argument147 FLY AW小组第一次作业 望拍砖!!!

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

147The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

正文：
   In this memo Whirlwind, a video games company, forecasts that in the next few months, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically because they has introduced several games provide lifelike graphics with an extensive advertising campaign. To support this forecast, the company cites a survey in which indicate that players are interested in that type of games. I find this argument logically unconvincing in several respects.
   First of all, over the past two years, the decline of the sales of Whirlwind video games are not due to the only one factor that Whirlwind were lack of games provided lifelike graphics. Perhaps some other factors such as the relocation of employee, the method of management, and the capital would affect the sale. In this complicated situation, just changing one factor can’t improve the sales.
   Secondly, even if lacking of games provided lifelike graphics is the major factor can affect the sale, the advertising campaign can promote the sale is suspicious. The memo contains no evidence to support this assumption. Perhaps the effect of the promoting is not good enough for the customers. Maybe the advertisements are not so attractive. Moreover, people want to get good things with sound quality.  Most of customers want to wait until the new product get recommendation from authority organizations. So they usually don’t buy new products immediately.
   Finally, the age-group from 10 to 25 years old, is most unlikely to buy video games. The new video games that provide lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. Because of that, the price of this type of games will be higher than that with low level of technology. This group people haven’t enough economic power and many years must pass before these youngsters will be old enough to make buying decisions when it comes to video games.
    In sum, the forecast relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must either strengthen the affect of advertising campaign to improve the relation between the advertisements and the sales, or to provide better evidence that the decline over the past two years mainly depended on the lacking of games that provide lifelike graphics.

提纲：
1．总体说明调查和销售量的提高没有必然联系。
2．详细阐述原因：
   1）造成以往销售量低的原因不仅包括调研出的逼真形象的电游，也许企业自身的经营包括管理，人员配置，资金和市场等没有因素没有整合好。如果仅仅改善这一因素，也许并不能提高销售额。
   2）Whirlwind公司的广告宣传活动的效果还值得推敲，如果效果不好，也不会提升销售的。而且还有一个时效问题，消费者持观望态度导致也许近几个月内不能见效。只有经受住市场检验的才是可以立足的。
   3）消费人群定位在10-25岁人群，这部分人群的经济大都尚未独立，尽管会比较偏好电玩，但还是没有充分足够的经济权和购物自主权。
3．综上所述，由于调查得出的只要推广具有逼真效果的游戏就能提高Whirlwind公司的销售量是有失偏颇的，从广告或销售降低原因两处加以补充说明。

[ 本帖最后由 honeyviola 于 2006-5-18 23:39 编辑 ]

11yaoyaoUID: 177037

楼主你的发贴格式不对，对照精华里ＮＥＥＤＬＥ斑竹的发贴格式，把自己的标题改一下好么？

penghandieUID: 2202148

有意加入小组吗？

exp03UID: 2158827

In this memo Whirlwind, a video games company, forecasts that in the next few months, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically because they has introduced several games provide lifelike graphics with an extensive advertising campaign. To support this forecast, the company cites a survey in which indicate that players are interested in that type of games. I find this argument logically unconvincing in several respects.
   First of all, over the past two years, the decline of the sales of Whirlwind video games are not due to the only one factor that Whirlwind were lack(动词用法不对) of games provided lifelike graphics. Perhaps some other factors such as the relocation of employee, the method of management, and the capital would affect the sale. In this(such a 更好感觉) complicated situation, just changing one factor can’t improve the sales.
   Secondly, even if lacking of games provided lifelike graphics is the major factor can affect the sale, the advertising campaign can promote the sale is suspicious. The memo contains no evidence to support this assumption. Perhaps the effect of the promoting is not good enough for the customers. Maybe the advertisements are not so attractive. Moreover, people want to get good things with sound quality.  Most of customers want to wait until the new product get recommendation from authority organizations. So they usually don’t buy new products immediately.
   Finally, the age-group from 10 to 25 years old,不该在这里加逗号或者from前必须加逗号 is most unlikely to buy video games. The new video games that provide lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. Because of that, the price of this type of games will be higher than that with low level of technology.两句话可合成一句以形成复杂句 This group people haven’t have no enough economic power and many years must pass before these youngsters will be old enough to make buying decisions when it comes to video games. 这个从句在这里的意思没看懂…
    In sum, the forecast relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must either strengthen the affect of advertising campaign to improve the relation between the advertisements and the sales, or to provide better evidence that the decline over the past two years mainly depended on the lacking of games that provide lifelike graphics.
总的来说很不错,其他小的攻击点也可集合起来再说一段.

