argument153 thanks！

yxjessieUID: 194526

ARGUMENT153 - The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.

"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."


The conclusion of this argument seems relatively sound at the first glance, however, the author fails to take into account all the elements related to the increase in teenage crime. The idea that television programmers should reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time might be useful, but more than that should be considered before we make a conclusion.

First of all, the author assumes that the increase in violence showed on television is responsible for the increase teenage crime, based on the fact that the latter appears accompany to the former one. However, the concurrence of these events is insufficient to prove that the former caused the latter. Actually, the rising of the teenager crime might due to a lot other aspects. Perhaps the moral sense of the society decreased after 1950, or perhaps the education to the teenagers is too concerned about their academic performances rather than the moral sense. Maybe the reason is the high divorce rate in the country that teenagers got less and less care from their parents. Without ruling out such scenarios, the author cannot simply set a cause-and-effect relationship on which the author's conclusion depends.

In addition, the cited statistics about children's reaction to the television shows might be unreliable in other respects as well. These statistics were based on the studies of national wide. It is too hasty to conclude that the situation in Alta is also the same. Also, the author equates the violent behavior to the crime, which is unwarranted. It is possible that the teenagers who display violent behavior will not commit any crimes while teenagers who committed crimes were not showing any violent behaviors before.

Last but not least, the mere fact that parents think the television-programs should reduce violent content between 7p.m. and 9p.m is insufficient to support that this way can help to low the rate of teenage crime. Perhaps the programs featured violent scenes during other time might also affect the teenagers' actions, so the television programmers should also need to reduce the amount of violence shown in other time as well.

Before we make a conclusion about how to reduce rate of teenager crimes in Alta, the author should provide more information such as the other reasons that might due to the crime committed by the teenagers, the local teenagers' reaction to the violent television program and how much influence from the television-program in specific time will affect the teenagers.

fetusUID: 2122681

ARGUMENT153 - The following is from an editorial in the Midvale Observer, a local newspaper.

"Ever since the 1950's, when television sets began to appear in the average home, the rate of crimes committed by teenagers in the country of Alta has steadily increased. This increase in teenage crime parallels the increase in violence shown on television. According to several national studies, even very young children who watch a great number of television shows featuring violent scenes display more violent behavior within their home environment than do children who do not watch violent shows. Furthermore, in a survey conducted by the Observer, over 90 percent of the respondents were parents who indicated that prime-time television-programs that are shown between 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.-should show less violence. Therefore, in order to lower the rate of teenage crime in Alta, television viewers should demand that television programmers reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time."


The conclusion of this argument seems relatively sound at the first glance, however, the author fails to take into account all the elements related to the increase in teenage crime. The idea that television programmers should reduce the amount of violence shown during prime time might be useful, but more than that should be considered before we make a conclusion. (开头很不错了，没有那些冗繁的套话，又简约的概述了题目。)
First of all, the author assumes that the increase in violence showed on television is responsible for the increase teenage crime, based on the fact that the latter appears accompany to the former one. However, the concurrence of these events is insufficient to prove that the former caused the latter. (有点重复，可以改成 However, it is likely that they merely happened in coincidence.) Actually, the rising of the teenager crime might due to a lot other aspects. Perhaps the moral sense of the society decreased after 1950, or perhaps the education to the teenagers is too concerned about their academic performances rather than the moral sense. (这里似乎构不成or,说的都是是非感，感觉倒是可以把学校的教育和后面的家庭因素构成or) Maybe the reason is the high divorce rate in the country that teenagers got less and less care from their parents. Without ruling out such scenarios, the author cannot simply set a cause-and-effect relationship on which the author's conclusion depends.

In addition, the cited statistics about children's reaction to the television shows might be unreliable in other respects as well. These statistics were based on the studies of national wide. It is too hasty to conclude that the situation in Alta is also the same. Also, (Again) the author equates the violent behavior to the crime, which is unwarranted. It is possible that the teenagers who display violent behavior will not commit any crimes while teenagers who committed crimes were not showing any violent behaviors before. (时态有点乱，最后一句话换一下顺序，while teenagers who never showed any violent behaviors before might commit crimes。)
Last but not least, the mere fact that parents think the television-programs should reduce violent content between 7p.m. and 9p.m is insufficient to support that this way can help to low (lower) the rate of teenage crime. Perhaps the programs featured violent scenes during other time might also affect the teenagers' actions, so the television programmers should also need to reduce the amount of violence shown in other time as well. (这一段有点突然，前面驳斥了电视节目导致犯罪的这一论据，这里又说节目应该少播，不如在前面加一句退步，Assuming that it is the violence shown that results in the increase in teenager crimes, will it be effective to simply reduce the amount of them during prime time in order to lower the rate of teenage crime? )Before we make a conclusion about how to reduce rate of teenager crimes in Alta, the author should provide more information such as (既然这里用了such as,那就不如说的具体一点，把other指带的方面具体化，ETS会觉得你提出了具体的解决方法) the other reasons (factors) that might due to (这里的归因于用反了) the crime committed by the teenagers, the local teenagers' reaction to the violent television program and how much influence from the television-program in specific time will affect the teenagers. (最后一句有点突然，细看了才明白原来都是such as里面的内容，呵呵)
比第一篇进步了很大，有一点我很矛盾，暴力节目不是导致犯罪的原因；即使是，那么仅仅限制黄金时段播出是否足够，这两段我可能会连在一起写，会显得有一点点逻辑，不知道对否？那么对于犯罪与行为的关联的阐述放在前面还是后面呢？想了想，我可能会放在后面，毕竟前两段我们会比较有力度，呵呵

[ 本帖最后由 fetus 于 2006-3-14 10:28 编辑 ]

yxjessieUID: 194526

你改的很好，特别是让步＆逻辑顺序的问题，收益非浅，谢谢！