【辉太郎杀G大队】7/16 作业by hdsf2003

hdsf2003UID: 2351462

07-16---------------------------------------------
Issue 170

When taking about the surest indicator of a nation, we can find many aspects in our minds, such as culture, art, science and policy and so forth. The view is overgeneralized that the general welfare of the public stands for the indicator of a great nation rather than its achievement of the rulers, artists, or scientists. As for as I am concerned, both the general public welfare and the achievement reflect the characters of a great nation.

First of all, boosting the general welfare of all people is the basic aim of a nation and there is no exception for a great nation. When a country or a individual nation sets up, its responsibility is to take all feasible measurements to improve the life condition and economic development. The means such as laws is to make sure the equal right of a common citizen, especially when his/her benefit has been threaten. Tax policy is to aim to help public construction like roads and weather report stations. Hence, a great nation must be endeavoring to make sure the general welfare of all people no matter what policies it carries out.

In addition, the rulers are the social managers who can regulate the general welfare. Imagine the situation that there are no rulers in a country. Maybe the red light on road is always ignored by some people and some walkers are seriously injured because of the rude drivers. More severely, violent affairs often happen and no doctors would like to stay in hospitals for patients frequently grudge high fee of operations and refuse to pay. In that case, the society may be chaos and no one could lead a comfortable life. The importance of rulers has in fact been show that they regulate our behavior and make everything to find its right track. Only then can people talk about the general welfare.

Furthermore, the artists bring aesthetic enjoyment to a nation and exert profound influence on the public. When we indulge in the convenient life and its pleasures and have nothing to do, we can always find that artists have prepared mental enjoyment for us. At such times, music can be our friends and speak quietly beside us, a delicate paint can lead us to another charming world where the only thing we can do is to relax ourselves and enjoy the freedom. Violence and noisy in the city is far beyond us when we are in the world of art. To some extent, all negative impacts inducing by the aggressive emotion gives way to the general welfare in front of art, for we behave more intelligent after being influenced by the amazing art.

Last but not least, the scientists offer various advance techniques and skills to satisfy the increasing demand of a prosperous nation. The society can obtain a great improvement is just because of technique innovation. It seems clear that the place where poverty and hunger happens widely is a place where no new techniques are introduced. Only common people get what they demand such as clothes and meals can we say the general welfare has been ensured.

To sum up, only completely recognizing the importance and effect of achievements of social managers, art creators and technical innovators can we find they are all coming to a same goal that benefit all people of a nation. Therefore, we can safely conclude that the achievement and general welfare are both surest indicators for a great nation.


Argument 150

The arguer presents us a seemingly compelling conclusion that the global pollution of water and air haven been proved by the decline of amphibians worldwide. His statement is simply based on two studies of amphibians in Yosemite. Once we make a further analysis, it is easy to find several flaws in his reasoning.

First of all, no evidence confirms the decline is indeed caused by water pollution. Though it is the truth that species had reduced from seven to four, the study failed to mention all possibility of this phenomenon. Maybe some species compete with each other for resources and then die out. Perhaps there were some nature disasters which killed certain species. Even trout eat amphibian eggs which cause the extinction of some species, but it is totally another story from water pollution.

Furthermore, the studies in Yosemite may be obsolete. The arguer says nothing about when these two studies were carried out. The current situation may change a lot. The number of amphibians may have increased since 1992 despite some extinct species. Therefore, more study should been done before the arguer comes to a final conclusion.

In addition, only the study from Yosemite is not convincing for it cannot represent the actual situation of the whole world. Provided that the validity of two studies in Yosemite is reliable, the arguer fails to rule out the possibility that the number of amphibians rises in other national parks or other countries.
                                    
Finally, there is no evidence showing the correlation between amphibians decline and air quality. In the letter, we cannot find any information about air pollution. It is too hasty and even absurd to come to this conclusion. Hence, more data about the air pollution is needed to prove the conclusion

To sum up, the arguer provides us an unwarranted conclusion from two studies in Yosemite. To bolster his statement, he has to do further work as follow: finding out some other factors of the amphibian decline and doing more study about the current amphibian number in Yosemite; collecting more data about the amphibian number change from various other places; offering detailed information about worldwide air pollution.

