南极熊【12月-1月IBT综合备考活动】之【TWE写作】12月8日作业

南极熊UID: 2578592

Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to recognize that their leisure times in the daily lives are gradually decreased. The problems that life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when grandparents were children is much debated. From my point of view, I disagree that life in modern society is easier than many years ago.

A threshold argument for my propensity is that the competition in the every fields become more and more increasingly with the development of the modern society. People are getting difficult to find their jobs and numerous students are inclined to get high academic degree. People today are far busier and the life pattern are utter differ from many years ago. For examples, I struggle with the IBT in order to get a higher score and want to study in America. I study 13 hours a day and short of sleep is always occurs in my life. If in the many years ago, I would have less stress and enjoy more comfortable and more easeful life. My father who is high-educated is faced the dilemma that whether find another well-paid job with the high risk or keep the job with the low pay. My father is always puzzled with these kinds of problems. This would also abate if he is in the many years ago.

Another reason can be seen by everyone is that people who always in the high pressure are easier to be taken ill. A lot of occupational diseases are common occurrences. Although the flourishing medicine can reduce the pain, the mental stress can not be healed. For example, my mother who is an office lady is always face to face with computer. In the high stress and over fatigued, headache and neck ache goes with her for along time. My grandparents say that it would not happen when they were young.

To sum up, all the examples can prove that people now lives harder and more overworked. If we are in the days when grandparents were children, we would be more be joyful and have more leisure time. From what we have discussed that we can safely come to conclusion that life is not easier and more comfortable today.

:handshake 希望大家拍死我

niuniu_dragonUID: 2134273

Do you think life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when your grandparents were children?

Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to recognize that their leisure times in the daily lives are gradually decreased. The problems that life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when grandparents were children is much debated. From my point of view, I disagree that life in modern society is easier than many years ago.
（熊这里还是有个问题 那就是开头没有展开 第一句想说休闲时间越来越少 那么休闲时间一定等于生活comfortable吗？题目理解的稍稍窄了一些 其实可以从压力开始谈 开头一共3句话 却用了2句去说那么一件简单的事情：我的观点是什么.. 其实这样有凑字数的嫌疑 简单明了的说 我认为哪个观点 之前做好一些展开工作）
A threshold argument for my propensity is that the competition in the every fields become（become后面加表语 表示变成什么什么的样子 要用形容词 现在用的是副词 而且 more and more本事就是increase的意思了 再者 increase不适合形容competition 应该换成激烈啊什么的词比如severe） more and more increasingly with the development of the modern society. People are getting difficult to find their jobs （主语换成是job会更生动 英语的一大特色就是非人做主语 另一个特色就是被动语态 这2个是看文章成色的关键）and numerous students are inclined to get high academic degree. People（看 这个时候就出现了问题 2个句子都是people开头的 这样不好） today are far busier and the life pattern are utter differ from many years ago. For examples, （注意时态）I struggle with the IBT in order to get a higher score and want to study in America. I study 13 hours a day and short of sleep（here needs a noun） is always occurs in my life. If in the many years ago(要是在从前？这个句子就是直接从汉语过来的 不地道), I would have less stress and enjoy more comfortable and more easeful（……基础啊 基础啊 easier…） life. My father who is high-educated（my high-educated father就可以 这个定语简单 那么就简单的表达） is faced the dilemma that whether find another well-paid job with the high risk or keep the job with the low pay. My father is always puzzled with these kinds of problems. This would also abate if he is in the many years ago.（中国人可以明白 恐怕ets的bt们不一定能明白 注意 熊 寻找地道的表达方式 ）


Another reason can be seen by everyone is that people who always in the high pressure are easier to be taken ill. A lot of occupational diseases are common occurrences. Although the flourishing medicine can reduce the pain, the mental stress can not be healed. For example, my mother who is an office lady is（又是structure问题 其实一个小逗号就可以解决 这样的问题不要留到考试那天啊） always face to face with computer. In the high stress and over fatigued, headache and neck ache goes with her for along time. My grandparents say that it would not happen when they were young.

