argument117 第一篇argument, 请多指教，目标0829

夜一UID: 2130338

请多多指教，谢谢：）
ArgumentX 额外题库 第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：107分51秒     212 words
从2005年7月21日12时5分到2005年7月21日13时107分
------题目------
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'
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The manager assumes that he can make their office-supply departments the most profitable component of their stores with the changes he mentions, that is, to increase home office machines and office supplies according to the work-at-home trend showed by a recent survey. The manager's statements may sounds encouraging, yet I can hardly agree with his point of view. There are a number of mistakes in his memo.

Above all, it is obviously doubtful that the increase of work taking home from workplaces will cause a corresponding rise in the request of home office machines. Whether people work at home will need those machines largely depends on their jobs. Unfortunately, not all of us are born working with these machines. Some jobs, such as fixing radios, clocks, shoes, etc., simply do not need those modern machines. Needless to say, it is not necessary for workers in these areas to go to office-supply departments, and as a result, they are not likely to cause any changes to the request of home office machines. Besides, people who do use these machines in there daily life may not use them at home. They may only use pens and computers to have their work done, and use internet to send their results to workplaces. Such home office machines as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and tax machines, are also available at workplaces, so it is a question whether they have to buy them. These machines also have the greater disadvantage of being rather expensive for individuals.

Another problem is that the quality of the survey mentioned is not insured. How many people took part in that survey? The number of the respondents may be too small to indicate anything. How did the survey take place? It is misleading if it was only carry out for few days or at few places, for the results must be limited by certain time and certain places. We can not use uncertain survey to conclude that people do take more work home than ever before, which originally gives the manager hope to improve his sales.

Further more, the purpose of the manager is to improve sales in office-supply departments of Valu-Mart, however it remains a question whether that purpose can be attained by increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies. In fact, the causes of the unimpressive sales in those office-supply departments should be carefully examined. Does the situation really caused by lacking of home office machines or office supplies? The manager has never thought of it. The reasons for poor sales are various. Some stores may be located in places mainly living old people who do not have to work, for example, and others may face with powerful competitors. There can also be problems caused by managements. With the problems discussed above, it is hard for anyone to imagine good sales even after increasing stock of home office machines and office supplies.

There are still at least two more mistakes according to the manager's voice. First, even if his plan could produce some good results, it is unwise to carry out this plan at all Valu-Mart stores. We would prefer to, at least, have a look at the exact situation rather than act on impulse. Second, even if the sales were improved by his plan, no evidence can indicate that their office-supply department will become more profitable than any other departments of Valu-Mart stores. The manager's voice is too ambitious to believe.

As far as I have discussed, we can see that the manager's speaking is rather misleading and full of mistakes. We cannot be satisfied with his so-called reasons, or come to the final conclusion that their office-supply departments would become the most profitable component of their stores. The manager had better act more objective, and focus more on relative areas.

[ Last edited by 夜一 on 2005-8-21 at 19:29 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

这里是写作提纲：
开头：指出发言人有很多错误
论证：
1。假性因果：人们带回家的工作多了不一定导致家用办公设备的需求增加
（1）有的工作不需要这些设备
（2）即使有人平时会用到这些设备，他们不一定在家里用
（3）这些设备需要资金投入，个人不一定愿意
2。取样的问题：题中所作调查是有局限性的
（1）参加调查的人数，基数如果太小就不能说明任何问题
（2）调查的进行方式，最基本的如进行了多长时间，在哪些地方进行的
3。发言人的目的是要增加销售，但营业额不好不一定是因为商品种类的关系
（1）有可能是所选地点没有相应的消费者
（2）有可能遇到了强力的竞争对手
（3）有可能是部门内部的管理不好
如果是因为这些原因，那么改变商品的配置将是没有什么用处的，说不定还会导致更多的亏损
4。其他问题：
（1）在所有的V店推行同样的计划是不明智的
（2）即使销售业绩有所上升，没有理由相信一定会变成V店所有部门里最好的
结尾：总结以上问题，提出发言人还需要更加客观地看待问题，并且对相关的领域进行更多的调查

