Argument117 【0710G-小猪快跑小组】第1次作业

jojogaotianUID: 2189450

第一篇，昨晚终于赶完了～其实完全还没开始准备阿狗
没有背模板。。。冏rz
请猛拍～
非常感谢
题目：ARGUMENT117 - The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."
字数：477                日期：2007-7-16

In this argument, the manager concludes that to increase their stock of home office machines and office supplies can help stores gain more profit. He cites a result of survey to demonstrate the increasing number of people taking more work at home. At the first glance, the manager's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing.

First of all, there is no evidence to show the increasing demands of home office machines and other things. Even if there are more people who are required to take more work home, the demands for home office may not increase respectively. Perhaps those who work home have owned adequate home office machines; or perhaps the most frequently used machines are computer, so that people just have meetings through internet or make some designs, thereby needing neither copy machines nor paper shredders at home. Without more accurate information to prove the credibility of increasing demands on home office machines and others, the manager makes wrong conclusion.

Secondly, the result of survey's cited by manager is specious. What is the base amount of the respondents? If the base amount is too small, it is neither compelling nor persuasive. Perhaps the people who were surveyed came from the same company and recently the company encouraged workers to work home because the offices were mended. In short, if the survey could not cover general population in this district,  the result is questionable and meaningless. Thus, the manager fails to consider the credibility of that survey so that his conclusion can not persuade us.

Finally, the increasing demands on home office machines and other equipments are not sure to provide more profit for Valu-Mart stores. More demands in this district may bring more customers, but other stores may also consider this lucrative opportunity and increase stocks of home office machines and other supplies. Future condition of home office goods market is unclear--the tough competition may force Valu-Mart stores to lower prices to attract more customers, but on the other hand they make less money per goods. Besides, the sale amount, which is not determined by stocks, depends largely on quality and prices of goods as well as service of stores. Even if the office-supply departments may gain more profit from this opportunity, it is difficult ensure its most profitable status in stores. In short, lacking more information of future market and quality of goods, the manager's conclusion is ungrounded.

To sum up, the manager makes the conclusion harshly. To strengthen his conclusion, he should provide more accurate information, such as the markets situation now, real and potential demands on home office equipments, the credibility of survey as well as their goods' quality and price and so forth. After all, to make a business decision, the manager needs to do more research on customers' demands.

frecklewang1984UID: 2355474

117.The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.

"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

字数：757
时间：2.5hrs
日期：2007-07-16
The author concludes that Valu-Mart stores should increase the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders,and fax machines ,and office supplies such as paper, pens, and staples just based on a recent survey that over 70 percent of the respondents reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace that they were in the past. Also, the author predicts with an assertiveness that with those changes, the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores. On several grounds, however, the author's argument is unconvincing.


First of all, the author provides no evidence that the survey is statistically reliable: whether are the designers of the survey authoritative and no inclined to their intentional results? how are the numerous and probable complicated datum done?  and how many samples does the survey contain? where does the survey investigate? It is the high likelihood that the samples are so insufficient and unrepresentative, even if reports from all respondents of the survey can truly and correctly reflect the authentic situations, that the foundation, the author relies on to carry out the plans，employees are required to take more work home with them from the workplace that they were in the past, does not occur at all. Try to imagine, how long will be a mansion erect without its foundation?

admittedly, the true situation is just as the survey reports, the extent of "take more work home from the workplace", however, is excessively unclear, maybe just a little more. if that, the plan that all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machine and office supplies is not sure to  be profitable.

secondly, the author naively imagines that impressive sales of Valu-Mart in the office-supply department not to have been seen in the past just result from the factor that employees take less work home from the workplace. The author does not, cannot probably,justify the imagination. Large quantities of other factors may induce these impressive sales not to have been seen. Maybe Valu-malt's inefficient management, Valu-Malt's office products lack of fashionable, endurable , practical characters, marketing depression brought about by whole industrial recession-including the office-supply department in Valu-Mart and decrease in consumers' desiring for office products ,even impressive sales of Valu-Mart to be seen in a later future and so on. The author does not rule out all that possibilities that affect the impressive sales of Valu-Mart in the office-supply department and so unpersuasive.

