issue48(超越自我小组)第十三次作业

zugurrrUID: 2482827

48. "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."




History is made by the public people, whose identities and significance have never been forgotten by the descendents. While we also cannot neglect the important effects from the famous few individuals on the development of history.

The groups of people are the primary force to drive the wheel of the history. From the war for independence of the United States to the Second World War, from the modernization of technology to the globalization of culture and economy, each success and little progress from every individual and persons combines together to become the great progress of human civilization. During the Second World War, most part of China has been invaded by the Japanese soldiers. All Chinese people have joined in the war, which include men, women, the old people and even the teenagers. At the ceremony of celebrating the success of independence of China, Chairman Mao Zedong reported that the entire win of such war is due to the struggle to whole Chinese people and the assistance of the world nations. In Chinese historical textbook it is recorded that thanks to the persistent striving of national people in that time, we win the war against Japanese invaders.

Meanwhile, we could not deny the importance of special individuals about the effects on history development. We could not predict that without the new reforms on economy of Franklin Roosevelt, the prosperity of the United States after the Second World War is hopeless. From the angle of historians, the change in American economy is unavoidable, so are the related policies. The appearance of Mr. Roosevelt or such another leader is a need of developed society and economy. But one thing is sure that without the contribution of Franklin Roosevelt the American people should had suffered more from inflation of economy and American would had struggled for a longer time in the dark period.

At most times, in history study when we refer to the individual who always not only represent oneself, but also represent a group of people or a community holding the same political positions. In Chinese history, Deng Xiaoping have contributed most to successfully competing the reform of Chinese market economy and pointing out the theory of Deng Xiaoping. Yet all the people clearly know that, the great theory or the complete success is not built by the Deng Xiaoping alone, who is just the represent of a group of politicians, who share and develop the same or similar political and economical ideas and he is the one contributing most.

To conclusion, great people could not create the history or decide the direction of mainstream of history, which is built by the public and the people. But they can significantly affect speed of the history development. And people usually use the individual with most contributions to represent the group of people, but that does not mean that the identities of group people have been forgotten.


[ 本帖最后由 zugurrr 于 2008-8-18 00:05 编辑 ]

sccdcdUID: 2289393

History is made by the public people, whose identities and significance have never been forgotten by the descendents. While we also cannot neglect the important effects from(是不是用of好一些？我不是很清楚哈，from是固定用法么？) the famous few individuals on the development of history.
你这段表明观点历史既是群众也是个别人的。恩，可以。但是后面的转折应该是强调历史是个人的。

The groups of people are the primary force to drive the wheel of the history. From the war for independence of the United States to the Second World War, from the modernization of technology to the globalization of culture and economy, each success and little progress from every individual and persons combines together to become the great progress of human civilization. During the Second World War, most part of China has been invaded by the Japanese soldiers. All Chinese people have joined in the war, which include men, women, the old people and even the teenagers. At the ceremony of celebrating the success of independence of China, Chairman Mao Zedong reported that the entire win of such war is due to the struggle to（of） whole Chinese people and the assistance of the world nations. In Chinese historical textbook it is recorded that thanks to the persistent striving of national people in that time, we win the war against Japanese invaders.

Meanwhile, we could not deny the importance of special individuals about the effects on history development. We could not predict that without the new reforms on economy of Franklin Roosevelt, the prosperity of the United States after the Second World War is hopeless. From the angle of historians, the change in American economy is unavoidable, so are the related policies. The appearance of Mr. Roosevelt or such another leader is a need of developed society and economy. But one thing is sure that without the contribution of Franklin Roosevelt the American people should had suffered more from inflation of economy and American would had struggled for a longer time in the dark period.

At most times, in history study when we refer to the individual who always not only represent oneself,(这个观点很不错呀~) but also represent a group of people or a community holding the same political positions. In Chinese history, Deng Xiaoping have contributed most to successfully competing(这个是怎么回事？没看懂捏) the reform of Chinese market economy and pointing out the theory of Deng Xiaoping. Yet all the people clearly know that, the great theory or the complete success is not built by the Deng Xiaoping alone, who is just the represent of a group of politicians, who share and develop the same or similar political and economical ideas and he is the one contributing (这个是什么现象？要不干脆用从句吧。我语法也够烂，说不上是什么问题，但是读起来怪怪的。)most.

To conclusion, great people could not create the history or decide the direction of mainstream of history(和mainstream比较搭配的是society，而且历史的主流，觉得像是研究历史的人说的，也就是后代说已经发生的事情，而不是great people在引领社会潮流), which is built by the public and the people. But they can significantly affect speed(可以试试用pace，:loveliness: 要生动一些吧) of the history development. And people usually use the individual with most contributions to represent the group of people, but that does not mean that the identities of group people have been forgotten.