exp03UID: 2158827

妮妮注意标题格式
argument147 后面的随便写:)
比如:argument147 FLY AW小组第一次作业 望拍砖!!!

风中尘埃UID: 164965

In this memo[需要加个逗号么？] Whirlwind, a video games company, forecasts that in the next few months, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically because they has[have] introduced several games provide lifelike graphics with an extensive advertising campaign. To support this forecast, the company cites a survey in[不需要in吧] which indicate that players are interested in that[指代不清楚] type of games. I find this argument logically unconvincing in several respects[aspects吧。另外，这种论述文中，I find 这种句子好像不太formal].
   First of all, over the past two years, the decline of the sales of Whirlwind video games are[is？] not due to the only one factor that Whirlwind were lack of games provided[这里不要用被动。这句话总觉得不太好，也不知道怎么下手改] lifelike graphics. Perhaps some other factors such as the relocation of employee, the method of management, and the capital would affect the sale. In this complicated situation, just changing one factor can’t[太过肯定，may not之类比较好吧？] improve the sales.
   Secondly, even if lacking of games provided lifelike graphics is the major factor can affect the sale, the advertising campaign can promote the sale is suspicious. The memo contains no evidence to support this assumption. Perhaps the effect of the promoting is not good enough for the customers. Maybe the advertisements are not so attractive.[这两句话没表达清楚] Moreover, people want to get good things with sound quality.  Most of customers want to wait until the new product get recommendation from authority organizations. So they usually don’t buy new products immediately.
   Finally, the age-group from 10 to 25 years old, is most unlikely to buy video games[这句话太肯定了，ets肯定不喜欢]. The new video games that provide lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers. Because of that, the price of this type of games will be higher than that with low level of technology[还是太肯定了，应该用推论性的语气]. This group people haven’t enough economic power and many years must pass before these youngsters will be old enough to make buying decisions when it comes to video games.
    In sum, the forecast relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must either strengthen the affect of advertising campaign to improve the relation between the advertisements and the sales, or to provide better evidence that the decline over the past two years mainly depended on the lacking of games that provide lifelike graphics.
[总体上说，逻辑还比较顺，但是语言方面，特别是喜欢用过于肯定的语气这一点，需要改改，不然ets不会喜欢的。句子语法上还是比较松散的，多背背孙远工具箱上的句子可能会好一点（汗，我自己也在背）。可以去看看夜一给exp改的那篇，逻辑上说得比较到位。]

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

谢谢大家的支持和帮助，格式经过组长的提示， 清楚多了，昨天写的比较晚了，就怕发晚了，忽略了格式。下次肯定会注意的。风中尘埃和组长的建议我会记住的，希望每次习作都能有所进步。对了，孙远的工具箱很好吗？ 我的语言表达不太好，挺想提高的，但是不知道用那本书，还望大家帮帮忙。

[ 本帖最后由 honeyviola 于 2006-5-18 23:42 编辑 ]

