Argument147 【0706G－CRUSADE小组】 第1次作业 by 冰山在融化

冰山在融化UID：2281720

argument147 (686w)
没限时,写的有点长了,望大家狠批!^o^
outline:
1.author's attitude
2.the recent survey may not be credible,yet the asked players may not be representative.
3.even if the survey is correct and specific,the advanced technology in the games will make prices up;many other factors will influence the sales.
4.no evidence for 10-25year-old people are the most likely to play games,if this is true,the sales won't increase by its limited promotion.
5.conclusion

In this editorial, the author asserts that two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind video games is about to reverse itself and will increase drastically in the next few months. To bolster this conclusion, the author cites a recent survey in which players indicated preference for certain games. In addition, the author then substantiates that Whirlwind has just introduced such games with an extensive promotional campaign directed at 10-25 year-old people. At first glance, the editorial appears to be somehow plausible, but further reflection reveals that it suffers from at least several logic flaws.

In the first place, the editorial involves the recent survey about Whirlwind video games. It is unreasonable to draw any conclusions about the sales trend of video games based on asked video-game players, because no evidences are offered on the investigators, the respondents, the specific course and data of the inquisition. With consideration of the condition, it is highly doubtful whether the asked players are representative to reflect most consumers who play games including those latent ones who might take a fancy on video games in the future and the purpose of this survey is also under suspicion. Consequently, we have strong reasons to question the credibility and neutrality of the survey in which the conductor has vested interest and therefore is inclined to manipulate the figures to his own advantage.

In the second place, granted that the survey has filled with accuracy and authoritativeness, the sales of Whirlwind video games probably remain in an unchanged state, even decreasing. The requirement of lifelike graphics and high-performance computers, which is bound to raise prices of products, is most likely to cause the number of purchasers who can afford it dropping. In addition, players' preference for features they thought were most important is insufficient to support the claim that manufacture this type of games will increase sales even further. What gives an effect on the sales is not only if Whirlwind's products catering to what clients are keen on, many other factors--the quality and update pace of the games, the ways to push sale, after-sale services, strategic decision of company, its main competitors, supply and demand, or macroscopic policies on marketing--could also just as likely account for the increase of sales. It is entirely possible that when customers come across some demanding problems on Whirlwind's video games on sale, but service staffs show no interest in it rather than help their customers with warmth or enthusiasm. Under this circumstance, despite Whirlwind introduces customers' satisfied merchandise, people who intend to buy Whirlwind's products will choose any other merchants instead, which are prone to cut down the quantity of aggregate sales. Without ruling out this possible scenario, the author cannot convince us that produce such games would boost sales.

In the third place, advertising campaign aimed at 10-25 year-old people can hardly raise the sales actually. Most significant of all, the author provides no complete information to prove that 10 to 25 years old is the age-group most likely to play video games. Even if this assumption is tenable, such an extension may not work effectively in the aspect of sales. Perhaps on the account of having no right to purchase such video games of most people in this age-group, the number of people who really goes to buy holds small proportion of the total, though majority of them feel the game fantastic and indeed suiting their tastes. Moreover, the extension confined to 10-25 years old may lead Whirlwind to lose old and new client-sources who are out of this age-group. For the matter, it will narrow down the scope of sale items' popularization, which means few of those people could know about such video games, accordingly it will certainly reduce the sales directly. Therefore, there is no guarantee that the sales are eventually going to rise in the next few months.

As it stands, the editorial is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should demonstrate that the recent survey is effective and authoritative. Additionally, the author would have to provide specific information concerning various factors that affect the sales meanwhile.

[ 本帖最后由 冰山在融化 于 2007-2-17 01:42 编辑 ]

xixiaikoUID：2302263

In this editorial, the author asserts that two-year decline in sales of Whirlwind video games is about to reverse itself and will increase drastically in the next few months. To bolster this conclusion, the author cites a recent survey in which players indicated preference for certain games. In addition, the author then substantiates that Whirlwind has just introduced such games with an extensive promotional campaign directed at 10-25 year-old people. At first glance, the editorial appears to be somehow plausible(似是而非？), but further reflection reveals that it suffers from at least several logic flaws.第一段最好不要重复转述，这样没什么信息量。

In the first place, the editorial involves the（a）recent survey about Whirlwind video games.(貌似这一句应该表态，即第一段TS。而非陈述) It is unreasonable to draw any conclusions about the sales trend of video games based on asked video-game players(没有听过这种说法啊，建议直接用“a survey based on…”。所以，建议前两句合并 ), because no evidences are offered on the investigators, the respondents, the specific course and data of the inquisition. With consideration of the(this) condition, it is highly doubtful whether the asked players are representative to reflect most consumers who play games including those latent ones who might take a fancy on video games in the future（该断句了。。。。） and the purpose of this survey is also under suspicion.(….) Consequently, we have strong reasons to question the credibility and neutrality of the survey in which the conductor has vested interest and therefore is inclined to manipulate the figures to his own advantage.(这个观点很有创意，但是最好用In addition来接，因为之前的那些证据不足可能是疏忽所致。建议另起一段，提及an editorial in a business magazine这一个背景。)
语言不错，思路清晰。最后的观点还提醒我，题干里陈述前的介绍部分也可以作为攻击的一句。^^

