[同主题temp]0910G同主题活动第一期－－ISSUE13 by 大恶花

大恶花UID: 2634551

The tower of Babel cracked down, cracked down the wonder of humanbeings as well . God is worried about humans as foolish , ignorant and aggressive ,  so is he now. As before , the gap between languages seperate the world , today, humanbeings are warning of overcommunicate.
The fact that languages are threatened by global trends nowadays  is existed, especially the minor languages which is not able to regenerate oneself .But what is suffering is that all people did not realize the crisis of language diminishing.How did this crisis occur? It's chanlleging and complicated.Admittedly ,the elimination of one language basically attribute to disuse.Disuse happened anytime anywhere . When a more efficient method born ,say hi-tech,the new generation would replace the former one .  Therefore , pragmatism , practism and profit is in our times always the creteria of putting one to use,the same with language.Globalization waves hit every corner of today's world , history of this world would united to one-world history.In underdeveloped countries ,ethnic groups ,the owner of the minor language , failed to resist the temptation of modern life and profits , and are addicted to the attractive world. When they found that only with the united language , thoughts and behaviors of the mainstream world could they earn a better life .Therefore, they give up what they have and start to embrace the new world. With one generation's effort could there be a large gap in the culture continuity. This is one of status quo. It is possible that with the influence of war invasion or some policies pressures ,language would also eliminate.
However, the protection and saving of lesser-known language is not on the agenda in time.People would say ,wouldn't the diminishing of those unpractical language is apt to the law of jungle?I would firstly point out that looking at other's trouble indifference is really different from experience personally.And the diminishing of one language is proved to be threatened for the existing cultural structure.Let's take ecosphere into consideration. When one species dies out ,the members in the same line of which would be more of less affected by the absence.In no dissimilar with "culturesphere", when the container of a certain culture that is the carrier of the whole history of all patterns of it disappeared, the cultual variety has been broken.Thus , we lose a kind of extremely precious resource of cultural heritage.We could never know what had happened in the history of the earth.And without  different ideas about our human beings ,it would be dangerous to drive all earth beings to develop in an unique way.
As to whether our governments should shoulder the largest responsibility to protect lesser-known language from eliminating , I stronly says "YES".Because when faced with such kind of target,only government can make efficient method to apply all its power to protect and save those non-material culture heritage,which is far more proper than individuals.And governments could take action in several ways such as education,laws and other regulations.For example ,goverment could invest to build bi-lingual language schools in propose to train the next generation with both mainstream language and their ethnic one.
In brief ,when we think clearly the importance of language protection and saving ,I belive everyone will soon devote himself or herself to this grand and hard stuggle.We may not see the triumph of this struggle but I believe no one of us is willing to exchange the place with other generations. And with the culture thrive ,all of us would enjoy a better future.

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

The tower of Babel cracked down, cracked down the wonder of humanbeings as well . God is worried about humans as foolish , ignorant and aggressive ,  so is he now. As before , the gap between languages seperate the world , today, humanbeings are warning of overcommunicate.
小说这么写可以，但这是AW，你的这段开头既没有提出核心论点也没有就题目相关内容进行简单阐述，有点不知所云，强烈建议仔细研读小组QQ群讨论纪录，我记得我曾经讲过开头的三种经典写法。

The fact that languages are threatened by global trends nowadays  is existed, especially the minor languages which is not able to regenerate oneself. But what is suffering is that all people did not realize the crisis of language diminishing. How did this crisis occur? It's chanlleging and complicated.Admittedly, the elimination of one language basically attribute to disuse.Disuse happened anytime anywhere . （说实话，我不知道你这句话什么意思，或许可以直接去掉）When a more efficient method born ,say hi-tech,the new generation would replace the former one .  Therefore , pragmatism , practism and profit is in our times always the creteria(criteria) of putting one to use, the same with language. Globalization waves hit every corner of today's world, history of this world would united to one-world history. In underdeveloped countries, ethnic groups, the owner (用speaker比较好) of the minor language , failed to resist the temptation of modern life and profits , and are addicted to the attractive world. When they found that only with the united language, thoughts and behaviors （我记得这两个名词是没有复数形式的吧？请明察）of the mainstream world could they earn a better life. Therefore, they choose to give up what they have and start to embrace the new world. With one generation's effort could there be a large gap in the culture continuity. This is one of status quo. It is possible that with the influence of war invasion or some policies pressures, language would also eliminate. 我不明白你要说什么意思，因此没法给你改这句，你是想说鉴于武力威胁和政策压力，语言不可能避免的要灭绝呢？还是要说尽管可以用这些强制手段保护语言，他们还是会同样灭绝？请恕我实在是无法猜透你要表述的意思。

