issue51 【0706G－CRUSADE小组】 第1次作业 by 冰山在融化

冰山在融化UID：2281720

issue51（532w）
outline:
1.兴趣固然重要,但教育效率并不仅仅体现在其设计与学生需求的相配度上
2.学生需要学习一些必要的基础知识,树立正确的人生观,价值观,道德观
3.个人的兴趣不同,因此要求教育满足所有学生是不现实的,况且兴趣还在不断地学习过程中发生变化
4.教育是培养全面发展的人才,过分强调个人兴趣可能会导致学生知识结构不完整
5.在接受一些必修课程的基础上,学校应积极鼓励学生发展个人爱好,尽量提供丰富的选修课

In terms of education,it is central to train and promote talent people of our human-beings.With the constant development of our society,not only the ultimate goal of education have been paid close attention,but also the particular process of educating effectively.How to make education effective is an answer to the purpose and the functions of education system, which is claimed that truly effectiveness is only depended on specifical interests of each student in this statement.

First of all,on the one hand,I partly agree that it is necessary to consider students'needs and interests to certain extent,for the scientific, extremely efficient and rational value in its combinition of education.A case in point that a students who dislike art is constrained to take some of the painting and dancing courses or other relevant,he or she may generate conflicting emotions in his or her heart,in which condition,the student can not bear best state of mind to plunge into studies.On the other hand,although it is ture that needs and interests of students are essential and important in cultivating them,the efficiency of education is not merely embodied by their suitability between the two.What the effectiveness of education is just learning to know,learning to do,learning to get together,learning to be.

Secondly,it's hardly to content all students with their needs,because every student should have fundamental knowledge and skills such as reading&writing abilities,bascial science concept etc.Moreover,what is the most significant outcome of education is that to teach student how to communicate personally,how to cooperate with different people and how to work in a team.Even the right views of life and moral standards could prompt students mastering learning better.Eric Hoffer once said that:"The central task of education is to implant a will and facility for learning;it should produce not learned but learning people.The truly human society is a learning society,where grandparents,parents,and children are students together.",which clearly illustrate that the coincidence bewteen interests and education doesn't determine the true effectiveness.

Thirdly,providing each student corresponding courses is not always reasonable or conforming to reality.Of major concern,educational resources as teachers and funds compared with the huge numbers of tudents is quite limit,even scarce.On this point,schools and universities are impossible to seek for specifically designed to meet each individual's need and interest.Admittedly,schools may possess well-appointed teaching and research facilities,interests of people might unceasingly change during the course of study and the knowlege is not enough.In addition,excessively placing emphasis on individual's interest will contribute students to own incompleted knowledge structure,which likely narrow down the students'ken and the capability of acclimation to future career.

To sum up,due to the aforementioned reasons,which sometimes intertwine to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any single of them,we may safely arrive at the conclusion that schools are better to offer students a variety of elective courses on the basis of required courses.That means students receive unitive education and whip up personal interests at the same time.

:) 处女作，望大家多多指教呀！

[ 本帖最后由 冰山在融化 于 2007-2-15 11:12 编辑 ]

phantomrUID：2284466

先大致看了一下
主要是逻辑方面:
1段
"How to make education effective is an answer(question?) to the purpose and the functions of education system, which is claimed that truly effectiveness is only depended on specifical interests of each student in this statement."
首段至少要说明你对原论题的态度。这句话是否说明你默认 that truly effectiveness is only depended on specifical interests of each student in this statement is the answer of how to make education effective?
2~4段
论述反面观点，感觉条例不太清晰，很多都是在重复。
比如2段 What the effectiveness of education is just learning to know,learning to do,learning to get together,learning to be. 这是effectiveness的定义还是education的定义
3段       The outcome of education is that to teach student how to communicate personally,how to cooperate with different people and how to work in a team.
4段       excessively placing emphasis on individual's interest will contribute students to own incompleted knowledge structure,which likely narrow down the students'ken and the capability of acclimation to future career.
以上三句是否有逻辑上的重复
又比如3段主题句是否是下面论述的重点，好像有所偏离。

整体感觉反面观点论证得欠好。
  注意论点要明晰，论证围绕论点，论点泾渭分明，论证条理清晰。

浏览着看的，可能有些理解得不到，欢迎讨论。

[ 本帖最后由 phantomr 于 2007-2-15 11:30 编辑 ]

