ISSUE130【0610G-黄金十二宫】作文（第七周）－hanyuan，欢迎拍砖！

hanyuanUID: 2219299

130．How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
Words 700   Time exceed
The author begins with the threshold claims that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. And then he deduces that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. While I concede that there are some phenomena of children nowadays seem to be unsocialized, I cannot agree with the author’s assertion.

To begin with, I agree with the author that comparing with their parents’ generation, children nowadays seem less socialized with less capability of taking social responsibility, cooperating with others and adapting to society. Moreover, a respectable sum of people blame our education toward further generation for emphasizing too much on competition, thus leads to a weakened consciousness that we are all living in a society and need to cooperate with others, in other words, unsocialized.

However, it doesn't mean that they are unsocialized and even with the further assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children to be socialized. We consider children today are different from the former generations mainly because the adult use their old criterion to judge the children today, while ignoring the situation of current society. Actually, the phenomenon mentioned above is the results of the current society which emphasize more on individual independence and values, which is again the result of new economy based on high-technology and the Internet. According to the theory that determination of social consciousness by social being, the characteristics of the children now will possibly ensure them adapt to new society better. And to witness the healthy socialization of children, one needs look no further than our kindergarten, where they learn to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, and where they learn about the harmful result of anti-social behavior. Though these ploy and games they grow up to be tolerant and respectful members of society.

While socialization is just one factor that influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute a better society. Such examples abound in human’s history. Consider some great leader contributed to our society before, such as Chairman Mao, who was born in a landholder's family. But he leads the poor proletariat to struggle for a better life. His motivation mainly comes from the commiseration to the poor of China, which has nothing to do with the feudalistic society's socialization. Friedrich Engels has only studied in middle schools and then been forced to business. But he all learned by himself almost the knowledge of all subjects. It is inside inspiration and raw intellect that makes him finally become Karl Marks' most important supporter to accomplish the Manifest of Communist Party. Thus, born intellect and inside inspiration has more to do with an individual's contribution to a better society sometimes.

Moreover, whether the children today can construct a better society is mainly determined by which our definition of a better society is. The society today may be no longer exist the traditional frequently neighbor visits, individual connection as old times. Yet if we define a better society as a world which has great tolerance to changeable world, and has more connections at the country's level, and ensure people a more convenient living environment, the generations are making a better society now. We have more and more abilities to understand human nature, respect each other and connect worldwide. The gene map of human for example, we now have sequencing our 3 billion DNA sequence by international collaboration and will sooner or later know more about we humans. We can conclude that we are making a better society actually and thus the speaker's claim that the children can't build a better society flies in the superficial of the empirical evidence. Moreover, the society is never been designed before but will be rebuild by later generations. The generation today doesn't have to repeat their parents' worries at their time.

In sum, as socialization is not the only factors that influence our children's cultivation and ultimately contribution to a better society, I can’t agree with the author's claim. And in my point of view, due to different view towards a better society, I believe we actually build a more tolerant, independent and interacting--that is a better society.

[ 本帖最后由 hanyuan 于 2006-7-14 19:48 编辑 ]

微末三月UID: 205072

The author begins with the threshold claims that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. And then he deduces that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. While I concede that there are some phenomena of children nowadays seem to be unsocialized, I cannot agree with the author’s assertion.开头写得好偏ARGU啊,我不清楚功效,再商议~

To begin with, I agree with the author that comparing compared with their parents’ generation, children nowadays seem less socialized with less capability of taking social responsibility, cooperating with others and adapting to society. Moreover, a respectable sum of people blame our education toward further generation for emphasizing too much on competition顺序换一下.a sum of respectable people..., thus leads to a weakened consciousness that we are all living in a society and need to cooperate with others, in other words, unsocialized. 竞争和合作应该都是社会化吧?

However, it doesn't mean that they are unsocialized and even with the further assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children to be socializedit指代什么?. We consider children today are different from the former generations mainly because the adult use their old criterion to judge the children today, while ignoring the situation of current society. Actually, the phenomenon mentioned above is the results of the current society which emphasize more on individual independence and values, which is again the result of new economy based on high-technology and the Internet. According to the theory that determination of social consciousness by social being, the characteristics of the children now will possibly ensure them adapt to new society better. And to witness the healthy socialization of children, one needs look no further than our kindergarten, where they learn to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, and where they learn about the harmful result of anti-social behavior. Though these ploy and games they grow up to be tolerant and respectful members of society. 这一段写得很argu化,总是在驳斥作者的论点,却没有点出自己的topic sentence

While socialization is just one factor that influencing the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society. Such examples abound in human’s history. Consider some great leader contributed to our society before, such as Chairman Mao, who was born in a landholder's family. But he leads the poor proletariat to struggle for a better life. His motivation mainly comes from the commiseration to the poor of China, which has nothing to do with the feudalistic society's socialization. Friedrich Engels has only studied in middle schools and then been forced to business前句感觉不通顺啊,只具有中学文化不能这样表达. But he all learned by himself almost the knowledge of all subjects. It is inside inspiration and raw intellect that makes him finally become Karl Marks' most important supporter to accomplish the Manifest of Communist Party. Thus, born intellect and inside inspiration has more to do with an individual's contribution to a better society sometimes.用while开头,感觉就是要转移话题了,怎么半天没有引出主题句呢.而且这段好像跟孩子没有关系吧...