However, the protection and saving of lesser-known language is not on the agenda in time. People would say ,wouldn't the diminishing of those unpractical language is apt to the law of jungle? I would firstly point out that looking at other's trouble indifference is really different from experience personally. And the diminishing of one language is proved to be threatened for the existing cultural structure. Let's take ecosphere into consideration. When one species dies out ,the members in the same line of which would be more of less affected by the absence. In no dissimilar with "culturesphere",（你又自造词） when the container of a certain culture that is the carrier of the whole history of all patterns of it disappeared, the cultual variety has been broken. Thus , we lose a kind of extremely precious resource of cultural heritage. We could never know what had happened in the history of the earth. And without  different ideas about our human beings, it would be dangerous to drive all earth beings to develop in an unique way.
这一段你出现了一个错误类比——大气层与你所描述的文化圈层是无法相提并论的，你并没有在后面进一步阐释这两者之间的相似性，就仓促地做出结论说without  different ideas about our human beings, it would be dangerous to drive all earth beings to develop in an unique way.这让人感觉很突兀，缺乏必要的逻辑推理和证据，请把这段的逻辑再理顺一下重新整理一下思路。

As to whether our governments should shoulder the largest responsibility to protect lesser-known language from eliminating , I stronly says "YES". Because when faced with such kind of target, only government can make efficient method to apply all its power to protect and save those non-material culture heritage, which is far more proper than individuals. And governments could take action in several ways such as education, laws and other regulations. For example, goverment could invest to build bi-lingual language schools in propose to train the next generation with both mainstream language and their ethnic one.

In brief, when we think clearly the importance of language protection and saving, I belive everyone will soon devote himself or herself to this grand and hard stuggle. We may not see the triumph of this struggle but I believe no one of us is willing to exchange the place with other generations. And with the culture thrive, all of us would enjoy a better future.
结尾处给我的感觉，好像回到了小学作文常用语的时代。

主要问题及建议
一、
先说黄色字体的问题，那些太过主观化的用词在Toefl写作中可以，但是在GRE中要尽量避免，第一人称和第二人称都要尽量避免出现，提倡使用第三人称进行指代，这个在今后写作中多注意。
二、
关于标点的注意事项：
1.每句话最后一个单词后面紧跟标点，此标点与下一个单词之间要空一格。
2.每段话结束后要空一行，再写下一段。每段首字顶格写。
3.破折号的输入方法是两个连续的减号， 破折号与前后单词之间，或都空一格，或都不空格紧跟单词。
三、
不要自造复合词，可以使用两个名词并列的形式表述你所要表达的新概念。另外，对于个别单词的使用可以更精确一些，不必追求难词，但至少基本词汇的使用要保证拼写和使用场景的规范性。
四、
逻辑，这是AW考核的精髓。你每个段落想要阐述的大方向没问题，但是提出每段分论点之后的进一步阐释、举例、归纳解释这些展开都没有充分进行。另外，个别逻辑关键词的使用依然比较混乱。

建议：
以北美范文为参考，先集中研读10篇Issue，可以针对要写的题目跟进参考，主要关注作者的行文框架和关键词以及过渡句子的使用。初期对issue没有感觉，可以参考<issue 5.5>这本书，会给你一个基本可供参照的架构去行文写作。每天坚持汉译英训练，并随时整理归纳自己的写作词汇库。

以上

大恶花UID: 2634551

2# iloveusa2009   大叔真效率！

大恶花UID: 2634551

其实ECOSPHERE 是生态圈
而THOUGHT 在表达思想 的时候的确是不可数

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

其实ECOSPHERE 是生态圈
而THOUGHT 在表达思想 的时候的确是不可数
大恶花 发表于 2009-7-11 07:28

就是生态圈跟你那个自造的文化圈的复合词之间的类比有点缺乏说服力，这两者之间缺乏可比性

czwkUID: 2662781

The tower of Babel cracked down, cracked down the wonder of humanbeings as well . God is worried about humans as foolish , ignorant and aggressive ,  so is he now（与主题无关）. As before , the gap between languages seperate the world , today, humanbeings are warning of overcommunicate.

