argument234 oceanus4月作文小组4月1日第8次作业

oceanusUID：2283238

请狠拍！
TOPIC: ARGUMENT234 - The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"There is now evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. Businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City. Furthermore, Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents, but in Mason City the proportion of physicians to residents is five times as high. And the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities."
WORDS: 420          TIME: 0:30:00+5:00          DATE: 2007-4-1

In the argument, the author comes to a recommendations that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities, which seems convincing.

However, the fact that businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City is not enough to support the author's claim. As a matter of fact, there are other possible alternatives to explain the fact. Perhaps the individual workers in Leeville do not want to lose money because of days of sick leave taken, so maybe they always persist to work. Or perhaps the employers in Leeville do not allow the employees to rest when they are sick. On the contrary, it is entirely possible that the workers in large city are of a larger salary and they are not concerned about the lost because of the days of sick leave taken. Furthermore, the employers in large city will allow the employees to rest when they sick because of the laws. In short, the mere fact which was said above suggests nothing to the author's claim.

What's more, another problem with the argument is that there are also other explanations to why Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents and in Mason city the proportion of physicians to residents in five times as high. It is true that the quality of life in cities is higher than the quality of life in small town, so it is possible that the residents in cities have more money to employ physicians than residents in small town. And it is possible that the physicians do not want to live in the small town because they can earn less money than in cities. So without ruling other possible alternatives, the author cannot persuade me.

Finally, the reason why the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents may be due to other things, rather than that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. Maybe the residents in Mason city have more pressure, or they have a more quick rhythm, so the average of them is lower than that in small town..

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To strength the argument, the author should provide more evidence and rule out other possible alternatives. Or the author will not convince me.

ILOVEISSUEUID：2300195

In the argument, the author comes to a recommendations that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities, which seems convincing.（开头太简略，最好拆成两句话说）

However,（？） the fact that businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City is not enough to support the author's claim. As a matter of fact, there are other possible alternatives to explain the fact. Perhaps the individual workers in Leeville do not want to lose money because of days of sick leave taken, so maybe they always persist to work. Or perhaps the employers in Leeville do not allow the employees to rest when they are sick. On the contrary, it is entirely possible that the workers in large city are of a larger salary and they are not concerned about the lost because of the days of sick leave taken.（这句最好跟在前一个perhaps后面） Furthermore,（没有递进关系） the employers in large city will allow the employees to rest when they sick because of the laws. In short, the mere fact which was said above suggests nothing to the author's claim.（对比做的不错，但最好能一一对应）

What's more, another problem with the argument is that there are also other explanations to why Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents and in Mason city the proportion of physicians to residents in five times as high. （ts写得不好，ts最好是用来指出哪里错了，而不是指出怎么错了）It is true（这个词组有点让步的味道，在这里用不恰当可改成as we all know/common sense tells me） that the quality of life in cities is higher than the quality of life in small town, so it is possible that the residents in cities have more money to employ physicians（雇佣的physicians难道就不算physicians了吗？） than residents in small town. And it is possible that the physicians do not want to live in the small town because they can earn less money than in cities. So without ruling other possible alternatives, the author cannot persuade me.（反例举得失败，作者举出这个论据的目的是为了说明L的医疗医疗情况比MC差，从而排除活得长不是由于医疗情况的因素。因此我们要反驳就是要说成L比MC好，因此，我们应该反驳医生比例高不代表好，可能L的医生都是经验丰富的专家级医生，而MC的医生只是刚刚从医学院毕业的实习医生等等）

Finally, the reason why the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents may be due to other things, rather than that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities.（同上，ts又长又失败） Maybe the residents in Mason city have more pressure, or they have a more quick rhythm, so the average of them is lower than that in small town..（超级失败的一段，跟本不能算文章的主要错误）

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To strength the argument, the author should provide more evidence and rule out other possible alternatives. Or the author will not convince me.

Lz这篇文章完全没有把握作者的逻辑，除了第一个body写得挺不错，后两个body几乎偏离题目
其实这篇文章作者给了三个论据，那就三段每段攻击一个论据
1．        同第一个body
2．        医生比例低不代表不好
3．        平均年龄大不代表长寿
4．        如果有时间，可以在攻击一下结论

iq28UID：2152875

iloveissue在我也可以宽心看ngl了:cool:

oceanusUID：2283238

恩，确实挺失败的，以前写作都是先把题目分析了在写，这次没有分析就开始限时了，确实有很多错误，谢谢ILOVEISSUE修改，受益匪浅，非常感谢。

oceanusUID：2283238

argument234（修改后）

In the argument, the author comes to a recommendation that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities, and then the author points out several evidence to support his claim which seems convincing. However, there are some flaws in the argument.

