Argument200 [越洋农场及同主题]pewcg8,真实模考

pewcg8UID: 2143213

论据：牙医提供的数据
推论：男性在接受牙科治疗时比女性更容易感到痛楚
结论：广告策略
１．        昏厥和痛没有主要联系，是不是因为痛才昏厥的？
２．        三倍这个数目没有样本的前提．
３．        广告的策略问题
分析的不充分，因为是完全的限时做的，包括前面的提纲的时间！具体分析详见我的文章．
正文：
TOPIC: ARGUMENT200 - Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.
WORDS: 418          TIME: 0:26:49          DATE: 2006-8-11

This seemingly plausible argument recommends a new advertising policy to attract patients. However, the conclusion that this new policy would be effective by focus on male consumer and give the first priority to reducing pain based on the statistics mentioned should be evaluated more closely.

While the statictcs（错词，改：statistics） might reflect the real situation faced by these dentists, it is entirely possible that the difference in the number of men and women who faint during treating might result from the fact that more men go to the dentists than women in that very area. With a proportion of three hundred a month compared to a hunderd (错词，改：hundred)women patients in the same month, men would probably surpass women in suffering faint. Another possibility might be the fact that those women who are afraid to go to the dentists would stay at home while those women who go there have overcome the fearness.(错词，fear本身就能做名词) Therefore, the author has to think thoroughly before drawing the conclusion that men on the whole are more likely to faint.

Moreover, even if the statistics are collected scentificly（用错，scientifically） and the result do reflect that men are more likely to suffer faint, there is not a cause and effect relationship between being distressed and suffering faint, or at least the author has not persuaded us that there is. Other factors such as the special smell in the clinique and the lamps used during the treatment might be the cause. When men are more sensitive to these factors than women, it is entirely possible they faint more frequently.

Finally, the new pollicy (错词，拼写错误policy)suggested by the author might be misleading. Without mentioning what policies these dentists used to use, without ruling out the side effect of neglecting women patients, the author's claim is absolutely ungrounded. Considering the illogical reasoning and insufficient(拼写错误，少了个i) evidence mention above, one can not draw the conclusion that targeting at men and emphasizing the ability to aviod(拼写错误avoid) pain is effective. When suffering pain in their treatment is not the real reasion (拼写错误，多了个i)of faint or when actually men are no more sensitive than women to suffer faint, this new policy will not work as expected and will soon result in the loss of women patients.

In sum, the recommendation of a new advertising policy by the author should be consider again with more detailed information and more logical reasoning. If I were the author, I will rule out other possibilities that might cause faint and examine the statistics offered by the dentists thoroughly to make a more sound argument.

dicmiUID: 183392

很认真，帮顶~~

BTW：peter你那天说有心得要发，怎么迟迟不见呢。。。

晴天丫头UID: 2225690

This seemingly plausible argument recommends a new advertising policy to attract patients. However, the conclusion that this new policy would be effective by focus on male consumer and give the first priority to reducing pain based on the statistics mentioned should be evaluated more closely.

While the statictcs（错词，改：statistics） might reflect the real situation faced by these dentists, it is entirely possible that the difference in the number of men and women who faint during treating might result from the fact that more men go to the dentists than women in that very area. With a proportion of three hundred a month compared to a hunderd (错词，改：hundred)women patients in the same month, men would probably surpass women in suffering faint [？有点不太清楚。是男人更容易faint 的意思么，好像逻辑不太对啊]. Another possibility might be the fact that those women who are afraid to go to the dentists would stay at home while those women who go there have overcome the fearness.(错词，fear本身就能做名词) [这个理由不错！]Therefore, the author has to think thoroughly before drawing the conclusion that men on the whole are more likely to faint.

Moreover, even if the statistics are collected scentificly（用错，scientifically） and the result do reflect that men are more likely to suffer faint, there is not a cause and effect [cause-and-effect] relationship between being distressed and suffering faint, or at least the author has not persuaded us that there is. Other factors such as the special smell in the clinique and the lamps used during the treatment might be the cause. [这个假设好！] When men are more sensitive to these factors than women, it is entirely possible they faint more frequently.

