Argument56【Triple Week】第3次练习by ahng

ahngUID: 2605383

TOPIC: ARGUMENT56 - Collectors prize the ancient life-size clay statues of human figures made on Kali Island but have long wondered how the Kalinese artists were able to depict bodies with such realistic precision. Since archeologists have recently discovered molds of human heads and hands on Kali, we can now conclude that the ancient Kalinese artists used molds of actual bodies, not sculpting tools and techniques, to create these statues. This discovery explains why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and entirely different in style: molds could only be used for life-size sculptures. It also explains why few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found. In light of this development, collectors should expect the life-size sculptures to decrease in value and the miniatures to increase in value.
WORDS: 527          TIME: 00:45:49          DATE: 2009-7-16 22:42:28

Based on the fact that many molds of heads and hands are found in Kali and the life-size statues of human figures are able to depict bodies with realistic precision, the author, by deducing that the molds are used to made the life-size statues, hastily concludes that the life-size sculptures should be expected to decrease and the miniatures to increase in value. With careful examination, the argument turns out to be unconvincing in some respects, which will be presented below.

In the first place, the author fails to provide any evidence to substantiate the assumption that the molds of heads and hands discovered on Kali were exactly used by the Kalinese archeologists to create the ancient life-size clay statues. Perhaps, the molds are brought to Kali by people from other places, which indicates the possiblity that the molds are used by other artists instead of Kalinese artists. Or perhaps, the molds are not made in order to create the sculptures. For example, the molds mentioned in the argument might also be used by the doctors to study the structures of human bodies. What's more, even if it is used for sculptures, it is not possible that all the life-size statues are made from these molds. Likely, they are just a method of making statues in some certain times.

In the second place, even though the discovery could be the proof that the life-size statues are made by using those molds, the author also fails to rule out other possiblities that can explain the reason why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and totally different in style. If the artists who want their work or sculptures to be much similar to the real identities, it is more probable for them to create these statues with the size that is same with the real persons, in accordance with the local description of the statues also similar to the reality. On the contrary, the artists loving to make miniatures, might be more likely to place more attention on the spiritual connotation of their works instead of the similarity. In this case, the phenomenon can also be explained.

Last but not the least, despite the life-size sculptures are created by that kind of molds, there is no reason provided to support the suggestion that the value of life-size sculptures should decrease and that of the miniatures increase. As we all know, the price of a certain product or work is mostly determined by its supply and demand. That is to say, considering that the buyers who love the life-size sculptures more, are standing in front of the two types of works, is there any chance for them to choose the miniatures? Definitely not! And then, the sellers would probably raise up the price of the work which is demanded the most, which would probably lead to the increment of their profits. In short, the conclusion is unwarranted.

To sum up, the author makes the conclusion without thoroughful consideration. To bolster the idea, the arguer should rule out possibilites by presenting more evidences. And to better assess the argument, i would need more information about the source of the molds found in Kali.

david36355UID: 2603992

TOPIC: ARGUMENT56 - Collectors prize the ancient life-size clay statues of human figures made on Kali Island but have long wondered how the Kalinese artists were able to depict bodies with such realistic precision. Since archeologists have recently discovered molds of human heads and hands on Kali, we can now conclude that the ancient Kalinese artists used molds of actual bodies, not sculpting tools and techniques, to create these statues. This discovery explains why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and entirely different in style: molds could only be used for life-size sculptures. It also explains why few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found. In light of this development, collectors should expect the life-size sculptures to decrease in value and the miniatures to increase in value.
WORDS: 527          TIME: 00:45:49          DATE: 2009-7-16 22:42:28

