Argument147 FLY AW小组第一次作业 修改后

flycc28UID: 2164453

首先向组长和夜一还有zqzned同学道歉，犹豫本人的懒惰，第一次作业就交晚了。给大家造成了麻烦，见谅。

这是我的处女作，光审题就用了20分钟，刚才写完发现用了快100分钟...汗

不过好在第一篇终于诞生了，希望大家使劲的拍用力的拍，我会更努力的。

字数404
1.the survey lacks the statistics from the specifical group
2.up-to-date computers will bring the cost spent on game explore.
3.the extensive advertising campaign can't leads increase directly .

In this argument this speaker assumes the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months relies on the recent survey from video-game players. To support his assumption, the arguer cited the following facts which will leads to the sale increase.(1)the survey is convincing and representative.(2) the survey indicates that games providing lifelike graphics will attract consumers with the help of most up-to-date computers which can make the lifelike graphics easily without difficulty.(3)an extensive advertising campaign introduced are to get in purchasing. Close scrutiny of each of the facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the assumption.

First, the survey of video-game players is not representative. It lack the statistics from the specific group which can represent the potential buyers. Players who had been asked only considered the several quality that affected themselves after playing the games for a period of time. which is different from the points the future buyers care. For the players played the whirlwind video game for one year, what affected them most are something about the qualities such as lifelike graphics instead of the relevant story about the game or the music accompanied with the game. It doesn't aim at specific groups, which, make the survey unconvincing.

Secondly, even if games that provide lifelike graphics are most attractive, that is not to say ,relevant games can be produced promptly without difficulty. Up-to-date computers are essentially required for the production of lifelike graphic games. It will no doubtly increase the cost of game production, then the higher saling prices become an important element to prevent the purchasing of the new product. At the same time, the production of games with lifelike graphic using the up-to-date computers will inevitablely limited by the technology of making graphics and other factors like: the level of relevant software of making games.

Thirdly, the fact that an extensive advertising campaign at people 10 to 25 years old will bring them to purchasing is rootless. The fact relied on two additional assumptions:1 the potential buyers will watch the advertisement.2 the game lovers who see the ad can afford themselves. However, more details are need to suffice them.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster it, the speaker must provide more specific statistics to enhance the survey. And consider more relevant factors that may influence the purchasing.

[ 本帖最后由 flycc28 于 2006-5-19 21:25 编辑 ]

zqznedUID: 2114587

In this argument this speaker assumes the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months relies on the recent survey from video-game players. To support his assumption, the arguer cited the following facts which will leads to the sale increase.(1)the survey is convincing and representative.(2) the survey indicates that games providing lifelike graphics will attract consumers with the help of most up-to-date computers which can make the lifelike graphics easily without difficulty.(3)an extensive advertising campaign introduced are to get in purchasing. Close scrutiny of each of the facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the assumption.

First, the survey of video-game players is not representative. It lacks the statistics from the specific group which can represent the potential buyers. Players who had been asked only considered the several qualities that affected themselves after playing the games for a period of time. which are different from the points the future buyers care. For the players played the whirlwind video game for one year, what affected them most are something about the qualities such as lifelike graphics instead of the relevant story about the game or the music accompanied with the game. It doesn't aim at specific groups, which, make the survey unconvincing.

Secondly, even if games that provide lifelike graphics are most attractive, that is not to say ,relevant games can be produced promptly without difficulty. Up-to-date computers are essentially required for the production of lifelike graphic games. It will no doubtly increase the cost of game production, then the higher saling prices become an important element to prevent the purchasing of the new product. At the same time, the production of games with lifelike graphic using the up-to-date computers will inevitablely be limited by the technology of making graphics and other factors like: the level of relevant software of making games.

Thirdly, the fact that an extensive advertising campaign at people 10 to 25 years old will bring them to purchasing is rootless.(很别扭） The fact relied on two additional assumptions:1 the potential buyers will watch the advertisement.2 the game lovers who see the ad can afford themselves. However, more details are need to suffice them.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster it, the speaker must provide more specific statistics to enhance the survey. And consider more relevant factors that may influence the purchasing.
语法错误很多，可以先检查一遍。感觉第一段那么写不知道行不行，大家说一说。
我觉得有的应该展开一些。比如第三段。
理由还可以。条理蛮清晰的。

zqznedUID: 2114587

时间慢慢就会好的，我现在也是不快啊！

flycc28UID: 2164453

其实第一段我也不太确信 ...

