issue207 求猛拍, 而且一定回拍!!

amocakiUID：2149779

题目：ISSUE207 - "Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."
字数：596          用时：0:45:00          日期：2007-3-25

Rituals and ceremonies which reveal what ancient people pursue such as freedom, spiritual dependence, wealth and health allure many researches to seek. Some people preserve them as valuable treasure while others take them as mirage. When it comes to rituals and ceremonies, I admit that they play important roles in define a culture. To better represent my viewpoint let me illustrate it in details.

What is important is that rituals and ceremonies define a culture and ensure societies not to lose the way. Culture cannot be formed at once, instead, it is a process of accumulating previous rituals and ceremonies and the core nature which behind them. Every ceremony has its essence for individuals to pursue. Take ancient Greece for example; they commemorated Muse for her graceful, remembered Athena for her wise and memorialized Apollo for passion and freedom. We can discover that such attribute of culture mentioned above can be found everywhere in modern Greece society especially when we enjoyed 2004 Olympic Games in there. Without retaining rituals and ceremonies, a group, especially a society can easily become mad. We can hardly imagine that a nation existing without any traditions and that culture are based on now and future without past. When we turn our eyes to Nazi Germany, Because of completely destroying the old custom, Germany, a country full of musician, philosopher and scientist was totally go mad and caused huge disaster for the whole world. To be sure, it is very important for a society preserve it rituals and ceremonies.

Whatever else may be said, most of individuals in modern society would feel that rituals and ceremonies have less and less effect on society as the development of technology. As homosexual become legal, suicide become less discriminated and clone become popular, many people think it useless of that dogma to tie people on a moral tree. It is true that in today's society, the most significant things are to develop economic, science and technology. After all, earning money is a more emergent task for human than to pursue some ceremonies and developing technology is a more real mission for people than to research in culture. So where are the places for rituals and ceremonies to maintain?

We must not forget to focus our eyes on the effect of ritual and ceremonies in modern society. For individuals, rituals make sure that people conform basic rules on ethics rather than laws. People’s ideas change as quickly as social change, but the culture sticks them in a position that will never let them run in the wrong way. As many US presidents claim that they believe Christ. This religion deriving from ancient Jews prevents them from leading the whole country to an error road. Deep down, a group of companies should share the some rituals and ceremonies to unify staff. Many famous companies have their rituals from generation to generation. The famous automobile company, the Ford, have its rituals of training its new staff carefully. It is the rituals that consolidate its frame and qualify of products. To be even better, a whole nation should have some ritual to let its citizens have recollection of old days. In America, The Thanksgiving Day shows a ceremony to thank ancient Indian. By this famous day, all American foster the culture of kind-hearted, giving thanks and remembering difficulties in the past. So it is believe that even in the modern world, we should not forget the important of rituals and ceremonies.

In all, ceremonies and rituals define a culture. Without them a people will it uneasily to move forward.  

[ 本帖最后由 amocaki 于 2007-3-26 22:16 编辑 ]

iq28UID：2152875

小声地说一句,这个题是244个issue里面我最怕的一个~呵呵

Rituals and ceremonies which reveal what ancient people pursue such as freedom, spiritual dependence, wealth and health allure many researches to seek. Some people preserve them as valuable treasure while others take them as mirage. When it comes to rituals and ceremonies, (放在这里有点莫明其妙,这个段落都在说这个话题.删了吧) I admit that they play important roles in define a culture. To better represent my viewpoint let me illustrate it in details. (这里只是简单给出支持观念,没有别的任何信息,比如初步的理由,比如初步解开题目的intricacy,那么前面说的有人支持有人反对的部分就没用了.)

What is important is that rituals and ceremonies define a culture and ensure societies not to lose the way. Culture cannot be formed at once, instead, it is a process of accumulating previous rituals and ceremonies and the core nature which behind them. (这句话不错) Every ceremony has its essence for individuals to pursue. (首先基本阐述了礼仪是文化积累的基础,然后给出例子.赞) Take ancient Greece for example; they commemorated Muse for her graceful, remembered Athena for her wise and memorialized Apollo for passion and freedom. (非常不错的排比) We can discover that such attribute of culture mentioned above can be found everywhere in modern Greece society especially when we enjoyed 2004 Olympic Games in there. (只是重复such attribute of culture出现了很多,没有提到这些仪式对于文化是如何构成的,我觉得这个才是关键.不过鉴于这个题目本身bt,lz能写到这一步已经很不错了) Without retaining rituals and ceremonies, a group, especially a society can easily become mad. (前面加一个结构词应该更好.前面的观念是仪式和文化的关系,下面的观念已经涉及到仪式和迷失自我的关系了.有点跳跃) We can hardly imagine that a nation existing without any traditions and that culture are based on now and future without past. (重复了分ts的观念.这句话没有太大作用) When we turn our eyes to Nazi Germany, Because of completely destroying the old custom, Germany, a country full of musician, philosopher and scientist (什么意思?这个就是没有文化的象征么?) was totally go mad and caused huge disaster for the whole world. (这个例子感觉很奇怪.跟主题关系不大) To be sure, it is very important for a society preserve it rituals and ceremonies. (看到你第三个body写的主要是针对个人的,那么这段最好就集中火力来写culture跟仪式的关系吧.然后这段跟下段之间最好衔接再平滑一些)

