Argument127 =August Rush=小组第2次作业 by echodingdingh

echodingdinghUID: 2632612

127.The vicepresident for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the
following recommendation to the company's president.

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement
electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations.
Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be
identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent
on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games.
By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company
computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better
work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits."

为提高我们的员工的生产效率，我们应该在员工的终端上加装电子监控来监视员工对互联网的使用。如果我们要减少用于私人以及娱乐活动，比如购物或玩游戏的工作时间，在终端上使用互联网的员工必须要被确认并且受到惩罚。通过在公司电脑上安装检测员工使用互联网的软件，我们可以防止员工浪费时间，并培养Climpson更好的工作氛围，以及提高我们的整体利润。


破题分析:
1.我们应该在员工的终端加装电子监控.
2.我们要减少网络用于的私人以及娱乐活动,必须对在终端上使用互联网的员工确认并且惩罚.
3.安装电子监控的好处:防止员工浪费时间,培养C更好的工作氛围,提高公司整体利润.


提纲:
1.人力资源的VP的这个建议安装终端电子监控的提议有一定的道理,但是某些地方考虑欠妥.首先对将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的这种行为进行确认和惩罚并不一定能很有效地减少甚至杜绝此类行为.其次,即使这种行为受到了良好的控制,我们并不能说员工就因为少浪费了时间而提高了工作效率以至于公司整体利润得到了提高.另外,没有证据显示私人以及娱乐活动的减少可以有效地培养C更好的工作氛围.


2.将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的行为进行确认和惩罚,最直接的结果是使员工不能在工作之余得到放松和舒缓.


3.这种行为也可能很幸运地在这种制度下得到良好的控制.但是得到良好的控制并不意味着员工少浪费了时间,从而提高了工作效率.


4. 这种控制员工网上的私人和娱乐活动的手段如果取得成功,也不能引导我们推出该公司的工作氛围会变得更好.


5.总的来说我认为这种控制员工私人以及娱乐活动的手法是存在缺陷的.因为控制并不等于员工自愿地投入到工作当中,反而有使其产生逆反心理的危机.

echodingdinghUID: 2632612

Therecommedation from the vice president for human resources has offered astrategy that make use of the electronic monitoring to improve theiremplyees’productivity.It do make sense but still lack further consideration.First,toimpement the electronic monitoring of employee’s Internet use from theirworkstations is not that efficient to reduce even end the use of Internet bythe employees.Then,even though the use of the Internet has been well undercontrol.It does not necessarily mean that the employees’waste of time hasreduced which lead to higher productivity.What’s more,no obvious evidence can provethat the decrese of hours spent on personal or recreational activities willcause to better phenomenon among the employees.


Tomake the employees who use the Internet from their workstation indentified andpunished will directly lead to the lack of rest and relax time of the employeesafter their hard work.Some may accept the institution and take more time onwork,but some may not.The group that are not satisfied with the electronicmonitoring will probably find other ways to relax.For example,they may findways of recreation which is not based on the Internet or some high-techemployees may work out some way to avoid being indetified by the monitoring andthey may therefore spend time on the personal and receation even more thanbefore.Therefore,the productivity will not make any progress.


Thepersonal and recreation time may be taken away by an effective monitoring.Butit still doesn’t mean that people’s time are less wasted and the company’sproducity will improve.For people need to combine work and rest togther to geta high productivity.Not all the time that is used for things beyond work is awaste of time.And If
a companylimits its employees too much,there will be no good result.In one aspect,theemployees’tiredness cannot be release and thus they cannot go on workingefficiently.In another,opponent emotions may rise among the employees for thetired work which will also lead to uneffectiveness of work.


Asuccessful control of the employees’time spent on personal and recreationalactivities does not equal the better phenomenon which is presumed among them.Becauseif the pressure of work cannot be released by an employee himself(orherself),the most probably result is he(or she)may share it to the others whichwill lead to more employees to be fed up with work and find ways to relaxtogether.It’s obvious that this case will in the contrary lead to a bad phenomenonamong them.Thanks to the bad phenomenon,some people who are concentrated onwork stuff will be affected as well.


Toconclude.I think the way of using an electronic monitoring to prevent employeesfrom unproperly using the Internet is not a perfect one.The main problem is thatto control someone’s activity doesn’t necessarily means his(or her)attitudes willbe efficaciously changed.More humanicdirection need to be headed.

尾羽UID: 2482591

127.The vicepresident for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.

"In an effort to improve our employees' productivity, we should implement electronic monitoring of employees' Internet use from their workstations. Employees who use the Internet from their workstations need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities, such as shopping or playing games. By installing software to detect employees' Internet use on company computers, we can prevent employees from wasting time, foster a better work ethic at Climpson, and improve our overall profits."

