Argument53【越洋农场战队】作文（第8周）－hanyuan，欢迎拍砖！

hanyuanUID: 2219299

In this argument, the author suggest that increased levels of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-before birth is the reason to cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support his claim, the author mainly based on two study of a group of 25 people-one time in their infant stage and another in their teenager stage to show that the shyness of these 25 people is due to the substance mentioned above. The argument is problematic in several key aspects, which render it unpersuasive.

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that melatonin can cause shyness of infants. The author provides no detailed evidence of this hormone on its function, object, and function fashion. The mere fact that this hormone known to affect some brain functions is far from enough to support it would affect a person's shyness, let alone the infants' shyness. It is entirely possible that this hormone can promote and excite human's brain and lead to happiness. Or perhaps it only affects the mothers' brain function. Without the further evidence to support the hormone has a restraining function toward the infants, we can hardly draw any conclusion.

Secondly, the author provides no assurances that the study on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. Unless the survey's respondents are representative of the overall, and the number is statistically sufficient the author cannot rely on it to predict the possible cause of this shyness. Obviously, the 25 infants mentioned in the argument are not sufficient at all to constitute a statically reliable study.

Thirdly, in the two studies, the author gratuitously assumes what the unfamiliar stimuli caused is mild stress, since the author provides nothing about the extent of the stimuli. Maybe the stimuli caused the infants physically comfortlessness. And the author provides nothing about the growing environment of the infants. It is much entirely possible that the living environment contributes more to the development of shyness.

The last problem with the author is that he concludes that this hormone can contribute to later life of the infants. According to our common sense, lots of factors other than genetics factor would contributes to the development of a child characteristic, let alone the merely one hormone levels of mothers. Acquired living conditions and growing experience would possibly contribute more to a child’s characteristic. Without the information about the growing conditions about all the children and the comparison among other children we cannot concludes too hastily to say what the cause of the shyness is.

To the sum, the author’s conclusion is unpersuasive. He purposed on persuading us to believe that the hormone is the cause of shyness not only to the infants but also would contribute into later time. But he neglects other possible causes and the function of environment to make the conclusion more suggestive.

[ 本帖最后由 hanyuan 于 2006-7-22 19:27 编辑 ]

pewcg8UID: 2143213

In this argument, the author suggest (改为suggets)that increased levels of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-before birth is the reason to cause (这里总觉得读起来不顺)shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support his claim, the author mainly based on (这里缺动词)two study (用复数)of a group of 25 people-one time in their infant stage (用复数)and another in their teenager (应该表达青年期吧?这里用teenager应该指的是年轻人吧?)stage to show that the shyness of these 25 people is due to the substance mentioned above. The argument is problematic in several key aspects, which render it unpersuasive.
开头的段落结构思路都可以,但是一定要注意,特别在开头段里边,尽量减少错误的数量,一些低级的语法错误不要出现太多.

To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that melatonin can cause shyness of infants. The author provides no detailed evidence of this hormone on its function, object, and function fashion. (两个function有点重复)The mere fact that this hormone known to affect some brain functions is far from enough to support it would affect a person's shyness,(affect应该注意不要重复,后边一个用cause可能好一点) let alone the infants' shyness. It is entirely possible that this hormone can promote and excite human's brain and lead to happiness. Or perhaps it only affects the mothers' brain function. Without the further evidence to support the hormone has a restraining function toward the infants, we can hardly draw any conclusion.(这一点攻击的比较好,就是能不能在说明他因的时候用点更合理的批驳依据,举一些比较好的原因.)

Secondly, the author provides no assurances that the study on which the argument depends is statistically reliable. Unless the survey's respondents are representative of the overall, and the number is statistically sufficient the author cannot rely on it to predict the possible cause of this shyness. Obviously, the 25 infants mentioned in the argument are not sufficient at all to constitute a statically reliable study. (这里能不能再具体多说点,说的明确点并且字数多点)

Thirdly, in the two studies, the author gratuitously assumes what the unfamiliar stimuli caused is mild stress, since (用although比较合适吧)the author provides nothing about the extent of the stimuli. Maybe the stimuli caused(语态不对) the infants physically comfortlessness. And the author provides nothing about the growing environment of the infants. It is much entirely possible that the living environment contributes more to the development of shyness. (可以再具体多说点)

The last problem with the author(不是the author,而是the author's argument) is that he concludes that this hormone can contribute to later life of the infants. According to our common sense, lots of factors other than genetics factor would contributes to the development of a child characteristic, let alone the merely one hormone levels of mothers. Acquired living conditions and growing experience would possibly contribute more to a child’s characteristic. Without the information about the growing conditions about all the children and the comparison among other children we cannot concludes too hastily to say what the cause of the shyness is. (这点和上面有点重复,其实可以合并一段来说.)

To the sum,(to sum up/in sum) the author’s conclusion is unpersuasive. He purposed on persuading us to believe that the hormone is the cause of shyness not only to the infants but also would contribute into later time. (本句中的三个the其实可以省去两个)But he neglects other possible causes and the function of environment to make the conclusion more suggestive.

总结:
1.冠词the用的太多,很多可以省略的.
2.注意文章特别是开头的语法错误.
3.注意一些词汇替换,三行之内减少词汇的重复.
4.注意不要只提出观点不展开论证,正文段的二三段均有这样的问题.
5.攻击点找的很好,大的语言错误不多,整体还算流畅.
6.注意段落的长短，特别是正文的三段最好长度不要差距太大.因为有牛人这样和我说过:"the main three paragraphs should be almost in same number of words, that is to say, you have to consider the lines of them to make your passage seems to be more beautiful."