argument147 FLY AW小组第一次作业

澄～清UID: 2215483

The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the last two years, a recent survey of video- game  players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide the lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age group most likely to play the video games. It follows then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.



The authors of the editorial asserts that the sale of the Whirlwind video games would probably get rid of the swamp of last two years and experience the success in the next few months. To support this conclusion, the editorial offers two arguments, the survey based on the video game enthusiasts and the new business strategies of the Whirlwind Company. Careful scrutiny of the editorial reveals numerous problems that render author’s prediction untenable.

A threshold problem is the survey that the author cites might be unreliable in three respects. First, the author fails to assure us the survey’s respondents are representative of all video game players. Second, it seems that only one result which is relevant to the Whirlwind video games is presented by author, but others are hided. Any successful video game might have several features preferred by different player, it is doubted that the author deliberately emphasize only one aspect. Third, the editorial provides no information about the process of the survey which is significant to warrant the accuracy of the survey. Lacking evidence that the survey is reliable, the author cannot reasonably rely on the survey in recommending that the sales of the games will increase.

Even if the authenticity of survey could be confirmed, the mere fact that players prefer games that offer vivid graphics is still insufficient evidence to guarantee the increasing sales of the video games. As we known, a prosperous computer game should satisfy the needs and preferences of the players in various aspects, except the graphics, including the controllability, the music, the price, and the attractive story in the games. It is entirely possible that the factors such as high pricing, poor stories, or the wrong distribution and retailing strategies block the sale of the game. The author does not refer to the rivals of the Whirlwind video games as well, and the strong competitor could also bring the death warrant to the Whirlwind’s products. Without ruling out these possibilities, the augur can not predict the success of Whirlwind video games.

The editorial points out two-year decline of video game sales, but does not analyze the reasons of it, only simplifying it to the advertising campaign and the pictures of products. Ignoring the real factors giving rise to the problems, how could solve them correctly? Even if the advertising strategy is the suitable way, the argument based on the assumption that the Whirlwind’s games cater to the 10~25 years old players and they are afford to buy it, which is not always the case.

On balance, as it stands, the argument is unfounded, to strength it the author must provide the evidence that the game enthusiasts are interested in the Whirlwind’s video games, not others. Furthermore, the arguer should analyze the reasons of the sales decline, the competition of the new products and offer the entire inclination of game enthusiast.

exp03UID: 2158827

怎么没人改？

honeyviolaUID: 2199703

抱歉澄清，组长，我回来晚了。我还想确认一下，我们什么时候提交修改对方的文章呢，是晚上6点前吗？谢谢！
给澄清一个小建议，下次把提纲副上，这样就看的方便些了。

The authors of the editorial asserts that the sale of the Whirlwind video games would probably get rid of the swamp of last two years and experience the success in the next few months. To support this conclusion, the editorial offers two arguments, the survey based on the video game enthusiasts and the new business strategies of the Whirlwind Company. Careful scrutiny of the editorial reveals numerous problems that render author’s prediction untenable.

A threshold problem is the survey that the author cites might be unreliable in three respects. First, the author fails to assure us the survey’s respondents are representative of all video game players. Second, it seems that only one result which is relevant to the Whirlwind video games is presented by author, but others are hided. Any successful video game might have several features preferred by different player, it is doubted that the author deliberately emphasize on only one aspect. Third, the editorial provides no information about the process of the survey which is significant to warrant the accuracy of the survey. Lacking evidence that the survey is reliable, the author cannot reasonably rely on the survey in recommending that the sales of the games will increase.can是否有些肯定的成分比较大

Even if the authenticity of survey could be confirmed, the mere fact that players prefer games that offer vivid graphics is a still insufficient evidence to guarantee the increasing sales of the video games. As we known, a prosperous computer game should satisfy the needs and preferences of the players in various aspects（可以把ASPECT具体化，变成 in its 。。。把including后面的加入）except the graphics（可以提前到AS WE KNOW的后面）, including  the controllability, the music, the price, and the attractive story in the games. It is entirely possible that the factors such as high pricing, poor stories, or the wrong distribution and retailing strategies block the sale of the game. The author does not refer to the rivals of the Whirlwind video games as well, and the strong competitor could also bring the death warrant to the Whirlwind’s products. Without ruling out these possibilities, the augur can not predict the success of Whirlwind video games.

