give some advise, than you(已改)

jackshenUID: 2348452

最近在30Min内写的篇，感觉不大好。希望能有所指点（能给打个分更感激不尽啦！） 谢谢～

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Modern technology is creating a single world culture.

  I met my American friend Edwin on MSN 2 days ago, we chatted about the newest album of Hillary Duff, and I was so excited when he suddenly told me that he’s planning to come and visit me in china next summer, all the way across the Pacific Ocean. Later on, we played several chess games through the internet, just to kill time. What a small world! As to the question, is modern technology creating a single world culture, my answer in self-evident.
  Firtly, Modern technology helps the people from different countries to know each other’s news more coveinently. With the help of the internet and man-made satellites, we can easily get information from the websites and TVs by clicking on the buttom or switching a channel. We are then informed with the international news—such as the newest trend of the US stock market, the position of the missile which was sent up by the Russian a few hours ago--within just a couple of secends,.
  What’s more, modern technology has shorttend the distance between two countries. As I’ve mentioned above, how would my friend Edwin be able to come to my homeland? By plane, the fastest transportation in the world. Within half of a day, he will present in front of me, from the other side of the world.
  Moreover, modern technology brings us the same happyness. People from all over the world share the online games and even play together as a team, we follow the same rules, share the same graphic, we also express the same emotion as the game goes on. The modern technology brings us so close as if we are from the same country.
  In conclusion, modern technology plays a great part in our present life, and it is no doubt creating a single world culture. Let me quote the slogan of the 2008 Olympic games: one world, one dream! The modern technology makes us a large family.

[ 本帖最后由 jackshen 于 2007-6-15 23:38 编辑 ]

天使不流泪UID: 2345538

3.5

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

I met my American friend Edwin on MSN 2(two) days ago. We chatted about the newest album of Hillary Duff, and I was so excited when he suddenly told me that he’s planning to come and visit me in china(China) next summer, all the way across the Pacific Ocean. Later on, we played several chess games through the internet, just to kill time. What a small world! As to the question, is modern technology creating a single world culture, my answer in(is) self-evident.
  Firtly(First), Modern(modern) technology helps the people from different countries to know each other’s news more coveinently. With the help of the internet and man-made satellites, we can easily get information from the websites and TVs by clicking on the buttom or switching a channel. We are then informed with the international news—such as the newest(latest) trend of the US stock market, the position of the missile which was sent up by the Russian a few hours ago--within just a couple of secends(seconds).
  What’s more, modern technology has shorttend(shortened) the distance between two countries. As I’ve mentioned above, how would my friend Edwin be able to come to my homeland? By plane, the fastest transportation in the world. Within half of a day, he will present in front of me, from the other side of the world.
  Moreover, modern technology brings us the same happyness(happiness). People from all over the world share the online games and even play together as a team. We follow the same rules, and share the same graphic. We also express the same emotion as the game goes on. The modern technology brings us so close (to each other) as if we are from the same country (live in neighborhood).
  In conclusion, modern technology plays a great part in our present life, and it is no doubt creating a single world culture. Let me quote the slogan of the 2008 Olympic games: one world, one dream! The modern technology makes us a large family.

[ 本帖最后由 kevinliu6883 于 2007-6-12 02:14 编辑 ]

kevinliu6883UID: 2338522

This is an excellent piece of writing, inspite of many minor errors I have pointed out in parentheses.

You have an animating opening. Your language is active.
You discuss many modern techologies and coherently server to your arguement.

I believe you can score high. Come on, Man.

[ 本帖最后由 kevinliu6883 于 2007-6-12 02:16 编辑 ]

panda2033UID: 2305826

呵呵,第一句里的the newest竟然没人改.应该是the latest才正宗.

jackshenUID: 2348452

Thank you guys a lot! Especially kevinliu6883, you are a exellent teacher!
As to the typing errors...I really can't avoid that, are they really important to the scores? I hope not, haha.
again, thank you.

daniel_lewUID: 2324362

我想说的是，文章似乎没有点到题。作者一直在说modern tech带来的好处方便之类，却忽视了culture,难道cultrue只是交通啊网络吗？显然不是。
作为这篇文章更好的example可以是类似西方的节日在中国盛行之类。
而且句式过去简单。so...

jackshenUID: 2348452

谢谢给出的建议

P.S 我发现美国人给的范文句式都比较简单，中国书上的范文句式都比较复杂。

[ 本帖最后由 jackshen 于 2007-6-12 19:12 编辑 ]