0910AW 同主题写作第五期 ARGUMENT65 by 家家

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

Argument65.

The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

On account of the sales report from the newest store and a recent survey by a well-known magazine, the author argues to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses in order to improve profits. Although his argument seems be waged on just grounds at first glance, there are still containing several defects which cannot be neglected.

To begin with, the author generalizes that domestic cheeses are more popular than imported ones from isolated newest store. The sales report from the new store might be able to represent local consumers’ preference of that specific place where the store operated, but means little to the whole state’s selective orientation. Thus, we cannot simply see the newest store’s sales reports but ignore other stores’ results. As the enterprise which the author mentions is a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States, stand in an overall viewpoint of the whole market’s situation must be essential. Moreover, according to the data, the five best-selling cheeses at the new store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, which tells only one kind of domestic cheese, cheddar, is quite popular but doesn’t mention any other domestic cheeses’ popularity. Based on these two points, we can right off point out the popularity of all kinds of domestic cheeses is not that credible as the author argues.

In addition, the author exaggerates the effect of the recent survey by the Cheeses of the World magazine purposely. According to our common sense, a group of people who subscribe the same magazine must have some common grounds, such as prefer the same things, in the same age group, or in same trade and etc., thus, as the author argues, the survey by that magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, this evidence cannot support the popularity of domestic cheeses among the whole nation that steadily. Even if we accept the survey’s credibility of indicating the preference of domestic cheeses over around the whole state, how can the author show this “preference” means a lot of “purchase”? It is entirely possible the preference of those subscribers means little of purchasing the cheese.

Last but not the least, it’s irrational for the author to appeal the whole enterprise discontinue stocking varieties of imported cheeses. As a chain of cheeses stores, a part of stores’ commodities usually under the same distribution and logistics, that means if the whole enterprise stopped stocking varieties of imported cheeses then some stores lack of their marketable commodities in all probability. Besides, people’s taste is usually variable; their preference can be affected by several different effects, such like food representation, savor, and even color or weather. Thus, the enterprise should better stock varieties of cheeses without distinction of their origins and regulate the amount of each type according to the continual change of the market. It’s hasty to discontinue stocking of imported cheeses.

To sum up, the author shows little cogent evidence which can support the popularity of domestic cheeses as he argues and lacks of comprehensive considering the whole market. Thus, if he wants to suggest the president adjusting the stock of domestic and imported cheeses in order to get higher profits, he definitely needs to show more detailed information and more convincing evidences. Only based of those words, it is logically rejected.

tracywlzUID: 2522388

我就知道颜色过不了关的。请见附件

Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States. "For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic（没有提到import，都可归于survey）cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

On account of the sales report from the newest store and a recent survey by a well-known magazine,（你是从作者的依据出发质疑的那么后面的主线也是这2点。这里做的不错。）
the author argues to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses in order to improve profits. Although his argument seems be waged on just grounds at first glance, there are still containing several defects which cannot be neglected. （有个很隐蔽的地方没看到，标题是throughout the United States，杂志是Cheeses of the World magazine。开头还不错。）

To begin with, the author generalizes that domestic cheeses are more popular than imported ones from isolated newest store. The sales report from the new store might be able to represent local consumers’ preference of that specific place where the store operated, but means little to the whole state’s selective orientation. Thus, we cannot simply see the newest store’s sales reports but ignore other stores’ results. As the enterprise which the author mentions is a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States, stand in an overall viewpoint of the whole market’s situation must be essential. （这句话可以和后面的综合下，放在段尾）Moreover, according to the data, the five best-selling cheeses at the new store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, which tells only one kind of domestic cheese, cheddar, is quite popular but doesn’t mention any other domestic cheeses’ popularity. Based on these two points, we can right off point out the popularity of all kinds of domestic cheeses is not that credible as the author argues. （感觉条理很清楚，逻辑也不错）

In addition, the author exaggerates the effect of the recent survey by the Cheeses of the World magazine purposely. According to our common sense, a group of people who subscribe the same magazine must have some common grounds, such as prefer the same things, in the same age group, or in same trade and etc., thus, as the author argues, the survey by that magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, this evidence cannot support the popularity of domestic cheeses among the whole nation that steadily.（这里最好具体说明，订阅者的哪些共同性可能导致调查的局限） Even if we accept the survey’s credibility of indicating the preference of domestic cheeses over around the whole state, how can the author show this “preference” means a lot of “purchase”? （这点不错，值得深入写）t is entirely possible the preference of those subscribers means little of purchasing the cheese. （这段说survey,就应该深入，全面的说。否则给别人感觉，你看到了survey的不足，但是只看到皮毛。有些浅尝辄止的感觉~）

Last but not the least, it’s irrational for the author to appeal the whole enterprise discontinue stocking varieties of imported cheeses. As a chain of cheeses stores, a part of stores’ commodities usually under the same distribution and logistics, that means if the whole enterprise stopped stocking varieties of imported cheeses then some stores lack of their marketable commodities in all probability. Besides, people’s taste is usually variable; their preference can be affected by several different effects, such like food representation, savor, and even color or weather. Thus, the enterprise should better stock varieties of cheeses without distinction of their origins and regulate the amount of each type according to the continual change of the market. It’s hasty to discontinue stocking of imported cheeses.（这一段是从整体上来看的，开头说道限制库存不合理，我觉得应该在开头总结下为什么不合理然后再单个论述。但是后面又写道人们的口味的改变。然后有因此推出了你的结论。这里更像是提建议，但是感觉紫色的句子有些偏了。建议好好看下 :））

To sum up, the author shows little cogent evidence which can support the popularity of domestic cheeses as he argues and lacks of comprehensive considering the whole market. Thus, if he wants to suggest the president adjusting the stock of domestic and imported cheeses in order to get higher profits, he definitely needs to show more detailed information and more convincing evidences. Only based of those words, it is logically rejected.（这一段其实就一句话，作者缺乏足够的证据来支持他的观点。你这里感觉重复废话了很长~呵呵。我觉得，如果把上段的作者该如何做放到这段写，既工整，又有升华还可以与开头对应~）

提干有些我划蓝字的地方是我认为改质疑的，有些你说到了，有些没提，建议看看~。
个人觉得survey应该揪出来狠狠皮批！
总之，很不错。好像你才开始接触AW，这样已经很好了。想当初我开始写时，整篇模板。然后随便举例~唉。我太菜了。有什么不对，及时联系我啦。至于颜色么，我喜欢五颜六色，所以就有些乱了~包容下吧。呵呵。

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

谢谢亲爱哒水水~~~~~~~~~~~ 扑倒大BO~~~

>3< 蹭蹭蹭蹭蹭~~~ 我去改！ 辛苦了哈

tracywlzUID: 2522388

我的关于survey的建议先缓缓。听了caca的推荐+教导。我那个好像有点不对。
不好意思。

家家☆yoonjaeUID: 2646910

>3< 好^^ 辛苦水水了~ 我一会试着整理一下，今天还要把小D帮忙改的I给重写一下