issue5 [sweetbox小组第一次作业]by sara

sara0522UID: 2336981

TOPIC: ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
WORDS: 747         TIME: 01:45:00         

指出中央集权的重要性,强调不能让地方学校自己安排课程
指出为什么是大学前的课程由国家统一安排

  I still remember in a history class in my senior school, when it came to the portion of Chinese ancient history, my teacher told us that one of the greatest emperor in ancient china is the first emperor in Qin dynasty. He explained that it was all because it was him, the first emperor in Qin dynasty ,who had made China, the cradle of human civilization ,a united nation for the first time in history. Ever since when, China became stronger and let peoples across the world know that there is a dragon in Orient ,whose name is China.
Does this story have anything to do with the national curriculum? Of course. The case of China informs us of the importance of the power centralization. After the emperor got all the powers which was in different vassals’ hands into his own hands alone, disputes were settled, gaps between different tribes were narrowed and people became to communicate with “the others”more frequently.
When it refer to the education, first and foremost is that the national centre government should firmly grasp the power of framing the curriculum . History is our best teacher, we can learn much from our predecessors' experience. As mentioned above, the Emperor unified the coin, the measure ,all of which made china stronger and richer. So, today ,we should require students to study the same national curriculum before their college education. Different parts have different traditional customes, teaching styles, living habits.If let the local school determine their own academic courses, we can imagine how different two students who are brought up in different parts of the nation would be after given different education for many years. As we all know, American is a nation on wheels, and in other people’s opinion, Americans have the courage to start their careers in a new place without the fear of having no contacts there. Because Americans are independent and confident. What if this impression be destroyed just because Americans suddenly find that they can't communicate with the people apart from those in their hometown? Because when he in junior high school, the teacher only told him about the particular local things and people without mentioning anything about those of other parts of the nation. Some people may ask how can this situation happen? Just visualize a picture in your mind, a big city in California, which is famous for its high-tech, so people here value high the knowledge about information  technology. While in a small village in Utah, people focus more on the environmental problem which leads to the emphasis on the environmental protection knowledge. Different views of value is bound to exert different influence on people, thus making people choose different developmental ways, when it comes to education ,the headmasters of different parts will certainly to constitute the curriculum according to their own situations.
Another problem rises: Why is the pre-college curriculum? The answer is a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students since the pre-college education and college education share different orientations and aims. That is to say, we should treat them respectively. Before college, the curriculum should be framed by the central government, so that the government can focus on the basic knowledge and necessary overall skills, namely, reading,writing, computer,etc, which makes the graduates can make a living in the world. Then, after they going to college with a clear goal to further improve themselves ,they will choose the particular fields taking their fancy or relevant to their future jobs, so the specific knowledge is important and indispensable. Since different college has their own resources and talents, for example, Princeton has several Nobel Prize winners in Physics, then it wouldn’t be proper if the students in physics department are require to focus more on liberal arts for that those students go to Princeton just because of their interest in physics and the reputation of Princeton’s achievements in this particular field. Further more, in some colleges, their superior departments may have a large amount of fund to support them, which likely means students in these departments have more access to the cutting-edge technology .If the nation still require the same curriculum ,from an average viewpoint, the advantages of students in those colleges are reaved. It is obvious a waste of money and brain.
So, I will say it again that a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students for our country.
有几个疑问啊,我讲中国的例子,老外能不能听懂啊,而且比如我写到了历史的例子, 中国人说读史使人明智,但是从ARGU的角度来看,过去的不能推出现在,是不是这种例子就白举了啊?谢谢各位DX指点啦~~~~~

[ 本帖最后由 sara0522 于 2007-5-23 08:22 编辑 ]

