TOEFL暑假集结号作文第3次作业 by DK

DriftKingUID: 2664045

It is better for students at university or in college to choose difficult classes even if they cannot get top grades

1、观点赞成，对个人对社会都好
2、对个人好，发挥出个人的优势
3、对社会好，相对于通才，我们更需要专才
4、好啊

It is lucky for students who can choose the hard course to take freely even though it is difficult to get a high credit, for reasons that they can study more efficient, what is more, this way is good for our society's development.



At the very beginning, students who can choose the courses which are interesting or even difficult for them freely is a better way to cultivate themselves than those who can not. For example, Mathematics and Engineering are harder to study than language sometimes, because there are a lot of formulas which should be understood, remembered and applied in the real life flexibly. However, there are a lot of student choose to study them for reasons that these are the students' interest, so they can learn more deeply than what they do not like. Consider one of these people to study language, they might hate it and get even lower grades than their major.


As the same topic comes to our society, the respond is also positive. We do not always need too much generalist such as Obama who is good at law, politic, communication etc in one special area, but much more specialists are needed to develop our world. We need the persons who are adept in computer to speed up our efficiency, because they can let us works more and more convenient; we need more lawyers to make our society more justice; we need a lot of merchants to promote the development of the economic. Obviously, this situation can come true through let the students at university to choose the classes what they preferred even though it is hard to get top grades.


Above all, no matter for the individuals or even for the whole world, it is intelligent to let the students to study what they are interest in. If some of these classes are really cannot to get to the peak, we can try some solutions such as reduce the difficulties(降低难度这么说地道吗) of these class to solve it and let the people to compete equally.

MVTUID: 2588209

It is better for students at university or in college to choose difficult classes even if they cannot get top grades.
1、观点赞成，对个人对社会都好
2、对个人好，发挥出个人的优势
3、对社会好，相对于通才，我们更需要专才
4、好啊
批改说明：
1. 红色: 不太合适的地方；
2. 蓝色: 值得学习的地方；
3. 淡紫: (my comment).

It is lucky for students who can choose the hard course to take(can be deleted because "take" has the same meaning as choose) freely even though it is difficult to get a high credit(credit means recognition by a school or college that a student has fulfilled a requirement leading to a degree, 这个词换用得不好，建议使用Score), for reasons that they can study more efficient, what is more, this way is good for our society's development.(首段观点明确、直接，没有多余的废话，赞一个！赞成观点：1. study more efficient; 2. good for social development. 只是觉得一句话有点长，for reasons后面重新开一句会不会好点？)

At the very beginning, students who can choose the courses which are interesting(我总觉得用长句不是很好，拗口，从句有点多，能否合并成their interest courses) or even difficult for them freely is(你看，这儿就出现语法问题了，主语应该是students，和这儿的is better way语法不搭配，作者应该是想表达The freedom to choose one's favorite courses, even difficult, is a better way for a student's self-development/self-fulfillment.) a better way to cultivate themselves than those who can not(思路很好，能看懂你的意思，但你没表达好。这句话太长，你抓的亮点太多: choose freely, intereting/ difficult courses, compare the students 一句话不容易表述清楚). For example, Mathematics and Engineering are harder to study than language sometimes, because there are a lot of formulas which should be understood, remembered and applied in the real life flexibly. However, there are a lot of student choose to study them for reasons that these are the students' interest, so they can learn more deeply than what they do not like. Consider one of these people to study language, they might hate it and get even lower grades than their major.(本段观点：自由选择能够激发兴趣，否则会有很大负面作用)

As the same topic comes to our society, the respond is also positive. We do not always need too much generalist such as Obama who is good at law, politic, communication etc in one special area, but much more specialists are needed to develop our world. We need the persons who are adept in computer to speed up our efficiency, because they can let us works more and more convenient; we need more lawyers to make our society more justice; we need a lot of merchants to promote the development of the economic. Obviously, this situation can come true through let the students at university to choose the classes what they preferred even though it is hard to get top grades.(本段观点：选择难课程对社会发展有积极意义。programmer, lawyer, merchant排比论证专才的作用，很有说服力，只是能在最后稍微把选择课程和专才的形成之间的关系多说一点就更完美了。)

