Argument25 [黄金十二宫]第一次作业(5.24)头一次把自己写的东西这么折腾啊~~

魏玛竹林UID: 2201594

第1周---周3(5.24)---第一次作业
TOPIC: ARGUMENT25 - The following appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewell.

"Two years ago, the town of Ocean View built a new municipal golf course and resort hotel. During the past two years, tourism in Ocean View has increased, new businesses have opened there, and Ocean View's tax revenues have risen by 30 percent. The best way to improve Hopewell's economy, and generate additional tax revenues, is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View."
提纲：1。新的建设与旅游业发展，税收收入增加无必然联系。
         2。适合OV不一定适合H 况且是两年前的事了~~
     In this analysis,the arguer claims that the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View. To justify this claim, the arguer provide the evidence of Ocean View’s success during the past two years. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.   
     First of all,the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact that building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View with the increasing of its tax revenues. Maybe  an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered tow years ago and people all over the state were willing to pay a visit on it. The tourism would surly get a prominent increase which may also help the opening of business and tax revenues. In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . On the other hand, other variables such as tax rate will influent the amount of tax as well. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent tow years ago, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.
     Secondly, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel. It's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell for the reason that background conditions have remain the same at different location. It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village even hard to arrive at and at the same time Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea. It stands the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists.There is obviously little use of the imitation.  Things also  keep changing over extended periods.The example OF the Ocean View happened in the past two years. Does it still useful for the coming two years? Will the microeconomics have the same increase as the days before? What if comes a serious crisis? Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to golf long enough to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted.
     To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer  would have to demonstrate the new constructions’ contribution on Ocean View’s economic growth and rule out the other possible factors that maybe help the tourism and tax revenues.The arguer also supposed to show the validity of the recommendation of Hopewell’s imitation.

[ 本帖最后由 魏玛竹林 于 2006-5-27 01:36 编辑 ]

njutleeUID: 2179673

提纲：1。新的建设与旅游业发展，税收收入增加无必然联系。
      2。适合OV不一定适合H 况且是两年前的事了~~
（由提纲上看，基本抓住了本文的两大逻辑错误：“时间上的先后关系等同于因果关系”，”错误类比”）

In this analysis,the arguer claims that the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View. To justify this claim, the arguer provide the evidence of Ocean View’s success during the past two years. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. (基本上按照孙远的首端套路写的，没什么好说的；就是不知道评分者看到千篇一律的开头会怎么想，呵呵；不过个人认为，初期套用一些模版有助于快速进入，但等到水平逐渐提高后，一定要搞一个自己特有的模式，如句式的变化等等。)     

First of all,the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact that building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View with the increasing of its tax revenues.（①虽然arguer等词用得太滥了，但此处用“author”我觉得不妥，完全可以根据题干称其为”the mayor”； ② 此句在between A and B之间我不明白如何断句，“the fact that building new constructions”能成为A吗？另外B的表达方式我觉得也欠妥，increasing 是这样表达的吗?好像只能说a increasing tax revenues 吧，而且原文之说在两年内增加了，并没有一个不断增加的概念。） Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered tow years ago and people all over the state were willing to pay a visit on it. The tourism would surly get a prominent increase which may also help the opening of business and tax revenues. In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . (前面几句以古墓发掘带来观光者为例，试图说明可能是其他原因导致了Ocean的这些变化；但是在语言组织上实在不敢恭维，且错别字不少，我尝试改变一下结构：”Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered there , and therefor has attracted thousands of people round the country during the two years, which was truly conducive to the opening of business and tax revenues ”) On the other hand, other variables such as tax rate will influent the amount of tax as well. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent tow years ago, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. （①On the other hand, 改成 moreover,是否更好？毕竟你前面没有on one hand 等与之对应；②variables 合适吗？will的时态用would是否更恰当？influent词性不对，是influence吧？我改成：Moreover, other factors such the rising tax rate have influenced ….）In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.