jiangyue011UID: 2340595

I still remember in a history class in my senior school, when it came to the portion of Chinese ancient history, my teacher told us that one of the greatest emperor in ancient china is the first emperor in Qin dynasty. He explained that it was all because it was (because of) him, the first emperor in Qin dynasty ,who had made China, the cradle of human civilization ,a united nation for the first time in history. Ever since when(then), China became stronger and let peoples across the world know that there is a dragon in Orient ,whose name is China.
Does this story have anything to do with the national curriculum? Of course.（Of course, yes） The case of China informs us of (删)the importance of the power（添of） centralization. After the emperor got all the powers which was in different vassals’ hands into his own hands alone, disputes were settled, gaps between different tribes were narrowed and people became to communicate with “the others”more frequently.(文字很通顺，例子我觉得也算恰当，以叙述故事的方式开头，虽然觉得有可能显得罗唆了点，因为例子和教育并不是直接的联系的，是一个类比，但是我感觉还是可行的，不知道其他人怎么看)
When it refer（refers） to the education, first and foremost is that the national centre government should firmly grasp the power of framing the curriculum . History is our best teacher, we can learn much from our predecessors' experience. As mentioned above, the Emperor unified the coin, the measure ,all of which made china stronger and richer.(这句语法上有问题) So, today ,we should require students to study the same national curriculum before their college education. Different parts have different traditional customes（customs）, teaching styles, living habits. If （少了主语）let the local school determine their own academic courses, we can imagine how different two students who are brought up in different parts of the nation would be after given different education for many years. As we all know, American is a nation on wheels, and in other people’s opinion, Americans have the courage to start their careers in a new place without the fear of having no contacts there. Because Americans are independent and confident. What if this impression be destroyed just because Americans suddenly find that they can't communicate with the people apart from those in their hometown? Because when he in junior high school, the teacher only told him about the particular local things and people without mentioning anything about those of other parts of the nation. Some people may ask how can this situation happen? Just visualize a picture in your mind, a big city in California, which is famous for its high-tech, so （删）people here value high（这好像也有点语法问题） the knowledge about information  technology. While in a small village in Utah, people focus more on the environmental problem which leads to the emphasis on the environmental protection knowledge. Different views of value is bound to exert different influence on people, thus making people choose different developmental ways, when it comes to education ,the headmasters of different parts will certainly to constitute the curriculum according to their own situations.（人们的不同观点和统一的课程似乎还是有点区别，所以这个例子我觉得应该稍微改下就好了）
Another problem rises: Why is the pre-college curriculum? The answer is （少that）a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students since the pre-college education and college education share different orientations and aims. That is to say, we should treat them respectively. Before college, the curriculum should be framed by the central government, so that the government can focus on the basic knowledge and necessary overall skills, namely, reading,writing, computer,etc, which makes the graduates can make a living in the world. Then, after they going to college with a clear goal to further improve themselves ,they will choose the particular fields taking their fancy or relevant to their future jobs, so the specific knowledge is important and indispensable. Since different college has(colleges have) their own resources and talents, for example, Princeton has several Nobel Prize winners in Physics, then it wouldn’t be proper if the students in physics department are require to focus more on liberal arts for that those students go to Princeton just because of their interest in physics and the reputation of Princeton’s achievements in this particular field. Further more, in some colleges, their superior departments may have a large amount of fund to support them, which likely means students in these departments have more access to the cutting-edge technology .If the nation still require the same curriculum ,from an average viewpoint, the advantages of students in those colleges are reaved. It is obvious a waste of money and brain.
So, I will say it again that a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students for our country. (我觉得是不是应该写下centralization and flexibility怎么具体的结合)
文章挺通顺的，字数也很多，展开也很充分，看得出来基本功很好的，我觉得只要稍微再调整下肯定就是高分的。不用担心过去不能推出现在的问题拉，历史上的东西大家一般都还是能接受的，我觉得。

[ 本帖最后由 jiangyue011 于 2007-5-23 10:11 编辑 ]

sara0522UID: 2336981

谢谢jiangyue011
我觉得你给我指出的错误很正确,希望你以后继续指点我啊:)

Jack_JiUID: 2340109

TOPIC: ISSUE5 - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
WORDS: 747         TIME: 01:45:00         

