Argument65 [Jet小姐]第七次作业 第六篇A，欢迎拍砖

goldin2008UID: 2140085

TOPIC: ARGUMENT65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."
WORDS: 491          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2008-2-16
提纲：
1.     前提是只卖domestic cheeses就能提高利润，但是利润是收入和花费决定的，有可能收入没有提高。可能imported cheese虽然买的少于domestic cheeses但是赚得更多，或者更本就是商店中的其他商品，比如面包，饮料什么的是利润的主要来源。
2.     去年的例子以及五个新店不能说明问题，在大多数店可能还是imported cheese卖的好。
3.     magazine的subscribers可能更喜欢dc,但是大众可能更喜欢ic，不能说明什么。
In the argument, the author draws a conclusion that the company should discontinue stocking many of its varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses in order to improve profits in all of its stores. He points out the company can reducing expenses by limiting inventory and cites many facts and evidences to support his assertion. However, through a logical and precise scrutiny, I become aware of several fallacies in the argument that should be questioned and criticized.

As a threshold matter, even if I concede that our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the argument is still merely based on a dubious and unsound premise that selling domestic cheeses would result in the income increasing. It is entirely possible that domestic cheeses are not the significant factor responsible for increasing profits, at least not the only one. The speaker fails to consider and rule out many other alternative explanations. Such alternatives might include the fact that the profit of the imported cheeses is more than that of the domestic cheeses because the profit is a function of both revenue and expense. Or perhaps, most profits do not derive from the cheeses, let alone the domestic cheeses. For that matter, perhaps many other products, such as bread, drink, and so on, result in the revenue increasing. Any of these scenarios, if true, would undermine the conclusion. To substantiate the assumption or justify the claim, the arguer should provide sufficient evidences. Thus, regardless of whether the facts and evidences used to support the premise are adequate, the author cannot convince me that the company can improve the profits.

In addition, the speaker fails to consider the credibility of the evidence. He just points out that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, but does not mention other older stores. Maybe the best-selling cheeses at other stores were imported cheeses.

Finally, the arguer claims that a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. The survey is too vague to be informative. It does not mention how broad the survey was, and how the survey was conducted. It is possible that most people do not subscribe this magazine, or the readers did not join in the survey. If so, the result of the survey is not enough to indicate the general trend in the future.

To sum up, the argument, while it seems reasonable at first, has many flaws as discussed above. The speaker commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. The argument could be improved by providing evidence that the domestic cheeses are also popular in many other stores and the result of the survey is not doubtable. It could be further improved by providing evidence that the domestic cheeses are the major source of profits. If the argument includes the given factors discussed above, it would have been thorough and adequate.

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

提纲：
1.     前提是只卖domestic cheeses就能提高利润，但是利润是收入和花费决定的，有可能收入没有提高。可能imported cheese虽然买的少于domestic cheeses但是赚得更多，或者更本就是商店中的其他商品，比如面包，饮料什么的是利润的主要来源。
2.     去年的例子以及五个新店不能说明问题，在大多数店可能还是imported cheese卖的好。
3.     magazine的subscribers可能更喜欢dc,但是大众可能更喜欢ic，不能说明什么。

In the argument, the author draws a conclusion that the company should discontinue stocking many of its varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses in order to improve profits in all of its stores.(这句我觉得不要完全照抄,换种表述比较好) He points out the company can reducing expenses by limiting inventory and cites many facts (and evidences赘述了) to support his assertion. However, through a logical and precise scrutiny(这种表述给人太文绉绉的感觉了), I become aware of several fallacies in the argument that should be questioned and criticized.

个人觉得开头段可以再快点进入主题的, 最后一句模板语言可以改简练点.

As a threshold matter, even if I concede that their company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the argument is still merely based on a dubious and unsound(为简洁,两个词还是可以只保留一个) premise that selling domestic cheeses would result in the income increasing(简洁:increase the income). It is entirely possible that selling domestic cheeses is not a significant factor responsible for increasing profits, at least not the only one. The speaker fails to consider and rule out many other alternative explanations such as (删alternatives might include the fact that) the profit of the imported cheeses is more than that of the domestic cheeses because the profit is a function(这里想要表述的不是function吧,换成be relative to怎么样?) of both revenue and expense. Or perhaps, most profits do not come(用derive太大了吧) from the cheeses, let alone the domestic cheeses. (For that matter, perhaps)Many other products(,) such as bread, drink, and so on, can result in the revenue increasing. Any of these scenarios, if true, would undermine the conclusion. To substantiate the assumption or justify the claim, the arguer should provide sufficient evidences. Thus, regardless of whether the facts and evidences used to support the premise are adequate, the author cannot convince me that the company can improve the profits.(个人觉得最后这两句套话都可以不要,放在这一段结尾显得挺累赘.)

In addition, the speaker fails to consider the credibility(证据还是可信滴,推论是不可信的) of the evidence. He just points out that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, but does not mention other older stores. Maybe the best-selling cheeses at other stores were imported cheeses.
明显时间不够了吧,看看如果前面不写那么多套话,句子也简洁些,从这一段开始到下面都展开一点多好.

Finally, the arguer claims that a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. However the survey is too vague to be informative. It does not mention how broad the survey was, and how the survey was conducted. It is possible that most people do not subscribe this magazine, or the readers did not join in the survey. (其实我觉得更主要的是讨论survey跟buying cheese的关系)If so, the result of the survey is not enough to indicate the general trend in the future.(还是没有展开,太模糊了,怎么not enough没有说清楚)

To sum up, the argument, while it seems reasonable at first, has many flaws as discussed above. The speaker commits a fallacy of hasty generalization. The argument could be improved by providing evidence that the domestic cheeses are also popular in many other stores and the result of the survey is not doubtable. It could be further improved by providing evidence that the domestic cheeses are the major source of profits. If the argument includes the given factors discussed above, it would have been thorough and adequate(这么说过了吧,谁都不敢说自己几百字的文章就能够把一个商业问题说thorough呢).
结尾我觉得也可以简短些,少点模板句,点下题就可以了,像这种因为时间紧迫而没有把中间几个重要正文段展开的情况下就更不应该舍近求远了.不过貌似结尾是先写的吧,以后可以都先写短点儿,然后再慢慢加.这也是我自己今天写argu的教训.

文章紧密围绕提纲TS展开,有理有据,用词也很准确. 但感觉作者过于重视遣词造句,以至于出来的句子显得生硬矫情,不必要的地方反而弄得很长,读起来不顺畅. 另外关于模板,个人意见是除非模板语言放在文章某个位置特别合适,否则最好不要刻意去用. 这篇文章里面有些模板式的句子摆在那里反而破坏了整体感,大可不必.
以上均为个人意见,作者也可以明显看出我就是属于那种自己记不得几个好词背不下几个好句的质朴型新手,于是在修改的过程中也就明显有这方面倾向,若作者已完全习惯于自己的写作风格和模式也大可不必理会我这些小刺儿~ 今后共同进步一起加油咯~ ^_^

[ 本帖最后由 滴滴雨儿 于 2008-2-18 02:11 编辑 ]

滴滴雨儿UID: 2392741

惊异一个, 你居然argument比issue写的字数还多~~

goldin2008UID: 2140085

原帖由 滴滴雨儿 于 2008-2-19 16:41 发表
惊异一个, 你居然argument比issue写的字数还多~~

嗯那，每次写argument都挺顺，写起来也high，主要是有靶子，while写issue就费死劲了，真应了这句话“内有千言万语，就是不知如何开始”