0910AW ARGUMENT189 by 421899282（modified by bernina）

421899282UID: 2595732

OPIC: ARGUMENT189 - The following is a recommendation from the dean at Foley College, a small liberal arts college, to the president of the college.

"Since college-bound students are increasingly concerned about job prospects after graduation, Foley College should attempt to increase enrollment by promising to find its students jobs after they graduate. Many administrators feel that this strategy is a way for Foley to compete against larger and more prestigious schools and to encourage students to begin preparing for careers as soon as they enter college. Furthermore, a student who must choose a career path within his or her first year of college and who is guaranteed a job after graduation is more likely to successfully complete the coursework that will prepare him or her for the future."
WORDS: 408          TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2009-8-7 下午 08:43:03

The dean at Foley College recommends to promise to(这里不通顺啊。。改改说法) find its students jobs after they graduate in order to increase enrollment. As known（改成since吧）, the（删掉） students are becoming(become) more concerned of（about） the(删) job-hunting. But I still do not suppose this method would achieve its goal, since there are so many factors the dean fail to consider.
恩，开头这一段，大家都喜欢陈述原文，但我建议尽量少说原文，而是将重点放在指出作者无法达到目的及概括错误上。。。


Is the（删） job-hunting the most essential aspect the（删）（+which） students valued when they choose colleges. (这后面就应该开始说什么才是最重要的aspect了)The larger and more prestigious schools' students are easier to find themselves a satisfied jobs even without a promise. Because the corporations believe the students from the larger and more prestigious are more competent（这段不要说找工作的事情，应该按你的首句，说别的方面）, since those schools do possess equipments of better-quality, outstanding professors, and efficient manage system etc（这个放在首句后面）. Given this, the larger and more prestigious schools beat Foley College at several other aspects. Even+if the Foley College promise its students jobs, the students may still prefer to go the preticious schools. It is the comprehensively improvement that really matters（这句是什么意思？你想说全面提升么？那really matters是什么？找工作么？难道全面提升就不是really matters么？）.
这段从首句看，是个不错的思路，可是后面的论证有问题，你想说学生选学校的时候不一定仅仅看重就业率，那么你就要说还看中什么，而且大学校能够满足这些需要 可是 F不满足，所以就算给学生找工作 也无法吸引学生来

The dean does not know about the whole college affairs and incline to consider things from his own standpoint(从你的开头，我没有看出你这段要说什么，记住开头的作用就是要告诉读者你这段的主题，读完了你这段我才知道你想说这个promise的可实现性，那么你可以说，Absance with solid evidence, the dean cannot gurantee that the promise can come true.). Under the seriously competitive circumstance, how can the college be able to promise to find its students jobs after graduate? And they also can not be sure that the students will be satidfied with the jobs. Evidently, the dean neglects the pressure other departments would suffer according to the recommendation(这段是说这个promise不一定会实现，你可以说压力，但这绝不是结尾，而应该是中间部分的论述，说为什么这个promise 实现不了，最后一句应该是总结).
这段的思路也挺好，就是中间的论述稍微有些问题，如果能更充实点就好了，你可以说没有详细计划啊，之类的 尽量靠着题目说。


In addition, the other benefits of the promise +that the dean claims also are not convincing. When the students enter the college first year, they do not acquire enough information about the career they might attend and they actually may be not clear about their own interets and desire. In this case(if this is the case), they may make a wrong choice of job which they will(may) regret in the future. And we also can not assure whether the students are able to be competent to the job. What' more, many students may attend to college partly in order to find a satisfying job and live a happy life. When the job is somewhat settled, their intentive for further study may be impaired(这句挺好，不过最好能放在上段 就是说这个promise 不一定能实现 实现了也不一定好。这一段就主要说刚入学的学生对自己的职业还拿不准就好了。).

In sum, the recommodation of the dean to（that） promise the college's students jobs may not attain its original goal, increase the enrollment. And it may even cause other unpleasure outcomes, such as pressures for deparment handling the job-hunting and a draw-back of students' incentive for studying（关于这个promise的弊处，最好和我上面说的一样，放在上上段）. Before the president make his decision, the factors mentioned above need to be taken into account.
结尾，最好能给出相应简单的建议，比如说 作者应该提供详细办法啊，可行性啊之类的。

in sum： 文章的逻辑还是挺好的，就是论证需要再加强。还有需要再组织一下。
              有个关键的问题就是语法，语法需要加强，我没有一一给你改出来。建议考试的时候，留出5分钟来检查文章，这样比较理想。

不好意思，时间紧迫，改的粗糙了些。any commet is welcomed 加油！

berninaUID: 2503038

Ok 明天来给你改昂~:)

berninaUID: 2503038

update

高级回复还是不成功，所以我直接在原文上面改了，抱歉