夜一UID: 2130338

比较汗。。这也是第一次限时写
居然又写了2个小时。。。
拿word查了一下，字数倒是有601
可是明显是因为自己写起来不顺手
明明平时都用到的词，到了写的时候就短路了
还需要多多练习阿

violayuanUID: 2125310

The manager's statements may sounds encouraging, yet I can hardly agree with his point of view. There are a number of mistakes in his memo.
Above all, it is obviously doubtful that the increase of work taking home from workplaces will cause a corresponding rise in the request of home office machines. Whether people work at home will need those machines largely depends on their jobs. Unfortunately, not all of us are born working with these machines. 这句怪怪的，个人认为最好不要。Some jobs, such as fixing radios, clocks, shoes, etc., simply do not need those modern machines. Needless to say, it is not necessary for workers in these areas to go to office-supply departments, and as a result, they won't likely 谓语动词呢？to cause any changes to the request of home office machines. Besides, people who do use these machines in there daily life may not use them at home. They may only use pens and computers to have their work done, and use internet to send their results to workplaces. Such home office machines as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and tax machines, are also available at workplaces, so it is a question whether they have to buy them.可有可无。段尾最好加一句总结：therefore,……
These machines also have the greater disadvantage of being rather expensive for individuals.Another problem is that the quality credibilityof the survey mentioned is not insured. How many people took part in that survey? The number of the respondents may be too small to indicate anything. How did the survey take place? It is misleading if it was only carry out for few days or at a few places, for the results must be limited by certain time and certain places. We can not use uncertain survey to conclude that people do take more work home than ever before, which originally gives the manager hope to improve his sales.有点跑题？换种表达方式观点会更清晰
Further more, the purpose of the manager is to improve sales in office-supply departments of Valu-Mart, however it remains a question whether that purpose can be attained by increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies. In fact, the causes of the unimpressive sales in those office-supply departments should be carefully examined. Does the situation really caused by lacking of home office machines or office supplies? The manager has never thought of it. The reasons for poor sales are various. Some stores may be located in places mainly living old people who do not have to work, for example, and others may face with powerful competitors. There can also be problems caused by managements.;)这段观点很新颖。 With the problems discussed above, it is hard for anyone to imagine good sales even after increasing stock of home office machines and office supplies. 结尾回到主题，很好。
There are still at least two more mistakes according to the manager's voice. First, even if his plan could produce some good results, it is unwise to carry out this plan at all Valu-Mart stores. We would prefer to, at least, have a look at the exact situation rather than act on impulse. Second, even if the sales were improved by his plan, no evidence can indicate that their office-supply department will become more profitable than any other departments of Valu-Mart stores.时间不够这段就算拉
As far as my discussion好怪的用法, we can see that the manager's speaking statement is rather misleading and full of mistakes. His reason cannot lead to his conclusion, for the work-at-home trend does not mean increasing request of home office machines. We cannot be satisfied with the survey itself either. Moreover, the manager's plan may have little to do with his problem of poor sales, and that his voice is too ambitious for us to believe. In sum, the manager should be more objective, and focus more on relative areas.感觉偏题了

我现在改自己的，一会儿传上来
呵呵欢迎再次猛拍，就像我拍你一样有力:D

by the way你的提纲很详尽
赞一个！

[ Last edited by violayuan on 2005-8-21 at 15:44 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

去国同主题回来，发觉自己想错了
决定把文章在修改一遍，主要是开头和最后一段

[ Last edited by 夜一 on 2005-8-21 at 15:29 ]

夜一UID: 2130338

Unfortunately, not all of us are born working with these machines. 这句怪怪的，个人认为最好不要。
这。。不会吧，偶自己认为这是本篇中最好的句子了。。。伤心。。
不过，谢谢提醒，我再仔细考虑一下
Needless to say, it is not necessary for workers in these areas to go to office-supply departments, and as a result, they won't likely 谓语动词呢？to cause any changes to the request of home office machines.
汗一个。。确实改了几遍都没有发现。。大谢
Besides, people who do use these machines in （there） daily life may not use them at home.
我个人认为 in daily life没什么不对啦，况且这个there。。。亚，请不要介意
段尾最好加一句总结：therefore,……
这个真好，谢谢啦
which originally gives the manager hope to improve his sales.有点跑题？换种表达方式观点会更清晰
嗯，我再想想，有没有更好的方法
As far as my discussion好怪的用法
诶。。看来还是换成 according to my discussion 比较正常一点
speaking （statement ）
我在想是不是用standpoint会比较好呢？可是写的时候就会短路。。
In sum, the manager should be more objective, and focus more on relative areas.感觉偏题了
说得不错，还是把 should 换成 had better 会比较好

夜一UID: 2130338

As far as my discussion好怪的用法
诶。。看来还是换成 according to my discussion 比较正常一点

还是用as far as i have discussed