several years. It is difficult to change the existing conditions in a short period of time. （没觉得会有什么困难啊）Without thinking about these alternatives, we cannot accept the arguer's recommendation that discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses is the best one.

To sum up, the arguer's conclusion about improving profits is not well supported as it stands. To bolster it, the arguer must provide more evidence, such as more convincing statistics evidence and the following development of the stores. To better assess the problem, I would also need to know more information about how to keep a balance between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses to gain profits most.这个平衡点不错。


总的来说文章的用词总是能避免重复，这是很好的，最大的缺点在我看来是flaws找的不够有力，在说服论证的时候也不够深入，不过毕竟是第一篇，能这样已经相当的不错了啦。

brisk1111UID: 2571604

终于改完了，花了偶50分钟啊，该的不好请见谅啦

lucarlUID: 2616426

Brisk改的认真，赞~

我也看了，小余以后不要谦虚了啊，看好你，咱们是要6分的人~

余霞成绮UID: 2620031

非常感谢brish1111的修改！！
居然和群主两人这么晚还没睡……太佩服了。。
偶先去考大英了。。回来慢慢参详。。。。。

飘飘zlyUID: 2200552

In this argument, the arguer concludes that the best way to improve profits in all of their stores is to discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. To strengthen this conclusion, the arguer provides a statistics about the increasing preference for domestic cheeses. At first glance, the argument might be somehow reasonable, but close scrutiny reveals it contains several unconvincing assumptions and is therefore unpersuasive.

First of all, the arguer's conclusion that domestic cheeses are more popular than imported cheeses depend on the assumption that the survey results are statistically reliable. Yet, the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate the assumption. The arguer must show that the subscribers are made up of different age groups, and that this sample is representative of all such buyers.（可以进一步说题目的subscribers 不满足这些条件） Otherwise, the arguer cannot confidently draw any general conclusions about the popularity between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses, or about the statement that selling domestic cheeses will get better profits.（这部分可以再深入点，为什么不能相信作者的结论。还有什么其他因素满足这样的结论吗？）

Secondly, even assuming that the statistics is accurate and authentic（赞）, the argument claims that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, and automatically（？） assumes that selling domestic cheeses only can increase profits. However, that（it 更好吧） might be not the case. The arguer obviously overlooks other possible explanations for this phenomenon. Newest store does not reflect the whole situation of the selling profits. In addition, best-selling is not equivalent to largest-gaining. For example, perhaps the selling price is very low, or perhaps sales promotion activities are being held these days. （说明一下这是新店）Without ruling out such possibilities, I cannot accept the arguer's point of selling domestic cheeses instead of selling imported cheeses can gain better profits.

Thirdly, even if the recent trends in their newest store are attributable to that five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheeses, the arguer assumes too hastily that selling domestic cheeses only will continue to benefit the sales. The arguer has not accounted for the possibility that people has been bored of domestic cheeses since this year, or that domestic cheeses will lose its competitiveness in the future.（还可以进一步说人们也许喜欢尝试进口的奶酪了） Unless the arguer can convince me that these scenarios are unlikely I cannot accept the point that selling domestic cheeses in the future will make a fortune.

Finally, the arguer assumes that their company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory. However, the arguer entirely ignores some other choice, such that the selling price of imported cheeses might be much higher than domestic ones, which might achieve the same, even better effect. Further more, all the stores in their chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses for several years. It is difficult to change the existing conditions in a short period of time. Without thinking about these alternatives, we cannot accept the arguer's recommendation that discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses is the best one.

To sum up, the arguer's conclusion about improving profits is not well supported as it stands. To bolster it, the arguer must provide more evidence, such as more convincing statistics evidence and the following development of the stores. To better assess the problem, I would also need to know more information about how to keep a balance between domestic cheeses and imported cheeses to gain profits most.


第一次写这样的文章真的不错~~
有的论证可以说的在深入些。我也有这样弱点~~

余霞成绮UID: 2620031

非常感谢飘飘的修改~~~
我会仔细研究的~~