为提高我们的员工的生产效率，我们应该在员工的终端上加装电子监控来监视员工对互联网的使用。如果我们要减少用于私人以及娱乐活动，比如购物或玩游戏的工作时间，在终端上使用互联网的员工必须要被确认并且受到惩罚。通过在公司电脑上安装检测员工使用互联网的软件，我们可以防止员工浪费时间，并培养Climpson更好的工作氛围，以及提高我们的整体利润。

破题分析:

1.我们应该在员工的终端加装电子监控.

2.我们要减少网络用于的私人以及娱乐活动,必须对在终端上使用互联网的员工确认并且惩罚.

3.安装电子监控的好处:防止员工浪费时间,培养C更好的工作氛围,提高公司整体利润.

提纲:

1.人力资源的VP的这个建议安装终端电子监控的提议有一定的道理,但是某些地方考虑欠妥.首先对将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的这种行为进行确认和惩罚并不一定能很有效地减少甚至杜绝此类行为.其次,即使这种行为受到了良好的控制,我们并不能说员工就因为少浪费了时间而提高了工作效率以至于公司整体利润得到了提高.另外,没有证据显示私人以及娱乐活动的减少可以有效地培养C更好的工作氛围.

2.将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的行为进行确认和惩罚,最直接的结果是使员工不能在工作之余得到放松和舒缓.（为什么？原文里并没有说会全天监控员工，只是说要用软件减少员工把工作时间花在别的事情上的机会 “need to be identified and punished if we are to reduce the number of work hours spent on personal or recreational activities”从原文中不能得出，员工是不能在工作之余放松的。所以，这个一点，不太站得住。）

3.这种行为也可能很幸运地在这种制度下得到良好的控制.但是得到良好的控制并不意味着员工少浪费了时间,从而提高了工作效率.(这点与第一点里的“其次”不是重复了嘛？)

4. 这种控制员工网上的私人和娱乐活动的手段如果取得成功,也不能引导我们推出该公司的工作氛围会变得更好.（与第一点里的“另外”重复）

5.总的来说我认为这种控制员工私人以及娱乐活动的手法是存在缺陷的.因为控制并不等于员工自愿地投入到工作当中,反而有使其产生逆反心理的危机.

你的提纲列的很详细，但是一般没有必要在第一段里把你要攻击的点全部罗列一遍（跟后面重复）。我觉得第一段只要概述原文的意思，并且说明原文的推理过程或者结论是有问题的就可以了。然后在234段中，再一一攻击。提纲的问题（也就整篇文章的结构和思路问题）在这里指出，下面就不重复改了。

The()recommendation from the vice president for human resources has offered a()strategy that make use of the electronic monitoring to improve their()employees’()productivity. It do make sense but still lack further consideration. First, to()implement the electronic monitoring of employee’s Internet use from their()workstations is not that(这个that在这里是什么用的？that后面跟形容词肯定不对) efficient to reduce even end the use of Internet(这个说法不对，公司不是要禁止使用员工上网，而是要尽量避免有机会让他们在工作时间上网去干与工作无关的事。) by()the employees. Then, even though the use of the Internet has been well under()control. It does not necessarily mean(我不是很确定这个表达搭配是否正确) that the employees’ waste of time has()reduced which lead to higher productivity(这句话太中文化了。。). What’s more, no obvious evidence can prove()that the decrease of hours spent on personal or recreational activities will()cause to(to删掉，cause是及物动词，后面不用加介词)(a) better phenomenon(什么样状况是a better phenomenon?此前并没有提到过，所以最好讲明。) among the employees.

To()make the employees who use the Internet from their workstation indentified(identified) and()punished will directly lead to the lack of rest and relax time of the employees()after their hard work. (这里第一句你写的意思是监管和惩罚对互联网的使用，会使员工的休息时间减少，那么这段里是否应该写休息时间减少可能会导致员工出现健康问题，从而影响正常的工作？如果你这段是想写员工还有其他浪费时间的手段，那么第一句就应该写“只监控员工在电脑上的活动是无效的，因为他们还有别的方式来浪费工作时间”每段的首句应该起码起到“启下”的作用)Some may accept the institution and take more time on()work, but some may not. The group that are not satisfied with the electronic()monitoring will probably find other ways to relax. For example, they may find()ways of recreation which is not based on the Internet or some high-tech()employees may work out some way to avoid being indetified(identified, 我认为拼错一次是情有可原，两次或两次以上拼错同一个就可以判断对该单词记忆有误，何况，这是原文里有的单词。) by the monitoring and()they may therefore spend time on the personal and recreation even more than()before. Therefore, the productivity will not make any progress.(这一段一共出现了5个may，两句话里出现了3个way，重复次数实在多了点)

