argument117 迟来的作业，恳请指教

OceanDUID: 2118730

可能交的晚了点，还是希望得到大家的修改，谢谢:) 自认为自己这篇在逻辑方面写得不错，语言方面希望得到指教:handshake

Citing a survey that a growing number of work are taken home, the author suspect that if they increase the stocky of office machines and office supplies, their low sales record would changed greatly and their office-supply department would turn to the most profitable component of their stores. However, careful examination would reveal the conclusion is fallacious.

To begin with, the result of the survey is based on the opinion of respondents. We are not informed the respondent rate then the opinion of them may not exactly typify the whole sample. Even it can, we are not informed the volume of the sample. Moreover, we are not understood the career of the respondent. If most of them are teachers, writers or photographers, the increased work they bring home would not greatly affect their needs of office machines. Accordingly, I hold the belief that the survey is dubious at best.

Even the result of the survey indeed correctly reflects that trend, the action of Supplier department being taken may not effective either. Supplier department does not analyze the real reason of the low sales in the past years. If the reason is the higher supply and lower demand, the action may have some use. However, if it is just because the quality of its product or the attitude of the sellers, I think the action not only cannot improve Supplier department ’s sales but may probably increase the stock so that slow the circulation of the capital.

Moreover, even the reason is indeed higher supply and lower demand, the author does not point out the present stock that may be probably enough to meet the need of increased demand. It may just be an opportunity of Supplier department to dispose of the stock. Besides, the author does not know which kind of office supplies is needed. Not all people need copy machines or fax machines.

Finally, even the increased office machines and supplies can increase the sale of the Supplier department, the author still cannot be so sure that that department would be the most profitable component of their store. The author does not bring forward the achievements of other departments. It is entirely possible that other departments’ achievements are far better than Supplier department. Thus, even Supplier department do excellent this year, we cannot sure it must outweigh others. And we are not sure whether other departments have the same opportunity to increase their sales.

In conclusion, as mentioned above, the author is so irresponsible to conclude such conclusion based on an unpersuasive survey. To better persuade me, he or she should give me the survey including the numbers of people in this sample, their careers and whether they need the office supplies and what kind they need. Moreover, the author should give me the reason of the low sales in the past year and the gap between our department and others.

星星之火UID: 2107154

Citing a survey that a growing number of work are taken home, the author suspect that if they increase the stocky of office machines and office supplies, their low sales record would changed greatly and their office-supply department would turn to the most profitable component of their stores. However, careful examination would reveal the conclusion is fallacious.（很少见到这种不是模版的开头，很新颖）To begin with, the result of the survey is based on the opinion of respondents. We are not informed the respondent rate then the opinion of them may not exactly typify the whole sample. Even it can, we are not informed the volume of the sample. Moreover, we are not understood the career of the respondent（respondents）. If most of them are teachers, writers or photographers, the increased work they bring home would not greatly affect their needs of office machines. Accordingly, I hold the belief that the survey is dubious at best.

Even the result of the survey indeed correctly reflects that trend, the action of Supplier department being taken may not effective either. Supplier department does not analyze the real reason of the low sales in the past years. If the reason is the higher supply and lower demand, the action may have some use.(这个观点很新颖) However, if it is just because the quality of its product or the attitude of the sellers, I think the action not only cannot improve Supplier department ’s sales but may probably increase the stock so that slow the circulation of the capital.

Moreover, even the reason is indeed higher supply and lower demand, the author does not point out the present stock that may be probably enough to meet the need of increased demand. It may just be an opportunity of Supplier department to dispose of the stock. Besides, the author does not know which kind of office supplies is needed. Not all people need copy machines or fax machines.（这一段的观点似乎有点多，不够集中）
Finally, even the increased office machines and supplies can increase the sale of the Supplier department, the author still cannot be so sure that that department would be the most profitable component of their store. The author does not bring forward the achievements of other departments. It is entirely possible that other departments’ achievements are far better than Supplier department. Thus, even Supplier department do excellent this year, we cannot sure it must outweigh others. And we are not sure whether other departments have the same opportunity to increase their sales.

In conclusion, as mentioned above, the author is so irresponsible to conclude such conclusion based on an unpersuasive survey. To better persuade me, he or she should give me the survey including the numbers of people in this sample, their careers and whether they need the office supplies and what kind they need. Moreover, the author should give me the reason of the low sales in the past year and the gap between our department and others.

读完以后最大的一点感受就是感觉文章非常新颖，不拘于模版，让人眼前一亮。而且好多论点也非常新，逻辑错误照得也很充分。不知是不是在30分钟之内完成，如果是的话，我就是在挑不出其他的缺点来了。学习ing!!!
帮我指点一下吧！！https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=309843