Moreover, whether the children today can construct a better society is mainly determined by which our definition of a better society is. The society today may be no longer exist the traditional frequently neighbor visits, individual connection as old times. Yet if we define a better society as a world which has great tolerance to changeable world, and has more connections at the country's level, and ensure people a more convenient living environment, the generations are making a better society now. We have more and more abilities to understand human nature, respect each other and connect worldwide. The gene map of human for example, we now have sequencing our 3 billion DNA sequence by international collaboration and will sooner or later know more about we humans. We can conclude that we are making a better society actually and thus the speaker's claim that the children can't build a better society flies in the superficial of the empirical evidence. Moreover, the society is never been designed before but will be rebuild by later generations. The generation today doesn't have to repeat their parents' worries at their time.跟孩子社会化有关吗?这一段像是argu的釜底抽薪法...攻击作者去了

In sum, as socialization is not the only factors that influence our children's cultivation and ultimately contribution to a better society, I can’t agree with the author's claim. And in my point of view, due to different view towards a better society, I believe we actually build a more tolerant, independent and interacting--that is a better society.

句子的长度,难度都足够,鲜有语法错误.
但是文章写得很argument,最大的特点就是每段开头没有中心句,进而也未在这个基础上展开.感觉文章跑题了,写issue虽然没有正确的论点之说,但也不能跑得太远... 有的句子太长,看得很累...
园园再改改吧

苯石UID: 2169611

The author begins with the threshold claims that how children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. And then he deduces that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. While I concede that there are some phenomena of children nowadays seem to be unsocialized, I cannot agree with the author’s assertion. [Then what is your opionion? 首段没有提出是不是不太好?]

To begin with, I agree with the author that comparing with their parents’ generation, children nowadays seem less socialized with less capability of taking social responsibility, cooperating with others and adapting to society. Moreover, a respectable [用法疑似.considerable?] sum of people blame our education toward further generation for emphasizing too much [OR: overemphasizing/overstating] on competition, thus leads to a weakened consciousness that we are all living in a society and need to cooperate with others, in other words, unsocialized.

However, it doesn't [does not正式文书中最好不要用这种缩写] mean that they are unsocialized and even with the further assertion that we have not yet learned how to raise children to be socialized. We consider children today are different from the former [previous/past? 这用former有点怪] generations mainly because the adult [复数]  use their old criterion to judge the children today, while ignoring the situation of current society. Actually, the phenomenon mentioned above is the results of [results from 复杂的表达不一定好] the current society which emphasize [emphasizes] more on individual independence and values [individuality] , which is again the result of new economy based on high-technology and the Internet [有点不明白. 为什么HIGH TECH会导致太强的独立性. further explanation?] . According to the theory that determination of social consciousness by social being, the characteristics of the children now will possibly ensure them adapt to new society better. And to witness the healthy socialization of children, one needs look no further than our kindergarten, where they learn to negotiate, cooperate, and assert themselves in a respectful manner, and where they learn about the harmful result of anti-social behavior. Though [through] these ploy and games, they grow up to be tolerant and respectful members of society.

While socialization is just one factor [那其它的因素都是什么了?] that influencing [influences] the extent to which an individual will ultimately contribute [(to)] a better society. Such examples abound in [这个词组不错!]  human’s history. Consider some great leader contributed to our society before, such as Chairman Mao, who was born in a landholder's family. But he leads [敬爱的毛主席走了好多年了. 用过去时吧] the poor proletariat to struggle for a better life. His motivation mainly comes from the commiseration to the poor of China, which has nothing to do with the feudalistic society's socialization. Friedrich Engels has only studied in middle schools and then been forced to business. But he all learned by himself almost the knowledge of all subjects. It is inside inspiration and raw intellect that makes him finally become Karl Marks' most important supporter to accomplish the Manifest of Communist Party. Thus, born intellect and inside inspiration has more to do with an individual's contribution to a better society sometimes.

Moreover, whether the children today can construct a better society is mainly determined by which our definition of a better society is. The society today may be no longer exist the traditional frequently neighbor visits, individual connection as old times. Yet if we define a better society as a world which has great tolerance to changeable [changing] world, and has more connections at the country's level, and ensure people a more convenient living environment, the generations are making a better society now. We have more and more abilities to understand human nature, respect each other and connect [? connect what] worldwide. The gene map [genetic blueprint] of human for example, we now have sequencing our 3 billion DNA sequence by international collaboration and will sooner or later know more about we humans. [为什么基因组图出来就是MAKE A BETTER SOCIETY呢? 因为可以利用其研制新药治疗疑难杂症.]  We can conclude that we are making a better society actually and thus the speaker's claim that the children can't build a better society flies in the superficial of the empirical evidence. Moreover, the society is never been designed before but will be rebuild by later generations. The generation today doesn't have to repeat their parents' worries at their time.

In sum, as socialization is not the only factors that influence our children's cultivation and ultimately contribution to a better society, I can’t agree with the author's claim. And in my point of view, due to different view [复数] towards a better society, I believe we actually build a more tolerant, independent and interacting--that is a better society.


1. 复杂句型和常见语法错误同时出现, 不多见啊.
2. MORE CONNECTION 和INTERACTING 不代表就会TOLERANT哦.
    GLOBALIZATION带来的问题一篮子. 如今恐怖分子横行世界, 种族歧视
    猖獗依旧. 并不似什么MORE TOLERANT的社会啊.

that's all.

hanyuanUID: 2219299

没有你们修改，真的发现不了自己的问题，非常感谢！对我真的有很大的帮助！如果你们有作文，我也可以帮你们修改。马上就要考了，拼拉！