Issue130 by Garfield0818 (modified by bernina)

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 696
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2009-8-11 20:47:17

There has long been a heat discussion in the academic circle and in society about what is supposed to be the role of socialization in the growing process of children and what is the effective way to raise children. As I see it, how children are socialized is of critic importance for future of the society and therefore it is worthy of educators to develop a much better education systems.

Before giving detailed proof to my standpoint, it is necessary to make it clear about what socialization is exactly. Although there is not yet an accepted definition, it is commonly acknowledged that socialization is the process that prepares children to function well in society. During the process of socialization, children learn the language of the culture they are born into as well as the roles they are to play in future. For instance, boys learn how to be sons, brothers, friends, husbands, and fathers. In addition, they learn about the occupational roles the society has in store for them.

It follows for the above notion that socialization is of great importance in the process of personality formation. Although most of our personality is the result of genes, socialization can form it in particular directions by encouraging specific attitudes and beliefs as well as alternatively providing experiences. Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with the society, he or she is growing up to be an inefficient, even an anti-social, adult. To illustrate the importance of socialization, we draw upon few cases of children who were, through neglect, misfortune, or willful abuse, not socialized by adults while growing up. In the past several centuries, several cases have been reported of children who were reared in the wild by animals kept isolated from the society. For example, a wild child found in Indian when she was six years old died in the age of sixteen but only had a mental age about three. From the above case, we can get that socialization helps children to be respectful and tolerant citizens who have at least the basic living abilities. In a word, socialization has a decisive effect on children's personalities and even their whole life, and therefore determines the destiny of society.

Being that important and continuing through the whole life, socialization should be enforced carefully and effectively by schools, families and even the whole society. Unfortunately, the traditional teacher-centered education systems put too much emphasis on the development of students' abilities of reasoning and logic thinking, but ignore individual interests and needs, which undoubtedly result in some serious problems including lack of responsibility, tolerance, and creation. For a long time, the students only have the opportunity to passively absorb the information provided by the teachers, who are accustomed in the position of authorities. In addition, the too early separation between liberal art and science has been a barrier for comprehensive education. Especially in an education system that values score the most, the situation is even worse: students memorize dead facts and do extensive exercise all day long, while many of them have no interest in it at all. To make matters worse, parents usually care about helping their children win in any competition they take part in but neglect the importance of corporation. Without basic living skills and health personalities, it is already very difficult for the children to adapt the complicated and changeable society, let alone bettering the society.

To educate the students to better the society, educators should fully understand individual interests and needs, as well as teach them to fish rather than give them fish. As Confucius said, educators should teach every student in accordance with their aptitudes. To cater individual needs and interests, schools should provide specifically designed courses and activities in which children can be the activists of learning rather than the receptacles of knowledge. In addition, educator including teachers and parents should put more emphasis on developing children's abilities and characters.

From the above analysis, we can safely arrive at the notion that how children are socialized today determines their personalities and therefore the destiny of society. To better educate children, educators should improve the current education systems to prepare the children to develop the society.

berninaUID: 2503038

把文章标题改过来，发帖格式不对。

Issue130 by Garfield0818

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

遵命，改好了~~~

berninaUID: 2503038

There has long been a heat discussion in the academic circle and in society about what is supposed to be the role of socialization in the growing process of children and what is the effective way to raise children. As I see it(不要用"as i see" 之类的在Issue里, after all, this is your essay), how children are socialized is of critic importance for future of the society and therefore it is worthy of educators to develop a much better education systems.（题目说“我们” 就是指的全社会啊，如果你要限定在educators上，也要先说全社会再用especially to educators之类的来特殊强调）
这样的开头不错，就是注意一下细节

Before giving detailed proof to my standpoint, it is necessary to make it clear about what socialization is exactly. Although there is not yet an accepted（想说严格的么？rigorous ） definition, it is commonly acknowledged that socialization is the process that prepares children to function well in society. During the process of socialization, children learn the language of the culture they are born into（of their race） as well as the roles they are+going to play in future. For instance, boys learn how to be sons, brothers, friends, husbands, and fathers. In addition, they learn about the occupational roles the society has in store for them.
先定义一下挺好的，在你的定义里，孩子的社会化主要需要完成两个任务：1 学文化，2 认知他自己的社会角色。那么你后面的具体论述就要从这两点展开，说这两点对孩子和社会的重要性，怎么能决定社会的命运。