你的逻辑很清楚，句子表达也很明白。向你学习。我是经常写着写着就把自己绕晕了。

问题是，题目说的是这样一种意思，他提出争论，历史中个人和集体的贡献哪个大。他认为集体的作用大，而历史研究却着重个人。那么他有一个默认前提，就是现实的历史研究重视了个人。
而你的观点忽略了这个默认前提，你认为集体的贡献没有被忘记。就这一点点问题。

被你夸语言好，真是不好意思。我的那些句子都是issue题目的句子。不信你找找看。因为题目很短，语言地道，又有很多美国人思维的观点， 建议你也多看看。

另外例子的问题。我不是很擅长举例子，没什么发言权。不过如果你的例子能都换成美国的会好很多。

hermituforestUID: 2354296

History is made by the public people, whose identities and significance have never been forgotten by the descendents. While we also cannot neglect the important effects from the famous few individuals on the development of history.（开头应该不可以只写成这个样子的。。。应该要体现出题目的复杂性和下文的思路来。而且你这两句话逻辑是不是有点问题呢？你先下了一个结论说历史是made by the public people，然后又说不是这样子，历史也有famous few 的功劳。。。）

The groups of people are the primary force to drive the wheel（好像不可以开轮子，除非是独轮车。。。） of the history. From the war for independence（War Of Independence) of the United States to the Second World War,（World War Ⅱ） from the modernization of technology to the globalization of culture and economy,（我不太懂你这是什么一个过程，前一个War的那个貌似是时间先后，不过War Of Independence好像也不是很早，最好换成Troy战争之类的在久远一点的；而后一个就更不知道是什么不同了，好像那两个过程是同步的，你可以换成地域差异，或者种族差异，这样才能表现出普遍性来。） each success and little progress from every individual and persons（不可以这么写，你后面的例子只是说明了masses推动了社会的进步，没有说明famous few没有功劳） combines together to become the great progress of human civilization. During the Second World War(同上）, most part of China has been invaded by the Japanese soldiers. All Chinese people have joined in（去掉） the war, which include（including） men, women, the old people and even the teenagers.（要体现出两对的关系，改成men and women；elders and teenagers） At the ceremony of celebrating the success of independence of China, Chairman Mao Zedong reported（这个可以当论据么？Mao是事件的当事人哦，或者有其他目的呢？显得不客观，换个历史学家更好） that the entire win of such war is due to the struggle to whole Chinese people and the assistance of the world nations. In Chinese historical textbook it is recorded that thanks to the persistent striving of national people in that time, we win the war against Japanese invaders.

Meanwhile, we could not deny the importance of special individuals about the effects on history development. We could not（换个句型更好一点） predict that without the new reforms on economy of Franklin Roosevelt, the prosperity of the United States after the Second World War is hopeless.（句子有问题 could not predict 然后就断定hopless？）From the angle of historians, the change in American economy is unavoidable, so are the related policies. The appearance of Mr. Roosevelt or such another leader is a need of developed society and economy. But one thing is sure that without the contribution of Franklin Roosevelt the American people should had suffered more from inflation of economy and American would had struggled for a longer time in the dark period.（既然都the change in American economy is unavoidable了，那罗斯福就是不可避免的了，那么如此看来famous few就没有多大贡献了，你紧接着那个but根本就没有理由sure，就像是你前面引用名人作论据，后面直接sure来否定他。）

At most times, in history study when we refer to the individual who always not only represent oneself, but also represent a group of people or a community holding the same political positions. In Chinese history, Deng Xiaoping（最好多举一些欧美的例子，尽量不要用中国近现代的例子，他们并不是很熟悉，而且你并不是十分清楚美国人对同样的事件有着什么样的看法，有的时候会显得缺乏说服力。） have contributed most to successfully competing the reform of Chinese market economy and pointing out the theory of Deng Xiaoping. Yet all the people clearly know that, the great theory or the complete success is not built by the Deng Xiaoping alone, who is just the represent of a group of politicians, who share and develop the same or similar political and economical ideas and he is the one contributing most. （将famous few和masses结合起来了。。。很好。。。不过最好不要有所偏向，冷眼看上去好想你是在偏向masses）

To conclusion, great people（famous few，扣题） could not create the history or decide the direction of mainstream of history, which is built by the public and the people.（又先下结论了，然后又说不是。。。） But they（who？） can significantly affect speed of the history development. And people usually use the individual with most contributions to represent the group of people, but that does not mean that the identities of group people have been forgotten.（这句话的点很好啊。。。怎么没在正文中见到？却有在结尾突然出现？）

一点意见：
1、总体来说思路还是比较清晰的，不错~~
2、在issue中最好不要轻易的下结论，这样容易犯一些逻辑错误，你的字里行间应该体现出对这个问题全面的分析和思考。
3、尽量举不要举中国历史的例子，判卷人不熟悉，影响论证效果。
4、既然是写平衡观点，就不要在文中体现出有所偏向的话，要么就在开头和结尾体现出大正小负或者大负小正的有所倾向。
5、关于开头

《手把手教你GRE作文》：
GRE作文第一段有三点要求
1、要有明确的立场
2、要表现出作者对于题目复杂性或隐含意义有所理解
3、要让读者了解上下文主要的观点

[ 本帖最后由 hermituforest 于 2008-8-20 00:57 编辑 ]