Based on the fact that many molds of heads and hands are found in Kali and the life-size statues of human figures are able to depict bodies with realistic precision, （复述得挺好的……）the author, by deducing that the molds are used to made the life-size statues, hastily concludes that the life-size sculptures should be expected to decrease and the miniatures to increase in value. With careful examination, the argument turns out to be unconvincing in some aspects, which will be presented below.
（开头不错……不光复述了原文中的观点，而且还把逻辑关系理得很清楚）
In the first place, the author fails to provide any evidence to substantiate the assumption that the molds of heads and hands discovered on Kali were exactly used by the Kalinese archeologists to create the ancient life-size clay statues.（稍微有点儿罗嗦……虽然TS要给出明确的段落定义，但是或许在这里可以把文字简练化。比如从模板文字下手，如no evidence showed the molds were merely for depicting the life-size statues by native artists）Perhaps, the molds are brought to Kali by people from other places, which indicates the possiblity that the molds are used by other artists instead of Kalinese artists. Or perhaps, the molds were not made in order to create the sculptures, for the molds mentioned in the argument might also be used by the doctors to study the structures of human bodies. (并在一句话，条理会更加清楚一点儿吧～)What's more, even if it is used for sculptures, it is not possible（不是not possible 而是 possible not吧……） that all the life-size statues were made from these molds. Likely,（不要用这个开句子头儿）they were just a method of making statues in some certain（用一个就好了） period.
或许这一段里面的所有论据都可以把顺序整理一下，有着更加清楚的逻辑链条。虽然我也不是很清楚，但是倘若这一段里举出的三个例证能够以某种逻辑为依托来按顺序阐明，那么会很精彩
In the second place, even though the discovery could be the proof that the life-size statues were made by using those molds,（这半句可以不用提，因为和下面的半句没有necessary link） the author also fails to rule out other（其实没有任何other可言对吧= =） possiblities that can explain the reason why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and totally different in style. If the artists who want their work or sculptures to be much similar to the real identities, it is more probable for them to create these statues with the size that is same with the real persons, in accordance with the local description of the statues also similar to the reality. （说实话，这句话很……磨叽。而且才疏学浅，没弄明白啥意思，也没有明白和miniature有着什么联系）On the contrary, the artists` loving to make miniatures, might be more likely to place more attention on the spiritual connotation of their works instead of the similarity. In this case, the phenomenon can also be explained.
= =这一段里头……你累了吧。中间一个大长句子有点儿囧
Last but not the least, despite the life-size sculptures are created by that kind of molds,（不要承认呀，用despite干啥） there is no reason（evidence） provided to support the suggestion that the value of life-size sculptures should decrease and that of the miniatures increase. As we all know, the price of a certain product or work is mostly determined by its supply and demand. （嗯，价格受供求决定）That is to say, considering that the buyers who love the life-size sculptures more, are standing in front of the two types of works, is there any chance for them to choose the miniatures? Definitely not! （= =囧。这句话……从头到尾都很雷。喜欢大雕像的人凭啥不能两样儿都买呢，这句话和上头的供求关系有啥联系呢，这里为啥语气突然就娇蛮了呢，花这么多话说这个有啥意义呢）And then, the sellers would probably raise up the price of the work which is demanded the most, which would probably lead to the increment of their profits. In short, the conclusion is unwarranted.（嘛。调换一下视角吧，假如你是一个喜欢小雕像的人，看到这个推导过程是不是会抓狂。假如喜欢小雕像的人远多于相反者，那么这个推导是不是就完蛋了呀）

To sum up, the author makes the conclusion without thoroughful consideration. To bolster the idea, the arguer should rule out possibilites by presenting more evidences. （都啥possibility啥evidence……）And to better assess the argument, i would need more information about the source of the molds found in Kali.
（个人感觉应该加以丰满，其重要性实话说不亚于开头儿。都没限时，只是因为最后有点儿累了就这样儿，不大好呀）

总。有虎头蛇尾之嫌。论证逻辑很清楚，只是内部逻辑要是再以比较强的方式体现在文章中，那就更好了。所谓的体现，大概就是在每句话之间考虑下逻辑关系，该加关键词就加，总体和部分要是都能服从某逻辑顺序那是最好了。
语言么……没有大问题，不过实话说出彩的地方也很欠乏。加油吧= =