It follows for the above notion that socialization is of great importance in the process of personality formation(? 怎么回事？怎么说到自我个性的形成上了？你如果说这点，那你上段的定义又何用之有呢？). Although most of our personality is the result of genes, socialization can form it in particular directions by encouraging specific attitudes and beliefs as well as alternatively providing experiences. Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with the society, he or she is growing up to be an inefficient, even an anti-social, adult. To illustrate the importance of socialization（最好改成 this point）, we draw upon few cases of children who were, through neglect, misfortune, or willful abuse, not socialized by adults while growing up. In the past several centuries, several cases have been reported of children who were reared in the wild by animals kept isolated from the society.(你这介绍例子的话比例子还要长，精简精简) For example, a wild child  found in Indian when she was six years old died in the age of sixteen but only had a mental age about three. From the above case, we can get that socialization helps children to be respectful and tolerant citizens who have at least the basic living abilities(从你的例子里，只能看出，不社会化智商低，可看不出来你说得那么多。。). In a word, socialization has a decisive effect on children's personalities and even their whole life, and therefore determines the destiny of society.

这一段，你用的这个例子仅仅能说明野孩子因为没有社会化（注意，这句话还是我推理出来的，你没有写，这样的论证不严谨。）从而智商低，我根本看不出对什么 respectful，tolerance，和 basic living skills 有影响。

最重要的是，你这段根本没说没有经过好的社会化的小孩对整个社会有什么影响，你仅仅说对他个人的影响了。这样就偏了。

Being that important and continuing through the whole life, socialization should be enforced carefully and effectively by schools, families and even the whole society. Unfortunately, the traditional teacher-centered education systems put too much emphasis on the development of students' abilities of reasoning and logic thinking, but ignore individual interests and needs, which undoubtedly result in some serious problems including lack of responsibility, tolerance, and creation（忽视了学生的个人兴趣会产生这么严重的后果？）. For a long time, the students only have the opportunity（->opportunities） to passively absorb the information provided by the teachers, who are accustomed in the position of authorities. In addition, the too early separation between liberal art and science has been a barrier for comprehensive education(+for students). Especially in an education system that values score the most, the situation is even worse: students memorize dead facts and do extensive exercise all day long, while many of them have no interest in it at all. To make matters worse, parents usually care about helping their children win in any competition they take part in but neglect the importance of corporation. Without basic living skills and health personalities, it is already very difficult for the children to adapt the complicated and changeable society, let alone bettering the society.

你这一整段的论述，都是在说现在教育的如何如何不合理，我能得出的结论就是，现在的教育没有培养孩子的个人兴趣。
1 我得不到你的结论。
2 你没有说我们到底有没有学会怎么培养孩子去建设好的society.
如果你说我们没有学会，那么，你要说明现在的的青年人中普遍存在某些问题，某些不好的社会现象。而从这些现象中看出，他们是不能建设好的社会的。所以我们没有学会怎么培养孩子。

而你说教育体制的问题，也可以，那你就应该强调某些社会现象，比如很多孩子因为压力大跳楼啦，高考落榜去撞墙啦，之类的，仅仅说教育体制多么多么不合理是不能充分论证的。

To educate the students to better the society, educators should fully understand individual interests and needs, as well as teach them to fish rather than give them fish（chinglish）. As Confucius said, educators should teach every student in accordance with their aptitudes. To cater individual needs and interests, schools should provide specifically designed courses and activities in which children can be the activists of learning rather than the receptacles of knowledge. In addition, educator including teachers and parents should put more emphasis on developing children's abilities and characters.
这段就更偏了，题目问的是我们有没有学会，而不是应该怎么做。当然你可以用提建议地方法来升华全文，但是你这段这么写很不合适
而且我觉得升华仅仅在末端说点就行了，特地抽出一段来，有跑题之嫌。

From the above analysis, we can safely arrive at the notion that how children are socialized today determines their personalities and therefore the destiny of society. To better educate children, educators should improve the current education systems to prepare the children to develop the society.
末端彻底跑到怎么更好的教育孩子上去了。。。。

