0910AW 同主题写作第五期 Argument65 by Bull Bee--Jeremie

JeremieUID: 2622601

Argument65 The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Words:557  Time:2h

This memo recommends that they should primarily concentrate on domestic cheeses to improve profits in all the stores as a result of limiting inventory. To support the recommendation, the president points out that the domestic cheeses sell well in their newest store and he also cites a survey reflecting a preference for domestic cheeses. The argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unconvincing as it stands.

Primarily, the president thinks that domestic cheeses sell well by referring to their newest store. However, the situation in the newest store can't stand for all the stores in the US. For one thing, customers in the area the certain store stands may prefer to the domestic cheeses, but whether customers in other places like this kind of cheese is unknown according to the memo. For another thing, the best-selling now may not still be the best-selling in the future, for its customers' preference may have unpredictable shift especially as a new store. Beside, the high quantity of sale in the new store may result from the manufactories' frequent advertisements or the local government's conduction. Anyway, applying the result in a new store to the whole chain is inaccurate.

Another point the president overlooks is that despite the high quantity of sale of the domestic cheeses, there are no evidence that the imported cheeses don't have a market share. It is understandable that each product has its customers, which probably also be the case of imported cheeses. That means discounting the selling of imported cheeses will let them lose those customers who prefer the imported cheeses and finally influence their earnings.

As for the survey, it is not cogent either, mainly in two aspects. First, as the memo says, the survey is conducted by Cheeses of the World magazine. What kind of readers does it have? Maybe the readers of the same magazine have a similar preference in cheeses, which can't be a reasonable proof that most people like the domestic cheeses. Second, the rate of the valid questionnaires is not given, which suggests that maybe customers with a high praise for imported cheeses don't convey their feelings actively or successfully. Besides, there may be some other situations that needs consideration. For instance, the magazine may has some special relationship with some domestic cheeses manufactories, which transforms the result of the survey from it really should be. In a word, the survey isn't convincing and thus can't support that customers have an increasing preference for domestic cheeses.

Even assuming that domestic cheeses really have a better sell, we can't say that concentrating on domestic cheeses will bring all the stores more earnings, for there are several elements acting on the final profits, the most obvious in which is that the profit made in domestic cheeses is not calculated. For example, if domestic cheeses' profit is much lower than that of imported ones, concentrating primarily on domestic cheeses may not improve profit more notably in contrary to concentrating on imported cheeses or even the previous way.

In conclusion, the recommendation is not well supported. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide better facts, at least the real preference of most consumers, the influence from matters beyond the flavor itself, and the detailed comparison between the cheeses' profits. Only in that case can the recommendation really convince me.

sha-shineUID: 2610662

Argument65 The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Words:557  Time:2h

This memo recommends that they should primarily concentrate on domestic cheeses to improve profits in all the stores as a result of limiting inventory. To support the recommendation, the president points out that the domestic cheeses sell well in their newest store and he also cites a survey reflecting a preference for domestic cheeses. The argument rests on（rest这个小词用的好！） a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unconvincing as it stands.
（首段概述了题目并指出缺点，感觉似乎前面的部分在简略点，并且再添点其他东西。因为你想，考官在披卷的时候，这样的开头出现很多，他看的也会很枯燥）

Primarily, the president thinks that domestic cheeses sell well by referring to their newest store. However, the situation in the newest store can't stand for all the stores in the US. For one thing, customers in the area the certain store stands may prefer to the domestic cheeses, but whether customers in other places like this kind of cheese is unknown according to the memo. For another thing, the best-selling now may not still be the best-selling in the future, （这个用的好，曾经的不一定永恒，见过 不过不知道该怎么用。）for its customers' preference may have unpredictable shift especially as a new store. Beside, the high quantity of sale in the new store may result from the manufactories' frequent advertisements or the local government's conduction. Anyway, applying the result in a new store to the whole chain is inaccurate.
（这段格式也很好，开头结尾总结，中间阐述。很严谨也很符合ETS的风格）

Another point the president overlooks is that despite the high quantity of sale of the domestic cheeses, there are no evidence that the imported cheeses don't have a market share. It is understandable that each product has its customers, which probably also be the case of imported cheeses. That means discounting the selling of imported cheeses will let them lose those customers who prefer the imported cheeses and finally influence their earnings.
（这里这句话有些跑题，因为段首是没有证据显示仅有奶酪有足够的市场占有率，最后应该结尾到“所以不能通过这个证明...”，而不是...现在的结尾）
As for the survey, it is not cogent either, mainly in two aspects. First, as the memo says, the survey is conducted by Cheeses of the World magazine. What kind of readers does it have? Maybe the readers of the same magazine have a similar preference in cheeses, which can't be a reasonable proof that most people like the domestic cheeses. Second, the rate of the valid questionnaires is not given, which suggests that maybe（这里应该换一个词，上面已经用过MAYBE了） customers with a high praise for imported cheeses don't convey their feelings actively or successfully. Besides, there may be（同上） some other situations that needs consideration. For instance, the magazine may has some special relationship with some domestic cheeses manufactories, which transforms the result of the survey from it really should be. In a word, the survey isn't convincing and thus can't support that customers have an increasing preference for domestic cheeses.

Even assuming that （这里似乎缺少主语）domestic cheeses really have a better sell, we can't say that concentrating on domestic cheeses will bring all the stores more earnings, for there are several elements acting on the final profits, the most obvious in which is that the profit made in domestic cheeses is not calculated. For example, if domestic cheeses' profit is much lower than that of imported ones, concentrating primarily on domestic cheeses may not improve profit more notably in contrary to concentrating on imported cheeses or even the previous way.

In conclusion, the recommendation is not well supported. To strengthen the argument, the author should provide better facts, at least the real preference of most consumers, the influence from matters beyond the flavor itself, and the detailed comparison between the cheeses' profits. Only in that case can the recommendation really convince me.
最后一段应该再有一个让步就更加完美了。

JeremieUID: 2622601

2# sha-shine

说的是啊~我收尾的时候就是很仓促，都被你看出来了，果然好眼力！
非常的感谢O(∩_∩)O