issue130 求拍！！倒计时一周！！

tracy779UID：2274473

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 607         TIME: 0:45:00          DATE:

The statement attaches great importance on the socialization concerning education of children and on which point expresses deep regret on the lack of effective upbringing of them. I concede that providing children with moderate socialization courses will surely do them a lot of good, yet other aspects of learning is equally important in defining a health education.

Admittedly, to which extent the children are socialize is among one of the most crucial portion in evaluating whether they are receiving a successful education—having received adequate knowledge about the society, a youngster will well prepare for stepping into the societal environment and his career. In the first place, with the basic principles and practices every member of the community ought to obey, the green hand is capable of   preventing otherwise possible violations of them and hence the society will retain in a state of sound and well-ordered. In the second place, the school education has the responsibility of having their children fully recognized his vocational interests and potential, thereby helping determine their career lives beforehand. As a result, they will orient their ideal occupations immediately after graduation. In addition, utilizing the techniques on the establishment of a harmonious relationship with other members of the society, the young people will not only get along well as soon as possible with his colleagues, boss, clients and so forth but also form gradually a resourceful personal style which leads to the advantageous position in the society of competitiveness.

However, inordinate pursuit towards a highly socialized individual will otherwise pose serious potential harms to the society to the extent which endangers the healthy and sustainable development of it. For instance, it is likely due to the overemphasis on the socialization, the children bear in mind mistaken values: the ultimate goal of life is settled down in the seeking of material success and survival in the society, whereas other pursuits like arts are overlooked and even devalued. For that matter, the majority of people will exclusively appreciate the so-called tactics and tips in various societal activities and eventually the society is depraved into an abysmal of distrust and dishonesty.

In my observation, to raise children who can bring about a better society, educators should take into consideration all categories of knowledge and abilities they may in need of later in life. Specifically, to form a complete personality is the first prior. Children should be assigned to learn the basic philosophy theory to ensure the formation of an insightful perspective towards life and the ability to foresee the destiny of the society in a relatively long term; they will also be required to learn to appreciate fine arts like music, sculpture and the like. By doing so, the periodic relaxation between onerous burden of work is available in the speedy pace of the society and more importantly, these skills concerning aesthetics once disseminated will help build a cultured and civilized society in that every member of the community, which frequently adds their remarks as suggestions for either further polishing of the works of arts or the selection of truly masterpieces, contributes to the upgrading of civilization; and if they take some sports program, they will lay down a solid foundation for a good health throughout their life and be able to expect a strong personality when confronted with difficulties and setbacks.  

In sum, the speaker overstates the importance of socialization towards children. Whereas educators place due weight on the raising of a well-socialized being, the education of other subjects is equally vital to the formation of people who are better devoted to the cause of the prosperity of the greater society as a whole.

李文UID：2165766

觉得很拗口

tracy779UID：2274473

恩, 楼上说的有道理...我自己也觉得满拗口的...汗...这是自己改下来的结果, 原来最初写好有觉得语言太没变化...痛苦...:funk: :funk:

iq28UID：2152875

The statement attaches great importance on the socialization concerning education of children and on which point expresses deep regret on the lack of effective upbringing of them. (上来就巨拗口无比...我在读no的阅读?~) I concede that providing children with moderate socialization courses will surely do them a lot of good, yet other aspects of learning is equally important in defining a health education. (居然没有涉及到society的问题,为可能的偏题埋下伏笔)

Admittedly, to which extent the children are socialize is among one of the most crucial portion in evaluating whether they are receiving a successful education—having received adequate knowledge about the society, a youngster will well prepare for stepping into the societal environment and his career. (和上面分开说,作为论证的第一句多好,干嘛非要跟ts搅合在一起) In the first place, with the basic principles and practices every member of the community ought to obey, the green hand is capable of  preventing otherwise (删) possible violations of them and hence the society will retain in a state of sound and well-ordered. (为什么把那些原则和时间局限在防止暴力上?) In the second place, the school education has the responsibility of having their children fully recognized his vocational interests and potential, thereby helping determine their career lives beforehand. (暴力问题和职业问题难道就可以涵盖socialization?) As a result, they will orient their ideal occupations immediately after graduation. In addition, utilizing the techniques on the establishment of a harmonious relationship with other members of the society, the young people will not only get along well as soon as possible with his colleagues, boss, clients and so forth but also form gradually a resourceful personal style which leads to the advantageous position in the society of competitiveness. (三个层次之间没有特别的逻辑关系,而且个人感觉也无法覆盖socialization的内涵)

However, inordinate pursuit towards a highly socialized individual will otherwise pose serious potential harms to the society to the extent which endangers the healthy and sustainable development of it. (长句不要多.句句都长读起来太拗口.虽然你写得长句其实不错) For instance, it is likely due to the overemphasis on the socialization, the children bear in mind mistaken values: the ultimate goal of life is settled down in the seeking of material success and survival in the society, (why? at least i don't think so without any evidence or reasons which should have been provided by u) whereas other pursuits like arts (art跟socialized本来就不是对立的方面,甚至都不是对等的层次,如何拿来相提并论.sigh) are overlooked and even devalued. For that matter, the majority of people will exclusively appreciate the so-called tactics and tips in various societal activities and eventually the society is depraved into an abysmal of distrust and dishonesty. (lz...你看了自己的这段难道不觉得是危言耸听么~论证基本都是臆断....不让人信服)

