0910AW 同主题写作第5期 ARGUMENT65 by carolfox

carolfoxUID: 2237839

TOPIC: ARGUMENT65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."


     In this memo, the president of a chain of cheese store makes a suggestion that is to discontinue stocking many of varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses, in order to improve the profits of his stores. To support his viewpoint, he uses selas performance of the newest store and a survey by Cheese of the World magazine as the evidences. However, these evidences is not sufficient enough to prove this dicision can make more profits.
     First of all, the president mentioned at last year, the top5 selling cheeses at his newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. While, using this achivement as proof is unreasonable. First, how much market did the newest store occupy? If this store locates in a little town or its selas preformance is terrible, the best-selling is just a joke. It is possible that the best-selling cheeses of some bigger stores is import cheese at the same city. Furthermore, even if the newest store has taken up majority of local market of cheeses, its sales volume can only represent people's trend of consumption in that area. But, this chain of cheese stores is throughout the whole Unit States. As a big company, it can not use the condition of  consumption in a city or in a state as the metewand, it is absurd.  
    In addition, the president also use the survey by Cheese of the World magazine to support his recommandation. And this survey indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among the subscribers of the magazine. The result of survey seems that sales of domestic cheeses will be better and better, because those subscribers prefer to domestic cheeses. However, the consumer of the cheese stores is all over the Unit States, not only the subscribers of some magazine. This survey is short of  representation. Maybe the magazine only publishes in minor states even in several city, and maybe the number of the subscribers is few.
     The last, the suggestion itself is nonsensical. The best way to improve profits in all stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses, isn't it? In commonsence, profits equal to  difference from sell-price and cost. The domestic cheeses maybe is low cost, but it is possible that the profits of selling import cheeses is much higher than selling domestic cheeses. Even though the sales of import cheeses is worse than demostic, it is reasonless to discontinue stocking varieties of import cheeses.
     In sum, both of those proofs supported the president's suggestion is not enough sufficient. To increasing the profits in all stores, the company must to investigate the particular condition of everycity, and gains more particular data. Because it is different from one place to another.

okusaUID: 2342264

哈喽 改好啦！再附件附上WORD版本，方便你看。
框框是拼写问题。
下线时我看时有疑问的。

In this memo, thepresident of a chain of cheese store makes a suggestion that is todiscontinue stocking many of varieties of imported cheese andconcentrate primarily on domestic cheeses划线的语法, in order toimprove the profits of his stores. To support his viewpoint, he uses selas拼写 performance of the newest store and a survey byCheese of the World magazine as the evidences. However, these evidences isnot sufficient enough to prove this dicision can make moreprofits. （开头很清晰，好！）

     First of all, the president mentioned that last year the top5 selling cheeses at his neweststore were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. While, using this achivement as proof is unreasonable. First,想这个first是否可以换个别的用法？
how much market did the newest store occupy HOWMUCH 能否换成更清晰的说法？比如强调the proportion of the sales among allstores? If this store locates in alittle town （rural area? Small town?） or its selas preformance isterrible, the best-selling is just a joke. It is possible that the best-sellingcheeses of some bigger stores is import cheese at the same city. Furthermore,even if the newest store has taken up majority of local market of cheeses, itssales volume can only represent people's trend of consumption in that area.But, this chain of cheese stores is throughout the whole Unit States. As a nation-wide/ national company, it can not use thecondition of  consumption in a city or in a state as the metewand, which is absurd.  
    In addition, the president also use the survey by Cheese ofthe World magazine to support his recommandation. Andthis survey indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among thesubscribers of the magazine. 读到这里，我的预期是此处该批subscriber不具代表性，也就是它调查选的参与者有问题。我这句蓝色的话的前后两个句子是两个点，一个是订阅者的问题；一个是国产奶酪购买趋势的问题。要么一一击破，要么两句话之间添加链接词。
The result of survey seemsthat sales of domestic cheeses will be better and better, because thosesubscribers prefer domestic cheeses.However, the consumer of the cheese stores is all over the Unit States, not only the subscribers of some换成一个具体特指的，the就可以 magazine. This surveyis short of  representation.Maybe the magazine only publishes in minor states even in several city, andmaybe the number of the subscribers is few (limited?).然后段末再来个小总结更好了。
     The last, the suggestion itself is nonsensical.The best way to improve profits in all stores is to discontinue stocking manyof our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domesticcheeses, isn't it? In commonsence, profits equal to  difference fromsell-price and cost. The domestic cheeses maybe is low cost, but it is possiblethat the profits of selling import cheeses is much higher than selling domesticcheeses. 加：所以，进口奶酪也许有市场，有价值（因为它收利高嘛）Even though the sales of import cheeses is worsethan demostic ones, it is reasonless todiscontinue stocking varieties of import cheeses. 再往清楚说说：因为进口奶酪多年以来长期备货，所以无根据无调查的突然停货是没理的。
     In sum, both of those proofs supported the president'ssuggestion is not enough sufficient. To increasing the profits in all stores,the company must to investigate the particular condition of everycity, andgains more particular data. Because it is different from one place toanother.最后句话是个半句。

FOX兄弟应该基础很好，虽然单词拼写有的缺胳膊少腿儿哈，不是大问题。
整体印象就是你的思路清楚，除了第3段需要调整下。
第一次给组员改，水平局限在自己的写作模式里，有异议的多多包涵哈，并且欢迎讨论~^_^