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

谢谢大家的帮助，修改了一遍，知道了差距，以后要多加学习，更加努力！
   In this memo Whirlwind a video games company, forecasts that in the next few months, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically because they have introduced several games provide lifelike graphics with an extensive advertising campaign. To support this forecast, the company cites a survey which indicates that players are interested in the games provide lifelike graphics. This argument is logically unconvincing in several aspects.
   First of all, over the past two years, the decline of the sales of Whirlwind video games is not due to the only one factor that Whirlwind was lacking of lifelike graphics games. Perhaps some other factors such as the relocation of employee, the method of management, and the capital would affect the sale. In such a complicated situation, just changing one factor may not improve the sales.
   Secondly, even if lacking of games provided lifelike graphics is the major factor can affect the sale, the advertising campaign can promote the sale is suspicious. The memo contains no evidence to support this assumption. Perhaps the effect of the promoting is not good enough to attract customers. Moreover, people want to get good things with sound quality.  Most of customers want to wait until the new product get recommendation from authority organizations. So they usually don’t buy new products immediately.
   Finally, the age-group from 10 to 25 years old may unlikely to buy video games. The new video games that provide lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers which may cause the price of this type of games will be higher than that with low level of technology. This group people haven’t enough economic power and many years must pass before they will make buying decisions.
    In sum, the forecast relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must either strengthen the affect of advertising campaign to improve the relation between the advertisements and the sales, or to provide better evidence that the decline over the past two years mainly depended on the lacking of games that provide lifelike graphics.

exp03UID: 2158827

我也准备背孙远工具箱，里面包括句子和资料，就是背起来会很困难，对我来说。
妮妮自己修改的文章似乎还没交……

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

上贴就是，是不是不合要求呢

exp03UID: 2158827

我发的时候没看到,不好意思,和要求了的,澄~清有点事我先帮你改.

exp03UID: 2158827

In this memo Whirlwind a video games company, forecasts that in the next few months, the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically because they have introduced several games provide lifelike graphics with an extensive advertising campaign. To support this forecast, the company cites a survey which indicates that players are interested in the games provide lifelike graphics. This argument is logically unconvincing in several aspects.
第一句的语法好像有点问题
   First of all, over the past two years, the decline of the sales of Whirlwind video games is not due to the only one factor that Whirlwind was lacking of lifelike graphics games. Perhaps some other factors such as the relocation of employee, the method of management, and the capital would affect the sale. In such a complicated situation, just changing one factor may not improve the sales.
这段的第一句和第三句意思完全重复而且用词也都差不多
   Secondly, even if lacking of games provided lifelike graphics is the major factor can affect the sale, the advertising campaign can promote the sale is suspicious.语法有问题,主句分句都是两个动词The memo contains no evidence to support this assumption. Perhaps the effect of the promoting is not good enough to attract customers. Moreover, people want to get good things with sound quality.  Most of customers want to wait until the new product get recommendation from authority organizations. So they usually don’t buy new products immediately.
这种举例的说法不全面也很突兀应该说例如什么什么,如果只是音质和顾客会等打折的问题那么你和作者就有了同样的逻辑错误,只是片面考虑问题.
   Finally, the age-group from 10 to 25 years old may unlikely to buy video games. The new video games that provide lifelike graphics require the most up-to-date computers which may cause the price of this type of games will be higher than that with low level of technology. This group people haven’t enough economic power and many years must pass before they will make buying decisions.
这段只说了一个方面,还有广告对这些年轻人到底有没有作用的一方面.如果有效在讨论他们是否买得起这个方面.这段主题句太平淡.
    In sum, the forecast relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen it the author must either strengthen the affect of advertising campaign to improve the relation between the advertisements and the sales, or to provide better evidence that the decline over the past two years mainly depended on the lacking of games that provide lifelike graphics.

我们俩都有同样的问题,范文看得少写得少,需要多看多背一些优秀范文,加强词汇句式和分析方式的练习.

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

谢谢组长的批评，我也觉得没有什么内容，句子也不是很漂亮，以后学习中改进吧。希望组长可以带领大家一起学些句式或者交流学后体会，还有素材积累。看了夜一的第二次作业，写的很好。感想很多的。