The()personal and recreation time may be taken away by an effective monitoring. But(,)it still doesn’t(does not) mean that people’s time are less wasted and the company’s()producity will improve(be improved). For people need to combine work and rest together(combine…with是固定用法，况且，不是people需要结合工作和休息，而应该是people’s work need to combine with rest.我觉得这里还是中文思维习惯在作祟,要尽量避免这点！”together” 删掉) to get()a high productivity. Not all the time that is used for things beyond work is a()waste of time.(这句什么意思？) And If a company()limits its(删掉) employees too much, there will be no good result. In one aspect, the()employees’()tiredness cannot be release(released) and thus they cannot go on working()efficiently. In another (我没见过这种讲法，建议写In another aspect,或者On the other hand,), opponent emotions(opponent是指反对的人，专门指人，不能用作反对意见的意思。如果你这里确实是指反对者，那么应该是“the opponents’ negative emotions“;如果你这里想写的是反对的情绪，那么建议”opposed emotions“) may rise among the employees for the()tired work which will also lead to uneffectiveness(ineffectiveness) of work.

A()successful control of the employees’()time spent on personal and recreational()activities does not equal the better phenomenon(phenomenon这个词，在你的文章中用了很多次，但是我觉得你对它的理解有误。我认为这个词多数情况下是指自然现象，尤其是一些人类科学还不能完全解释清楚的自然现象。这个词，并没有表示“情况“的意思！建议你好好查一下字典，看英文解释。) which is presumed among them. Because(,)if the pressure of work cannot be released by an employee himself(or()herself),the most probably result is he(or she)may share it to the others which()will lead to more employees to be fed up with work and find ways to relax()together. It’s(It is) obvious that this case will in the contrary(这个放在这里什么意思？会导致坏情况的相反一面？那意思岂不是成了会导致好结果？！) lead to a bad phenomenon()among them. Thanks to the bad phenomenon, some people who are concentrated on()work stuff will be affected as well.(这句又是什么意思？bad phenomenon究竟指的是什么？我真的看不懂。)

To()conclude. (我没见过，一个不定式后面加句号，单独成为一个句子的。。。)I think the way of using an electronic monitoring to prevent employees()from unproperly (improperly) using the Internet is not a perfect one. The main problem is that()to control someone’s activity doesn’t necessarily means his(or her)attitudes will()be efficaciously()changed. More humanicdirection(这是什么？？) need to be headed.(最后一段应该是作个最后的总结，原文最大的问题是那个措施不一定能在提高员工工作时间利用率上起到效果，更加不一定能增加公司的业绩。可是，你在结尾完全没有提到这方面的意思，而是讲了“控制一个人的行为并不等于控制一个人的思想”，这真是有点扯远了。。。根本不是the main problem。我会认为你没有抓住原文的中心逻辑问题。)


我有两大疑问：

1.你是否是限时写作？提纲虽然有些问题，但是大体把几个问题都点到了。可惜你在写的过程中，思路相当混乱，概念混淆，缺乏逻辑性，有点想到哪写到哪的味道。建议整体结构应该遵循总分总，中间3段有时可以采用总分结构。建议多看范文，学习他们的写作思路。

2.单词拼写和语法问题虽然多，可以改，建议多转换句型，有几个句型你用了多遍，比如“(which) will lead to”。但我无法容忍的是为什么那么多单词间的空格都不空？！“()”标注的都是空格的问题。请下次一定注意！如果你的空格键坏了，那另当别论。

以上均为个人观点，仅供参考，欢迎讨论。尤其是语法上的问题，我改的不一定对，因为我语法不怎么好。

yangguang_86UID: 2414818

提纲:

1.人力资源的VP的这个建议安装终端电子监控的提议有一定的道理,但是某些地方考虑欠妥.首先对将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的这种行为进行确认和惩罚并不一定能很有效地减少甚至杜绝此类行为.其次,即使这种行为受到了良好的控制,我们并不能说员工就因为少浪费了时间而提高了工作效率以至于公司整体利润得到了提高.另外,没有证据显示私人以及娱乐活动的减少可以有效地培养C更好的工作氛围.[这就是个总体提纲啊，我很少看到开头有这样写的可以和传统的写法比较一下哪个写起来更省时间，还有这种开头方法要求下文层次要尽量对应，往往下面写着写着就忘记这点了]

2.将网络用于私人以及娱乐活动的行为进行确认和惩罚,最直接的结果是使员工不能在工作之余得到放松和舒缓.（感觉你第一段论证上来找的逻辑错误是“片面考虑”有些隔靴搔痒的意味“不能在工作之余得到放松和舒缓”和“产生逆反心理的危机”到底哪个更严重？感觉2推出4都能合起来写，好像和开头提出的第一个问题不怎么对应）