To begin with, the fact that businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City is not enough to support the author's claim. As a matter of fact, there are other possible alternatives to explain the fact. Perhaps the individual workers in Leeville do not want to lose money because of days of sick leave taken, so maybe they always persist to work. On the contrary, it is entirely possible that the workers in large city are of a larger salary and they are not concerned about the lost because of the days of sick leave taken. Or perhaps the employers in Leeville do not allow the employees to rest when they are sick. On the other hand, the employers in large city will allow the employees to rest when they sick because of the laws. In short, the mere fact which was said above suggests nothing to the author's claim.

What's more, it is also wrong to infer that the lever of medical treatment in Leeville is worse than that in Mason City from the fact that Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents and in Mason city the proportion of physicians to residents in five times as high. Maybe the physician in Leeville is very experienced and the physicians in Mason city are almost housemen. So without ruling other possible alternatives, the author cannot persuade me.

Furthermore, it does not fairly infer that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities only from the fact that the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. 这里想写平均年龄大不代表长寿，但是不知道怎么写。 Even if living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities, it possible that this are other reason to explain it rather than the relaxed manner of living in small towns. It is possible that maybe the residents in Mason city have more pressure, or they have a more quick rhythm, so the average of them is lower than that in small town.

Finally, granted that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities, there are also other good ways to have a better health and greater longevity. They can, for instance, go to gymnasium, work in a disciplinary rhythm, and enjoy their lives.

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To strength the argument, the author should provide more evidence and rule out other possible alternatives. Or the author will not convince me.

songxjtuUID：2253904

In the argument, the author comes to a recommendation that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities, and then the author points out several evidence to support his claim which seems convincing. However, there are some flaws in the argument.

To begin with, the fact that businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City is not enough to support the author's claim. As a matter of fact, there are other possible alternatives to explain the fact. Perhaps the individual workers in Leeville do not want to lose money because of days of sick leave taken, so maybe they always persist to work. On the contrary, it is entirely possible that the workers in large city are of a larger salary and they are not concerned about the lost because of the days of sick leave taken. Or perhaps the employers in Leeville do not allow the employees to rest when they are sick. On the other hand, the employers in large city will allow the employees to rest when they sick because of the laws. In short, the mere fact which was said(mentioned) above suggests nothing to the author's claim.

What's more, it is also wrong to infer that the lever of medical treatment in Leeville is worse than that in Mason City from the fact that Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents and in Mason city the proportion of physicians to residents in five times as high. Maybe the physician in Leeville is very experienced and the physicians in Mason city are almost housemen. So without ruling other possible alternatives, the author cannot persuade me.

Furthermore, it does not fairly infer (unfairly infers)  that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities only from the fact that the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. 这里想写平均年龄大不代表长寿，但是不知道怎么写。There is no 联系（突然想不起那个词了）between average age and longevity. Even if living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities, it possible that this are other reason to explain it rather than the relaxed manner of living in small towns. It is possible that maybe the residents in Mason city have more pressure, or they have a more quick rhythm, so the average age of them is lower than that in small town.(觉得还是没有分析好 我觉得应该分析平均年龄大但不一定长寿的可能 比如老人都在small towns 年轻人相反 虽然小城平均年龄大 但可能将来寿命更长)

Finally, granted that living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does in big cities, there are also other good ways to have a better health and greater longevity. They can, for instance, go to gymnasium, work in a disciplinary rhythm, and enjoy their lives.

In sum, the argument is not convincing as it stands. To strength the argument, the author should provide more evidence and rule out other possible alternatives. Or the author will not convince me.
改了之后的好多了 但还有一些小地方要注意 继续加油！
P．S． 看了ILOVEISSUE 的修改受益匪浅 谢谢啊！

oceanusUID：2283238

恩，一起提高，加油！

[ 本帖最后由 oceanus 于 2007-4-2 17:07 编辑 ]

oceanusUID：2283238

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oceanusUID：2283238

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yldragonUID：2345512

我觉得题目说城市里的医生多是想说城市里的人生病多，不健康，这样才跟结论相符合，因此应该这么攻击，而不是医生的好坏！～～不知怎么想～～