Whatever else may be said, most of individuals in modern society would feel that rituals and ceremonies have less and less effect on society as the development of technology. As homosexual become legal, suicide become less discriminated and clone become popular, (夸张了吧...) many people think it useless of that dogma to tie people on a moral tree. (不知道英文里面有没有这个说法) It is true that in today's society, the most significant things are to develop economic, science and technology. After all, earning money is a more emergent task for human than to pursue some ceremonies and developing technology is a more real mission for people than to research in culture. So where are the places for rituals and ceremonies to maintain? (不得不承认这段作为一个让步的段落从微观上面来看写得非常好.基本没有能让我下笔改的地方.但是从全文上面来看,这段让步的篇幅太大了.如果整个文章有1000字,你用这么大的篇幅单独开一段来让步完全可以.但是对于一个600字的文章,这么长就有点冲淡主ts的嫌疑了.稍微精简一点吧.效果同样非常好的)

We must not forget to focus our eyes on the effect of ritual and ceremonies in modern society. For individuals, rituals make sure that people conform basic rules on ethics rather than laws. People’s ideas change as quickly as social change, but the culture sticks them in a position that will never let them run in the wrong way. (感觉这一句不能支持前面的观念.法律难道就不能约束了么?没有谈到法律之于礼仪的劣势) As many US presidents claim that they believe Christ. This religion deriving from ancient Jews prevents them from leading the whole country to an error road. (同样不能让人信服.难道美国的成就是信基督给的?只能说是起到了辅助作用.你这句话说得太模糊了.没有提到细节.) Deep down, (这个词组看得让人摸不着头脑.这里用'事实上'作为结构词合适么?) a group of companies should share the some rituals and ceremonies to unify staff. (观念很突兀.跟上面基本没有什么衔接) Many famous companies have their rituals from generation to generation. The famous automobile company, the Ford, have its rituals of training its new staff carefully. It is the rituals that consolidate its frame and qualify of products. (不能让人信服,而且前面都在讲民族范畴上的文化,这里说到的最多只能是企业精神.两者不可同日而语.中间必须分开层次) To be even better, a whole nation should have some ritual to let its citizens have recollection of old days. (又上升到了nation层次.结构混乱了) In America, The Thanksgiving Day shows a ceremony to thank ancient Indian. By this famous day, all American foster the culture of kind-hearted, giving thanks and remembering difficulties in the past. (这一句不错) So it is believe that even in the modern world, we should not forget the important of rituals and ceremonies. (中间结构有点乱.而且这段也没有重点突出是在讲individuals,这个是宏观结构上面的缺点)

In all, ceremonies and rituals define a culture. Without them a people will it uneasily to move forward.

作为一个暴难的题目,lz写成这样已经不错了
结构上再加以完善吧 加油

amocakiUID：2149779

先说一下思路 : ( 有一个关键的逻辑词用错了 :deep down 我理解成"更进一步说" 还好你发现了, 不然鉴于我的摸版里面有这个词, 如果就这样进考场,估计就完了.)

1 仪式好 正面说好, 反面说, 没有的话就不好
2 让步 说在现代社会中好象过时了
3 说在现代也很好  递进来说: 对个人 ,对团体, 对社会

iq28UID：2152875

原帖由 amocaki 于 2007-3-27 00:28 发表
先说一下思路 : ( 有一个关键的逻辑词用错了 :deep down 我理解成"更进一步说" 还好你发现了, 不然鉴于我的摸版里面有这个词, 如果就这样进考场,估计就完了.)

1 仪式好 正面说好, 反面说, 没有的话 ...

那你第一个和第三个body的层次要拉开
前面明显眼要说古代
后面明显要说现代
才能自圆其说