0910G 同主题写作第五期 Argument65 WDI小组 By 小欣

okusaUID: 2342264

0910AWSPECTACULAR之【同主题写作】第五期ARGUMENT65 奶酪Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of （区域差异）cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however,论据1：the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to假设1：减少库存可以降低花销discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

提纲：
1．作者认为新店销售国货高以及有杂志调查为依据，则说减少进口奶酪来提高利润的结论是不对的。
2．
新商店不代表全国商店。
是CHEDDARCHEESE受欢迎还是国货受欢迎？
3．
作者的第2个论据来自一个调查，但是它的订阅者代表性如何？也许是国货爱好者联盟。即便订阅者具备代表性，他们的PREFERENCE就可以保证GOING TO BUY吗？
4．
作者说减少进口货的库存，则不能说明增加盈利。即便前五都是国货是真的，但是前5的销量在总奶酪销量的比例高吗？也许其他的5名以后的进口货销量高或者利润更高，则总盈利反倒更高。（所以也许进口货还是有市场的。）

In the memo, the president concludes that the profits would be increased by discontinuing stocking theimported cheese and concentrating on domestic cheeses. This conclusion is based on two arguments cited by the president: (1) the five best-selling cheeses atthe newest stores were all domestic cheddar cheeses; and (2) a recent survey’s indication of an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. I find these arguments too weak to support the conclusion.
Firstly, the newest stores are not representative of all stores. The best-selling achievements of domestic cheese at those newest stores may attribute to other reasons. Probably, the newest stores have coupons for domestic cheeses in order to grab more attention from the local customers. However, there is no such evidence and no detailed information of the new stores’ location in the arguments, so the limited fact of the newest store does not supportive.
Even if the newest store can represent the whole chain stores, it is too hasty to say the domestic cheeses are the most welcomed; the “domestic cheddar cheese” does not equal to domestic cheese; that is to say, it may attribute to people’s favor of cheddar cheese.

Secondly, the president cannot convince me by using such a survey by a magazine that has limited subscribers.The subscribers of Cheese of the world may be an association of domestic cheese lovers; therefore, the participants of this survey are not representative,which weakens the second argument of the president.
Moreover, even if the presidentconvinces me by evidences that the participants of the survey are representative, the preference of domestic cheeses of the survey result does not prove the customers have the tendency to buy it.

Finally, although it is the common sense that limiting inventory may reduce expenses, it remains to be discussed of whether discontinue stocking imported cheese may improve profits.I think the president confused the correlation of them. Let’s say, even if discontinuing imported cheese may reduce the expenses, we cannot say this action would bring profits. There are two reasons to repute: (1) stocking imported cheese has been for many years as indicated in the memo, so there must be a reason to maintain imported cheese stocked; (2) as in the first argument, indeed,the top 5 best-selling cheese are domestic ones. However, there is no evidenceto prove the sales profit of imported cheeses have low proportion of the whole;in other words, the imported cheese may be a great profitable part in the whole business.

To sum up, the president’s conclusion suffers from poor evidence. To bolster it, the author needs to show the supportive data from in-depth market research. It won’t be too late to draw the conclusion until the author can prove the imported cheese has low profits and high costs.


再附上WORD版本的，以便互改同学用。^_^谢谢！

bloodbobUID: 2627007

In the memo, the president concludes that the profits would be increased by discontinuing stocking the imported cheese and concentrating on domestic cheeses. This conclusion is based on two arguments cited by the president: (1) the five best-selling cheeses at the newest stores were all domestic cheddar cheeses; and (2) a recent survey’s indication of an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. I find these arguments too weak to support the conclusion.
Firstly, the newest stores are not representative of all stores. The best-selling achievements of domestic cheese at those newest stores may attribute to other reasons. Probably, the newest stores have coupons for domestic cheeses in order to grab more attention from the local customers. However, there is no such evidence and no detailed information of the new stores’ location in the arguments, so the limited fact of the newest store does(is) not supportive.
Even if the newest store can represent the whole chain stores, it is too hasty to say the domestic cheeses are the most welcomed; the “domestic cheddar cheese” does not equal to domestic cheese; that is to say, it may attribute to people’s favor of cheddar cheese.  （The domestic cheddar cheeses are mistaken for the domestic ones. And thus false assumption will be drawn that popularity goes the same in the case of domestic cheeses.）
Secondly, the president cannot convince me by using such a survey by (conducted by/in) a magazine that has limited subscribers. The subscribers of Cheese of the world may be an association of domestic cheese lovers; therefore, the participants of this survey are not representative, which weakens the second argument of the president.
Moreover, even if the president convinces me by evidences that the participants of the survey are representative, the preference of domestic cheeses of the survey result does not prove the customers have the tendency to buy it.