冰山在融化UID：2281720

thx,phantomr
我也觉得自己在逻辑上写得比较混乱
晚上我再好好改改:)

xixiaikoUID：2302263

加粗为文章结构逻辑的批改

下划线为语法修改

issue51 【0706G－CRUSADE小组】第1次作业 by 冰山在融化

issue51（532w）
outline:
1.兴趣固然重要,但教育效率并不仅仅体现在其设计与学生需求的相配度上
2.学生需要学习一些必要的基础知识,树立正确的人生观,价值观,道德观
3.个人的兴趣不同,因此要求教育满足所有学生是不现实的,况且兴趣还在不断地学习过程中发生变化
4.教育是培养全面发展的人才,过分强调个人兴趣可能会导致学生知识结构不完整
5.在接受一些必修课程的基础上,学校应积极鼓励学生发展个人爱好,尽量提供丰富的选修课敝以为，2和4两个论点具有一定的关联性。4和2有一层因果关系。并且属于一个议题的正反两个方面。建议234的顺序调整为42 3。
从提纲的整体结构上来看，24需要正面论述，3亦反面论述。配上最后的conclusion，还是比较合理的。

In terms of education,it is central(用important或者necessary比较好) to train and promote talented people of our human-beings.（“在教育方面，……”是比较中国式的表达，参考：The central aim of education is to cultivate talented people for the society）With the constant development of our society,not only the ultimate goal of education have(has) been paid close attention to,but also the particular process of educating effectively???.How to make education effective is an answer to the purpose(answer to the question或者way leading to the purpose) and the functions of education system, which is claimed that truly effectiveness is only depended on specifical(specified) interests of each student in this statement.（这最后一句应该起一个全文论点总结的作用，而不是只为下一段做铺垫。至少应提及24的“知识结构”和3的“兴趣的局限性”）
First of all,on the one hand,I partly agree that it is necessary to consider students'needs and interests to certain extent,for the scientific, extremely efficient and rational value in its combinition of education.A case in point (is) that （此处加上when才能和后面的“产生情绪”联系起来）a students(去掉s) who dislikes art is constrained to take some of the （去掉）painting and dancing courses or other relevant（for etc.更简洁）,he or she may generate (
generate一般指机械化的产生，比如注册机，人的情感常用arose)conflicting emotions in his or her heart,in which condition,the student can not bear best state of mind to plunge into studies.On the other hand,although it is ture that needs and interests of students are essential and important in cultivating them,the efficiency of education is not merely embodied by their suitability between the two.(被动式the efficiency of education is not only formed by these two elements.主动式the efficiency of education includes/embody not only these two elements.)What the effectiveness of education is just learning to know,learning to do,learning to get together,learning to be.(最好指出这四点的出处，比如UNSCO，增强说服力)这一段属于对原文的肯定和让步

Secondly,it's hardly（去掉） to content all students with their needs,because （本段前面这些都可以删掉，既然这段紧接着上面的“the efficiency of education is not merely embodied by their suitability between the two.”那么最好就集中写not merely的部分）every student should have fundamental knowledge and skills such as reading&writing abilities,bascial science concept etc.Moreover,what is the most significant outcome of education is that to teach student how to communicate personally,how to cooperate with different people and how to work in a team.Even the right views of life and moral standards could prompt students mastering learning better.Eric Hoffer once said that:"The central task of education is to implant a will and facility for learning;it should produce not learned but learning people.The truly human society is a learning society,where grandparents,parents,and children are students together.",which clearly illustrate that the coincidence bewteen interests and education doesn't determine the true effectiveness.

Thirdly,providing each student corresponding courses is not always reasonable or conforming to reality.Of major concern,educational（去掉） resources as teachers and funds compared with（词组compared to） the huge numbers of tudents is quite limited,even scarce.On this point,schools and universities are impossible to seek for specifically designed（specific design） to meet each individual's need and interest.Admittedly(这个词是表让步的，才这里应该用表示“就算，即使”的词),schools may possess well-appointed teaching and research facilities,interests of people might unceasingly change during the course of study and the knowlege is not enough.In addition,excessively placing emphasis on individual's interest will contribute students to own incompleted knowledge structure,which is likely to narrow down the students'ken and the capability of acclimation to future career.（最后这一句，似乎应该换一个地方摆摆。和前面出现的关于知识结构的摆在一起。因为若之前已经把它和本段主题——“资源问题”并列的话，这里它和本段前部分就不是“in addition”的关系了）
To sum up,due to the aforementioned reasons,which sometimes intertwines to form an organic whole and thus become more persuasive than any single of them,we may safely arrive at the conclusion thatschools are better to (it’s better for schools to) offer students a variety of elective courses on the basis of required courses.That means students receive unitive education and whip up personal interests at the same time.这一段写得不错，特别是最后两句，逻辑和表达都不错


1.格式问题：标点后面要空一个，建议先用word写，练练格式。
2.注意大小写、单复数之类的基本问题。
3.建议与阅读时多注意句子的结构，培养语感。现在看来，语法上你还比较混乱，尤其是当句子较长的时候。具体点说，就是定语从句、主谓语从句、壮语从句等与主句的连接上。

[ 本帖最后由 xixiaiko 于 2007-2-16 02:07 编辑 ]

xixiaikoUID：2302263

偶实在不知道怎么把word里面的颜色信息复制过来啊，所以只好改成粗体和下划线来区分了