TOEFL集结号 暑假集中突破 第六次作文作业 by DK

DriftKingUID: 2664045

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do

1、科技和经济的发展，人们有更多的时间支配，看起来花在寻欢作乐的时间比工作的时间多，但我认为这是不对的
2、科技经济确实让我们有更多的方式娱乐，有些甚至让某些人沉迷，看起来我们花了更多的时间在娱乐上
3、但其实不是的,和过去人相比，我们都是8小时工作制，而且因为先进的工具，我们的效率更高，所以工作量更大。
4、更进一步说，现在加班很常见。很多人常常要到晚上才能回家，忙了一年才换来了1星期的豪华游，殊不知，那是牺牲了至少1个月的假期换来的
5、总结
As the development of technology and economic, people have more choices to enjoy themselves than ever before which let some people recognize that human being spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than things they should do. But I think this idea is not right.

Obviously, the advanced technology and economic development give us more opportunities to enjoy ourselves. For example, few people can visit US for reasons that people have not enough money to pay for the journey, what is more, people have to suffer the dangerous way in the sea for several months before they land on the Continent in the past. But now we can visit US by plane which is much cheaper and safer than ever before. Furthermore, there are more and more ways people could enjoy themselves, such as computer game which let a lot of people addict in it. It looks like people spend a lot of time in the individual enjoyment than the work which they should do.

However, for most of us, we are working as long as the people in the past. People in these two periods are all work 8 hours a day. Moreover, advanced technology let us work more efficient. Internet let us find more information in a shorter time than the past time, the method of product line help us to make more manufactures in the same time. After all, people now can finish much more work and fell more tired than the ones lived in the past at the same time.

What is more, a lot of people also spend their leisure time on work. Because of the heavy work that boss assigned, sometimes they can not be finished on time in a day. These employees have to work longer which let them go home at night. After a whole year's hard work, there are only a 7 days vacation for him/her which is exchanged his/her at least 1 month's spare time.

As all of the evidence I have talked above, people have not spend too much time on personal entertainment in stead of the things they should do. The happily time people spend in their spare time is just a phenomenon which has been used to cover their hard work, so we can conclude that people cost lots of time on the things they should do.

Amber0926UID: 2555355

As the development of technology and economic, people have more choices to enjoy themselves than ever before which let some people recognize that human being（人类？听起来别扭不？呵呵） spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than things they should do. But I think this idea is not right.

Obviously, the advanced technology and economic development give us more opportunities to enjoy ourselves. For example, few people can visit US for reasons that people （改为they，与前面主语重复）have not enough money to pay for the journey, what is more, people have to suffer the dangerous way in the sea for several months before they land on the Continent in the past.（这句是个长句，建议主语一直时多用代词，并且 多用从句一次避免run-on错误）But now we can visit US by plane which is much cheaper and safer than ever before. Furthermore, there are more and more ways people could enjoy themselves, such as computer game which let a lot of people addict in it. It looks like people spend a lot of time in the individual enjoyment than the work which they should do.

However, for most of us, we are working as long as the people in the past. People in these two periods are all work 8 hours a day. Moreover, advanced technology let us work more efficient. Internet （let改为assit） us find more information in a shorter time than the past time, （要加连词，要不前面句子就该为句号，否则是错误句型）the method of product line help us to make more manufactures in the same time. After all, people now can finish much more work and fell more tired than the ones lived in the past at the same time.（此句可省略，直接改为before)

What is more, a lot of people also spend their leisure time on work. Because of the heavy work that boss assigned, sometimes they can not be finished on time in a day. These employees have to work longer which let them go home at night. After a whole year's hard work, there are only a （多余咯）7 days vacation for him/her which is exchanged his/her at least 1 month's spare time.

As all of the evidence I have talked above, people have not spend too much time on personal entertainment in stead of the things they should do. The happily time people spend in their spare time is just a phenomenon which has been used to cover their hard work, so we can conclude that people cost lots of time on the things they should do.

总的来看，我觉得内容上有点问题。首先你是不同意这种说法，那么你的观点要即使有even though 的叙述，也要很轻描淡写来为你的观点服务。在段落前后一定要强调，这样ets才会看着爽，咱们才能高分嘛。
2.3段的观点就很模糊，4还不错，建议后面强调出people并非只玩不做事it just illusion！

总的来看语法上没多大的错误，但是会写run-on sentence，切忌：一个句子，一主语一谓语，否则就句号货加连接词！加油！

对了，谢谢你给我的指正，评改的很仔细。其中relax 不可以和pressure用吗？relieve stress应该没问题，前面那个我也不清楚

MVTUID: 2588209

回复： 1# DriftKing

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do
1、科技和经济的发展，人们有更多的时间支配，看起来花在寻欢作乐的时间比工作的时间多，但我认为这是不对的
2、科技经济确实让我们有更多的方式娱乐，有些甚至让某些人沉迷，看起来我们花了更多的时间在娱乐上
3、但其实不是的,和过去人相比，我们都是8小时工作制，而且因为先进的工具，我们的效率更高，所以工作量更大。
4、更进一步说，现在加班很常见。很多人常常要到晚上才能回家，忙了一年才换来了1星期的豪华游，殊不知，那是牺牲了至少1个月的假期换来的
5、总结
批改说明：
1. 红色: 不太合适的地方；
2. 蓝色: 值得学习的地方；
3. 淡紫: (my comment).

As the development of technology and economic(economy), people have more choices to enjoy themselves than ever before which let some people recognize that human being spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than things they should do(再开一句好吗，艮仔？). But I think this idea is not right.(明确观点：不同意)

Obviously, the advanced technology and economic development give us more opportunities to enjoy ourselves. For example, few people can visit US for reasons that people have not enough money to pay for the journey, what is more, people have to suffer the dangerous way in the sea for several months before they land on the Continent in the past. But now we can visit US by plane which is much cheaper and safer than ever before. Furthermore, there are more and more ways people could enjoy themselves, such as computer game which let a lot of people addict in it(前面讲得挺好，这儿用了的addict感觉意思褒贬意想反了，这个词应该是用来描述批判的。). It looks like people spend a lot of time in the individual enjoyment than the work which they should do.(让步的一段：科技给人们创造了更多的个人时间等)

However, for most of us, we are working as long as the people in the past. People in these two periods are all work 8 hours a day. Moreover, advanced technology let us work more efficient. Internet let us find more information in a shorter time than the past time, the method of product line help us to make more manufactures(products) in the same time. After all, people now can finish much more work and fell(feel) more tired(这个怎么来的，你前面好像没有说幺) than the ones lived in the past at the same time. (本段：工作时间跟以前一样，效率反而提高了)

What is more, a lot of people also spend their leisure time on work. Because of the heavy work that boss assigned, sometimes they can not be finished on time in a day. These employees have to work longer which let them go home at night(我总能感觉到你的定语从句用得有问题，你好好看看老外在什么时候用定语从句). After a whole year's hard work, there are only a 7 days vacation for him/her which is exchanged his/her at least 1 month's spare time(what do u mean in this sentence?).(本段：依然有很多人加班。感觉本段论证不完善。)

As all of the evidence I have talked above, people have not spend too much time on personal entertainment in stead of the things they should do. The happily time people spend in their spare time is just a phenomenon which has been used to cover their hard work, so we can conclude that people cost lots of time on the things they should do.(结论)
COMMENTS:
这篇文章很难，楼主写得不错，赞一个！思路很清楚，立论也比较合理，最最重要的是没有偏题。
但是分论点里面的论证不是很完善。
加油，艮仔！