Argument37 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！

guesser198414UID: 2106027

哪位大侠给改一下吧！！！！！！！！
第一篇argument啊，昨天发的第一篇issue都没人理，郁闷坏了
再没人给指点我就完了
限时写了大部分内容，但没写完，后来又写了十几分钟

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been unique to the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could only have crossed it by boat, but there is no evidence that the Paleans had boats. And boats capable of carrying groups of people and cargo were not developed until thousands of years after the Palean people disappeared. Moreover, Paleans would have had no need to cross the river—the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. It follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not unique to Palea.
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       The author has drawn a conclusion that Palean baskets were not unique to Palea. The conclusion is drawn due to the fact that archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, a nearby village across the Brim River from Palea, and the broad and deep river had obstructed the Paleans to reach Lithos.
          Firstly, the author hasn't mentioned the existing time of Lithos, there is a big possibility that the village Lithos appeared much later than Palean. Such a 'Palean' basket was brought to Lithos after thousands of years of Paleans' disappearance by.
         Secondly, the author falsely draws the conclusion that the Paeans had no boats and without boats they can't get across.  It's unconvincing to draw a conclusion that they had no boats because there is no evidence that they had.  Maybe the boats they used in their time had already been completely destroyed as thousands of years have passed, and it's also possible that we haven't found such evidences. Even if the Paleans didn't have boats, they could get across by many other methods like: using floating logs cross the river in cold winter when the water was frozen to ice. In order to conclude that they couldn't get across the river, the author should provide more evidences.
          Thirdly, the Brim River is very deep and broad, but what was its ancient appearance? Maybe it was not as deep and broad as it is now, and even there is no such river thousands of years ago. If the river didn't exist in the ancient time when the Paleans existed, it's a piece of cake for them to get to the Lithos. The author should collect more information about the ancient state of the Brim River to support his idea.
           Finally, the author unfairly assumes that there is no need for the Paleans to cross the river because the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. I don't think there isn't necessary causal relation between them. Although the woods were beautiful and full of food, the curiosity of human beings and the pursuance for some other goods they didn't have may drive the Palea to cross the river during their thousands of years of existence.  Only one successful adventure of crossing the river may lead to further connection between the two villages.
          In summary, the author should provide more information about the neighbor village Lithos and ancient Brim River to support his opinion. And parts of his assumption are unfair and more convincing evidences are necessary to draw his conclusion.

guesser198414UID: 2106027

丁丁丁！！！！！！

LeonS.KennedyUID: 194492

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been unique to the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could only have crossed it by boat, but there is no evidence that the Paleans had boats. And boats capable of carrying groups of people and cargo were not developed until thousands of years after the Palean people disappeared. Moreover, Paleans would have had no need to cross the river—the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. It follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not unique to Palea.






The author has drawn a conclusion that Palean baskets were not unique to Palea. The conclusion is drawn due to the fact that archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, a nearby village across the Brim River from Palea, and the broad and deep river had obstructed the Paleans to reach Lithos.点明作者的结论后，可以光提论据fact，也可以光提假设assumption，或者论据和假设都提一下，但是注意衔接，本文只点了fact。开头段没有新东方模板的痕迹，坚持写下去会形成一套自己的模板，而且会越写越精彩。如果题目中的fact 和assumption很长，不要复述，自己要先概括一下，用自己的话说。

Firstly, the author hasn't mentioned the existing time of Lithos, there is a big possibility that the village Lithos appeared much later than Palean. Such a 'Palean' basket was brought to Lithos after thousands of years of Paleans' disappearance by. 时态基本原则是保持题目中的时态，适当调整，这里用一般现在时就行，文中很多地方的完成时都可以替代掉。这段只提出了要点，其实完全可以再展开一些，就象第三段一样，没有必要那么早收笔。by可以去掉。