Secondly, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel. It's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell for the reason that background conditions have remain the same at different location. It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village even hard to arrive at and at the same time Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea. It stands the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists.There is obviously little use of the imitation.  Things also  keep changing over extended periods.The example OF the Ocean View happened in the past two years. Does it still useful for the coming two years? Will the microeconomics have the same increase as the days before? What if comes a serious crisis? Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to golf long enough to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted. (同第二段一样，语言组织很成问题。建议搂住背一背新概念或者新东方的北宋文选，体会捉摸下怎么组织。)     

To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer  would have to demonstrate the new constructions’ contribution on Ocean View’s economic growth and rule out the other possible factors that maybe help the tourism and tax revenues.The arguer also supposed to show the validity of the recommendation of Hopewell’s imitation。（contribution 后应接 to ；sb is supposed 这些简单句型都用错了！！！小魏子！你怎么写的阿？有没检查过阿？ ）

[ 本帖最后由 njutlee 于 2006-5-25 06:13 编辑 ]

njutleeUID: 2179673

真是惨不忍睹哦，哈哈，即使你刀磨的再快，我也得说了； 关键是你的语法错误太多，更不用说语言组织了，肯定没有用心写！！1

魏玛竹林UID: 2201594

谁说的
我很用心的
可是我语法就是很菜啊
而且连写加改对着电脑一整个上午自己都绕进去了~~
嘿嘿
没看我昨天都不敢问吗
辛苦你啦 改得真仔细啊~~
恩
仔细看看

微末三月UID: 205072

In this analysis,the arguer claims that the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View. To justify this claim, the arguer provide the evidence of Ocean View’s success during the past two years. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. (基本上按照孙远的首端套路写的，没什么好说的；就是不知道评分者看到千篇一律的开头会怎么想，呵呵；不过个人认为，初期套用一些模版有助于快速进入，但等到水平逐渐提高后，一定要搞一个自己特有的模式，如句式的变化等等。)     
First of all,the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact that building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View with the increasing of its tax revenues.这里连接不对,不能build tourism prosperity;that后面应该跟从句,我没看出有谓语动词...把the fact that都删了倒是对（①虽然arguer等词用得太滥了，但此处用“author”我觉得不妥，完全可以根据题干称其为”the mayor”；老实说我还是看了其他人的文章后才发现还有个mayor的 ② 此句在between A and B之间我不明白如何断句， “the fact that building new constructions”能成为A吗？另外B的表达方式我觉得也欠妥，increasing 是这样表达的吗?好像只能说a increasing tax revenues 吧，而且原文之说在两年内增加了，并没有一个不断增加的概念。恩 确实没注意到 我好象有点写着写着就不管原文了只凭印象批。断句的问题，我想说的应该是between the two facts that A and B 有这么说的么 好象也不对哦 那怎么说 between the fact of building new constructions and tourism prosperity as well as the increment of tax revenues 可以不） Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered tow years ago and people all over the state were willing to pay a visit on it. The tourism would surly get a prominent increase which may also help the opening of business and tax revenues. In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . (前面几句以古墓发掘带来观光者为例，试图说明可能是其他原因导致了Ocean的这些变化；但是在语言组织上实在不敢恭维，且错别字不少嘿嘿不好意思啦我有用word改过啊怎么会。。。，我尝试改变一下结构：”Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered there , and therefor has attracted thousands of people round the country during the two years, which was truly conducive to the opening of business and tax revenues ”恩~要学习) On the other hand, other variables such as tax rate will influent the amount of tax as well. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent tow第二个了哦~ years ago, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. （①On the other hand, 改成 moreover,是否更好？毕竟你前面没有on one hand 等与之对应；是哦②variables 合适吗？variable:sth that is variable恩 确实不好 因为计量里刚好碰到就用上去了 应该用factor:sth that actively contributes to a result 但是 还有知道别的么 will的时态用would是否更恰当？这个~我去找本语法书看看influent词性不对，是influence吧？我改成：Moreover, other factors such the rising tax rate have influenced ….）In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.