whether is it likely that even if the impressive sales not to have been seen is due to less work home in the past, employees who take more home from workplace than they were in the past  do not purchase new home office machines and office supplies? shifting previous office machines and office supplies from their workplaces to homes if they can, or just purchasing second-hand office products, or available just in their homes. Even though those employees need to purchase new home office machines and office supplies, are they certain to purchase office products in Valu-Mart? Probably another office product supplies advertising is so attractive as to catch those employees' attention.

the author indicates that only this pathway that increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies at all Valu-Mart stores can be applicant to increase their profits. this, however, cannot be true based on a large number of factors which can affecting stores' profits. In addition, the necessity of increasing office products at all Valu-Mart stores also is groundless.

thirdly, the author argues that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable
component of Valu-Mart stores, which is also inconvincible because the author does not mention  any information about other components of Valu-Mart. the author draws on so hasty conclusion without any evidence to support as to be completely ungrounded. we even do not know what other than office-supply departments do.

In sum, the argument is untenable as it stands .To strengthen it, the author should provide sufficient evidences that the survey is statistically reliable and persuade us to trust that employees indeed take more work home from workplace than they were in the past. The author must also convince us that no alternative factors lead to impressive sales not to have been seen. Finally, to better assess the argument, it would be more persuasive that the author can show some comparable information about other components of Valu-Mart to justify the author's assertion that the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of Valu-Mart stores with the changes.

提纲：

200.Statistics collected from dentists indicate that three times more men than women faint while visiting the dentist. This evidence suggests that men are more likely to be distressed about having dental work done than women are. Thus, dentists who advertise to attract patients should target the male consumer and emphasize both the effectiveness of their anesthetic techniques and the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients.

1：首先，这个统计是谁调查的，专业么？数据可信么？

2：就算调查能正确反映真实情况，三倍男人去拜访牙医能说明所有的男人更可能忍受牙齿疾病的痛苦么？

3：就算上面的是真的，就应该只针对男人做广告么？所有看牙的人都是因为牙医的麻醉技术和对病人的疼痛的敏感度才去看牙的么？

guangxu3559UID: 2311047

看看楼上700多字的大作，惭愧呀，哎，也来凉凉自己的拙作，多多拍砖

Argument 117

Words: 415    Time: 1.5 hour    Date: 17-07-2007

In this argument, the arguer concludes that Valu-mart should increase the stock of home office machines and office supplies and by taking this strategy the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component. To prove the conclusion, the arguer cites a recent survey result and using the unimpressive sales in the office-supply departments in the past. As it stands, this argument is unconvincing for several critical flaws.

In the first place, the arguer fails to set a causal relationship between the conclusion and the recent survey result. It is only said that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home in the argument. No more concrete information about the respondents is given and the scope of this survey can not be known. Whether these respondents are youngers or old men, which kind of job they are taking are very important factors to be considered. Generally speaking, old workers are customary to traditional work ways, and not pleased to use the modern office machines. For instance, it is more often to see an old worker writing passages with a pen than a computer. Also, not all kinds of work relate to these home office machines. Just like tailors who can do their work at home, but have no requirements to this office machines. What's more, the scope of this survey is unknown and this lessens the convincing of the result. Only a wide survey can supply more persuasive result. But we can not get this from this argument.

In the second place, the arguer gets a hasty generalization that they will become the most profitable component of the stores after increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies. Omitting the above fault and assuming that the office-supply departments take advantage of this work-at-home trend and implement their strategies in time, we can only see the departments may make more profit than before. But there is no sure that the departments will be the most profitable component. Only by supplying other components' detail information and comparing with them, can we get a possible conclusion that the office-supply components can become the most profitable component.

To conclude, this argument is not persuasive as it stands. Before we accept the conclusion, the arguer must present more detail information about the survey to prove the causal relationship between the conclusion and the survey result. Additionally, the arguer must provide more concrete evidence to supply that the office-supply departments will become most profitable component.     

Argument 200的提纲：

This argument is based on a hasty generalization.

In the first place, there is no information about the degree of the illness. Maybe the illness of men are more serious than women, so it is certainly that more fain than women.

