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People attend university for different reasons like new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge, to meet new people, to be specialized in a field, to change the city that they were born in, to make their parents proud, to be out of the parents' eyes and many, many other reasons. (文章首段的功能是引出话题,概括全文。这里引出话题的功能显然是完成了;但是相较于全文,手段并没有体现出概括全文结构的功能。)
(此外,这句话本身是没错的,但是在所举例子非常多的情况下,将他们一一罗列在句子中部,使整句显得拖沓,不如将其拆成长短句更有美感。比如:People have countless reasons to attend colleges. For examplt, XXX ,XXX, XXX,XXXX...如果能将理由简单分类以便于理解就更好了)
As human beings(因为是人类所以一定是programmed?如果是想表达我们人类就有这么个特点XXX的意思,不若用We man kind are just programmed.....), we are programmed to establish goals in our life.(再一次,段首句尽可能概括全段) One of the goals is the career or how we will earn the income and at what standard we want to live.(其实将句子作简单整理可以取得好得多的效果。One of these goals is to get a better career, which will probably decide your future income and thus , your living condition). If we want a high level (of) income and life (quality), then is (It is) necessary to choose a university or a college. Why? Because only if you are professional in the field that you want to practice then your income and life-level will be high. (为什么进入大学与未来高质量的生活必然划上等号?这里观点过于绝对,且没有展开。过多的篇幅浪费在了不相干的话上). L+
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Not all the teenagers that choose to enroll in a university or college know very well what they want to do with their life so their goals are not too specific. Then, they must be motivated by other reasons. One reason can be just to get out of the small towns or villages that they were born in and to go into a big city with so many opportunities. Imagine what a life (it can be)...new friends from different backgrounds, clubs(这里有歧义,会让人与上一句混淆以为是来自不同club的friends。写成all kinds of clubs来打断就好了), parties, freedom (the parents are not there)(the freedom from parents' goverening ). Maybe you just dream to know other societies (other) than yours (own) ...well, the borders are open now, and you can study in your dream country or society.
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Another reason to attend university is the level of knowledge that your are exposed to. Every day the amount of knowledge is getting bigger (不知道有没有这种搭配), more specific with each level. So many opportunities are open in your face, specialties that you did not know before. Is impossible not to find something that you like...molecular physics, behavior analysis, a philosopher that you agree with, genetic science etc. The environment will take you to the highest level. You just need to choose the field.
Finally, one of the most common reasons to attend a university is the family. It is more probable that, if you come from an intellectual family to attend university. It is a fact that the parental model is very important in the way you choose to live your life. The percentage of teenagers that attend university is much higher in intellectual families than in families where parents do not have degrees. Many persons attend university for the sake of their parents.
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There are many reasons to attend university. I think in these days everybody can attend a university. You can take a loan or you can attend different programs and foundations, or your grades will speak for you and you can win a grant or a bursary. I am sure that there are many persons who regret that they had not attended a university, but none to regret that have a degree.
总的来说,猫的这篇逻辑还是比较清楚的,基本讲清了想要说的话。
不过文章给出了4个论点,其中第4个(受家庭影响而读大学)与前几个关系不大,所以我觉得可以省去,把更多精力放在前文比较好。
猫的文章有2个突出问题。
1是文中的语言并没有很好的组织,这就显得前后的逻辑关系含糊不清,并且不够优美。其实简单的复句结构,甚至几个联结词就能改善状况
2是篇幅安排不合理。一定要注意首句要能概括整段的的内容。论述时不要过多讨论无关的事情。
大家一起加油吧!! |
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