The fact that languages are threatened by global trends nowadays  is existed（does exist）,( 注意句子的主语it is especially true regarding) the minor languages which is not able to regenerate oneself .But what is suffering is that all people did not realize the crisis of language diminishing.How did this crisis occur? It's chanlleging and complicated（complication 注意词性要一致， 最好说明一下，句子适当饱满一点）.Admittedly ,the elimination of one language basically attribute to disuse.Disuse happened anytime anywhere . When a more efficient method born ,say hi-tech,the new generation would replace the former one .  Therefore , pragmatism , practism and profit is in our times always the creteria of putting one to use,the same with language.Globalization waves hit every corner of today's world , history of this world would united to one-world history.In underdeveloped countries ,ethnic groups ,the owner of the minor language , failed to resist the temptation of modern life and profits , and are addicted to the attractive world. When they found that only with the united language , thoughts and behaviors of the mainstream world could they earn a better life .Therefore, they give up what they have and start to embrace the new world. With one generation's effort could there be a large gap in the culture continuity. This is one of status quo. It is possible that with the influence of war invasion or some policies pressures ,language would also eliminate.(可以根据最后一句话的战争的例子具体展开，不要停留在理念层面上大量阐述，思考得很辛苦，效果表达很差)
However, the protection and saving of lesser-known language is not on the agenda in time. （这是个现象，应该阐述分论点，比如……是个问题，政府应该解决） People would say ,wouldn't the diminishing of those unpractical language is apt to the law of jungle?I would firstly point out that looking at other's trouble indifference is really different from experience personally.（每个人都有自己的文化，都不是局外人巴）And the diminishing of one language is proved to be threatened for the existing cultural structure.Let's take ecosphere into consideration. When one species dies out ,the members in the same line （Food chain?）of which would be more of less affected by the absence. In no dissimilar with "culturesphere", when the container of a certain culture that is the carrier of the whole history of all patterns of it disappeared(好多 of, 指代不清), the cultual variety（diversity） has been broken.Thus , we lose a kind of extremely precious resource of cultural heritage.We could never know what had happened in the history of the earth. And without  different ideas about our human beings ,it would be dangerous to drive all earth beings to develop in an unique way.(最后把点落在文化上，应该要落在语言上)

As to whether our governments should shoulder the largest responsibility to protect lesser-known language from eliminating , I stronly says "YES".Because when faced with such kind of target,only government can make efficient method to apply all its power to protect and save those non-material culture heritage,which is far more proper than individuals(’ economic profit?这样比有意义么).And governments could take action in several ways （with several means是名词词性）such as education,laws and other regulations.For example ,goverment could invest to build bi-lingual language schools in propose to train the next generation with both mainstream language and their ethnic one.（只考虑了政府可以保护，但是政府还有其他的职责，政府保护可以起到预期的效果都没有考虑，没有驳的感觉，只是解释）

In brief ,when we think clearly the importance of language protection and saving ,I belive everyone will soon devote himself or herself to this grand and hard stuggle.（不应该是政府么）  We may not see the triumph of this struggle but I believe no one of us is willing to exchange the place with other generations. And with the culture thrive ,all of us would enjoy a better future.（如果最后一段在总结的基础上提升主体，说个人也应该努力才比较好，不然觉得和全文无关。）

综合建议：
首尾的写法可以借鉴模板（但是切忌抄袭）中间的论证缺乏具体的例子，集中在理念的探讨上，要注意收集例子。
此外，写作过程中要注意词性和主语的一致性，句子中的of 和定语太多了，过于冗长。相信你自己写的时候也会觉得不顺畅，花了很多时间巴。用简洁的语言，合理利用从句是比较好的解决办法。
文章要注意驳斥，而不是解释。要组织自己的论点和分论点。议论文少一点主动语态，Ｉ之类。
加油！

大恶花UID: 2634551

谢谢C君！

宝贵的意见收下~~喵喵