Finally, the new pollicy (错词，拼写错误policy)suggested by the author might be misleading. Without mentioning what policies these dentists used to use, without ruling out the side effect of neglecting women patients, the author's claim is absolutely ungrounded. Considering the illogical reasoning and insufficient(拼写错误，少了个i) evidence mention above, one can not draw the conclusion that targeting at men and emphasizing the ability to aviod(拼写错误avoid) pain is effective. When suffering pain in their treatment is not the real reasion (拼写错误，多了个i)of faint or when actually men are no more sensitive than women to suffer faint, this new policy will not work as expected and will soon result in the loss of women patients.

In sum, the recommendation of a new advertising policy by the author should be consider again with more detailed information and more logical reasoning. If I were the author, I will rule out other possibilities that might cause faint and examine the statistics offered by the dentists thoroughly to make a more sound argument.

逻辑思路特别好,我觉得你的那些假设都非常合理对我很有启发。只是在语言的组织上应该再流畅一些就好了，然后每一点稍微得都再深入一些。那么好的假设理由不好好分析一下都可惜了~

pewcg8UID: 2143213

我犹豫发不发，发了又要大家争论了

kito9695UID: 209685

几个问题：
1、"this new policy"还是用跟原文最接近的好，"this new advertising policy"
2、第一段conclusion总结得不完整，只提到了第一方面target custom
3、TS写的太长太罗索，简单明了说明问题就行了。看一下范文自己总结一下各种漏洞TS的写法
4、注意段末总结一下漏洞
5、alternatives和细节把握的不错
6、拼写错误太多，要注意
7、最后一段广告的批驳和前面比起来不够好，说的太泛泛，例如"Considering the illogical reasoning and insufficient evidence mention above"。最好专门针对这个漏洞批驳清楚。还有广告的另外两个方面的漏洞也是很明显的，不应当忽视。

jallineUID: 2192970

3、TS写的太长太罗索，简单明了说明问题就行了。看一下范文自己总结一下各种漏洞TS的写法

这一个问题我也严重...

pewcg8UID: 2143213

TS写的太长太罗索，简单明了说明问题就行了。看一下范文自己总结一下各种漏洞TS的写法．
小别具体说说，你是说段落的主题句？就是每段开始的第一句吧？？好的，我下午就这个问题再分析一遍范文．

pewcg8UID: 2143213

谢谢修改，语言的流畅需要我继续努力．

pewcg8UID: 2143213

This seemingly plausible argument recommends a new advertising policy to attract patients. However, the conclusion that this new policy would be effective by focusing on male consumer and giving the first priority to reducing pain based on the statistics mentioned should be evaluated more closely.（关注题目说到这个结论的两个方面，一个是target the male,一个是emphasizing the skills and sensitivity,注意介词by后边是动名词）总的来说，这个开头不错，就是两句话，有问题，问题是什么，就达到了目的．

补充一句简短的作为 TS: Whether the data can represent the high possibility of the male patients to suffer faint has to be considered in the first place.While the statictcs（错词，改：statistics） might reflect the real situation （经查可以这样使用）faced by these dentists,（可以替换） it is entirely possible （此句型控制在两个以下，第一个用entirely后一个用completely）that the difference in the number of men and women who faint during treating might result from the fact that more men go to the dentists than women in that very area. (缺点，把what部分作为了段主题，过长！)With a proportion of three hundred a month compared to a hunderd (错词，改：hundred)women patients in the same month, men patients would probably surpass women in suffering faint. Another possibility might be the fact that those women who are afraid to go to the dentists would stay at home while those women who go there have overcome the fearness.(错词，fear本身就能做名词) Therefore, the author has to think thoroughly before drawing the conclusion that men on the whole are more likely to faint.(这个就算做对上面分析的总结)

Moreover, even if the statistics are collected scentificly（用错，scientifically） and the result does reflect that men are more likely to suffer faint, there is not a cause and effect relationship between being distressed and suffering faint, or at least the author has not persuaded us that there is. Other factors such as the special smell in the clinique（或者clinic） and the lamps used during the treatment might be the cause. As we know, there are always such odors from alcohol or some other medicines in the dentists, when men are more sensitive to these factors than women,  it is entirely possible they faint more frequently. Although there are not enough scientific evidences to indicate these odors can cause faint, the author has to preclude them before safely reach his conclusion.