AliciaSunUID: 2660743

1# hdsf2003

对不起阿今天批评多了一点，不要介意。。。赞成的就接受不赞成的就讨论~~

07-16---------------------------------------------
Issue 170

When taking about the surest indicator of a nation, we can find many aspects(aspects？inspiration about aspects?因为我觉得aspects,像文化，艺术这些东西并不是在人的脑子里，所以find的宾语不太对) in our minds, such as culture, art, science and(如果后面有and so forth了那么这个ａｎｄ就要去掉) policy and so forth. The view is overgeneralized that the general welfare of the public stands for the indicator of a great nation rather than its achievement of the rulers, artists, or scientists. As for as I am concerned, both the general public welfare and the achievement reflect the characters of a great nation.

First of all, boosting the general welfare of all people is the basic aim of a nation and there is no exception for a great nation. When a country or a individual nation（这里你是要说　a single nation么？我觉得individual只能指个人吧，并不是单个的意思，我查了有道找不到类似的用法，晚上回去翻翻ｍ－ｗ再来跟你讨论这个问题） sets up, its responsibility is to take all feasible measurements（measure, not measurement, 后者是指尺寸，ｎｏｔ　方法措施） to improve the life condition and economic development. The means such as laws is to make sure the equal right of a common citizen（一个人的平等权利？还是所有人的平等权利？平等是要有个对比对象的）, especially when his/her benefit has been threaten. Tax policy is to aim to help public construction like roads and weather report stations.（这个例子本身没有问题，但是，ｔａｘ是福利么？我没个月恨不得不缴税给政府，ｗｅｌｆａｒｅ是指可以得到的那些。要不你就这样写，Construction programs like roads and weather report stations,　bolstered by the tax law,
are established to make sure all the people of this nation have better transportation conditions. 这样就把重点落在ｗｅｌｆａｒｅ上面了，而不是ｔａｘ。一个是结果，一个是手段。） Hence, a great nation must be endeavoring
(用法很好，学习一下，以前不知道ｅｎｄｅａｖｏｒ可以这么用，我查了字典，你用的是对的。)to make sure（我上面也是这么写的，可以我发现ｅｎｓｕｒｅ／ｇｒａｎｔｅｅ更书面。。） the general welfare of all people no matter what policies it carries out. （这里似乎掉进了另一个陷阱，像我们前几天写的题目那样子，达到目标，手段都正确，ｎｏ　ｍａｔｔｅｒ太绝对了）

In addition, the rulers are the social managers who can regulate the general welfare. Imagine the situation that there are no rulers in a country. Maybe the red light on road is always ignored by some people and some walkers are seriously injured because of the rude drivers. More severely, violent affairs often happen and no doctors would like to stay in hospitals for patients frequently grudge high fee of operations and refuse to pay. In that case, the society may be chaos and no one could lead a comfortable life. The importance of rulers has in fact been show that they regulate our behavior and make everything to find its right track. Only then can people talk about the general welfare.
（ｏｋ，你这段的推理很正确，但是跟题目的关系，我完全找不到了。题目是说，the relationship between either achievements or welfare to the indicator of a nation. 可是这一段说，ＲＵＬＥＲ能确保福利，题目是要求，Ａ或者Ｂ对Ｃ的关系，那么Ａ和Ｂ的关系其实没有人ＣＡＲＥ对吧？或者你做个延伸，你就说Thus, as another support towards the welfare, the achievements of rulers can also constitute a great nation,会不会好一点？）


Furthermore, the artists bring aesthetic enjoyment to a nation and exert profound influence on the public.（开头很妙，你看你这里就写出了ａｃｈｉｅｖｅｍｅｎｔ和ｎａｔｉｏｎ的关系，而不是ａｃｈｉｅｖｅｍｅｎｔｓ和ｗｅｌｆａｒｅ的关系，我们都是在有限的时间里面写作文的，我们能表达的主旨只有一个，所以一定要立场坚定哦！）
When we indulge in the convenient life and its pleasures and have nothing to do（这句话，没有什么问题，可是会不会觉得不够漂亮？　When we indulge in the pleasures of the convenient life and enjoy the leisure time,）, we can always find that artists have prepared mental enjoyment for us. At such times(times复数只能表示次数，ｍｏｍｅｎｔｓ), music can be(be 不是这么用的。。。ｗｏｒｋ也比ｂｅ好，或者用的更好一点，我想不到了，。。play as? Act as?） our friends and speak quietly beside us, a delicate paint can lead us to another charming world where the only thing we can do(we can do 和我ｎｅｅｄ　ｄｏ　一个是被动关系，一个是主动关系，我觉得ｎｅｅｄ更好) is to relax ourselves and enjoy the freedom（这个词好大，leisure）. Violence and noisy in the city is far beyond(from not beyond) us when we are in the world of art. To some extent, all negative impacts inducing by the aggressive emotion gives way to the general welfare in front of art, for we behave more intelligent after being influenced by the amazing art(?????????????????????why??我看晕了对不起，因为艺术的种种正面性，所以所有的犯罪给社会福利让路？这个逻辑不正确吧？这一段的例子很好，可是有点偏了，你强调了艺术成就带给人们的愉悦感受，那么进一步呢？人们艺术品位好了，整体就远离了暴力和喧嚣，然后进一步呢？就会带给社会更好的氛围和提高整个国家的素质，让这个国家更ｇｒｅａｔ，这个逻辑会不会更好一点呢？)