3.这种行为也可能很幸运地在这种制度下得到良好的控制.但是得到良好的控制并不意味着员工少浪费了时间,从而提高了工作效率.（这是充分必要类错误）

4. 这种控制员工网上的私人和娱乐活动的手段如果取得成功,也不能引导我们推出该公司的工作氛围会变得更好.
（这是充分必要类错误/片面考虑优点）

5.总的来说我认为这种控制员工私人以及娱乐活动的手法是存在缺陷的.因为控制并不等于员工自愿地投入到工作当中,反而有使其产生逆反心理的危机.（结尾除了列主要错误外【以上的只是列错误，而且从提纲看只是列了一个错】，最好加上“为使论证更加信服，论者必须提供**论据，才能体现更强的逻辑性，才能被人们所信服”，你看这样的结尾是否更好点）

The recommendation from the vice president for human resources has offered a strategy that make use of the electronic monitoring to improve their
employees’ productivity.（你是想写同位语从句吧，很明显不对，定从也不对（strategy能主动吗）改成“a strategy by using electronic monitoring ……”）
It do make sense but still lack further consideration. First, to implement the electronic monitoring of employee’s Internet use from their workstations is not that efficient to reduce even end the use of Internet by the employees（一句话几个谓语？even只是个副词改为“efficient to reduce ，/or even to end the use”）. Then, even though (两个连接词啊，去then) the use of the Internet has been well under control. It does not necessarily mean that the employees’ waste of time has reduced which lead to higher productivity （宾语从句后直接跟定于从句修饰，不知对不对没见过）. What’s more, no obvious evidence can prove that the decrease of hours spent on personal or recreational activities will cause to better phenomenon among the employees.（第一段文字写完后和第二段之间有起承转合吗？没有逻辑啊）

To make the employees who use the Internet from their workstation indentified(identified) and punished will directly lead to the lack of rest and relax time of the employees after their hard work. Some may accept the institution and take more time on work, but some may not. The group that are not satisfied with the electronic monitoring will probably find other ways to relax. For example, they may find ways of recreation which is not based on the Internet. or some high-tech employees may work out some way to avoid being indetified(identified) by the monitoring and they may therefore连词and后再出现连词？(“by the monitoring ,therefore they may spend”) spend time on the personal and recreation even more than before.
Therefore（改为一个表递进的词“for that matter /If so /Obviously”）, the productivity will not make any progress

The personal and recreation time may（可不代表这句话有递进关系，虽然下面含转折but）be taken away by an effective monitoring. But it still doesn’t mean that people’s time are less wasted and the company’s producity(productivity) will improve(应用被动). For people need to combine work and rest together to get a high productivity（换成efficiency好点）. Not all the time that is used for things beyond work is a waste of time.（time may not go well beyond working hours）And If a company limits its employees too much, there will be no good result. In one aspect, the employees’ tiredness cannot be release and thus they cannot go on working efficiently.(和第二段开头关系比较紧) In another, opponent emotions may rise among the employees for the tired work which will also lead to uneffectiveness（ineffectiveness） of work.

A successful control of the employees’ time spent on personal and recreational activities does not equal （with）the better phenomenon which is presumed among them（指代不清）. Because if the pressure of work cannot be released by an employee himself(or herself),the most probably（probable） result is he(or she)may share it to（with） the others which will lead to more employees to be fed up with work and find ways to relax
together. （变成非限制定从好点，不然先行词有点混乱）It’s obvious that this case will in the contrary lead to a bad phenomenon among them. Thanks to（你表达的“由于”有“多亏了”这层含义） the bad phenomenon, some people who are concentrated on work stuff will be affected as well.（这段写得有点混乱，看起来需要分析成分才能理解哦，能把he or she 这种用法省了最好省了，前面用employees, themselves就好了）

To conclude（很少有这样用的吧）. I think the way of using an electronic monitoring to prevent employees from unproperly（ improperly） using the Internet is not a perfect one. The main problem is that to control someone’s activity doesn’t necessarily means his(or her)attitudes will
be efficaciously changed. More humanic direction need to be headed(????)

1.正文很明显没有在word里检查过……
2.我也许死扣语法了，但很少读到文章[GRE阅读除外]从句套从句套的很晕的，我也经常犯这种错误，结果自己看的都感觉费劲，更别说别人看了：）
3.这次是不是写得有点急了，语言层次有点混乱，段落间连接性不好，有问题记下来我们讨论 ~

yangguang_86UID: 2414818

哇塞，板凳那楼那改的~~:lol

为什么不能用缩略It's ？为什么“because，”用逗号隔开？？

crepuscularlywUID: 2645654

改好了