Finally, the new pollicy (错词，拼写错误policy)suggested by the author might be misleading. Without mentioning what policies these dentists used to take, without ruling out the side effect of neglecting women patients, the author's claim is absolutely ungrounded. Considering the illogical reasoning and insufficient(拼写错误，少了个i) evidence mention above, one can not draw the conclusion that targeting at men and emphasizing the ability to aviod(拼写错误avoid) pain is effective. When suffering pain in their treatment is not the real reasion (拼写错误，多了个i)of faint or when actually men are no more sensitive than women to suffer faint, this new policy will not work as expected and will soon result in the loss of women patients. Also, it is completely possible that patients who suffer pain in their teeth would pay more attention to these dentists’ experience and conditions of the clinics rather than the techniques to alleviate pain. In this case, the new advertising policy will not work as well as the author expected.

After considering and examining all the evidences as well as the author’s reasoning, the recommendation of a new advertising policy by the author should be considered again with more detailed information and more logical ratiocination. If I were the author, I will rule out other possibilities that might cause faint and examine the statistics offered by the dentists thoroughly to make a more sound argument.
兰色的是新修改部分．
修改的时候主要是缩短了一个TS的长度，修改的结论段的开头，补充了B2,B3的具体的分析，修改了一些语法错误和替换了几个词汇，希望大家继续提出意见！

pewcg8UID: 2143213

修改之后字数为544

yvonnewhuUID: 2202979

This seemingly plausible argument recommends a new advertising policy to attract patients. However, the conclusion that this new policy would be effective by focus on male consumer and give the first priority to reducing pain based on the statistics mentioned should be evaluated more closely.

While the statictcs（错词，改：statistics） might reflect the real situation faced by these dentists, it is entirely possible that the difference in the number of men and women who faint during treating might result from the fact that more men go to the dentists than women in that very area. With a proportion of three hundred a month compared to a hunderd (错词，改：hundred)women patients in the same month, men would probably surpass women in suffering faint. Another possibility might be the fact that those women who are afraid to go to the dentists would stay at home while those women who go there have overcome the fearness.(错词，fear本身就能做名词) Therefore, the author has to think thoroughly before drawing the conclusion that men on the whole are more likely to faint.[对于人数相对比这一点说得挺透的，赞！]

Moreover, even if the statistics are collected scentificly（用错，scientifically） and the result do reflect that men are more likely to suffer faint, there is not a cause and effect relationship between being distressed and suffering faint, or at least the author has not persuaded us that there is. Other factors such as the special smell in the clinique and the lamps used during the treatment might be the cause[causes, etiologies]. When men are more sensitive to these factors than women, it is entirely possible they faint more frequently.

Finally, the new pollicy (错词，拼写错误policy)suggested by the author might be misleading. Without mentioning what policies these dentists used to use, without ruling out the side effect of neglecting women patients, the author's claim is absolutely ungrounded. Considering the illogical reasoning and insufficient(拼写错误，少了个i) evidence mention above, one can not draw the conclusion that targeting at men and emphasizing the ability to aviod(拼写错误avoid) pain is effective. When suffering pain in their treatment is not the real reasion (拼写错误，多了个i)[可以举几个例子，例如上面提到的smell, lamps, the sight of injections]of faint or when actually men are no more sensitive than women to suffer faint, this new policy will not work as expected and will soon result in the loss of women patients.

In sum, the recommendation of a new advertising policy by the author should be consider again with more detailed information and more logical reasoning. If I were the author, I will rule out other possibilities that might cause faint and examine the statistics offered by the dentists thoroughly to make a more sound argument.

[楼主写得很有层次也很深入，都找不出来太多错误，值得学习。另附一篇本人的，希望楼主多多指教
http://www.gter.edu.cn/bbs/viewt ... e%3D1#pid1768952105]

pewcg8UID: 2143213

呵呵,应该再看看偶的修改版,你说的问题已经修改,谢谢指教.