In my observation, to raise children who can bring about a better society, educators should take into consideration all categories of knowledge and abilities they may in need of later in life. (还好没偏题~通篇都带着说society的问题了呵呵) Specifically, to form a complete personality is the first prior. Children should be assigned to learn the basic philosophy theory to ensure the formation of an insightful perspective towards life and the ability to foresee the destiny of the society in a relatively long term; they will also (放句首,层次感更清楚) be required to learn to appreciate fine arts like music, sculpture and the like. By doing so, the periodic relaxation between onerous burden of work is available in the speedy pace of the society and more importantly, these skills concerning aesthetics once disseminated will help build a cultured and civilized society in that every member of the community, which frequently adds their remarks as suggestions for either further polishing of the works of arts or the selection of truly masterpieces, contributes to the upgrading of civilization; (杨鹏的长难句可以收这句话了...) and if they take some sports program, they will lay down a solid foundation for a good health throughout their life and be able to expect a strong personality when confronted with difficulties and setbacks. (段落只能说是对于socialized的补充,还不能说是all categories.最起码那些基本的生存技能你都没有提到)

In sum, the speaker overstates the importance of socialization (没看出来.如果要说作者overstate了,请举例说出现在小孩的socialized教育已经足够的例子,ms这个是通篇没有提到的.你只是从理论上谈到了什么样是应该的) towards children. Whereas educators place due weight on the raising of a well-socialized being, the education of other subjects is equally vital to the formation of people who are better devoted to the cause of the prosperity of the greater society as a whole.

topic更像是在讨论一个社会问题
而lz都是从理论上来讨论,没有提到现实中如何
难怪读起来觉得有点便扭(当然也有长句过多的原因)
段落中assert without proof or reasonings的情况太严重
尤其是第二个body
还有对于socialization的定义过于狭隘

iq28UID：2152875

忘了鼓励下
觉得你写句子虽然很长但句子本身还是比较流畅的

当然长句还是不要太多

tracy779UID：2274473

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

In present-day society, people, especially parents and educators, attach increasing concern with the efficacious upbringing of children. The statement above thus makes a claim about the significance of socializing kids in their education. I agree with the speaker in terms of today’s problematic education. Besides, I concede that giving children moderate socialization training will surely benefit them, however not the dominant.

Under current educational formation, too much emphasis has been place on cultivating intellectuals rather than a well-developed human being. One need look no further than the examination-oriented system together with the spoon-fed education prevailing among the East Asian countries. Once a kid gets into school, he or she begins to receive the knowledge of all popular disciplines such as mathematics and later on physics and chemistry. And bearing in mind the teacher’s instruction, they sit still in the classroom and are instilled as much knowledge as they can. Later on, when the test season comes by, they, almost without exception, exhaust all their energy and wisdom to compete for the highest mark in the class. As a result, when kids grow up to young people, they are masters in the manipulating academic knowledge but handicapped in communicating with different people, living and study independently without the assistance of either their parents or teachers, to name a few. For that matter, overemphasis on the intellects has severely overshadows the development of other abilities, with the socialization involved.
  
As a matter of fact, how well children are socialized is among the most crucial aspects of evaluating a truly successful education. To some extent, adequate socialization promises that a youngster will well prepare for stepping into the societal environment. In the first place, well informed of the norms and societal practices the whole community share, the newcomer will immediately understand the mores and attitude and be capable of preventing possible violations. Consequently, the society will stay sound and well-ordered. In the second place, utilizing the highly-efficient communication skills, young people will not only get along well with his occupational companions, even the competitors, but also establish a harmonious relationship in his private life---within the marriage, the family and among the relatives. a form gradually a resourceful personal style which leads to the advantageous position in the society of competitiveness. In the third place, the school education has the responsibility of having their children fully recognized his vocational interests and potential, thereby helping identify their real callings beforehand.

However, a well-socialized and knowledgeable individual is still unqualified as a person of all-round development, a person who can maximize his contributions to the society. To be specific, why do a large breed of noblemen in Europe, with their good manners and familiarity with their fine arts, seldom benefit their society? Because the majority of them are indulged in the comfortable lives they are born with. Why do so many talented intellectuals never achieve their successes and instead give up in the way? Because some of them can not stand the depression failures and setbacks bring about. Both of them lack a spirit of combating the hardships—the courage for the former and the perseverance for the latter. Therefore, it can be conclude that the active spirit, the will power is the basis of a man in full.

In sum, I fundamentally agree with the speaker’s statement though I insist that the importance of socialization cannot be overestimated. On balance, in order to raise children who can use their advantage to the society, educators should place equal attention on the intellectual training, the socialization and the cultivation of strong will power towards children.

tracy779UID：2274473

基本上全改了！顺序也改了！之前也觉得这篇写得太high-sounding了点，都没例子的，实在是纸上谈兵！
觉得iq大说的还得蛮有道理的，我干脆把第二个body删掉了！
长句也是，这其实是因为我自己先改过的，不知不觉就。。。。。。
第一个body改动算小了，但也不少。不过关于第一个body的暴力问题，我要辩白一下，我并没提到violence,而是 想表达prevent the violation of moral standard 的意思，是iq改的太多看眼花了吧，
嘻嘻，辛苦辛苦！