请大家帮我看下这篇Argu的开头

是寂寞UID: 2680526

194A recent study suggests that people who are left-handed are more likely to succeed in business than are right-handed people. Researchers studied photographs of 1,000 prominent business executives and found that 21 percent of these executives wrote with their left hand. So the percentage of prominent business executives who are left-handed (21 percent) is almost twice the percentage of people in the general population who are left-handed (11 percent). Thus, people who are left-handed would be well advised to pursue a career in business, whereas people who are right-handed would be well advised to imitate the business practices exhibited by left-handers.  


Introductory Paragraph

This argument recommends that left-handed people should pursue a career in business, whereas right-handed people should imitate left-handers in business practices. To justify the recommendation, the author cites a recent study of 1,000 prominent business executives in photographs and showing that the percentage of left-handers in these photos are higher than in the general population; according to the study, the researchers suggest that left-handed people are more likely to succeed in business than are right-handed people. The argument suffers from several serious flaws, which render it unconvincing.

有没有什么逻辑、语法上的错误，还有哪些应该改进的地方？ 谢谢大家了

是寂寞UID: 2680526

up

heraraUID: 2680518

上了XDF吗 很模版啊 你要大胆一点 分析完全可以放在后面说 你开头把最关键的问题指出来就行  你写这么多还没具体分析 时间能够吗 个人意见

梦之轮回UID: 2635816

弱弱地问下，要是不写这么多，字数能够吗？ 3# herara

heraraUID: 2680518

好多人都看重字数  字数可以放在说理上啊 一个点展开就有100了  再反证 这样内容饱满啊 你开头洋洋洒洒100多字  中间必然空了

草木也知愁UID: 2487572

自己看一下这个链接吧：https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=920961&highlight=

P.S.
字数永远不代表任何东西

彩虹沙漠UID: 2328322

看完后的感觉就是模板气太重了。虽然写A大家都避免不了沾染模板，但是你这个还是要稍微改改，最后能有点自己的风格~
个人意见啊。。。

ahngUID: 2605383

"The argument suffers from several serious flaws, which render it unconvincing. "，当初我用的是："However, with close scrutiny, the argument tends to suffer from several fallacies, rendering it unconvincing...