Secondly, the author falsely draws the conclusion that the Paeans had no boats and without boats they can't get across.  It's unconvincing to draw a conclusion that they had no boats because there is no evidence that they had. 这两句有些繁琐，第二句开头与第一句重复，可以写一个复合句把“没有证据”与前句结合起来。 Maybe the boats they used in their time had already been completely destroyed as thousands of years have passed, and it's also possible that we haven't found such evidences.前面已经有一个maybe，后面又用also possible，用这种结构意在说明一件事，可是读了几遍，老觉得不合适，evidences指得是什么，是指“没有船”？还是指“经过千年后消失了”？推理上有些混乱，这句话语言上有问题 Even if the Paleans didn't have boats, they could get across by many other methods like: using floating logs cross the river in cold winter when the water was frozen to ice. In order to conclude that they couldn't get across the river, the author should provide more evidences.这样的“应该提出更多证据”的句型放在最后好一些，每段用个新颖的方式结尾好些

Thirdly, the Brim River is very deep and broad, but what was its ancient appearance? Maybe it was not as deep and broad as it is now, and even there is no such river thousands of years ago. If the river didn't exist in the ancient time when the Paleans existed, it's a piece of cake这种不正式的说法不要用在GRE作文中 for them to get to the Lithos. The author should collect more information about the ancient state of the Brim River to support his idea.

Finally, the author unfairly assumes that there is no need for the Paleans to cross the river because the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. I don't think there isn't necessary causal relation between them.按照你的意思，应该是is吧 Although the woods were beautiful and full of food, the curiosity of human beings and the pursuance for some other goods they didn't have may drive the Palea to cross the river during their thousands of years of existence. 题目中只出现了一次thousands of years ，是指 Palean灭亡后的时间，而不是Palean exist的时间Only one successful adventure of crossing the river may lead to further connection between the two villages.

In summary, the author should provide more information about the neighbor village Lithos and ancient Brim River to support his opinion. And parts of his assumption are unfair and more convincing evidences are necessary to draw his conclusion.需要提供的证据，应该是两个事物之间的联系，而不是单纯的信息

guesser198414UID: 2106027

The author makes a conclusion that Palean baskets were not unique to Palea. The conclusion is drawn due to the discovery of a ‘Palean’ basket in Lithos, a nearby village across the Brim River from Palea, by archeologists and the assumption that broad and deep river had obstructed the Paleans to reach Lithos.
    Firstly, the existing time of Lithos hasn't been mentioned, so it's possible that the village Lithos appeared much later than Palean. After thousands of years' disappearance of Palean, the booming trades between nations may bring goods to any places in the world, maybe the baske was only one of the countless goods purchased by Lithos from other places. In this circumstance, the discovery of a 'Palean' basket in Lithos can't indicate that the Lithos has made the basket by themselves.
    Secondly, the author both falsely draws the conclusion that the Paeans had no boats only because there is no evidence that they had and illogically assumes that without boats they can't get across the Brim River. Maybe the boats they used in their time had already been completely destroyed as thousands of years have passed, and we possiblly fail to found such evidences. Even if the Paleans didn't have boats, they could get across by many other methods like: using floating logs to cross the river or got across in cold winter when the water was frozen to ice.
    Thirdly, the Brim River is very deep and broad, but what was its ancient appearance? Maybe it was not as deep and broad as it is now, and even there is no such river thousands of years ago. If the river didn't exist in their time, it's rather easy for the Palean to reach the Lithos by land. More information about the ancient state of the Brim River should be collected to assure that it's rather difficulty for the Paleans to get across.
    Finally, the author illogically assumes that there is no need for the Paleans to cross the river because the woods around Palea are full of nuts, berries, and small game. I don't think there is rational causal relation between them. Although the woods were beautiful and full of food, the curiosity of human beings and the pursuance for some other goods they didn't have may drive the Paleans to get across the river. Only one successful adventure of crossing the river may lead to further connection between the two villages.
    In summary, the author should provide more information about the neighbor village Lithos to ensure that the two village existed contemporarily and the ancient appearance of Brim River in their times is also required. It's necessary for the author to think twice about some of his illogical assumptions and provide more convincing evidences to illustrate the relationship between the archeological discovery of the 'Palean' basket and his conclusion.

LeonS.KennedyUID: 194492

继续努力吧:)

guesser198414UID: 2106027

应该是把作者的错误、疏漏、以及欠缺再总结一遍，跟开头呼应一下？
这么写出来觉得结尾写的有些多余:)