The editorial points out two-year decline of video game sales, but does not analyze the reasons of it, only simplifying it to the advertising campaign and the pictures of products. Ignoring the real factors giving rise to the problems, how could solve them correctly? Even if the advertising strategy is the suitable way, the argument based on the assumption that the Whirlwind’s games cater to the 10~25 years old players and they are afford to buy it, which is not always the case.

On balance, as it stands, the argument is unfounded, to strength it the author must provide the evidence that the game enthusiasts are interested in the Whirlwind’s video games, not others. 看前面的问题，首先讲述了调查的缺陷，因此这里的改进是否要呼应前面的，就是把调查的问题解决。Furthermore, the arguer should analyze the reasons of the sales decline, the competition of the new products and offer the entire inclination of game enthusiast.

     语句流畅，内容充实，我也在学习你的文章，挺好的。以后等我多加联系后会有更多的想法的。希望大家共同进步！:D

[ 本帖最后由 honeyviola 于 2006-5-19 10:41 编辑 ]

exp03UID: 2158827

你还没交改过的作业哈

exp03UID: 2158827

The authors of the editorial asserts that the sale of the Whirlwind video games would probably get rid of the swamp of last two years and experience the success in the next few months. To support this conclusion, the editorial offers two arguments, the survey based on the video game enthusiasts and the new business strategies of the Whirlwind Company. Careful scrutiny of the editorial reveals numerous problems that render author’s prediction untenable.

A threshold problem is the survey that the author cites might be unreliable in three respects. First, the author fails to assure us the survey’s respondents are representative of all video game players. Second, it seems that only one result which is relevant to the Whirlwind video games is presented by author, but others are hided. Any successful video game might have several features preferred by different player, it is doubted that the author deliberately emphasize only one aspect. Third, the editorial provides no information about the process of the survey which is significant to warrant the accuracy of the survey. Lacking evidence that the survey is reliable, the author cannot reasonably rely on the survey in recommending that the sales of the games will increase.

Even if the authenticity of survey could be confirmed, the mere fact that players prefer games that offer vivid graphics is still insufficient evidence to guarantee the increasing sales of the video games. As we known, a prosperous computer game should satisfy the needs and preferences of the players in various aspects, except the graphics, including the controllability, the music, the price, and the attractive story in the games. It is entirely possible that the factors such as high pricing, poor stories, or the wrong distribution and retailing strategies block the sale of the game. The author does not refer to the rivals of the Whirlwind video games as well, and the strong competitor could also bring the death warrant to the Whirlwind’s products. Without ruling out these possibilities, the augur can not predict the success of Whirlwind video games.

The editorial points out two-year decline of video game sales, but does not analyze the reasons of it, only simplifying it to the advertising campaign and the pictures of products. Ignoring the real factors giving rise to the problems, how could solve them correctly? Even if the advertising strategy is the suitable way, the argument based on the assumption that the Whirlwind’s games cater to the 10~25 years old players and they are afford to buy it, which is not always the case.

On balance, as it stands, the argument is unfounded, to strength it the author must provide the evidence that the game enthusiasts are interested in the Whirlwind’s video games, not others. Furthermore, the arguer should analyze the reasons of the sales decline, the competition of the new products and offer the entire inclination of game enthusiast.
478字
句子很长,句式很好,用词很复杂(好些我都不认识…有可能因为我水平…弱)
攻击点很明确:
1.        survey中存在的问题
2.        单纯指出生动画面的重要性太片面
3.        游戏卖的不好的原因没分析清
似乎这样来写感觉更全面,条理更清楚
要及时交作业!

夜一UID: 2130338

在exp03的强烈推荐下，拜读了楼住的文章，果然名不虚传的说：）
尤其是开头和结尾，简明而有分量，像我这种对开头和结尾最头痛的人最应该学习了~

flycc28UID: 2164453

LZ的好文看晚了 汗...
除了大家说的好之外，我最欠缺的已点就是 句子到位～