语法错误还真没注意 汗

我现在先改你的作文 一会再来看

夜一UID: 2130338

In this argument this speaker assumes the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months relies on the recent survey from video-game players. To support his assumption, the arguer cited the following facts which will leads to the sale increase.(1)the survey is convincing and representative.(2) the survey indicates that games providing lifelike graphics will attract consumers with the help of most up-to-date computers which can make the lifelike graphics easily without difficulty.(3)an extensive advertising campaign introduced are to get in purchasing. Close scrutiny of each of the facts, however, reveals that none of them lend credible support to the assumption.GT精华区里，argument专题系列中有一篇专门讨论了是否要restate原题，答案是基本否定的，主要有两个原因：一是占用大量的考试时间，使得后面的论述得不到充分的发展；二是从ETS的评语中可以看到，ETS并不欣赏这种方式，虽然不排斥，但也从来没有肯定过。所以，为了把时间省下来，开头要相应的简单一点。看这篇文的时候，感觉很明显，开头一大段，远远超过任何一个论述段的长度，这是比较不科学的。

First, the survey of video-game players is not representative.关于论述段的主题句，一定要漂亮，这个我在exp03的文里已经详细说过了，为了节省时间，就不再重复了 It lack the statistics from the specific group which can represent the potential buyers. Players who had been asked only considered the several quality that affected themselves after playing the games for a period of time. which is different from the points the future buyers care. For the players played the whirlwind video game for one year, what affected them most are something about the qualities such as lifelike graphics instead of the relevant story about the game or the music accompanied with the game. It doesn't aim at specific groups, which, make the survey unconvincing.这个。。明显的审题不清，尤其是红色的部分，跟原题没有什么联系阿，那个调查既非那家公司做的，也非针对那家公司的顾客。非红色的部分，也没有论述到问题的症结所在，还是请再多审题吧，不用担心，当年我第一篇argument，审了2个小时才动笔

Secondly, even if games that provide lifelike graphics are most attractive, that is not to say ,relevant games can be produced promptly without difficulty. Up-to-date computers are essentially required for the production of lifelike graphic games. It will no doubtly increase the cost of game production, then the higher saling prices become an important element to prevent the purchasing of the new product. At the same time, the production of games with lifelike graphic using the up-to-date computers will inevitablely limited by the technology of making graphics and other factors like: the level of relevant software of making games.

Thirdly, the fact that an extensive advertising campaign at people 10 to 25 years old will bring them to purchasing is rootless. The fact relied on two additional assumptions:1 the potential buyers will watch the advertisement.2 the game lovers who see the ad can afford themselves. However, more details are need to suffice them.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster it, the speaker must provide more specific statistics to enhance the survey. And consider more relevant factors that may influence the purchasing.

后面的几个论述段，就不一一细说了，主要问题在于，没有针对主要的逻辑漏洞进行攻击。关于这篇题目的逻辑构造，我已经载exp03的文中写好了，如果不嫌弃的话，楼主可以参考一下，关于这篇文章怎样破题。另外精华区中有很多好东西，楼主有空时可以仔细研读，一定会有所帮助的。：）

exp03UID: 2158827

你还没交改过的作业

flycc28UID: 2164453

马上....

flycc28UID: 2164453

Argument 147
------题目------
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

―――正文―――
In the editorial the business magazine asserts that the sales of whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months relies on the recent survey from video-game players and Whirlwind recent activities. However neither the former nor the latter can powerfully support this point of view.

First of all, the survey of video-game players is not representative. It lacks the statistics from the specific group which can reflect the desire of the potential buyers. Players who had been surveyed above are only one part of the customers. What’s more, there are no necessary relationship between the lifelike graphics and the video game sales. Although the survey expresses that people prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, that’s not to say, this is the only one factor that leads to their buying. Generally, attributes such as price, package, advertising as well as music along with the games will influence the potential customer when they make their decision. Without the other factors, the games will not win a good market in spite of good lifelike graphics.

Secondly, even if games that provide lifelike graphics are most attractive, it can hardly explain that people 10 to 25 years old are likely to buy them. No evidences indicate that the age-group of 10-25 care much about the factors like lifelike graphics. They are not the group who take part in the survey. In addition, the Whirlwind's extensive advertising campaign can’t be efficient if the members are not from 10 to 25. Moreover, this group can’t afford themselves, so whether they will purchase them are determined by their parents.

Thirdly, there are not sufficient information to support that the declination of the Whirlwind video games are due to some form of the product. The company may not have a efficient control on the cost of production, or they drop behind the competitive opponent who win the considerably market. If the style is not the main problem whirlwind meet, the sale declination won’t be revised.  

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster it, the speaker must provide more specific statistics to enhance the survey. And consider more relevant factors that may influence the purchasing.

原来的文章逻辑比较混乱 甚至发现连题目都没有审清

学习了夜一的文章后 启发很大 参考很多...

夜一UID: 2130338

嗯，这次的清楚多了，文笔也变得流畅了，不错的文章的说
不过，第四段的 a efficient control 这样的语法错误要多注意哦，不然很划不来的：）

flycc28UID: 2164453

恩 谢谢夜一  

发现你给在exp03那儿推荐的分析方法很受用  在哪儿学的 ？呵呵