argument53 同主题写作 拍砖吧！

geniegoUID: 201395

[题目]
53.Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

提纲：
1结论夸大了研究结果，研究中只提到这些婴儿是在早秋conceived，而早秋褪黑素在母体增加。但结论在时间范围上延长到了整个怀孕期，褪黑素的增加都会起作用。
2文章中没有提供明确的信息证明褪黑素与婴儿紧张的关系。他因指出这些婴儿应在是在相邻的一两年conceied,所以不能排除环境因素。
3第二个结论，成长中的外因影响。因为这些孩子是被跟踪调查，以前的调查对他们有心理暗示作用

This argument is not cogent because its conclusion is not well supported by its evidence which could only conclude a conclusion more limited.

Author stated his conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness, but in fact there is an obvious logical fault. In this conclusion, the time the arguer gives is before birth, but what the research indicates is that these babies have been more conceived in early autumn when the production of melatonin increases. In this research, melatonin increased when mothers conceived, making infants show distress, could not present increased levels of melatonin during the whole pregnant time. Because as we count common pregnant time as 10 moths, there will be about 80% mothers who will experience early autumn when they are in family way, and that is to mean about 80% percent babies would be shy. In this way, the research would be a fault, because in this world, 80% babies are shy.  

However, a key problem still exist in the statement that, in the whole research, there is no accurate information that could prove how melatonin effects and whether the relationship of melatonin and babies could imply such causation. What we can get from the statement of the function of melatonin is only that affect some brain functions. But what is the exact effects, do they really have something to do with distress or some other symptoms else? And we know nothing about other hormones which may in fact work increased in early autumn from the passage. What is more, all these babies were conceived in about two neighboring years, maybe the environment in those years have some effects, for example, some chemical materials high in the content or water.

Even if we concede the increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy, the follow-up study still can not necessarily indicate that the shyness continues into later life. Because this study is a follow-up study, these children may have been told the result they presented when they are infants. That would be a bad psychological hint during their growing time, and we all have the similar experiences in our daily life. What is more, the author failed to provide the growing environment of those teenagers, so during these 10 years, there are too many external elements to affect the character formation.

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[ 本帖最后由 geniego 于 2006-7-21 19:52 编辑 ]

pewcg8UID: 2143213

This argument is not cogent because its conclusion is not well supported by its evidence(这里边是不是应该使用复数?因为原文不止一个证据吧?经过我查字典,发现有evidences的说法,所以这里建议改了) which could only conclude a conclusion more limited.(more 显得多余了,可以用quite吧?)
(开头段显得不太饱满,但是这两个句子都是好句子,我觉得还是简要的复述一下原题比较好.否则这两个句子放在任何一篇A里边都可以作为开头)

Author(这里加个the,这个在无数的范文中都是the author和in the argument所以这两处注意一下吧) stated his conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness, but in fact there is an obvious logical fault. In this conclusion, the time the arguer gives is before birth,(前面这句写的有点拗口) but what the research indicates is that these babies have been more conceived in early autumn when the production of melatonin increases. In this research, melatonin increased when mothers conceived, making infants show distress, could not present increased levels of melatonin during the whole pregnant time. Because as we count common pregnant time as 10 moths, there will be about 80% mothers who will experience early autumn when they are in family way, and that is to mean about 80% percent babies would be shy. In this way, the research would be a fault, because in this world, 80% babies are shy. (在这里的攻击我质疑你一下啊,你注意作者的意思是在怀孕的早期,其实没有说整个的怀孕的全过程,这个应该是个默认的前提吧?不过其实作者这里也没有说明白,攻击是可以，但是显得不是那么主要的错误吧?个人的看法)
(其实你这里换个角度说可能更好,就质疑25个infant的样本是否足够大,再把你说的这一点包含进去,可能更好点)
可以看出,本段着重攻击的是13年前的那个study,主要是质疑是不是melatonin是影响婴儿的因素.

However, (我觉得用moreover, what is more, in addition......好点,用however,总觉得过度不自然)a key problem still exist in the statement that, in the whole research, there is no accurate information that could prove how melatonin effects and whether the relationship of melatonin and babies could imply such causation. (这个点攻击的好,开始这句就直接指出了作者的致命问题!)What we can get(改成receive好点吧) from the statement of the function of melatonin is only that affect some brain functions. But what is the exact effects, do they really have something to do with distress or some other symptoms else? And we know nothing about other hormones which may in fact work increased in early autumn from the passage. (这点也找的很好,从melatonin本身,和其他的hormone两方面来分析,非常好!)What is more, all these babies were conceived in about two neighboring years, maybe the environment in those years have some effects, (这点也是非常好的一点!)for example, some chemical materials high in the content or water.(觉得再来一句总结一下你刚才攻击的忽略他因这个错误比较好一点,也便于过度)
相比而言,本段写的很精彩,主要分析一个错误,简略说明两个其他错误,这是ETS很欣赏的方式,具体你可以看看那个six month ago的关于车速和交通事故的ETS主题范文,它的第二正文段就是这样写的.

Even if we concede the increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy, the follow-up study still can not necessarily indicate that the shyness continues into later life. (这句表明开始攻击下一个调查了)Because this study is a follow-up study,(重复了,应该换种说法) these children may have been told the result they presented when they are infants. That would be a bad psychological hint(提出了心理暗示的问题) during their growing time, and we all have the similar experiences in our daily life. What is more, the author failed to provide the growing environment of those teenagers, so during these 10 years, there are too many external elements to affect the character formation. (觉得这里写的很好，应该继续下去啊,再收个尾就比较好了)

总的感觉:
1.思路刚开始比较乱,后两段就写的很清楚,特别是倒数第二段,考试的时候都写成那种水平就怎么都至少5分了.
2.开头和结尾不全,觉得结构应该再完整点,切记段落的结束应该有总结,哪怕不是总结全段,至少总结上一个点
3.语言有一些小问题,用法上注意冠词the的问题,同时注意语言再润色一下,不要把句子写的很拗口,同时减少对原文的复述.