Secondly, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel. It's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell for the reason that background conditions have remain the same at different location.老师给的模版 可是现在看总觉得哪里怪怪的 从语法上分析for the reason that…是得出结论的原因还是结论错误的原因啊 前面用的是irresponsible,所以后面是结论错误的原因.总之是用你的原因支持你的论点;even if是从句,主句呢?It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village even hard to arrive at(with terrible traffic) and at the same time(on the contrary) Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea and easy to arrive at 要跟前面对称的吧 可是不会说.我感觉不需要对称,判卷的会觉得是你词穷 It stands If so, the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists.这样写太主观了,改成 比较有利于There is obviously little use of the imitation.  Things also  keep changing over extended periods.The example OF the Ocean View happened in the past two years. Does it still useful for the coming two years?前两句合一句吧 Will the microeconomics have the same increasec remain the same as the days before?两个谓语了.. What if comes a serious crisis? Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to(towards) golf long enough to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted.because接从句啊,谓语呢? (同第二段一样，语言组织很成问题。建议搂住背一背新概念或者新东方的北宋文选，体会捉摸下怎么组织。)自己又改了一下，可是拿不准，你再看看列 麻烦啦     
To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer  would have to demonstrate the new constructions’ contribution on Ocean View’s economic growth and rule out the other possible factors that maybe help the tourism and tax revenues.The arguer also supposed to show the validity of the recommendation of Hopewell’s imitation。（contribution 后应接 to ；sb is supposed 这些简单句型都用错了！！！小魏子！你怎么写的阿？有没检查过阿？有！！！我改了很久的！！可是对着自己写的这点东西 人不会清醒的啦 而且 我语法从来就很差。。。 ）

...lee说得有道理,魏玛可以先写短句,再训练把短句合起来成长句.一开始就追求句子的难度,比较容易出错.再者,一个句子只有一个谓语,建议看看语法书的句法部分,词法看看托福的好了

魏玛竹林UID: 2201594

In this analysis,the arguer claims that the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View. To justify this claim, the arguer provide the evidence of Ocean View’s success during the past two years. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.
First of all,the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact that building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View with the increasing of its tax revenues.这里连接不对,不能build tourism prosperity;that后面应该跟从句,我没看出有谓语动词...把the fact that都删了倒是对 其实，building...和prosperity of..是并列关系的 看来我的句子果然。。恩 那就简单些 删了the fact..好了Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered tow years ago and people all over the state were willing to pay a visit on it. The tourism would surly get a prominent increase which may also help the opening of business and tax revenues. In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . On the other hand, other variables such as tax rate will influent the amount of tax as well. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent tow第二个了哦~因为觉得时间问题是个错误 就不敢忽略一直带着了 倒忘了不该重复的。。 years ago, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.

Secondly, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel. It's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell for the reason that background conditions have remain the same at different location.老师给的模版 可是现在看总觉得哪里怪怪的 从语法上分析for the reason that…是得出结论的原因还是结论错误的原因啊 前面用的是irresponsible,所以后面是结论错误的原因.总之是用你的原因支持你的论点;没明白 那句话就错了对吧 因为for后面说的是地点改变没不影响背景啊 even if是从句,主句呢?嘿嘿，就是后面那句 忘小写了It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village even hard to arrive at(with terrible traffic) and at the same time(on the contrary) Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea and easy to arrive at 要跟前面对称的吧 可是不会说.我感觉不需要对称,判卷的会觉得是你词穷 唔 那不要好了It stands If so, the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists.这样写太主观了,改成 比较有利于 会吗 我可不可以保留意见啊~~我再想想。。。There is obviously little use of the imitation.  Things also  keep changing over extended periods.The example OF the Ocean View happened in the past two years. Does it still useful for the coming two years?前两句合一句吧 Will the microeconomics have the same increasec remain the same as the days before?两个谓语了.. 嘿嘿 那个have the same increasec是准备删掉的 不算不算:mad:  What if comes a serious crisis? Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to(towards) golf long enough to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted.because接从句啊,谓语呢?应该有个of的啊 它自己跑不见啦
To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer  would have to demonstrate the new constructions’ contribution on Ocean View’s economic growth and rule out the other possible factors that maybe help the tourism and tax revenues.The arguer also supposed to show the validity of the recommendation of Hopewell’s imitation。
...lee说得有道理,魏玛可以先写短句,再训练把短句合起来成长句.一开始就追求句子的难度,比较容易出错.再者,一个句子只有一个谓语,建议看看语法书的句法部分,词法看看托福的好了