指出中央集权的重要性,强调不能让地方学校自己安排课程
指出为什么是大学前的课程由国家统一安排

  I still remember in a history class in my senior school, when it came to the portion of Chinese ancient history, my teacher told us that one of the greatest emperor in ancient China is the first emperor in Qin dynasty. He explained that it was all because it was him, the first emperor in Qin dynasty ,who had made China, the cradle of human civilization ,a united nation for the first time in history. Ever since when, China became stronger and let peoples across the world know that there is a dragon in Orient ,whose name is China.
第一段我个人觉得为了避免跑题，还是直接回映topic中的观点比较好，那样开篇让人就明了你的观点。还有，你举的秦始皇的这个例子我个人觉得有点不恰当（外国人应该会知道秦始皇这个人，即使不知道，从你的描述中也略知一二了，所以这点不用担心），这个例子貌似和当前国家统一安排课程之间的关系不是很大，加之，古代的例子似乎推证现代问题，有点牵强。
Does this story have anything to do with the national curriculum? Of course. The case of China informs us of the importance of the power centralization. After the emperor got all the powers which was in different vassals’ hands into his own hands alone, disputes were settled, gaps between different tribes were narrowed and people became to communicate with “the others”more frequently.
When it refer to the education, first and foremost is that the national centre government should firmly grasp the power of framing the curriculum . History is our best teacher, we can learn much from our predecessors' experience. As mentioned above, the Emperor unified the coin, the measure ,all of which made china stronger and richer. So, today ,we should require students to study the same national curriculum before their college education. Different parts have different traditional customes, teaching styles, living habits.If let the local school determine their own academic courses, we can imagine how different two students who are brought up in different parts of the nation would be after given different education for many years. (前面是由中国的例子入手，这里又说到了美国，似乎不大合适)As we all know, American is a nation on wheels, and in other people’s opinion, Americans have the courage to start their careers in a new place without the fear of having no contacts there. Because Americans are independent and confident. What if this impression be destroyed just because Americans suddenly find that they can't communicate with the people apart from those in their hometown? Because when he in junior high school, the teacher only told him about the particular local things and people without mentioning anything about those of other parts of the nation. Some people may ask how can this situation happen? Just visualize a picture in your mind, a big city in California, which is famous for its high-tech, so people here value high the knowledge about information  technology. While in a small village in Utah, people focus more on the environmental problem which leads to the emphasis on the environmental protection knowledge. Different views of value is bound to exert different influence on people, thus making people choose different developmental ways, when it comes to education ,the headmasters of different parts will certainly to constitute the curriculum according to their own situations.
Another problem rises: Why is the pre-college curriculum? The answer is a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students since the pre-college education and college education share different orientations and aims. That is to say, we should treat them respectively. Before college, the curriculum should be framed by the central government, so that the government can focus on the basic knowledge and necessary overall skills, namely, reading,writing, computer,etc, which makes the graduates can make a living in the world. Then, after they(这里的they去掉的话感觉会更地道) going to college with a clear goal to further improve themselves ,they will choose the particular fields taking their fancy or relevant to their future jobs, so the specific knowledge is important and indispensable.（上面这些文字似乎对整个文章的核心——统一课程教学，没有起到什么作用，建议强调统一的基本核心课程是进行大学学习课程的基础） Since different college has their own resources and talents, for example, Princeton has several Nobel Prize winners in Physics, then it wouldn’t be proper if the students in physics department are require to focus more on liberal arts for that those students go to Princeton just because of their interest in physics and the reputation of Princeton’s achievements in this particular field. Further more, in some colleges, their superior departments may have a large amount of fund to support them, which likely means students in these departments have more access to the cutting-edge technology .If the nation still require the same curriculum ,from an average viewpoint, the advantages of students in those colleges are reaved(will be reaved). It is obvious a waste of money and brain.（从since开始到brain，这些话就跑题了，题目论点是大学之前是否应该开设统一课程，这里谈到了大学里面的事了）
So, I will say it again that a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students for our country.
结尾有点短，建议去背一些结尾的模板，加以修改形成自己的模板比较好，这样也能节省时间。

Jack_JiUID: 2340109

以上是小弟愚建 有不托之处还请大家见谅

shrek8081UID: 2339983

我觉得第一段{I still remember in a history class in my senior school, when it came to the portion of Chinese ancient history, my teacher told us that one of the greatest emperor in ancient China is the first emperor in Qin dynasty. He explained that it was all because it was him, the first emperor in Qin dynasty ,who had made China, the cradle of human civilization ,a united nation for the first time in history. Ever since when, China became stronger and let peoples across the world know that there is a dragon in Orient ,whose name is China.}似乎有点不太妥当,不太符合美国人倒三角的思维方式,毕竟作文是老米来改,可能会有点影响,再加上Jack_Ji同学所说的似乎出现了Argument中的典型的"两件事情之间的推论过于牵强",
其他的楼上两位分析的都比较有道理,就不说了.
还有如果能在45分钟内写出这么长的文章固然好,但是似乎不太现实(至少对我来说).仅从文字的应用就可以看出你的英语很好啊,向你学习!呵呵!

