argument2 求拍 内含自己修改与总结部分

lyniayanUID: 2164812

TOPIC: ARGUMENT2 - The following appeared in a letter sent by a committee of homeowners from the Deerhaven Acres to all homeowners in Deerhaven Acres.

"Seven years ago, homeowners in nearby Brookville community adopted a set of restrictions on how the community's yards should be landscaped and what colors the exteriors of homes should be painted. Since then, average property values have tripled in Brookville. In order to raise property values in Deerhaven Acres, we should adopt our own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting."
WORDS: 323          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2006-3-14

In the above argument , the arguer suggest all homeowners of the Deerhaven Acres adopted their own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting to raise the property values, which seems to be successful in nearby Brookville community. [It seems reasonable, but more things should be considered before the advice being brought to action.] /However, I think there are many obvious logic flaws in this argument/[ This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive[无说服力的] as it stands.][转折句型---While this argument has some merit, there are a few assumption that deserve attention.(也有一些假设值得注意)]
.   
Firstly/ [First of all], the argument makes a false analogy, it fails to provide any survey to make us [believe] that the cause-result [relationship] between the [restrictions] on [landscaping] and the economic development in nearby Brookville community./[ the situation is highly possible that, there is a correlation[相互关系, 相关(性)] rather than a cause-result relationship[因果关系] between the adoptions of restrictions and going-up of property values.] Judging from the arguer’s viewpoint从arguer的角度推测？, painting the same type of colors and use the definite landscape design may make the Brookville noticed被更加广泛关注？ by others much more. But it could hardly be the direct reason for the [raising] of the property values. Maybe the economics development comes from the new policy on the local commercial business and industry.
[Deerhaven Acres and Brookville might be also varies in many conditions, such as transport, educations, safety, and so on. The arguer did not supply any details in these aspects,…….]
[the restriction is possible not the true cause which results in the fact that…..]
[Consider such a circumstance: recent years the economic has been rising up so quickly that the purchase ability of people has correspondingly increased.]
Secondly/[Further more], with the coordinary landscape design and colors painting, the Deerhaven Acres may not get the property values raising for this kind of change needs much money itself, such as the design fees, the painting cost, the payment of the new gardeners and so on. The [affection] of this change will surely be a long time to show up, so it may could not get the hoping result of the arguer.很难取得预想的结果？/

Thirdly/[ Finally]/ [The last but not the least], the Brookville community is the first one that made such a outstanding change, and if Deerhaven copied the same way of change. Just judging from the design direction, I'm afraid it could not cause the same attention as the Brookville did. The first one that made a change always calls much more attention and becomes much more famous than the later ones./[ fashion]/ [it has been seven years since…]
[be the key reason to cause]/ [We cannot neglect that]/ [prefer a diverse exterior of home rather than…..]
To sum up, [before the conclusion to be drawn] I think the arguer fail to enumerate[列举] enough foundation to convince us with theconclusion. The Deerhaven Acres should make some other changes first if they want to get fast economic development instead of just making the landscaping and housepainting restrictions./[ I do not think the result will be satisfactory if the community put things as simple as in the argument.]

[ 本帖最后由 staralways 于 2006-3-15 00:01 编辑 ]

小桶UID: 2183657

In the above argument , the arguer suggest all homeowners of the Deerhaven Acres adopted their own set of restrictions on landscaping and housepainting to raise the property values, which seems to be successful in nearby Brookville community. [It seems reasonable, but more things should be considered before the advice being brought to action.] /However, I think there are many obvious logic flaws in this argument/[ This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive[无说服力的] as it stands.][转折句型---While this argument has some merit, there are a few assumption that deserve attention.(也有一些假设值得注意)].   
Firstly/ [First of all], the argument makes a false analogy, it fails to provide any survey to make us [believe] that the cause-result[causal relationship] [relationship] between the [restrictions] on [landscaping] and the economic development in nearby Brookville community[这句没说完]./[ the situation is highly possible that, there is [only]a correlation[相互关系, 相关(性)] rather than[but not] a cause-result relationship[因果关系]between the adoptions of restrictions and going-up of property values.] Judging from the arguer’s viewpoint从arguer的角度推测？, painting the same type of colors and use[using] the definite landscape design may make the Brookville noticed被更加广泛关注？ by others much more. [直接说be more attracted就行了]But it could hardly be the direct reason for the [raising] of the property values. Maybe the economics development comes from the new policy[什么样的政策] on the local commercial business and industry.
[本段论证没有力度，全文翻来覆去的说没有因果关系，但是没有论证为什么没有。其实可以多列举他因，甚至可以说restriction没有任何效果甚至有负作用，你的反驳的原因应该展开描述一下]
[Deerhaven Acres and Brookville might be also[also be] varies in many conditions, such as transport, educations, safety, and so on.[详细举其中几点描述，比如D公路发达，是交通枢纽，有大学城，而A又怎么怎么样，等等，] The arguer did not supply any details in these aspects,…….]
[the restriction is possible not the true cause which results in the fact that…..]
[Consider such a circumstance: recent years the economic has been rising up so quickly that the purchase ability of people has correspondingly increased.]
Secondly/[Further more], with the coordinary landscape design and colors painting, the Deerhaven Acres may not get the property values raising for this kind of change needs much money itself[表述不清，可以用as…as句型], such as the design fees, the painting cost, the payment of the new gardeners and so on. The [affection] of this change will surely be a long time to show up, so it may could[情态动词不能连用] not get the hoping result of the arguer.很难取得预想的结果？/

Thirdly/[ Finally]/ [The last but not the least], the Brookville community is the first one that made such a outstanding change, and if Deerhaven copied the same way of change.[本句没写完] Just judging from the design direction, I'm afraid it could not cause the same attention as the Brookville did. The first one that made a change always calls much more attention and becomes much more famous than the later ones.[这种理由力度不强，后来者也许参照了前者的经验，更容易获得成功呢]/[ fashion]/ [it has been seven years since…]
[be the key reason to cause]/ [We cannot neglect that]/ [prefer a diverse exterior of home rather than…..]
To sum up, [before the conclusion to be drawn] I think the arguer fail to enumerate[列举] enough foundation to convince us with theconclusion. The Deerhaven Acres should make some other changes first if they want to get fast economic development instead of just making the landscaping and housepainting restrictions./[ I do not think the result will be satisfactory if the community put things as simple as in the argument.]

攻击点之间没有建立良好的逻辑关联，每个攻击点没有充分展开说明，对于所举的原因、事例应该具体一些，不然也是“模糊数据”。句子结构不清晰，所以经常有错漏的，新东方的五部分造词法应该可以很快的解决你这个问题。还是要多写，多互相改。