谢谢三月先:kiss:
我也发现了 我写的句子一长就会在断句上产生歧义 我想说的意思是这样 但按正确的句法理解时往往很难读出这样的意思:L 确实要找本语法书好好研究一下句子结构了
然后 要骂自己没有耐心了 改了几遍还出低级错误 怎么对得起改作文的同学:@

魏玛竹林UID: 2201594

再把BODY改一遍！

To begin with,the mayor fails to establish the causal relationship between building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View as well as the increment of tax revenues. Maybe an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered there ,and therefore has atrracted thousands of people round the country during the two years,which was truly conducive to the opening of business and tax revenuues.In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . Moreover, other factors such as tax rate would influence the amount of tax a lot. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent at that time, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.

Further more, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel,it's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell because background conditions rarely remain the same at different location.It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village with terrible traffic ,and on the contrary ,Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea . If so, the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists.This is nowhere more ridiculous than on the opinion of to copy Ocean View's way is the optimum choice for Hopewell. The example of  Ocean View happened in the past and things always  keep changing over extended periods. Does it still useful for the coming two years? Will the microeconomics remain the same as the days before? What if comes a serious crisis? Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to golf long enough to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted.

渡渡鸟UID: 145880

In this analysis, the arguer claims that the best way to improve Hopewell’s economy and generate additional tax revenues is to build a golf course and resort hotel similar to those in Ocean View. To justify this claim, the arguer provide （provides简单的语法错误） the evidence of Ocean View’s success during the past two years.（这里还可以引用第2个论据The best way to improve Hopewell's economy, and generate additional tax revenues） A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.   
     First of all,the author fails to establish the causal relationship between the fact that building new constructions and tourism prosperity in Ocean View with（between …and….不能和with搭配吧） the increasing of its tax revenues.（这里感觉举例太突然了，中间应该再加句话。至少用个For instance嘛。） Maybe  an ancient cemetery of a mysterious king was discovered tow years ago and people all over the state were willing to pay a visit on it. The tourism would surly get a prominent increase which may also help the opening of business and tax revenues（opening 可以修饰 business，但不能修饰并列的tax revenues）. In the case above all those results has little to do with the golf course or new resort hotel . On the other hand, other variables such as tax rate will influent the amount of tax as well. Supposing the government rise the tax rate by 80 percent tow years ago, the total revenues can easily climb to a 30 percent higher position even with the depression of the real economy. In a word, this argument is unacceptable unless there is compelling evidence to support the connection between these two events.
     Secondly, even if Ocean View really gains a lot from its new municipal golf course and resort hotel. It's irresponsible to come to the conclusion that the similar strategy is useful for Hopewell for the reason that background conditions have remain the same at different location（直接前面用否定啊。。。）. It's highly probable that Hopewell is a small uninteresting village even hard to arrive at and at the same time Ocean View enjoys a spectacular scenery of the sea. It stands the development of tourism is an impossible mission for Hopewell while Ocean View is born to attract tourists. There is obviously little use of the imitation.  Things also  keep changing over extended periods. The example OF （拼写。。。）the Ocean View happened in the past two years. Does it still useful for the coming two years? Will the microeconomics have the same increase as the days before? What if comes a serious crisis? （What if comes a serious crisis？明显没有主语啊。。。）Will the tourists keep their enthusiasm to golf long enough （long enough如果要用也应该放在enthusiasm前面啊）to help the Hopewell's economy? What if they shift their fun onto tennis? Because all the likely differences between Ocean View and Hopewell ,the arguer’s recommendation is unwarranted.
     To sum up, the argument is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the arguer  would have to demonstrate the new constructions’ contribution on Ocean View’s economic growth and rule out the other possible factors that maybe help the tourism and tax revenues. The arguer also supposed to show the validity of the recommendation of Hopewell’s imitation.

感觉语法错误还是太多，影响阅读。文章的重点是抓住了，但组织还是不好。句子连接也不是很好。
其实语法问题都是也小错误，以后多写多改自然就会少些了。