Argument71【07-10G Superstar大帖】第九次作业 by Huaxinluobo

huaxinluoboUID: 2326780

In this argument the speaker concludes that the amount of electricity used by the copper-extraction industry will decline significantly. To get support, information of new method of copper-extraction is shown. However, after scrutiny I find it suffers from a few flaws.

First, the writer unfairly assumes that now technologies can use much less electricity than the older method so that the amount of electricity used will decline. But he/she fails to prove it. Although new method may use 40 percent less electricity when the proportion of copper in the ore is high, when it comes to ore with low proportion of copper, whether or how much electricity will be saved by the new method is uncertain, for the speaker does not give enough evidence. It is entirely possible that the amount of electricity used by the new method is similar or even more than the old method. If this is the case, then the conclusion is diminished if current industry primarily uses ore with low copper proportion.

Secondly, the speaker assumes that the new method is about to be applied immediately and widely by the industry. However, no evidence is given to prove it. Since the cost of applying new method and getting rid of old method is unknown, it is possible that new method, although using less electricity, will increase the cost rapidly, which will prevent its wide acceptance. It is common sense that most new technology is much more expensive than those old and mature ones. So unless sufficient evidence is given to show that new method will be widely accepted, then the conclusion is unjustifiable.

Finally, even if the new method uses much less electricity than the old method and will be widely applied, it is too hasty to get the conclusion because there are other factors that determine the total amount of electricity used in the industry. Perhaps by virtue of new method, the productivity of the industry increases faster than the electricity saved, or in other words, ore used increases by more than 40 percent, in which case the total amount of electricity will increase, instead of decline. So without consideration of this possibility, the conclusion is unconvincing.

To sum up, the argument is not persuasive for a few flaws. To better support the conclusion, the writer should give out more evidence to justify that new method can save much electricity with both high proportion ore and low proportion ore. Also needs to be proved is that new method will be widely applied and total amount of ore used stand or increase less than the electricity saved.



[ 本帖最后由 huaxinluobo 于 2007-6-21 13:17 编辑 ]

laura001UID: 2295927

动作真快;d:

desirermimiUID: 2108321

Argument71【07-10G Superstar大帖】第九次作业 by Huaxinluobo
In this argument the speaker concludes that the amount of electricity used by the copper-extraction industry will decline significantly. To get support, information of new method of copper-extraction is shown. However, after scrutiny I find it suffers from a few flaws.

FirstFirstly, the writer unfairly assumes that now technologies can use much less electricity than the older method so that the amount of .electricity used will decline. But he/she fails to prove it. Although new method may use 40 percent less electricity when the proportion of copper in the ore is high, when it comes to ore with low proportion of copper, whether or how much electricity will be saved by the new method is uncertain{这句话需要谓语前置吗？你要表达的是“采用新办法后电量是否被节约以及被节约多少无法确定”吗？句序是不是应该用whether or how much will electricity be saved by the new method is uncertain}, for the speaker does not give enough evidence. It is entirely possible that the amount of electricity used by the new method is similar or even more than the old method. If this is the case你要表达“假如是那样的话”可以采用in that case,以避免与后面句子中的if形成重复感, then the conclusion is diminished if current industry primarily uses ore with low copper proportion运用铜矿纯度的下降这一可能原因来驳斥观点.

Secondly, the speaker assumes that the new method is about to be applied immediately and widely by the industry文中作者有给出这一假定吗？没有。同时他也没给出任何认定技术被广泛采用的表述。这个反驳点可以直接描述为”the author fails to convince us that the new technology will be widelyadopted soon in the copper-extraction industry”，然后接着分析原因. However, no evidence is given to prove it. Since the cost of applying new method and getting rid of old method is unknown, it is possible that new method, although using less electricity, will increase the cost rapidly, which will prevent its wide acceptance.通过引进新技术的费用可能很高从而导致新技术的整体费用很高，所以这个技术很可能没被接受这个角度来分析，角度不错 It is common sense that most new technology{前面用most?是不是要用复数？我也不确定，一起讨论哈}is much more expensive than those old and mature ones. So unless sufficient evidence is given to show that new method will be widely accepted, then the conclusion is unjustifiable. 作者没有给出任何新技术被广泛采用的例证，可以加上这个角度分析：如果新技术并没有被广泛采用，即使新技术在提取所有纯度的铜时候花费的电量都很低，那么用电量还是改变不大。

Finally, even if the new method uses much less electricity than the old method and will be widely applied, it is too hasty to get the conclusion because there are other factors that determine the total amount of electricity used in the industry. Perhaps by virtue of new method, the productivity of the industry increases faster than the electricity saved, or in other words, ore used increases by more than 40 percent, in which case the total amount of electricity will increase, instead of decline. So without consideration of this possibility, the conclusion is unconvincing. 从铜矿含量比以前普遍降低，还有产量可能提高等角度分析用电量可能存在提高的可能来分析

To sum up, the argument is not persuasive for a few flaws. To better support the conclusion, the writer should give out more evidence to justify that new method can save much electricity with both high proportion ore and low proportion ore. Also needs to be proved is that new method will be widely applied and total amount of ore used stand or increase less than the electricity saved.

小结：1、用词准确，语句流畅。
      2、单段论证比较严密。
      3、正篇文章的逻辑感不是很强，段与段之间的联系不是很紧密。应加大过渡句的训练。可以参考这个帖子，感觉还比较有用https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=687262&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Ddigest
总的来说，是一篇不错的驳论文！如果是限时的话，就很不错了！加油！

[ 本帖最后由 desirermimi 于 2007-6-21 12:13 编辑 ]

huaxinluoboUID: 2326780

谢谢你，改的很细啊。句式方面的确需要再努力，你给的帖子正在看。
关于那个谓语的问题，怕时间不够就压缩地写成那样了，你说的有道理，不过哪个对我也不太肯定，我再去问问别人
再次感谢，一起努力吧