To sum up, all the examples can prove that people now lives harder and more overworked. If we are in the days when grandparents were children, we would be more be joyful and have more leisure time. From what we have discussed that（这个that太奇怪了 直接去掉加逗号） we can safely come to conclusion that life is not easier and more comfortable today（……..这句我无语了….）
（整体的问题 1 大方向的把握 熊对题目的理解有时候偏窄
2 词汇不够丰富虽然段落开头使用了模板但是好像就那么几个模板多背多用肯定有进步的里面的词汇变化少）

[ 本帖最后由 niuniu_dragon 于 2008-12-8 21:19 编辑 ]

LonelydanceUID: 2456465

Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to recognize that their leisure times(time) in the daily lives(life) are gradually decreased. The problems(issue更好) that life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when grandparents were children is much debated. From my point of view, I disagree that life in modern society is easier than many years ago.
      A threshold argument for my propensity is that the competition in the every fields(单数) become more and more increasingly(重复,去掉more and more) with the development of the modern society. People are getting difficult to find their jobs and numerous students are inclined to get high academic degree. People today are far busier and the life pattern are utter differ from (are utter different from or utterly differs from)many years ago. For examples, I struggle with the IBT in order to get a higher score and want to study in America. I study 13 hours a day and short of sleep is always occurs in my life. (Studying ....)If in the many years ago, I would have less stress and enjoy more comfortable and more easeful life.My father who is high-educated is faced the dilemma that whether find another well-paid job with the high risk or keep the job with the low pay. My fatheris always puzzled with these kinds of problems. (换为He 更佳)This would also abate if he is in the many years ago. (Dating many years back , this would also be abated 更好)
      Another reason can be seen by everyone (去掉,多余)is that people who always in the high pressure are easier to be taken ill.(catch illness) A lot of occupational diseases are common occurrences. Although the flourishing medicine can reduce the pain, the mental stress can not be healed. For example, my mother who is an office lady is always face to face with computer. In(Under) the high stress and over fatigued, headache and neck ache goes with her for a long time. My grandparents (Elder 更好)say that it would not happen when they were young.
    To sum up, all the examples can prove that people now lives harder and more overworked. If we are in the days when grandparents were children, we would be more be joyful and have more leisure time. From what we have discussed that(above) we can safely come to conclusion that life is not easier and more comfortable today.
           点评:本文探讨了现代生活的弊病,有理有据,较为信服.缺点:1.语法错误较多,更像是依据模板套出来的文章 2.应该更为具体的描述祖父母那个时代的生活,来更加令人信服的对比现代生活的弊病 3.句子中有较多冗余成分,表明作者应精雕细琢语言一番.      
                                                     仅为个人观点,期待探讨

[ 本帖最后由 Lonelydance 于 2008-12-9 11:04 编辑 ]

bjleoUID: 2480273

Nowadays, more and more people are beginning to recognize that their leisure times in the daily lives are gradually decreased. The problems that (whether) life is easier and more comfortable today rather than the days when grandparents were children is much debated (debatable). From my point of view, I disagree that life in modern society is easier than many years ago.

A threshold argument for my propensity is that the competition in the (去掉the)every fields become(s) more and more increasingly (intense) with the development of the modern society. People are getting difficult to find their jobs and numerous students are inclined to get high academic degree. (这句不错) People today are far busier and the life pattern are (is)utter differ(different) from many years ago. For examples, I struggle with the IBT in order to get a higher score and want to study in America. I study 13 hours a day and short of sleep is always occurs in my life. If in the many years ago, (表达方式有点象汉语) I would have less stress and enjoy more comfortable and more easeful life. My father who is high-educated is faced the dilemma that whether find another well-paid job with the high risk or keep the job with the low pay. My father is always puzzled with these kinds of problems. This would also abate if he is in the many years ago.(虚拟语气？)


Another reason can be seen by everyone is that people who always in the high pressure are easier to be taken ill (没必要用被动 to be ill). A lot of occupational diseases are common occurrences(are common to people 病句 感觉是汉语的逐字翻译). Although the flourishing medicine can reduce the pain, the mental stress can not be healed. For example, my mother who is an office lady is always face to face with computer. (病句 动词连用 always fact to computer, 不能用face to face 吧) In the high stress and over fatigued, headache and neck ache goes with her for along time. (Working in high stress and over fatigued, she often get headache and neck ache.)My grandparents say that it would not happen when they were young.

To sum up, all the examples can prove that people now lives (live) harder and more overworked. If we are (live) in the days when grandparents were children, we would be more be joyful and have more leisure time. From what we have discussed that (above), we can safely come to conclusion that life is not (去掉not)easier and more comfortable today.(病句 that 多余?)

有些句子不是很符合英文表达方式 而是拿汉语翻译 建议注意这一点

[ 本帖最后由 bjleo 于 2008-12-9 14:24 编辑 ]