真抱歉现在才给你传上来……表打我。

david36355UID: 2603992

= =传个带颜色的………………

david36355UID: 2603992

= =突然发现一件很囧的事儿………………我应该改的不是你的文章呀…………………………………


捶墙去了…………请WS掉吧……阿门。

423165179UID: 2649312

4# david36355


ARGUMENT56 - Collectors prize the ancient life-size clay statues of human figures made on Kali Island but have long wondered how the Kalinese artists were able to depict bodies with such realistic precision. Since archeologists have recently discovered molds of human heads and hands on Kali, we can now conclude that the ancient Kalinese artists used molds of actual bodies, not sculpting tools and techniques, to create these statues. This discovery explains why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and entirely different in style: molds could only be used for life-size sculptures. It also explains why few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found. In light of this development, collectors should expect the life-size sculptures to decrease in value and the miniatures to increase in value.WORDS: 527          TIME: 00:45:49          DATE: 2009-7-16 22:42:28

Based on the fact that many molds of heads and hands are found in Kali and the life-size statues of human figures are able to depict bodies with realistic precision, the author, by deducing that the molds are used to made the life-size statues, hastily concludes that the life-size sculptures should be expected to decrease and the miniatures to increase in value. With careful examination, the argument turns out to be unconvincing in some respects, which will be presented below.（这一段很清晰，但我的意见是能不能稍微压缩一下）
In the first place, the author fails to provide any evidence to substantiate the assumption（这个句型好） that the molds of heads and hands discovered on Kali were exactly used by the Kalinese archeologists（？） to create the ancient life-size clay statues. Perhaps, the molds are brought to Kali by people from other places, which indicates the possiblity that the molds are used by other artists instead of Kalinese artists. Or perhaps, the molds are not made in order to create the sculptures. For example, the molds mentioned in the argument might also be used by the doctors to study the structures of human bodies. What's more, even if it is used for sculptures, it is not possible(两词换位子) that all the life-size statues are made from these molds. Likely, they are just a method of making statues in some certain times（periods是不是更好？）.

In the second place, even though the discovery could be the proof that the life-size statues are made by using those molds,（这个观点完善一下成一句） the author also fails to rule out other possiblities that can explain the reason why Kalinese miniature statues were abstract and totally different in style. If the artists who want their work or sculptures to be much similar to the real identities, it is more probable for them to create these statues with the size that is same with the real persons, in accordance with the local description of the statues also similar to the reality. On the contrary, the artists loving to make miniatures, might be more likely to place more attention on the spiritual connotation of their works instead of the similarity. In this case, the phenomenon can also be explained.（这一段观点好）

Last but not the least, despite the life-size sculptures are created by that kind of molds（这一句？）, there is no reason provided to support the suggestion that the value of life-size sculptures should（will这不是人类主观让它咋样就咋样的吧） decrease and that of the miniatures increase. As we all know, the price of a certain product or work is mostly determined by its supply and demand. That is to say, considering that the buyers who love the life-size sculptures more, are standing in front of the two types of works, is there any chance for them to choose the miniatures? Definitely not! And then, the sellers would probably raise up（去掉） the price of the work which is demanded the most, which would probably lead to the increment of their profits. In short, the conclusion is unwarranted.

To sum up, the author makes the conclusion without thoroughful consideration. To bolster the idea, the arguer should rule out possibilites by presenting more evidences. And to better assess the argument, i would need more information about the source of the molds found in Kali.

总体思路清晰，语言也还过得去。
结尾段完善改进方法就好。当然啦个人喜欢简练的开头和结尾~要是用简练语言概括改进方法就好啦
还有对于even if 的使用，我看到太傻还是哪上一篇文说，even if 只能以作者已在题目思维链中明确提到的假设作假设，不能自己的理解作假设，否则就是自己的观点后否前，balabala~具体我也不太懂，但是建议如果没有十成把握不总用让步法，虽然它很流行

423165179UID: 2649312

4# david36355


PS：上面那位真的很勤劳~表扬表扬~改的也很认真很好，我自愧不如，本都不想改了，想想还是再写上拙见好了。一点参考……

ahngUID: 2605383

恩，谢谢楼上两位了～～:)