In the second place, there skill of the dentists met by men and women are unknown. Maybe the dentists for men are low level than women's.

aashunUID: 2362747

修改说明：
<紫色>  <my comment>
(蓝色)   <good point>
[红色]   <revised point>

In this argument, the manager concludes that [increasing] their stock of home office machines and [the amount of] <和前面的stock of 对应> office supplies can help [the department] <材料中是用的depart，不是store> gain more profit. He cites a result of survey to (demonstrate) the increasing number of people [have a trend of] taking more work at home. At the first glance, the manager's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing.

First of all, there is no [solid] evidence to show the increasing demands of home office machines and other [office supplies such as…材料中有的几个名词]. Even if there [were] more people who are required to take more work home, the demands for home office may not increase respectively. Perhaps those [people] who work home [already] have [equipped] adequate home office machines; or perhaps the most frequently used machines are [computers], so that people just have meetings through internet or make some designs [with neither copy machines nor paper shredders needed at home]. <改成伴随性状语，不用thereby> Without more accurate information to prove the credibility of increasing demands on home office machines and [other supplies], [so] the manager makes [a] wrong conclusion.<增加so，得出你的结论更自然>

Secondly, the result of survey's cited by manager is (specious). What is the base amount of the respondents? If the base amount is too small, it is neither compelling nor persuasive. Perhaps the people who [took part in the survey] came from the same company and recently the company encouraged workers to work home because [of the repair in the offices]. In short, if the survey [failed to] cover general population in this district, the result is questionable and [meaningless]. Thus, the manager fails to consider the credibility of that survey so that his conclusion can not persuade us [completely].

Finally, the increasing demands on home office machines and other equipments are not sure to provide more profit for Valu-Mart stores. [Expanded amount of] demands in this district may bring more customers, but other stores may also consider this lucrative opportunity and increase stocks of home office machines and other supplies. Future condition of home office goods market is unclear--the tough competition may force Valu-Mart stores to (lower prices to attract more customers), but <on the other hand 前文并没有on one hand啊> they [earn] less money per goods. (Besides, the sale amount, which is not determined by stocks, depends largely on quality and prices of goods as well as service of stores.) <此句要是能展开说明就更好了！> Even if the office-supply departments may gain more profit from this opportunity, it is difficult ensure its most profitable status [in the VM store]. In short, lacking [of] <lack of 是固定搭配> more information [concerning] <避免和前面的of重复> future market and quality of goods, the manager's conclusion is ungrounded. <结论句和上一段重复了 要改下 ^_^ >

To sum up, the manager makes the conclusion harshly. [In order to] strengthen his conclusion, he should provide more accurate information, such as the [situation of recent market], (real and potential demands on home office equipments, the credibility of survey as well as their goods' quality and price and so forth). After all, to make a business decision, the manager needs to do more research on customers' demands.

小结:
<全文短句较多 鲜有长句 属硬伤>
<有一些小词需要完善>
<第一次改作文 没有什么经验 见谅哈>

此外，在本组大帖的链接中，你的issue11 链接错误，请修改；
再请你给出作业的其他提纲，谢谢 ^_^

[ 本帖最后由 aashun 于 2007-7-18 00:05 编辑 ]

aashunUID: 2362747

请按照小组格式发帖！！找了好久才找到你的作业！！！

In this argument, the arguer concludes that Valu-mart should increase the stock of home office machines and office supplies and by taking this strategy the office-supply departments will become the most profitable component. To prove the conclusion, the arguer cites a recent survey result and using the unimpressive sales in the office-supply departments in the past. As it stands, this argument is unconvincing for several critical flaws. [很标致的开头]

In the first place, the arguer fails to set a causal relationship between the conclusion and the recent survey result. It is only said that over 70 percent of the respondents are required to take more work home in the argument. No more concrete information about the respondents is given and the scope of this survey can not be known. Whether these respondents [youth] or old men [and what] kind of job they are taking are very important factors to be considered. Generally speaking, old workers are customary to traditional work ways, and not pleased to use the modern office machines. For instance, it is more [frequently] to see an old worker writing passages with a pen [rather] than a computer. Also, not all kinds of work relate to these home office machines. Just like tailors who can do their work at home, but have no requirements to this [listed] office machines. What's more, the scope of this survey is unknown and this [weakens] the convincing of the result. Only a wide survey can supply more persuasive result. But we can not get this from this argument.