Finally, although it is the common sense that limiting inventory may reduce expenses, it remains to be discussed of (不需要吧) whether discontinue stocking imported cheese may improve profits. I think the president confused the correlation of them. Let’s say, even if discontinuing imported cheese may reduce the expenses, we cannot say this action would bring profits. There are two reasons to repute: （To repute the argument, I’d like to list two reasons as following）(1) stocking imported cheese has been for many years as indicated in the memo, (The Store start to stock Imported cheeses since the very early time) so there must be a reason to maintain imported cheese stocked（加细述，给假设原因）(2) as in the first argument, indeed, the top 5 best-selling cheese are domestic ones. However, there is no evidence to prove the sales profit of imported cheeses have low proportion of the whole; (no proof to show imported cheeses’ decline in profits available in the argument and thus the chance is good that imported cheeses makes more profits than the domestic counterpart) in other words, the imported cheese may be a great profitable part in the whole business.

To sum up, the president’s conclusion suffers from poor (the lack of) evidence. To bolster it, the author needs to show (provide/offer/search for) the supportive data from (through) in-depth market research. It won’t be too late to draw the conclusion until the author can prove the imported cheese has low profits and high costs.
（I strongly recommend the author to search for substantial evidence that may serve to ascribe the declining profits and increasing cost to the stock of imported cheese.）
总得来说，提纲比较完善（建议以后作业都附提纲，方便改的同学：）），攻击点也抓住了，只是觉得没有细说，比如你说there must be a reason to maintain imported cheese stocked后加上it’s well-packed, its unique taste…。Grab一词用得生动，coupon也是比较符合西方国家的。另外不得不说，许多句子有chinglish的影子，都帮你改了。

qtangtangsUID: 2630008

In the memo, the president concludes that the profits would be increased by discontinuing stocking the imported cheese and concentrating on domestic cheeses. This conclusion is based on two arguments cited by the president: (1) the five best-selling cheeses at the newest stores were all domestic cheddar cheeses; and (2) a recent survey’s indication of an increasing preference for domestic cheeses. I find these arguments too weak to support the conclusion.
(记得在某个同主题开篇说过，memorandum里的内容并不一定都是president写的,只是一个备忘录.所以这里还是不要用President比较好。另外逻辑是很清楚，但是总得稍微表态一下作者的逻辑是错的或者是有问题的吧?..)

Firstly, the newest stores are not representative of all stores. The best-selling achievements of domestic cheese at those newest stores may attribute to other reasons. Probably, the newest stores have coupons for domestic cheeses in order to grab more attention from the local customers. However, there is no such evidence and no detailed information of the new stores’ location in the arguments, so the limited fact of the newest store does not supportive.

Even if the newest store can represent the whole chain stores, it is too hasty to say the domestic cheeses are the most welcomed; the “domestic cheddar cheese” does not equal to domestic cheese; that is to say, it may attribute to people’s favor of cheddar cheese.
Secondly, the president cannot convince me by using such a survey by a magazine that has limited subscribers. The subscribers of Cheese of the world may be an association of domestic cheese lovers; therefore, the participants of this survey are not representative, which weakens the second argument of the president.

Moreover, even if the president convinces me by evidences that the participants of the survey are representative, the preference of domestic cheeses of the survey result does not prove the customers have the tendency to buy it.
Finally, although it is the common sense that limiting inventory may reduce expenses, it remains to be discussed of whether discontinue stocking imported cheese may improve profits. I think the president confused the correlation of them. Let’s say, even if(我是觉得even if出现的有点多，逻辑关系并不是只有让步，可以再考虑一下其他的逻辑联系拉，就算是让步，换个even though也行) discontinuing imported cheese may reduce the expenses, we cannot say this action would bring profits. There are two reasons to repute: (1) stocking imported cheese has been for many years as indicated in the memo, so there must be a reason(最好自己给出来，加个such as说一说) to maintain imported cheese stocked; (2) as in the first argument, indeed, the top 5 best-selling cheese are domestic ones. However, there is no evidence to prove the sales profit of imported cheeses have low proportion of the whole; in other words, the imported cheese may be a great profitable part in the whole business.
To sum up, the president’s conclusion suffers from poor evidence. To bolster it, the author needs to show the supportive data from in-depth market research. It won’t be too late to draw the conclusion until the author can prove the imported cheese has low profits and high costs.

不知道我这个分段是不是你原来的分段哈.. 但是我觉得firstly可以和后面的even if 那段合起来
secondly可以和Moreover合起来
如果原来就是这样的话
那无视这句…

另外，点子是说到了，但是我觉得每个点，或者至少某个点，可以说的再详细一点
比如说第一段的probably,后再加一个or probably… 之类的
还有这个作者到底是不是president 很值得怀疑..
所以还是不要用的好