Last but not least, the scientists offer various advance techniques and skills to satisfy the increasing demand of a prosperous（很棒的词！哪里学来的，我怎么就没想到，５５） nation. The society can obtain a great improvement is just（这个词是干吗的．．．） because of technique innovation. It seems clear that the place where poverty and hunger happens widely is a place where no new techniques are introduced. Only common people get what they demand such as clothes and meals can we say the general welfare has been ensured.
（不好意思啊，，我又来批判逻辑了，，，很多地方贫穷和饥饿，不是因为没有新技术，是因为战争和其他。不是说引进了新技术，社会就好了，就算是这样哦，人们得到了衣服，食物，可能是因为他们自己的辛苦工作，而不是全社会的福利。。

To sum up, only completely recognizing the importance and effect of achievements of social managers, art creators and technical innovators can we find they are all coming to a same goal that benefit all people of a nation. Therefore, we can safely conclude that the achievement and general welfare are both surest indicators for a great nation.

General comments:hdsf你的作文一直以来的优点就是推理很清楚，你是学工科的吧？赞一个。这篇文章也是一样，上下句前后段之间的关系非常紧凑。但是可能是我理解的问题，就像你最后说的achievement and general welfare are both．．．这就是说这两个是并列的关系对么，而不是因果关系，所以会让读者迷惑的。加油！



Argument 150

The arguer presents us a seemingly compelling conclusion that the global pollution of water and air haven been proved by the decline of amphibians worldwide. His statement is simply based on two studies of amphibians in Yosemite. Once we make a further analysis, it is easy to find several flaws in his reasoning.

First of all, no evidence confirms the decline is indeed caused by water pollution. Though it is the truth that species had reduced from seven to four, the study failed to mention all possibility of this phenomenon. Maybe some species compete with each other for resources and then die out. Perhaps there were some nature disasters which killed certain species. Even trout eat amphibian eggs which cause the extinction of some species, but it is totally another story from water pollution.（强烈的赞！咋想出来的呢，，，会啥我的ａ写得这么不好呢，，我总是找不出来原因）

Furthermore, the studies in Yosemite may be obsolete. The arguer says nothing about when these two studies were carried out. The current situation may change a lot. The number of amphibians may have increased since 1992 despite some extinct species. Therefore, more study should been done before the arguer comes to a final conclusion.

In addition, only the study from Yosemite is not convincing for it cannot represent the actual situation of the whole world. Provided that the validity of two studies in Yosemite is reliable, the arguer fails to rule out the possibility that the number of amphibians rises in other national parks or other countries.


Finally, there is no evidence showing the correlation between amphibians decline and air quality. In the letter, we cannot find any information about air pollution. It is too hasty and even absurd to come to this conclusion. Hence, more data about the air pollution is needed to prove the conclusion

To sum up, the arguer provides us an unwarranted conclusion from two studies in Yosemite. To bolster his statement, he has to do further work as follow: finding out some other factors of the amphibian decline and doing more study about the current amphibian number in Yosemite; collecting more data about the amphibian number change from various other places; offering detailed information about worldwide air pollution.

General comments: A没啥问题，推理是你的强项，可是字数有点少啦！加油哦

hdsf2003UID: 2351462

AliciaSun

你给的意见我逐一看过来，发现你每一句都是刺中文章的要害， 我写完就觉得有些地方不对劲，可是人太笨，不知道怎么改，关于艺术的那一段，你给出了一个很好的思路，是文章从死胡同中走了出来，非常棒的思维转换，这一点，你总比我强好多好多。所以我的字数总上不去，就是因为思维没有跟上。

文章组织上， 确实存在你说的关系模糊问题，明明是并列关系，我却把他们往一个方向推，其实a great nation可以很好充当这个并列的桥梁。。。。看来我的审题、和文章结构组织都还要下功夫。

还有很多词语的准确性，你都一一点出来，让我冒身冷汗，因为平时没有注意这些，再次感谢你的悉心修改。。。。