Above all(这个放在最后一段有点怪，all in all), no matter for the individuals or even for the whole world, it is intelligent to let the students to study what they are interest in(不要改变topic的核心difficult classes, not interests). If some of these classes are really cannot to get to the peak(what do you mean here?), we can try some solutions such as reduce the difficulties(降低难度这么说地道吗(我认为可以这么用)) of these class to solve it and let the people to compete equally(作者又引出了一个新的issue: how to gain an equal study.).(结论：赞成题目。但是我认为这个结论不好，因为没有紧紧扣题，相反在最后又导出了新的论题: 课程公平问题。这样对文章不利，越说越多。)

COMMENTS:
1. 作者语言基础不错，但是不能用长难句、过多的从句来表达；
2. 文章思路明确，立论构思清晰；
3. 分论点多采用正反论证，说服力强，只是建议论证再做说得透彻一点。
一家之言，多多包涵！加油！

文赋UID: 2611067

It is better for students at university or in college to choose difficult classes even if they cannot get top grades

1、观点赞成，对个人对社会都好
2、对个人好，发挥出个人的优势
3、对社会好，相对于 ...

It is lucky for students who can choose thehard course to take freely even though it is difficult to get a high score, for reasons that they can study more efficient,what is more, this way is good for our society's development.

At the very beginning, students who canchoose the courses which are interesting or even difficult for them freely are abetter way to cultivate themselves than those who cannot. （开头说论点，不必这么复杂的句子，顶多用一丛句一主句就足够足够了） For example, Mathematics and Engineering are harder to study thanlanguage sometimes, because there are a lot of formulas which should beunderstood, remembered and applied in the real life flexibly. However, thereare a lot of student choose to study them for reasons that these are thestudents' interest, so they can learn more deeply than what they do not like. Consider one of these people to study language, they mighthate it and get even lower grades than their major.从逻辑上将这句话有点危险，因为你暗示language不是他们的interest，但没说是不是hard courses，已经有偏离题目的趋势了，甚至可以用来证明：选难的课程就只能得低分算了。换句话说，这是在偷换概念。但问题是，托福作文可能要求没这么高，正如我给MVT说的一样。所以，建议自己掂量一下这个分论点。

As the same topic comes to our society, therespond is also positive. We do not always need too much generalist such asObama who is good at law, politic, communication etc（一般正式写作，可以省略 etc，and so on之类） in onespecial area, but much more specialists are needed to develop our world. Weneed the persons who are adept in computer to speed up our efficiency, becausethey can let us works more and more convenient; we needmore lawyers to make our society more justice; we need(排比句，相同成分宜省略，但是话说，被排比的成分不宜太长) a lot of merchants to promote—stimulate(建议替换，也可以无视) the development of the economic.Obviously, this situation can come true through let the students at universityto choose the classes what they preferred even though it is hard to get topgrades. 可以考虑加强难的课程和专才的关系，一句话就行，没有的话，就显得突兀。

Above all, no matter for the individuals oreven for the whole world, it is intelligent（这样做是聪明的，意思表达了，但是我质疑intelligent可以做it的表语么？） to letthe students to study what they are interest in. If some of these classes arereally cannot to get to the peak, we can try some solutions such as reduce thedifficulties of these class to solve it and let the people to compete equally. 同意MVT的意见，最后一段跑题了。

我觉的你列提纲是犯了个错误，然后影响你的最后一段了。
提纲只要列出主体部分的内容就行了，你最后来了个：4. 好啊，然后第四段按这个去写，而不是总结全文，重申主论点。那就自然跑题了。

DriftKing 发表于 2009-7-18 16:53

jiang08UID: 2391146

大概看了一下，同意LS说得第四段的问题。除此之外，还有些其他问题：
首先，试图用一句话总结你的两个论点，但是要比“对个人好”这样更具体，好在哪里？根据你的第2段，貌似是好在学生可以选择自己感兴趣的课程钻研？如果是的话（或者不是的话你自己总结一下），要在这段开头写出来，而不要笼统地用cultivate。而这段末尾，你似乎是在说“应该选择感兴趣的课程”，而不是“难的课程”，小跑。
下一段，首先要说明，为什么“选择难得课程”=“培养专才”？这个环节没有说，这段就相当于跑题了（因为你在论证专才和通才，而不是难得课和容易拿高分的课）。另外obama这个例子最好还是避免，政治人物很多都是全面发展的人才，而你自己也说了好几个领域。