In the second place, granted that the survey has filled with（词组be filled with） accuracy and authoritativeness, the sales of Whirlwind video games probably remain in an unchanged state, even decreasing. The requirement of lifelike graphics and high-performance computers, which is bound to raise prices of products, is most likely to cause the number of purchasers who can afford it dropping.(to decrease the number…比较简洁一点) In addition, players' preference for features they thought were most important(这和preference for features重复了) is insufficient to support the claim that manufacture this type of games will increase sales even further（貌似和will increase重了，not sure哈）. What gives an effect on the sales is not only if Whirlwind's products catering to what clients are keen on, many other factors--the quality and update pace of the games, the ways to push sale, after-sale services, strategic decision of company, its main competitors, supply and demand, or macroscopic policies on marketing--could also just as likely(和could also重了) account for the increase of sales. It is entirely possible that when customers come across some demanding problems on Whirlwind's video games on sale, but service staffs show no interest in it rather than help their customers with warmth or enthusiasm.（这个例证简短的概括一下就行了。我觉得不太普遍。） Under this circumstance, despite Whirlwind introduces customers' satisfied merchandise, people who intend to buy Whirlwind's products will choose any other merchants instead, which are prone to cut down the quantity of aggregate sales. Without ruling out this possible scenario, the author cannot convince us that produce such games would boost sales.
从outline里看来，high price是本段的主要攻击点。所以建议在这一点上篇幅长一些，否则让人感觉写着写着分论点跑题了。而且，我觉得直接攻击题目中出现的缺点比攻击那些没有提到的（other facts, service staffs’ attitude, etc.）要更有说服力。

In the third place, advertising campaign aimed at 10-25 year-old people can hardly raise the sales actually.（这里说得太绝对了，缓一点比较好。比如can not assure the raise of the sales） Most significant of all, the author provides no complete information to prove that 10 to 25 years old is the age-group most likely to play video games. Even if this assumption is tenable, such an extension may not work effectively in the aspect of sales. Perhaps on the account of having no right to purchase such video games of most people in this age-group, the number of people who really goes to buy holds small proportion of the total, （这个似乎该放到第二段开头论证）though majority of them feel the game fantastic and indeed suiting their tastes. Moreover, the extension confined to 10-25 years old may lead Whirlwind to lose old and new client-sources who are out of this age-group. For the matter, it will narrow down the scope of sale items' popularization, which means few of those people could know about such video games, accordingly it will certainly reduce the sales directly.(这个论点不错，比outline中的更具有说服力) Therefore, there is no guarantee that the sales are eventually going to rise in the next few months.
另外，个人觉得第三个攻击点不是很有说服力。同样是，直接攻击题目中出现的缺点比攻击那些没有提到的要更有说服力。比如说本段中也提到的“10-15购买力不足”，这是被大家都公认的；就比“10-15岁不大可能是电子游戏主要玩家”（大家没有这个公认）要更有说服力。建议把it will narrow down the scope of sale items' popularization作为本段中心论点。
As it stands, the editorial is not well reasoned. To make it logically acceptable, the author should demonstrate that the recent survey is effective and authoritative. Additionally, the author would have to provide specific information concerning various factors that affect the sales meanwhile.

[本帖最后由冰山在融化于 2007-2-17 01

总结:
三个论点关于主题的展开，在逻辑方面还是比较有条理的。这次比issue51来真是有大进步呢。个人分析，你的论点组织，是根据题干本身论述的先后逻辑，以让步的方式逐个展开的。即一个一个论点的攻击，攻击后一个时假设前面的论点成立。这个题目用这种方式还是挺适合的。但建议每段的开头换一换，粘贴一段帖子以参考：

• 段与段之间的承接，通常是有关系的，要么并列、要么递进、要么转折、要么让步。用恰当的词有助于读者（ETS）把握你的提纲。个人以为first, second, third, finally 这类的只用于并列较好。递进最好用个moreover，meanwhile什么的。转折和让步的处理不同，转折后是重点，可用语气强的however, 让步的是自己的缺陷，可用语气弱的，admittedly等。如用not only （倒装）承上，but also启下。感觉更好，可用于递进和并列都行。

语言方面，流畅了许多。短语和词汇也用得不错，但是要注意不要过分的装饰句子了。比如，意思类似的短语在一个句子里用一次就够了。另外，若只是由于原文没有提到的原因而怀疑的话，尽量不要用highly, stronly之类的词一棒子打死。

加油，继续努力！

[ 本帖最后由 xixiaiko 于 2007-2-18 19:47 编辑 ]

xixiaikoUID：2302263

补充下啊
段落首句直接指出作文错误很重要。
可以去看看lastangel帮偶改的argu2
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... e%3D1#pid1769734577