In sum: 这篇文章算是跑题了， 刚开始的定义还可以，可是后来完全和你的定义没有关系，说道教育的重要性上去了。
B3 貌似和社会化还沾点边，但是仅仅说影响孩子自己的智力能力，没说怎么能影响社会的命运。
B4 就跑到说我们的教育体制有缺陷上去了。这一段仅仅只能说明，教育没有发展学生的兴趣。那没有发展学生的兴趣有怎么样呢？你没有说。你本来想论证我没有学会怎么样培养能建设更好社会的孩子，可是，你这一段没办法证明这个论点。
B5 就是怎么正确的教育孩子。和题目离得更远了。

语言还不错，就是我经常能看到类似的表达，比如男孩要成为爸爸女孩要成为妈妈之类的，所以稍微注意一下。
你的论证有问题，就是论证不全面，思维跳跃太大，也就是说你的论据没有办法充分证明论点。记住不要有思维跳跃，我能看懂不代表老外能看懂。

再改改，加强对题目的理解，和对论点的论证。 不要急于给出结论，并且最好能精简文字。

加油~ ^ ^

ps: any commet is welcomed

berninaUID: 2503038

以后发习作一定要注意发帖格式，不然要锁贴的。

加油~

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

多写版主了啊~~~辛苦辛苦~~~

xueyiUID: 2647060

弱弱的问一下，我们在说教育体制的问题时，什么跳楼啊撞墙啊之类的会不会很具有中国特色，看卷的老米能理解么……

berninaUID: 2503038

呵呵，应该可以吧我想
1， 说不定他们那也有跳楼撞墙的
2， 就算没有，这也就是体现一个压力之大和心理压抑的结果。这个不管他们那有没有都能懂吧，比如，大规模的宗教战争我们没有吧，但是我们也能体会到战争给中东地区人民带来的痛苦不是么？

xueyiUID: 2647060

谢谢bernina:)

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

我回去又把这篇改了一下，这次把定义改了一下，就是直接落在了personality和知识上了
之后的作用也就是这两方面的，然后没有教育好孩子的事情也是这两方面，没有形成健全人格（有点夸张）和知识跟不上时代啊，不会应用创新啊什么的可以吗？

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 696          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2009-8-11 20:47:17

There has long been a heat discussion in the academic circle and in society about what is supposed to be the role of socialization in the growing process of children and what is the effective way to raise children. As I see it, how children are socialized is of critic importance for future of the society and therefore it is worthy of the society especially the educators to develop a much better education systems.

Before giving detailed proof to my standpoint, it is necessary to make it clear about what socialization is exactly. Although there is not yet a rigorous definition, it is commonly acknowledged that socialization is the process that prepares children to function well in society. During the process of socialization, children develop personalities the society values as well as learn about the language and basic knowledge of their race.

It follows for the above notion that socialization is of great importance in the process of personality formation. Although most of our personality is the result of genes, socialization can form it in particular directions by encouraging specific attitudes and beliefs as well as alternatively providing experiences. We are not born to respectful, tolerant, and responsible citizens who can better human’s future. Only through socialization, children can develop healthy and accepted personality which is the fundamental for them to adapt the society and therefore better the future. Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with the society, he or she is growing up to be an inefficient, even an anti-social, adult, who only can do harm the society rather than bettering it.

The importance of socialization is not limited in the aspects of personality formation. Socialization is also essential in the realm of teaching children language and basic knowledge. To illustrate this point, we draw upon the case of a wild child, who was reared in the wild by animals kept isolated from the society when she was six years, never adapted to the society and died in the age of sixteen, having only a mental age about three. Without socialization, the wild child can acquire no basic knowledge and therefore cannot grown up to be useless useful citizen. From the above case, we can get that only through socialization can children learn knowledge that they can use to better the society.

Being that important and continuing through the whole life, socialization should be enforced carefully and effectively by schools, families and even the whole society. Unfortunately, the traditional teacher-centered education systems put too much emphasis on the development of children's abilities of reasoning and logic thinking, but ignore forming their personality, which have result in some serious problems including lack of responsibility, tolerance, and creation. Lacking such characters, many children cannot endure any difficulties and kill themselves when meeting trouble. To make matters worse, parents usually care about helping their children win in any competition they take part in but neglect the importance of corporation. Accordingly, many children cannot corporate with others.