In the second place, the arguer gets a hasty generalization that they will become the most profitable component of the stores after increasing the stock of home office machines and office supplies. Omitting the above fault and assuming that the office-supply departments take advantage of this work-at-home trend and implement their strategies in time, we can only see the departments may make more profit than before. But there is no sure that the departments will be the most profitable component. Only by supplying other components' detail information and comparing with them, can we get a possible conclusion that the office-supply components can become the most profitable component.[这一段很精炼！句子组织很到位]

To conclude, this argument is not persuasive as it stands. Before we accept the conclusion, the arguer must present more detail information about the survey to prove the causal relationship between the conclusion and the survey result. Additionally, the arguer must provide more concrete evidence to supply that the office-supply departments will become most profitable component.     

小结：
看的出来 作者很有功底的
唯一感觉遗憾的可能是：如果能够把第一段驳斥的理由分开（因为第一段中有also, what’s more等），并分别加以充实，这样就至少会形成3点驳斥的理由，效果会比现在的2点理由要更好！

Argument 200的提纲：

This argument is based on a hasty generalization.

In the first place, there is no information about the degree of the illness. Maybe the [illnesses] of men are more serious than women, so it is certainly that more fain than women.

In the second place, there skill of the dentists met by men and women are unknown. Maybe the dentists for men are low level than women's.

小结：
建议3点理由

wu_jie07UID: 2146237

Inthis argument, the manager concludes that to increase their stock ofhome office machines and office supplies can help stores gain moreprofit. He cites a result of survey to demonstrate the increasingnumber of people taking more work at home.一定要看清楚题目哦，是回家的工作量增大了，人数并没有说增加 At the first glance, themanager's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining theauthor's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing.

Firstof all, there is no evidence to show the increasing demands of homeoffice machines and other thingsAlthough more home work is required blablabla.（ Even if there are more people who arerequired to take more work home, the demands for home office may notincrease respectively. ）TS说一遍就好了，后面跟着说理Perhaps those who work home have owned adequatehome office machines; or perhaps the most frequently used machines arecomputer, so that people just have meetings through internet or makesome designs, thereby needing neither copy machines nor paper shreddersat home. Without more accurate information to prove the credibility ofincreasing demands on home office machines and others, the managermakes wrong conclusion.还是觉得论点没有论述清楚，切入点没找好，你可以说虽然在家的工作多了 但是并没有调查结果表明这些工作是需要officesupplies的，或者他们的office supplies单位会发给他们的，这样一般单位是会直接到工厂团购，而不会去商店买，所以商店的效益不会增加。

Secondly,the result of survey's cited by manager is specious. What is the baseamount of the respondents? If the base amount is too small, it isneither compelling nor persuasive. Perhaps the people who were surveyedcame from the same company and recently the company encouraged workersto work home because the offices were mended. In short, if the surveycould not cover general population in this district,  the result isquestionable and meaningless. Thus, the manager fails to consider the credibility of that survey so that his conclusion can not persuade us.论点找的不错，句子可以写得更好些。这个论点具有普遍性，很多范文有类似论点的论述 可以借鉴来看看。到时候考试的时候就能行云流水了，毕竟只有半个小时，能节省时间的尽量做到。

Finally,the increasing demands on home office machines and other equipments arenot sure to provide more profit for Valu-Mart stores. More demands inthis district may bring more customers, but other stores may alsoconsider this lucrative opportunity and increase stocks of home officemachines and other supplies. Future condition of home office goodsmarket is unclear--the tough competition may force Valu-Mart stores tolower prices to attract more customers, but on the other hand they makeless money per goods. Besides, the sale amount, which is not determinedby stocks, depends largely on quality and prices of goods as well asservice of stores. Even if the office-supply departments may gain moreprofit from this opportunity, it is difficult ensure its mostprofitable status in stores. In short, lacking more information offuture market and quality of goods, the manager's conclusion isungrounded.从价格战，质量入手 好论点

Tosum up, the manager makes the conclusion harshly. To strengthen hisconclusion, he should provide more accurate information, such as themarkets situation now, real and potential demands on home officeequipments, the credibility of survey as well as their goods' qualityand price and so forth. After all, to make a business decision, themanager needs to do more research on customers' demands.

中文写作习惯比较严重，看起来结构不清晰，句子间的衔接不流畅，比较绕，感觉功底还不错。应该多看看GRE范文，然后比较一下，总结很重要