zoe797970UID: 2249886

I still remember in a history class in my senior school, when it came to the portion of Chinese ancient history, my teacher told us that one of the greatest emperor（貌似one of的后面应该用复数了） in ancient china（中国首字母大写，这个office恰好检查不出来，要注意啊） is the first emperor in（个人觉得of更好些） Qin dynasty. He explained that it was all because it was him（有点混）, the first emperor in Qin dynasty ,who had made China, the cradle of human civilization ,a united nation for the first time in history. Ever since when, China became stronger and let peoples （小错误）across the world know that there is a dragon in Orient ,whose name is China.（采用个人的经历开叙，很不错，很有特色，不过感觉和主题的联系不是非常紧密，逻辑上还可以再细化些就更好了，呵呵）
Does this story have anything to do with the national curriculum? Of course. The case of China informs us of the importance of the power centralization. After the emperor got all the powers which was in different vassals’ hands into his own hands alone, disputes were settled, gaps between different tribes were narrowed and people became to communicate with “the others”more frequently.（开头引子有点太多了，感觉老外都没有咱优秀的中华儿女含蓄和耐得住，所以建议还是简洁一点，尽快入题比较好）
When it refer（注意第三人称单数） to the education, first and foremost is that the national centre government should firmly grasp the power of framing the curriculum . History is our best teacher, we can learn much from our predecessors' experience. As mentioned above, the Emperor unified the coin, the measure ,all of which made china stronger and richer. So, today ,we should require students to study the same national curriculum before their college education. Different parts have different traditional customes（注意使用office的检字功能，然后把自己容易打错的字拿个小本本记录下来，会很有用处的）, teaching styles, living habits.（一个标点符号后要有一个空格）If let the local school determine their own academic courses, we can imagine how different two students who are brought up in different parts of the nation would be after given different education for many years. （这句有点混，再明确下想要说什么，之后找找句子结构）As we all know, American is a nation on wheels, and in other people’s opinion, Americans have the courage to start their careers in a new place without the fear of having no contacts there. Because Americans are independent and confident. What if this impression be destroyed just because Americans suddenly find that they can't communicate with the people apart from those in their hometown? Because when he in junior high school, the teacher only told him about the particular local things and people without mentioning anything about those of other parts of the nation. Some people may ask how can this situation happen? Just visualize a picture in your mind, a big city in California, which is famous for its high-tech, so people here value high the knowledge about information  technology. While in a small village in Utah, people focus more on the environmental problem which leads to the emphasis on the environmental protection knowledge. Different views of value is bound to exert different influence on people, thus making people choose different developmental ways, when it comes to education ,the headmasters of different parts will certainly to constitute the curriculum according to their own situations.
Another problem rises: Why is the pre-college curriculum? （这个句子非常好！）The answer is a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students since the pre-college education and college education share different orientations and aims. That is to say, we should treat them respectively. Before college, the curriculum should be framed by the central government, so that the government can focus on the basic knowledge and necessary overall skills, namely, reading,writing, computer,etc, which makes the graduates can make a living in the world. Then, after they going to college with a clear goal to further improve themselves ,they will choose the particular fields taking their fancy or relevant to their future jobs, so the specific knowledge is important and indispensable. Since different college has their own resources and talents, for example, Princeton has several Nobel Prize winners in Physics, then it wouldn’t be proper if the students in physics department are require to focus more on liberal arts for that those students go to Princeton just because of their interest in physics and the reputation of Princeton’s achievements in this particular field. Further more, in some colleges, their superior departments may have a large amount of fund to support them, which likely means students in these departments have more access to the cutting-edge technology .If the nation still require the same curriculum ,from an average viewpoint, the advantages of students in those colleges are reaved. It is obvious a waste of money and brain.
So, I will say it again that a combination of centralization and flexibility is the best way to cultivate all-round- developed students for our country.
有几个疑问啊,我讲中国的例子,老外能不能听懂啊,而且比如我写到了历史的例子, 中国人说读史使人明智,但是从ARGU的角度来看,过去的不能推出现在,是不是这种例子就白举了啊?谢谢各位DX指点啦~~~~~

（个人觉得sara你写的还是不错的，就是有些小细节需要注意一下，不过也没有什么，用office就能解决很多，君子善假于物嘛！至于那个中国的例子我觉得没有什么太大的问题，事物都有共通性嘛，而且用我们中国自己了解的例子难道就不比随便去找个遥远的卢旺达的例子有说服力？！不好意思，上周有点事情，然后直到今天才能给你改，希望能够原谅，以后一定狠狠的减少这种事情的发生几率，呵呵）

[ 本帖最后由 zoe797970 于 2007-5-29 12:47 编辑 ]