AWER小组argument28--小余修改

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argument28

28.The following is a memo from the superintendent of the Mylar school
district.

"A recent six-month study, in which breakfast was made available at school
for 100 schoolchildren ages five to twelve, found that children on the
breakfast plan were less likely than other children to be absent from or
late for school. Clearly, eating breakfast before school plays a role in
reducing student absenteeism and tardiness. It is also well known that
children who regularly eat a healthful breakfast tend to perform better in
school. Therefore, in order to reduce absenteeism and tardiness and to
improve academic performance in all of Mylar's elementary and secondary
schools, we should provide breakfasts for all students before each school
day."

在一项最近的为期6个月的研究中，我们为100名5至12岁的小学生在学校提供早餐；研究发现参加早餐计划的儿童比其他儿童更不容易缺席或迟到。显然，上学前吃早餐对于减少学生的缺席和迟到作用很大。而且众所周知经常吃健康早餐的儿童一般在学校的表现也更好。因此，为减少缺席和迟到以及提高Mylar所有小学和初中的学习成绩，我们应该在每天上课前为所有学生提供早餐。This memo recommends that we should provide breakfast for all students before each school day. To support this recommendation the memo relies on a recent six-month study which indicates the students, who were supplied of breakfast, were less likely late, along with the fact that children who regularly eat a healthful breakfast tend to perform better in school. However, the recommendation relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumption, which render it unconvincing as it stands.

First of all, the memo points that a recent study’s respondents were 100 schoolchildren ages five to twelve. Accordingly, the argument bases on the assumption that all of the surveyed children, or few of them, had a habit of late. Yet we are not informed that how casually choose the surveyed children. It is entirely possible that the schoolchildren who engaged in the study had not late in school before. If this is the case, the children can not typify all students in the Mylar school district.
（这段所说明的是样本没有很好的代表性，perhaps the study’s subjects were unrepresentative of the overall population,我觉得多这样个总结性的句子在开头好点）Secondly, the argument rests on assumption that we can provide the all students with healthful food---which was known as important fact that made students perform better in school. If this is not the case, it is entirely possible that the Mylar school failed to supply nutritional breakfast which did not serve to the primary purpose of the recommendation.
Granted that the breakfast of enough nutrition was offered to students is the fact. But the author fails to consider the plan of the study which could also take deleterious influence on students’ health. To ensure the students arrive at school on time, the study carried out the inappropriate plan which perhaps asked students eat fast in limit time, or perhaps required students getting up too early to guarantee sleep, both would diminish the health. The author provides no evidence to warrant the assumption. Lacking such evidence it is entirely possible that the students’ biological clock plunged in confusion, even damaged the health.
（第一段问题是在统计上对了，正如第一段所说。第二段，我觉得分析稍稍扁了点位置，文章的关键点不是在事物健康否的问题上，应该是在吃早餐与迟到的问题上分析，比如如果孩子会到学校吃早餐，自然是不会旷课迟到。而那些会旷课迟到的孩子也是不会到学校吃早餐的。这样根本就不能很好说明到学校吃早餐是与旷课等有因果联系的）

Finally, if the author can substantiate the foregoing assumption, he or she overlooks the possibility that the result of study does not necessarily apply to the Mylar school district, and that we were able to know the share of food should give to students, if supplied too much food lead to waste or too little made student hungry.  In short, without considering and ruling out those possibilities, the author’s assertion seems untenable. （不好意思啊，没能看明白这段是什么意思）

还有一点可以讨论的，就是文章中说到in order to reduce absenteeism and tardiness and to improve academic performance in all of Mylar's elementary and secondary schools, we should provide breakfasts for all students before each school day. 还有其他因素影响：个人的聪明、学习习惯，家庭教育。不能把吃早饭作为提高学习成绩的唯一方式。

In sum, the argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it the argument’s author must show---perhaps by way of a reliable study in the Mylar school district---that the students provided breakfast reduced the absence and late for school.（To bolster it the argument’s author must show not only the evidence that how many students who used to absent will change their behavior result from the breakfast which is supply by the school, but also the significant difference on statistics.这样改好象好点） Rather than relied on the questionable assumption that we could supply healthful breakfast to all students in Mylar school district, the author should concern the plan of providing breakfast and our capability of offering the healthful breakfast.

文章的结构很正确，就是要这样写的
不过在文章错误的针对性这个小问题作者还要加强下，呵呵，谢谢的

[ 本帖最后由 yubeckham 于 2007-12-23 18:26 编辑 ]