In addition, the current education system does not teach children the knowledge that they need and want to better the society. For a long time, children only have the opportunity to passively absorb the information provided by the teachers, who are accustomed in the position of authorities. In addition, the too early separation between liberal art and science has been a barrier for comprehensive education. Especially in an education system that values score the most, the situation is even worse: students memorize dead facts and do extensive exercise all day long, while many of them have no interest in it at all. When they graduate from school and begin to work, they only find what they obtained has already been out of date and has no use at all.

From the above analysis, we can safely arrive at the notion that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. To better prepare children for developing a bright future, the society especially educators should improve the current education systems in order to better form their personalities and teach them how to play their roles well.

nuaaskyUID: 2615912

we can get that only through socialization can children learn knowledge that they can use to better the society
better当作动词用，刚开始不理解，后来查词典发现竟然有这个意思，果然高级~
感觉这篇改过的比前一篇就要好很多了~感楼主用了好多高级语法，先学习下~
另外，总是用get是不是不好？这个词是不是更口语化一些？

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

请楼上推荐一个给我吧。。。我就会用get。。。要通用的呕~~~

Garfield0818UID: 2661872

我回去又改了一下，觉得这次应该不跑题了，大家再帮忙看看啊~~~
There has long been a heated discussion in the academic circle and in society about what is supposed to be the role of socialization in the growing process of children and what is the effective way to raise children. As I see it, how children are socialized is of critic importance for the future of our society and therefore it is worthy to develop a much better education systems, especially to educators.

Before giving detailed proof to my standpoint, it is necessary to make it clear about what socialization is exactly. Although there is not yet a rigorous definition, it is commonly acknowledged that socialization is the process that prepares children to function well in society. During the process of socialization, children develop personalities that the society values as well as learn about basic knowledge of their race.

It follows from the above notion that socialization is of great importance in the process of personality formation. Although most of our personality is the result of genes, socialization can form it in particular directions by encouraging specific attitudes and beliefs as well as alternatively providing experiences. As everybody knows, we are not born to respectful, tolerant, and responsible citizens who can better human’s future. Only through socialization, children can develop healthy and accepted personality which is the fundamental for them to adapt the society and further make contributions to the society. Unless a child is allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with the society, he or she is growing up to be an inefficient, even an anti-social, adult, who only can do harm the society rather than bettering it.

The importance of socialization is not limited in the aspects of personality formation. Socialization is equally essential in the realm of teaching children basic knowledge. To illustrate this point, we draw upon the case of a wild child, who was reared in the wild by animals kept isolated from the society until she was eight. When she was just found, she grasped no knowledge other eight-year-old children should obtain and even could not speak. From the above case, we can get that only through socialization can children acquire basic knowledge that they will use to better the society.

Being that important and continuing through the whole life, socialization should be enforced carefully and effectively by schools, families and even the whole society. Unfortunately, the traditional teacher-centered education systems put too much emphasis on the development of children's abilities of reasoning and logic thinking, but ignore forming their personality, which have result in some serious problems including lack of responsibility, tolerance, and creation. Nowadays adolescence crime has been a cancer of society. In addition, more that 13% of young Americans between 14 and 17 years of age considered suicide in 2000. Lacking a health personality, children could grow up smoothly, let alone developing our society.

In addition, the current education system does not teach children the knowledge that they need and want to better the society. For a long time, children only have the opportunity to passively absorb the information provided by the teachers, who are accustomed in the position of authorities. Especially in an education system that values score the most, the situation is even worse: students memorize dead facts and do extensive exercise all day long, while many of them have no interest in it at all. When they graduate from school and begin to work, they only find what they obtained has already been out of date and has no use at all. Some even don’t know how to write a report or note a meeting.

From the above analysis, we can safely arrive at the notion that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. To better prepare children for developing a bright future, the society, especially educators, should improve the current education systems in order to better form their personalities and teach them the basic knowledge to survive in society and further make contributions.