Argument117 我的第二篇正式A,请学友斧正。有拍必回！

supermaryUID：2110481

------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户          446 words
30分钟写完，此处是没有任何修改的原帖。

------提纲------
1.对 survey质疑
2. 对”带工作回家“和”在家工作“的概念混淆
3. 没有意识到增加存货不利之处和提出其他增加销量的办法
4. 概念扩大化,将提高销量等同于提高利润；而"成为利润最大的部门”也就更加无从说起。

------正文------

The arguer asserts that by increasing the stock of home office machines and that of office supplies, their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of all Valu-Mart stores. In order to support his recommendation, the arguer cited a survey which reflects a trend of taking more work home than in the past. However, in my view, the arguer commits several logical fallacies in his statement.

In the first place, the arguer fails to take into account about the representative and thus reliability of the survey. It is likely that people who usually take the unfinished and due work home are more interested in participating a survey on such a topic. More, the arguer does not specify whether the respondents are representative of all the consumers in the areas where Valu-Mart stores locate. Or it is biased to draw the conclusion just from such and unsubstantiated survey.

In addition, the arguer unfairly confused between the connotation of “taking more work home” and “work-at-home” or SOHO (small office, home office) trend. Assume that more reliable and unbiased statistics exist to support the fact that more people are taking work home than in the past, the survey can only support the statement that more people are spending some time finishing work at home rather than become the independent self-employed. Therefore, it is likely that people would just use personal computer at home or make some phone calls instead of the seemingly more professional office appliances such as fax machine or office printers: cheaper machines for personal usage would be sufficient and more desirable.

Moreover, he ruled out other possibilities of improving the sales in the office-supply departments in Valu-Mart. That is, the arguer does not consider other methods to improve the sales, making the strategic plan by focusing only on increase the inventory while ignoring the fact that by making only one move, it will bring up some advantages of improving sales and some negative effects such as less cash liquidity and more financial burden on the company.

Finally, the arguer made a hasty generalization that by increasing the sales, the profits will concurrently rise in the office-supply department. Therefore, it is clueless and groundless to concede that the departments will become the most profitable component of Valu-Mart. Even if the sales and profits do happen to go up after taking the arguer’s recommendation plan.

All in all, the arguer doesn’t provide relevant statistics to support the fact that more people are working at home. To realize the arguer’s goal of improving the profits of the office-supply departments at Valu-Marts, a more thorough and comprehensive recommendation plan has to be come up with besides improving the sales.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-28 at 17:46 ]

bigofferUID：2121480

The arguer asserts that by increasing the stock of home office machines and that of office supplies, their office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of all Valu-Mart stores. In order to support his recommendation, the arguer cited a survey which reflects a trend of taking more work home than in the past. However, in my view, the arguer commits several logical fallacies in his statement.

①In the first place, the arguer fails to take into account about the representative and thus reliability of the survey. ②It is likely that people who usually take the unfinished and due work home are more interested in participating a survey on such a topic.③ More, the arguer does not specify whether the respondents are representative of all the consumers in the areas where Valu-Mart stores locate.④ Or it is biased to draw the conclusion just from such and unsubstantiated survey.
①中不明白你干吗不直接用First，In the first place到底指什么地方？不知。觉得这种表述不好。后面标红的地方，语法错误吧。而且thus 加在这里就更不懂你什么意思了。你要表达没有考虑典型性因此不可信赖，还是说没有考虑典型性和可信度？②③应该颠倒比较好：没有指出是否典型，所以人们可以有这样的怀疑----很多参加调查的人都是喜欢在家加班的人。②应该是属于③所说的范畴内的。
In addition, the arguer unfairly confused between the connotation of “taking more work home” and “work-at-home” or SOHO (small office, home office) trend. Assume that more reliable and unbiased statistics exist to support the fact that more people are taking work home than in the past, the survey can only support the statement that more people are spending some time finishing work at home rather than become the independent self-employed. Therefore, it is likely that people would just use personal computer at home or make some phone calls instead of the seemingly more professional office appliances such as fax machine or office printers: cheaper machines for personal usage would be sufficient and more desirable.
没有抓住问题的关键。不管搞混了work-at-home这个没有和办公用品部的盈利没有直接关系。你要直接指出和盈利有关的逻辑错误，而不是在这里纠缠或者进行长串的推导。你直接说，taking more home doesn’t mean that people need use office machines such as …,they can …就行了。这切中了盈利这个要害。Moreover, he ruled out other possibilities of improving the sales in the office-supply departments in Valu-Mart. That is, the arguer does not consider other methods to improve the sales, making the strategic plan by focusing only on increase the inventory while ignoring the fact that by making only one move, it will bring up some advantages of improving sales and some negative effects such as less cash liquidity and more financial burden on the company.

Finally, the arguer made a hasty generalization that by increasing the sales, the profits will concurrently rise in the office-supply department. Therefore, it is clueless and groundless to concede that the departments will become the most profitable component of Valu-Mart. Even if the sales and profits do happen to go up after taking the arguer’s recommendation plan.
哇~这话也太重了，都有点人身攻击的意味了。不过我觉得这个点抓得很好，如果把销售量和利润的关系强调出来，而不花太多口舌去批评人家傻乎乎，我觉得更有力
All in all, the arguer doesn’t provide relevant statistics to support the fact that more people are working at home. To realize the arguer’s goal of improving the profits of the office-supply departments at Valu-Marts, a more thorough and comprehensive recommendation plan has to be come up with besides improving the sales.

看完的感觉：语句觉得很别扭，也许和我惯用和惯看的语句有差别吧。而且有点抓词不抓逻辑点的感觉。要鼓励的话吗？:p不用我说了，估计会有人跳出来顶你扁我呢

supermaryUID：2110481

多谢多谢。我也觉得我写argument比issue还困难，一些地方常不能说的“一针见血”。
我完全接受你的评价，^_^， 不过我真的没有去说这个manager傻乎乎，呵呵。

改完了我会继续发上来的，多谢斧正。有贴必回，I owe you one. hehe

bigofferUID：2121480

：）不客气