ISSUE130[飞跃dreams小组]第一次作业

纳兰馨儿UID: 2437109

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS:         TIME: 00:65:00         


From the argument above, we can conclude what the speaker claims, the way we raise children determines how they socialized today and will determines the future of the society when they grown up.　To presume that children will replace most of the positions now occupied by the adults ,and then make decisions on most of the affairs in the future seems logical. Yet , the factors of the influence on  how the decision will be made include not only the socialization of people, but also depend on the level of the technology . In addition ,although a whole society is formed a large quantities of young adults ,but they are always guided by the older ones and be influenced  by their children , in that case ,we should be regard the whole society as a whole.

社会化很重要，但是不是唯一决定社会发展的，科技是第一生产力。科技水平决定了人们在劳动中的关系和社会的组成结构。（例子：古代的独裁和现代的人权都和科技水平相关）
The first notion that I have a contention with the speaker, who presumes an un reliable judgment that the development of the society is determined only by the socialization of people, is that technology is an very important  factor that can not be ignored. Firstly, the socialization among people including the way they cooperate with each other ,the way they are thinking  ,and the understanding of the world. The perspective they hold to judge the world determined how their thinking style and the organization they structured. This perspective comes from the scientific research on the society, so called "social science", whose methods and experiments are  limited by the current technology. Taking the ancient kingdom as an example. It is just because of the low efficiency of the producing  rate, people need a king to organize the whole society and disseminate the limited resources. And  now, the personal rights is the most important issue in the world. It is the development of science, such as the internet and the high-speed vehicle ,that gives people the opportunity to enjoy freedom. Based on is freedom ,we have a better society.

社会是一个整体，各种不同年龄的人并存，占绝大多数的年轻人并不一定起着决定性的左哟作用，他们往往受到前辈的指导和既成体系的约束。我们只需要把基本规定教授下去，自然可以得到发展。
Another reason that I can not agree with the speaker is that , any society is formed by people of different ages . Although the population of them is certain, the importance is various. Especially now, the experience is still valuable and most young adults are lead by the older ones. We can easily find out that the society’s basic ethic and moral perspectives is changing step by step from the senior to the junior . Further, from a higher point of view ,there are not only human being’s ideas that motivate the community ,but a lot of settled rules and disciplines adjust out behaviors. We just need to bring out children to obey the proper items ,and then they will find the achievements by the accumulation.

社会化在教育中还是很重要的
Although the reasons above illustrate other important factors besides of socialization, however the social skills should still be advocated, including social skills and the values shared by all nations ,so as to honesty, fidelity ,personal responsibility and love of task, family and friend, etc.

In sum, to form a better society ,we need not only to focus on the socialization of the children now ,but also make an effort into the new breakthrough of the technology and other factors ,such as thinking skills and common principles. In that way ,a harmonious society will be surely achieved.




  


[ 本帖最后由 纳兰馨儿 于 2008-1-27 23:29 编辑 ]

lyokaUID: 2451632

现在才发现改作文真不简单……

[ 本帖最后由 lyoka 于 2008-1-29 09:36 编辑 ]

lyokaUID: 2451632

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS:         TIME: 00:65:00         


From the argument above, we can conclude what the speaker claims, the way we raise children determines how they socialized today and will determines the future of the society when they
句法有问题，如果后面一句是由what引起的主语从句，那claims后面应该是is that而不是，
grown up.　To presume that children will replace most of the positions now occupied by the adults ,and then make decisions on most of the affairs in the future seems logical. Yet , the factors of the influence on  how the decision will be made include not only the socialization of people, but also depend on the level of the technology . In addition ,although a whole society is formed of a large quantities of young adults ,but they are always guided by the older ones and be influenced
  although和but不能同时使用
  by their children； in that case ,we should be regard the whole society as a whole.
be去掉

社会化很重要，但是不是唯一决定社会发展的，科技是第一生产力。科技水平决定了人们在劳动中的关系和社会的组成结构。（例子：古代的独裁和现代的人权都和科技水平相关）
The first notion that I have a contention with the speaker, who presumes an un reliable judgment that the development of the society is determined only by the socialization of people, is that technology is an very important  factor that can not be ignored. Firstly, the socialization among
前一句引出technology的作用，那么后面应该从此方面讨论。下文换为以technology为主语应该更合理。
people including the way they cooperate with each other ,the way they are thinking  ,and the        
includes
understanding of the world. The perspective they hold to judge the world determined how their thinking style and the organization they structured. This perspective comes from the scientific   
时态混乱
research on the society, so called "social science", whose methods and experiments are  limited by the current technology. Taking the ancient kingdom as an example. It is just because of the low
efficiency of the producing  rate, people need a king to organize the whole society and disseminate the limited resources. And  now, the personal rights is the most important issue in the world. It is the development of science, such as the internet and the high-speed vehicle ,that gives people the opportunity to enjoy freedom. Based on is freedom ,we have a better society.
Is 去掉

社会是一个整体，各种不同年龄的人并存，占绝大多数的年轻人并不一定起着决定性的左哟作用，他们往往受到前辈的指导和既成体系的约束。我们只需要把基本规定教授下去，自然可以得到发展。
Another reason that I can not agree with the speaker is that , any society is formed by people of different ages . Although the population of them is certain, the importance is various. Especially now, the experience is still valuable and most young adults are lead by the older ones. We can easily find out that the society’s basic ethic and moral perspectives is changing step by step from the senior to the junior . Further, from a higher point of view ,there are not only human being’s
强调句用it is
ideas that motivate the community ,but a lot of settled rules and disciplines adjusting our behaviors. We just need to bring out children to obey the proper items ,and then they will find the achievements by the accumulation.
        本段议论较为连贯

社会化在教育中还是很重要的
Although the reasons above illustrate other important factors besides of socialization, however ,the social skills should still be advocated, including social skills and the values shared by all nations ,so as to honesty, fidelity ,personal responsibility and love of task, family and friend, etc.
              此处可再分一段，将承认作者观点与结尾段分开
In sum, to form a better society ,we need not only to focus on the socialization of the children now ,but also make an effort into the new breakthrough of the technology and other factors ,such as thinking skills and common principles. In that way ,a harmonious society will be surely achieved.
              最后再次声明自己的观点


本人对语法比较敏感，故改错较多。整体思路清晰，论述角度也很明确，能够引入新的论证方向（科技和既成体系的作用），使文章的写作空间大大扩宽。但在议论过程中方式过于单一，如果能加入一些实际例子应该会更有说服力。还有就是虽然GRE看重说理能力，但最好还是尽量减少语法错误，以免给评卷人可趁之机。

纳兰馨儿UID: 2437109

:handshake
辛苦了~~